Hi guys and welcome to my final blog... before going on holiday. Of course sport will continue despite my absence and I will try and keep up as much as I can, but it is unlikely I will have much use of the internet. Should I be wrong then I will endeavour to get something out for you at some point.
This week I debate what has been the biggest disappointment in the last month or so: Scottish football or Indian cricket?
And we know with me there is no impartiality, so there will be a cheeky mention of the Forest-Leicester match somewhere here. I know Leicester will turn it around and get second place eventually, but until then I will enjoy myself at their expense.
Debate: what is the bigger disappointment - Scottish football or Indian cricket?
Scottish football - the arguments
It was hard watching the Hearts v. Tottenham match on Thursday not to think this was one of the most one-sided matches I had ever seen. Yes, Spurs were excellent, but the home side did not test Heurelho Gomes once inside 90 minutes and that is criminal. Rangers can forget about the Champions League for another season and might not even make the Europa League group stages after blowing a lead to lose 2-1 against Slovenian side Maribor. Celtic, meanwhile, could only draw against Swiss side Sion at home.
You might think I am being a bit harsh here, but these are not isolated incidents. Celtic and Rangers have both had relative success in the Champions League and the Ibrox club made the Uefa Cup final a few years ago, only to lose to a wealthy Zenit St. Petersburg side. However, these are now isolated incidents. Rangers were the only team to make the group stages of a European competition last season and all they could do is stick 11 men behind the ball against Man United and play for the draw. I suppose with Scottish football these days, having one striker on the pitch is a positive step.
In defence of Scottish teams, their revenue is nothing like those of the elite English clubs. Hearts have an annual turnover which is a 10th of what Spurs get. So is it no surprise that so few ever prosper in European competitions where more and more teams are owned by extremely rich individuals?
Indian cricket - the arguments
World champions, number one in the world, controllers of world cricket. These were all phrases which were associated with India when they arrived on English shores little over a month ago and apart from the middle one, they remain so today.
Even if they manage to avoid a 4-0 whitewash against England, it will probably have something to do with the rain which has blighted this Test match (or a couple of their bastmen showing great defiance). The difference with India compared to Scottish football is that this is a team at the pinnacle of sport underachieving massively in a series where they were expected to push England all the way.
With just one day in the series to go, the two people who can say they have done well are Rahul Dravid and Praveen Kumar, who has most probably ran himself into the ground after bowling 158.3 overs in 3 matches.
Cricket is a game of statistics and I could tell you how England's numbers 7-11 average higher than Indian's top 7 or show you a list of averages for the series, but that's already been reported throughout the press.
What's worse is the manner in which India have lost. Look at the way Laxman has been constantly caught trying to pull the ball, or the way Harbhajan Singh was out slogging while his side tried to save a match.
The fielding has been even worse and has made India a bit of a laughing stock. And I include in that M.S. Dhoni's wicket-keeping.
But there should be some balance to this debate. Many players had played in the World Cup, the IPL and then gone on tour to the West Indies before hurriedly flying to England. Some others though, such as Sachin Tendulkar had a rest, but like the rest of his team only had one match at Taunton to prepare for English conditions. It doesn't excuse them for how dreadful their performances have been, but they lost the early momentum which is always crucial in a Test series.
Two other factors should be explored: firstly, India have seen Zaheer Khan suffer injury and miss the whole tour which was a huge blow. And, of course, England have just been on top form. To be tired and under-prepared is bad enough, but then to face a side in their own conditions and who are on top form and playing with immense confidence is a nightmare.
The verdict
It may be harsh to call the World champions a disappointment, but I was expecting a lot more from India than I was with Scottish football teams in Europe. There were mitigating factors I must admit, but watching R.P. Singh get called up at the last minute for a Test match having played no cricket and being overweight, with Munaf Patel who had been there all tour waiting in the wings, makes you only lose respect for what is a very good side.
Sir Bobby putting us to shame
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HKqxAmzjJig&feature=share
Worst pun of the week...
Steve Kean was caught drink driving - is that him doing anything for three points? Or was this his way of trying to get out of the Blackburn Rovers job. If it was the latter than he shouldn't worry, unless he starts winning soon.
Hillsborough campaign
If you have Twitter and follow a number of footballers or journalists then you will probably have seen the e-petition asking for the release of all documents relating to the Hillsborough tragedy, but still, I ask that you sign up just to let the government know that another cover-up is just not acceptable.
http://epetitions.direct.gov.uk/petitions/2199
Derby points challenge
It may have been a few years ago, but who could forget the pitiful 11 points Derby managed to win in an entire Premier League season. So now, I am launching the Derby points challenge to see when every team in the top flight passes that points tally. It is still early days, but I am expecting the challenge to be completed before the turn of the year. Amazingly, and annoyingly, they have already passed their own challenge after two weeks of this season.
The Bring Back Adebola Campaign
No Forest striker has scored in 4 league games, so I feel it is only right to create the Bring Back Adebola campaign. Let us not forget, the big man started on three ocassions last season and netted each time. How we could do with his predatory instincts (and sizeable assets) right now.
Confirming our suspicions
Manchester United are planning a stock flotation in Singapore. I suppose it makes sense to bring the club closer to where most of their fans live.
the you could have seen that coming award... a Real Madrid red card against Barcelona. Or should that be two? And what about Jose? I don't normally agree with Uefa, but he really is the enemy of football. Not only does he play boring football with great teams made up of hundreds of millions of pounds, but his teams cheat, constantly pressurise referees and are sore leaders. It's like a combination of Birmingham, Manchester City, Leeds and Arsenal.
Flop(ianski) of the week
He may be young and have a bad hair cut, but there isn't much excuse for Emmanuel Frimpong's dismissal. He looked like a red card waiting to happen from kick-off. He also missed his chance to earn a permanent place in the team with Alex Song injured.
But it's not him this week, oh no. A big thank you to Kasper Schmeichel for getting sent off despite not actually fouling anyone. You made my day and got Forest a point.
Hall of Lame
Ipswich Town lost 7-1 to Doncaster this weekend (following a 5-2 defeat to Southampton on Tuesday), but that must be a familiar feeling for their fans and manager. Last season, the Tractor Boys got hit for seven against Chelsea in the FA Cup third round and lost twice to Norwich City with an aggregate score of 9-2.
In 1995 they lost 9-0 away to Manchester United, with Andy Cole scoring five times.
And as for Paul Jewell, in the 2007-8 season Derby conceded six goals on four occasions and five goals on two ocassions. But there's a big difference between Liverpool and Peterborough.
Weekly predictions: Tipster v. the Selly Oak Tramp
And the one we all want to know...As expected it was a good start for the Tipster last week, as he accurately predicted how many holes Tiger Woods would hit bogey or worse. But could the SOT respond? Let's have a look at how last week's predictions panned out...
How many runs will India score in their first innings at the Oval?
Tipster: 198
Tramp: 320
Result: 300 - 1 point for Tramp
What will be the score in the Forest v. Leicester match next Saturday?
Tipster: 1-3
Tramp: 1-1
Result: 2-2 - 1 point for the Tramp
Which makes it a great turnaround from the Tramp after falling behind last week. He was closest with his cricket prediction and got the result right with the football, although he only got one point as he got the score wrong.
This week's predictions:
As I am going on holiday until September 5th, the tennis ones have to be decided a while in advance.
Who will win the US Open?
Tipster: Nadal
Tramp: Djokovic
First goal-scorer in Manchester United v. Arsenal match?
Tipster: Van Persie
Tramp: Nani
How many sets will Novak Djokovic lose in the entire two weeks at Flushing Meadows?
Tipster: 8
Tramp: 5
I wish I was a Getafe fan
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/aug/19/getafe-fans-sperm-donors
Anyone who has watched a Spanish film know that they're basically pornos anyway, but I didn't know it had forced its way into football!
Umm... ok
http://www.nottscountyfc.co.uk/page/NewsDetail/0,,10426~2424681,00.html
Maybe he should be asking for someone to stop Wes Morgan banging them in against his team
I'll be back in a few weeks. In a bit.
Sunday, 21 August 2011
Sunday, 14 August 2011
My week at the Test match
It has been an interesting week for me to say the least. I returned to Birmingham on Sunday evening not knowing if my new house even had electricity or running water. To my obvious relief it had both, although it took me another 24 hours to get any hot water (and seven days later I still haven't managed to get the heating on).
The reason for my return? I had been invited to be a media volunteer for the duration of the Test match. I was told to arrive on Monday morning at 8am in smart attire and stay until the match concluded, which was to be at some point during the weekend. I had no idea what to expect when I agreed to this proposition, but over the next six days I experienced a lot, both good, bad and funny which I thought I would share.
Due to my long hours at Edgbaston and only having internet for two evenings, I have struggled to follow the sporting news as I would have liked to. So instead, I will try and give you an idea of what happened during a week which saw me be shouted at by an irate Indian journalist and discuss pink shirts with Jonathan Agnew.
I hope you find it interesting and amusing even if you don't like cricket. And for football fans out there, everything will be back to normal next week, when hopefully Forest will have finally registered a league win (although the Carling Cup victory deserves great mention).
Monday
With just two days before the match was due to start, I, alongside the other five or six media volunteers who all knew each other beforehand, were given a tour around Edgbaston in order to familiarise ourselves with the place as we would be guiding journalists and photographers to the new press centre.
The Indian team had an early training session and my brief was to lead the Indian journalists to a certain entrance around the ground where they could watch and take photographs. Fortunately, most were appreciative of my assistance.
A couple came up to me asking if I could help get one of their colleagues into the ground who had not been given media accreditation, which I could not and others complained that they had to walk all the way around to reception before being guided back again. When I suggested I might have a word with the stewards I was told in no uncertain terms that I would talk to them immediately.
However, the most shocking moment of the entire week came when a small man with a big camera lens (standard) bristled up to me demanding I take him to the pitch. Although I offered to take him around, he brushed past me and tried to go through the doors nearby which I and the security guard informed him were locked. This clearly did not matter to him and he demanded I find him a way through to the pitch (although at this point he was speaking so quickly I could barely comprehend what he was saying).
After trying unsuccessfully to get him through a different entrance and telling him he had to go back, I was unleashed with a full tirade of abuse about how useless I was etc. Now normally I wouldn't take this, but as I was on strict orders to always be polite I walked him back the way we should have gone. Once again he spotted an entrance and when I again informed him that he wasn't meant to go that way, he told me to leave him alone as he stormed off with his manhood inferiority-complex of a camera. A perfect first day...
... which got better later on. At a mate's house five minutes from my own, I heard about serious rioting up the road in the city centre, which were apparently race related and on their way to Selly Oak. After several hours listening and watching the news, we finally realised that neither of those two things were true, but as it was now approaching midnight, I decided it was best not to chance it. And I got to wake up in a house which wasn't stone cold the next morning.
Tuesday
By now, my 35 minute walk each way to the ground in smart shoes I hadn't worn in a year had given me horrific blisters. But on the bright side I no longer had to deal with small, angry Indian journalists as all the press now knew where everything was.
Instead, I endured a series of briefings on what was expected of me as a volunteer etc, with the idea being that I would finish work at 11:30 and spend the rest of the day watching the cricket (sounds perfect I know).
Back at the house, after watching Role Models for the 100th time, me and Richard Ayling tuned into extra-time of the Nottingham Forest Carling Cup tie versus Notts County (more on this later). Safe to say after the events of that night, it took a while for me to calm down enough to go to sleep, which wasn't great considering my alarm was on for 5:15 am.
Wednesday
It was at about 7:45 am, standing in front of a car-park with a giant lollipop which directed the media towards the press area, when I began to regret signing up to volunteer. Standing in just a t-shirt which read: 'Can I help' (nobody decided to find out if I could), I spent the next three and a half hours shivering in the cold as the players and broadcasters walked past. On the plus side, David Gower looked at the sign which said Media entrance and had an arrow pointing them in the right direction and sarcastically added: "Well that's helpful isn't it" as he strolled on by. Still, he was the only person to even acknowledge my existence.
By now the blisters meant I could barely walk, but I got to watch the England attack race through the Indian batting line-up, before being summoned to a briefing at 5:20 where I was told one of the busiest roads had been closed off. So instead of announcing it in the stadium, they decided to send the 15 or so volunteers (more ECB ones had turned up) to man the exits and inform the 25,000 spectators. After an hour, the day's play finished and streams of supporters started to leave the ground. As now nobody could hear the lone guy in front of them trying to shout some jibberish at them, I buggered off, cursing the day I ever decided to do volunteering.
However, one guy cheered me up when he walked over and asked me where the pussy was. Clearly he doesn't know me or he wouldn't be asking.
Thursday
I was off lollipop duty and was back working for the PR team. To my relief, I was stationed inside, manning the entrance to the broadcasters entrance on the third floor, which needed someone to type in a code and make sure the door didn't slam. One highlight was Shane Warne venting his frustration (not at me) that he had to go outside the building everytime he wanted to make a call. I should also add that Liz Hurley came in at least twice during the week, although unfortunately I was not present for either occasion.
Other highlights included meeting Geoffrey Boycott who asked me how I was (I can die now) and having a pleasant exchange with Jonathan Agnew. Aggers and I were both wearing pink shirts and after two hours of not daring to talk to any of the big beasts of broadcasting (good luck saying that), I clumsily commented that I liked his choise of shirt.
Probably very startled and worried, he turned around and said, "Do you really think so?" He seemed taken aback yet pleased by the praise. I responded by saying i did, before we compared his pink shirt to mine, which was not as bright. It is the measure of the man that he felt able to have a trivial exchange with me and sound exactly like he does on the radio when talking to genuine celebrities. Still, nothing could match the yellow trousers worn by Henry Blofeld, which trumped anything else the entire week.
By now, it was established that once I was no longer needed to stand by the door, I could go up a floor to the spacious press box and watch the cricket. I was also able to enjoy the same food as the journalists, which was a sight to behold. Here is an idea of the spread the hacks could feast upon:
Breakfast: Tea, Coffee, pastries androlls filled with bacon and/or fried eggs
Lunch: Sandwiches, noodles, salad, cured meats, three potential main courses (for instance on one day there were three types of curry on offer), potatoes/rice, fruit, and an array of chocolate bars, crisps and sweets
Tea: Lots of cakes, other pastries, more chocolate
During the entire day: As many bottles of Red Bull and water as you like as well as hot drinks and biscuits
I have seen buffets in my time, but for a free day of eating and drinking you will never beat this.
He said hello and began to eat his bacon butties and read a newspaper as I waited for an opportunity to try and introduce myself. I think he found it very disconcerting that a volunteer was staring at him waiting for him to finish his sandwich, but more by luck than good judgement, I eventually started up a conversation with him which continued for 20 minutes until the day's play started.
After sleepily watching Alastair Cook compile his massive score - interrupted only by my annoyance that the umpires took the players off for bad light - I finally began to realise that the early starts and late finishes were now worth it, especially for the lunches I received.
And in my usual stint on the third floor, I saw Warney again, this time having finished a fag break while there was rain in the air, before rushing back to the studio as he realised play was about to resume and he was needed in the Sky studio. Judging by the pace he showed out of the elevator, his fitness regime is clearly working.
The banter from the crowd was quite brilliant today. They had an orange ball and an inflatable ball confiscated by officials, so as the Eric Hollies stand continually chanted, "We want our ball back," one man jumped over the advertising hoardings to re-claim the orange ball. As he was escorted off by two stewards, another guy did the same trick and picked up the now unguarded inflatable ball. Seeing that more stewards were coming to get him, he threw the ball back into the crowd and jumped over the hoardings, without realising that the ball had hit the hoardings and bounced back onto the pitch. He too was arrested and probably evicted from the ground.
As Cook approached his landmark 300, I jokingly said to the guy next to me, "What's the bet he tries to do it with a six?" having just seen Tim Bresnan reach his 50 in a similar manner. We both laughed about it, then watched in horror as he was caught just in front of the boundary moments later. Never has 6 runs in a match been so inconsequential to the overall result yet so debated.
And when Sehwag got out first ball for the second time in the match, even I was thinking that I could do a job for the Indians. I mean, could I do any worse than two first-ballers? Maybe if I ran out Tendulkar.
Saturday
There was a definitey party atmosphere in the crowd, buoyed by the fact that Warwickshire were trying to break a world record for most people in fancy dress at the same place. Of course, this led to general hilarity. There was the sight of a banana being followed into the stand by an army of ninjas. A gang of Mr Blobby's were treated to a rendition of, "Blobby! Blobby!" and one guy dressed as Spiderman got onto the top of a stand and slid down a pole, before being escorted out, to the obvious tune of, "Spiderman! Spiderman!"
On the field, India decided to come dressed as cricketers. Shame they didn't play like them. My famous ability of tempting fate struck again as I text somebody telling them Tendulkar was looking ominous at the crease. Next over, he was run-out at the non-striker's end whilst backing-up and naturally I felt like it was my fault. It's lucky I don't predict horoscopes or the weather.
With the match now finished, I got to attend the post-match press conferences where the Indian journalists tried to get Andrew Strauss to slag off their team, unsuccessfully, and the English journalists asked him if he was the best captain the world and if he and Cook were the best opening partnership in the world. There's optimistic and there's that.
So, that was it. Obviously I didn't have the time or memory to jot down everything that happened this week, but I felt it would be stupid to have experienced so much in a short period of time and not to share it.
Overall, I'd have to say it was a positive experience and it's going to be difficult to adjust to normal lunches again. Should you feel in any way remotely inspired by this story (and I can't really see why you would), then you could volunteer yourself for a Test match through the ECB. Or just hope you are good enough to one day get in the team.
Forest v. Notts County
There is nothing I can say which will do justice to this, so just watch it again, and again, and again.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/league_cup/14368484.stm
Last golf major
I have been unable to see any of the golf this week, but I looked at the leaderboard today to see the leading names were Jason Dufner, Keegan Bradley and Brendan Steele. I like to think I know what's going on in the golfing world, but seriously, who?
Flop(ianski) of the week
QPR were certainly contenders as was David de Gea, but for dropping two dollies on the second day, it has to be Rahul Dravid. The Bell one could be forgiven, but that Morgan one in the last over of the day? Sandra Redknapp and Geoffrey Boycott's grandmother could have caught that.
Hall of Lame
England are one game away from a famous whitewash against what was the number one side in the world before the series started. The most obvious whitewash to think about is in 2006/07, but we all know about that. Just as bad was the 5-0 ODI drubbing against Sri Lanka. At least Tim Bresnan has improved since then,
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/cricket/england/5133154.stm
And of course, if we are looking at a 4-0 victory on the opening day of the season involving a newly-promoted team, then we only need to go back a year.
As for awful debuts, Jonathan Woodgate at Real Madrid would take some beating...
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/europe/4273704.stm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SIzSC2PzgBQ
Weekly predictions: Tipster v. the Selly Oak Tramp
Last week's predictions:
What will be the result of the third Test match at Edgbaston?
Tipster: India
Tramp: England
Result: England
Who will win the final golf major of the year?
Tipster: McIlroy
Tramp: Westwood
Result: both are wrong (winner will not be known until later)
Who will be the first try scorer in the England v. Wales match?
Tipster: Whoever plays full-back
Result: 13
*Double bogeys only count as 1
Current score: Tipster 2-1 Tramp (Getting the one we all want to know bang-on is worth double points)
This week:
How many runs will India score in their first innings at the Oval?
Tipster: 198
Tramp: 320
What will be the score in the Forest v. Leicester match next Saturday?
Tipster: 1-3
Tramp: 1-1
The week ahead
Robin Van Persie scores for Arsenal against Udinese on Tuesday. He then announces at half-time he wants to leave.
Sachin Tendulkar gets into the 90s on the fifth day, but it starts raining and he is left stranded.
Joey Barton announces he is joining Celebrity Big Brother.
Quotes of the week
Joey Barton on Twitter - "I hate divers, but feigning injury to get someone sent off is ok #hypocrite"
Wes Morgan - "OH YEAH!"
Joey Baton on Twitter - "Commited to Newcastle cause #championsleagueherewecome"
As I said, I have been busy this week and wihout internet for much of it, so I apologise if I have missed anything out. But I would like to make the following observations...
Arsenal kept a clean-sheet - Wow
Liverpool drew at home to a mid-table team - Shocker
QPR got mauled - Hooray
Forest - Worrying
The reason for my return? I had been invited to be a media volunteer for the duration of the Test match. I was told to arrive on Monday morning at 8am in smart attire and stay until the match concluded, which was to be at some point during the weekend. I had no idea what to expect when I agreed to this proposition, but over the next six days I experienced a lot, both good, bad and funny which I thought I would share.
Due to my long hours at Edgbaston and only having internet for two evenings, I have struggled to follow the sporting news as I would have liked to. So instead, I will try and give you an idea of what happened during a week which saw me be shouted at by an irate Indian journalist and discuss pink shirts with Jonathan Agnew.
I hope you find it interesting and amusing even if you don't like cricket. And for football fans out there, everything will be back to normal next week, when hopefully Forest will have finally registered a league win (although the Carling Cup victory deserves great mention).
Monday
With just two days before the match was due to start, I, alongside the other five or six media volunteers who all knew each other beforehand, were given a tour around Edgbaston in order to familiarise ourselves with the place as we would be guiding journalists and photographers to the new press centre.
The Indian team had an early training session and my brief was to lead the Indian journalists to a certain entrance around the ground where they could watch and take photographs. Fortunately, most were appreciative of my assistance.
A couple came up to me asking if I could help get one of their colleagues into the ground who had not been given media accreditation, which I could not and others complained that they had to walk all the way around to reception before being guided back again. When I suggested I might have a word with the stewards I was told in no uncertain terms that I would talk to them immediately.
However, the most shocking moment of the entire week came when a small man with a big camera lens (standard) bristled up to me demanding I take him to the pitch. Although I offered to take him around, he brushed past me and tried to go through the doors nearby which I and the security guard informed him were locked. This clearly did not matter to him and he demanded I find him a way through to the pitch (although at this point he was speaking so quickly I could barely comprehend what he was saying).
After trying unsuccessfully to get him through a different entrance and telling him he had to go back, I was unleashed with a full tirade of abuse about how useless I was etc. Now normally I wouldn't take this, but as I was on strict orders to always be polite I walked him back the way we should have gone. Once again he spotted an entrance and when I again informed him that he wasn't meant to go that way, he told me to leave him alone as he stormed off with his manhood inferiority-complex of a camera. A perfect first day...
... which got better later on. At a mate's house five minutes from my own, I heard about serious rioting up the road in the city centre, which were apparently race related and on their way to Selly Oak. After several hours listening and watching the news, we finally realised that neither of those two things were true, but as it was now approaching midnight, I decided it was best not to chance it. And I got to wake up in a house which wasn't stone cold the next morning.
Tuesday
By now, my 35 minute walk each way to the ground in smart shoes I hadn't worn in a year had given me horrific blisters. But on the bright side I no longer had to deal with small, angry Indian journalists as all the press now knew where everything was.
Instead, I endured a series of briefings on what was expected of me as a volunteer etc, with the idea being that I would finish work at 11:30 and spend the rest of the day watching the cricket (sounds perfect I know).
Back at the house, after watching Role Models for the 100th time, me and Richard Ayling tuned into extra-time of the Nottingham Forest Carling Cup tie versus Notts County (more on this later). Safe to say after the events of that night, it took a while for me to calm down enough to go to sleep, which wasn't great considering my alarm was on for 5:15 am.
Wednesday
It was at about 7:45 am, standing in front of a car-park with a giant lollipop which directed the media towards the press area, when I began to regret signing up to volunteer. Standing in just a t-shirt which read: 'Can I help' (nobody decided to find out if I could), I spent the next three and a half hours shivering in the cold as the players and broadcasters walked past. On the plus side, David Gower looked at the sign which said Media entrance and had an arrow pointing them in the right direction and sarcastically added: "Well that's helpful isn't it" as he strolled on by. Still, he was the only person to even acknowledge my existence.
By now the blisters meant I could barely walk, but I got to watch the England attack race through the Indian batting line-up, before being summoned to a briefing at 5:20 where I was told one of the busiest roads had been closed off. So instead of announcing it in the stadium, they decided to send the 15 or so volunteers (more ECB ones had turned up) to man the exits and inform the 25,000 spectators. After an hour, the day's play finished and streams of supporters started to leave the ground. As now nobody could hear the lone guy in front of them trying to shout some jibberish at them, I buggered off, cursing the day I ever decided to do volunteering.
However, one guy cheered me up when he walked over and asked me where the pussy was. Clearly he doesn't know me or he wouldn't be asking.
Thursday
I was off lollipop duty and was back working for the PR team. To my relief, I was stationed inside, manning the entrance to the broadcasters entrance on the third floor, which needed someone to type in a code and make sure the door didn't slam. One highlight was Shane Warne venting his frustration (not at me) that he had to go outside the building everytime he wanted to make a call. I should also add that Liz Hurley came in at least twice during the week, although unfortunately I was not present for either occasion.
Other highlights included meeting Geoffrey Boycott who asked me how I was (I can die now) and having a pleasant exchange with Jonathan Agnew. Aggers and I were both wearing pink shirts and after two hours of not daring to talk to any of the big beasts of broadcasting (good luck saying that), I clumsily commented that I liked his choise of shirt.
Probably very startled and worried, he turned around and said, "Do you really think so?" He seemed taken aback yet pleased by the praise. I responded by saying i did, before we compared his pink shirt to mine, which was not as bright. It is the measure of the man that he felt able to have a trivial exchange with me and sound exactly like he does on the radio when talking to genuine celebrities. Still, nothing could match the yellow trousers worn by Henry Blofeld, which trumped anything else the entire week.
By now, it was established that once I was no longer needed to stand by the door, I could go up a floor to the spacious press box and watch the cricket. I was also able to enjoy the same food as the journalists, which was a sight to behold. Here is an idea of the spread the hacks could feast upon:
Breakfast: Tea, Coffee, pastries androlls filled with bacon and/or fried eggs
Lunch: Sandwiches, noodles, salad, cured meats, three potential main courses (for instance on one day there were three types of curry on offer), potatoes/rice, fruit, and an array of chocolate bars, crisps and sweets
Tea: Lots of cakes, other pastries, more chocolate
During the entire day: As many bottles of Red Bull and water as you like as well as hot drinks and biscuits
I have seen buffets in my time, but for a free day of eating and drinking you will never beat this.
This is a picture of tea on the final day. Sorry, this is only half of tea, the rest of it couldn't be fit in
Friday
Feeling like a failure for having only talked to one journalist despite spending plenty of time in the press area, I decided I would try my luck should an opportunity arise. As I sad down at breakfast, having a pastry and reading a newspaper, I was joined by Martin Samuel, chief sports writer at the Daily Mail and the current Sports Writer of the Year.
Friday
Feeling like a failure for having only talked to one journalist despite spending plenty of time in the press area, I decided I would try my luck should an opportunity arise. As I sad down at breakfast, having a pastry and reading a newspaper, I was joined by Martin Samuel, chief sports writer at the Daily Mail and the current Sports Writer of the Year.
He said hello and began to eat his bacon butties and read a newspaper as I waited for an opportunity to try and introduce myself. I think he found it very disconcerting that a volunteer was staring at him waiting for him to finish his sandwich, but more by luck than good judgement, I eventually started up a conversation with him which continued for 20 minutes until the day's play started.
It's certainly an eye-opener when you meet one of the top brass in any profession and I felt a little bit embarrassed when he said half-way through that he didn't even know my name, which was to prove a point. Point well-made I thought.
After sleepily watching Alastair Cook compile his massive score - interrupted only by my annoyance that the umpires took the players off for bad light - I finally began to realise that the early starts and late finishes were now worth it, especially for the lunches I received.
And in my usual stint on the third floor, I saw Warney again, this time having finished a fag break while there was rain in the air, before rushing back to the studio as he realised play was about to resume and he was needed in the Sky studio. Judging by the pace he showed out of the elevator, his fitness regime is clearly working.
The banter from the crowd was quite brilliant today. They had an orange ball and an inflatable ball confiscated by officials, so as the Eric Hollies stand continually chanted, "We want our ball back," one man jumped over the advertising hoardings to re-claim the orange ball. As he was escorted off by two stewards, another guy did the same trick and picked up the now unguarded inflatable ball. Seeing that more stewards were coming to get him, he threw the ball back into the crowd and jumped over the hoardings, without realising that the ball had hit the hoardings and bounced back onto the pitch. He too was arrested and probably evicted from the ground.
As Cook approached his landmark 300, I jokingly said to the guy next to me, "What's the bet he tries to do it with a six?" having just seen Tim Bresnan reach his 50 in a similar manner. We both laughed about it, then watched in horror as he was caught just in front of the boundary moments later. Never has 6 runs in a match been so inconsequential to the overall result yet so debated.
And when Sehwag got out first ball for the second time in the match, even I was thinking that I could do a job for the Indians. I mean, could I do any worse than two first-ballers? Maybe if I ran out Tendulkar.
Saturday
There was a definitey party atmosphere in the crowd, buoyed by the fact that Warwickshire were trying to break a world record for most people in fancy dress at the same place. Of course, this led to general hilarity. There was the sight of a banana being followed into the stand by an army of ninjas. A gang of Mr Blobby's were treated to a rendition of, "Blobby! Blobby!" and one guy dressed as Spiderman got onto the top of a stand and slid down a pole, before being escorted out, to the obvious tune of, "Spiderman! Spiderman!"
On the field, India decided to come dressed as cricketers. Shame they didn't play like them. My famous ability of tempting fate struck again as I text somebody telling them Tendulkar was looking ominous at the crease. Next over, he was run-out at the non-striker's end whilst backing-up and naturally I felt like it was my fault. It's lucky I don't predict horoscopes or the weather.
With the match now finished, I got to attend the post-match press conferences where the Indian journalists tried to get Andrew Strauss to slag off their team, unsuccessfully, and the English journalists asked him if he was the best captain the world and if he and Cook were the best opening partnership in the world. There's optimistic and there's that.
So, that was it. Obviously I didn't have the time or memory to jot down everything that happened this week, but I felt it would be stupid to have experienced so much in a short period of time and not to share it.
Overall, I'd have to say it was a positive experience and it's going to be difficult to adjust to normal lunches again. Should you feel in any way remotely inspired by this story (and I can't really see why you would), then you could volunteer yourself for a Test match through the ECB. Or just hope you are good enough to one day get in the team.
Forest v. Notts County
There is nothing I can say which will do justice to this, so just watch it again, and again, and again.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/league_cup/14368484.stm
Last golf major
I have been unable to see any of the golf this week, but I looked at the leaderboard today to see the leading names were Jason Dufner, Keegan Bradley and Brendan Steele. I like to think I know what's going on in the golfing world, but seriously, who?
Flop(ianski) of the week
QPR were certainly contenders as was David de Gea, but for dropping two dollies on the second day, it has to be Rahul Dravid. The Bell one could be forgiven, but that Morgan one in the last over of the day? Sandra Redknapp and Geoffrey Boycott's grandmother could have caught that.
Hall of Lame
England are one game away from a famous whitewash against what was the number one side in the world before the series started. The most obvious whitewash to think about is in 2006/07, but we all know about that. Just as bad was the 5-0 ODI drubbing against Sri Lanka. At least Tim Bresnan has improved since then,
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/cricket/england/5133154.stm
And of course, if we are looking at a 4-0 victory on the opening day of the season involving a newly-promoted team, then we only need to go back a year.
As for awful debuts, Jonathan Woodgate at Real Madrid would take some beating...
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/europe/4273704.stm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SIzSC2PzgBQ
Weekly predictions: Tipster v. the Selly Oak Tramp
Last week's predictions:
What will be the result of the third Test match at Edgbaston?
Tipster: India
Tramp: England
Result: England
Who will win the final golf major of the year?
Tipster: McIlroy
Tramp: Westwood
Result: both are wrong (winner will not be known until later)
Who will be the first try scorer in the England v. Wales match?
Tipster: Whoever plays full-back
Tramp: Banahan
Result: Hook
And the one we all want to know...
Result: Hook
And the one we all want to know...
How many bogeys will Tiger Woods hit?*
Tipster:13
Tramp:11Result: 13
*Double bogeys only count as 1
Current score: Tipster 2-1 Tramp (Getting the one we all want to know bang-on is worth double points)
This week:
How many runs will India score in their first innings at the Oval?
Tipster: 198
Tramp: 320
What will be the score in the Forest v. Leicester match next Saturday?
Tipster: 1-3
Tramp: 1-1
The week ahead
Robin Van Persie scores for Arsenal against Udinese on Tuesday. He then announces at half-time he wants to leave.
Sachin Tendulkar gets into the 90s on the fifth day, but it starts raining and he is left stranded.
Joey Barton announces he is joining Celebrity Big Brother.
Quotes of the week
Joey Barton on Twitter - "I hate divers, but feigning injury to get someone sent off is ok #hypocrite"
Wes Morgan - "OH YEAH!"
Joey Baton on Twitter - "Commited to Newcastle cause #championsleagueherewecome"
As I said, I have been busy this week and wihout internet for much of it, so I apologise if I have missed anything out. But I would like to make the following observations...
Arsenal kept a clean-sheet - Wow
Liverpool drew at home to a mid-table team - Shocker
QPR got mauled - Hooray
Forest - Worrying
Clasico number one of the season is starting now. Enjoy!
Saturday, 6 August 2011
Season predictions time
After more than two months of the summer and wondering what if Rob Eanshaw hadn't hit the post, it's finally time to say welcome back to league football. As it is every year, we pin our hopes high on somehow achieving promotion, only to start with a 0-0 (as we always seem to do).
In this edition, we have season predictions from our three pundits and I will introduce a weekly contest which will keep you engrossed (and warm) through the winter months. If that isn't enough, we have the usual random chat to try and keep you amused. I hope you enjoy!
Everybody...
wants to leave Newcastle. First it was Jose Enrique and now Joey Barton has forced his way out after he as well used twitter to slag off the management. Funnily enough they are going to ban it now. Barton decided to tell us that he was being allowed to leave, then was training by himself, then was being fined two weeks wages. But he decided to take it out on us by giving us a philosophy lesson on twitter. Apparently, not putting out a cigar in somebody's eye wasn't something he thought about sharing with us.
Everybody...
hates living in Manchester. First we had Carlos 'I wouldn't go there on holiday' Tevez slagging it off, then we had Mairo Balotelli complaining about it (although I believe his comments were taken out of context). Nemanja Vidic also said how it rained a lot when he first arrived here. Maybe that's why Sir Alex Ferguson is always scowling then.
Stoke City... have declared their interest in signing Nicklas Bendtner. In other news, the odds on them being relegated have dramatically shortened.
2:30pm... "Can't wait for the new season to begin." Safe to say I wasn't feeling as optimistic after the match, although the first game back doesn't really tell you anything.
One thing I would just like to point out is: West Ham - Carew, Leicester - Nugent, Forest - McGoldrick. Just saying.
Hall of Lame
Worst opening day defeat? Look no further than two years ago. Norwich City 1-7 Colchester.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xvxi4FDZYRs
Would have been funny if they weren't now a division above Forest.
Ben Foster - Flop of the week
"At the moment, I play my club football, I go home and have time with my family. That's absolutely brilliant. That's how I operate best as a footballer.
"But if something does happen to Joe [Hart], and the manager gives me a call and says 'we're desperate for you to come back in' then I can consider it. I can always consider it."
So basically, you retired from playing for your country because you were fed up of being a number 2, but if suddenly the guy who is better than you gets hurt you think it's fine to just rock up and play. Let us hope Joe Hart never gets injured or dropped then.
Goal-less wonders
Congratulations to the England under-20s who epitomised the art of sexy football by qualifying for the knock-out stages of their World Cup... without a goal being scored in any of their matches. They've been following the Paraguay school of how to win without actually winning, or if Carlsberg did 0-0s...
Fifa joy
I'd gone three weeks without playing on Fifa due to being away, but I returned with the season in February and my bid for Premier League glory hitting a stumbling block. I got through to May, and after a 4-4 draw against Manchester United, I went into the final match against Manchester City, who were 3 points above me, but with an inferior goal difference, knowing I could clinch the title by winning at their stadium.
To say the match was dramatic would be an understatement. An early goal for me was cancelled out soon after. Into the second half, City piled on the pressure, hitting the woodwork, before Carlos Tevez went through on goal, only to be denied by Shay Given (who I signed from them). After the save, I went straight to the other end and scored through Manfredini (a 200lbs beastly black man) to make it 2-1.
Then in stoppage time, City hit the beans on toast (the post) and aftet a mad scramble in the box I somehow got the ball clear and the ref blew his whistle for full-time. Incredibly, as I celebrated my famous victory (which goes down alongside Arsenal's 2-0 win over Liverpool in 1989), I saw the City players were celebrating and mine look dejected. I was fearing the worst, but once the match was finished I checked the table and saw I had indeed come first. Somehow.
Season predictions
Here are the predictions of our three "pundits" this year: myself, Richard 'Dick' Ayling and Fraser 'Pub Quiz' Kesteven. We will reveal the winner at the end of the season, although I may give updates at certain intervals.
As for the points system, there's 1 point for a correct answer. For those where there is one more than answer (e.g. 3 relegated teams) then it is 1 point per correct team and for guessing a number (e.g. number of Torres goals) then it is closest who wins. League goals only.
Premier League winner:
JL: Man U
FK: Man U
RA: Man U
Rest of top 4:
JL: Man City, Chelsea, Liverpool
FK: Chelsea, Man City, Arsenal
RA: Chelsea, Man City, Arsenal
Relegated teams:
JL: Norwich, Wigan, Swansea
FK: Norwich, Wigan, Swansea
RA: Norwich, Wigan, Swansea
Top goal-scorer:
JL: Rooney
FK: Rooney
RA: Rooney
Number of Fernando Torres goals:
JL: 10
FK: 15
RA: 10
Number of Mario Balotelli goals:
JL: 12
FK: 10
RA: 6
Number of Emile Heskey goals:
JL: 4
FK: 1
RA: 3
Number of games Arsenal let a lead slip:
JL: 6
FK: 4
RA: 6
Norwich overall goal-difference:
JL: -15
FK: -28
RA: -21
First managerial casualty:
JL: Alex McLeish
FK: Neil Warnock (JL - hope he's right)
RA: Steve Kean
FA Cup winner:
JL: Spurs
FK: Chelsea
RA: Chelsea
League Cup winner:
JL: Liverpool
FK: Man U
RA: Man City
Champions League winner:
JL: Real Madrid
FK: Barcelona
RA: Barcelona
Europa League winner:
JL: PSG
FK: Liverpool (JL - should be docked a point for being ignorant)
RA: Sevilla
Top 2 in Championship:
JL: West Ham, Leicester
FK: West Ham, Leicester
RA: West Ham, Leicester
Forest overall position:
JL: 5th
FK: 5th
RA: 4th
Forest top scorer:
JL: Lewis McGugan
FK: Marcus Tudgay
RA: Robbie Findley
Dele Adebola goals:
JL: 3
FK: 1
RA: 3
Nathan Tyson goals:
JL: 10 (I'm relying on him playing 30 games otherwise this will be wrong)
FK: 4
RA: 2
League 1 winner:
JL: Huddersfield
FK: Carlisle (JL - who were beaten 3-0 at home by Notts County. Fraser should definitely be docked a point now)
RA: Huddersfield
League 2 winner:
JL: Shrewsbury
FK: Northampton
RA: Crawley
Blue Square Prem winner:
JL: Luton
FK: Cambridge (JL - Cramp would be happy)
RA: Luton
And there's more...
As we can't wait until May to see who's the Messi and Bramble of footballing knowledge, we will have a weekly contest. Let me introduce you to:
The Tipster v. The Selly Oak Tramp
We know who the tipster is (Sam Travell), but how will his knowledge be tested against the anonymous tramp? Will the man with the betting know-how emerge triumphant, or will the SOT surprise us all and make Travell look village?
This will be a contest which involves all sports, so some weeks neither will win and on other occasions there will be more than one point available. The victor will be crowned (not literally) in May.
As it's the first week, we will give both players a chance to get on the score-board. The questions are:
What will be the result of the third Test match at Edgbaston?
Tipster: India
Tramp: England
Who will win the final golf major of the year?
Tipster: McIlroy
Tramp: Westwood
Who will be the first try scorer in the England v. Wales match?
Tipster: Whoever plays full-back (JL - will allow this for once because anybody could be playing)
Tramp: Banahan
And the one we all want to know...
How many bogeys will Tiger Woods hit?*
Tipster: 13
Tramp: 11
*Double bogeys only count as 1
P.S. Because of return to Birmingham this evening, the blog was completed on Saturday evening, so anything which happened today has had to be ignored. Hopefully, there is electricity in my house but either way I will get the blog out next week in some capacity. I apologise of course.
In this edition, we have season predictions from our three pundits and I will introduce a weekly contest which will keep you engrossed (and warm) through the winter months. If that isn't enough, we have the usual random chat to try and keep you amused. I hope you enjoy!
Everybody...
wants to leave Newcastle. First it was Jose Enrique and now Joey Barton has forced his way out after he as well used twitter to slag off the management. Funnily enough they are going to ban it now. Barton decided to tell us that he was being allowed to leave, then was training by himself, then was being fined two weeks wages. But he decided to take it out on us by giving us a philosophy lesson on twitter. Apparently, not putting out a cigar in somebody's eye wasn't something he thought about sharing with us.
Everybody...
hates living in Manchester. First we had Carlos 'I wouldn't go there on holiday' Tevez slagging it off, then we had Mairo Balotelli complaining about it (although I believe his comments were taken out of context). Nemanja Vidic also said how it rained a lot when he first arrived here. Maybe that's why Sir Alex Ferguson is always scowling then.
Stoke City... have declared their interest in signing Nicklas Bendtner. In other news, the odds on them being relegated have dramatically shortened.
2:30pm... "Can't wait for the new season to begin." Safe to say I wasn't feeling as optimistic after the match, although the first game back doesn't really tell you anything.
One thing I would just like to point out is: West Ham - Carew, Leicester - Nugent, Forest - McGoldrick. Just saying.
Hall of Lame
Worst opening day defeat? Look no further than two years ago. Norwich City 1-7 Colchester.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xvxi4FDZYRs
Would have been funny if they weren't now a division above Forest.
Ben Foster - Flop of the week
"At the moment, I play my club football, I go home and have time with my family. That's absolutely brilliant. That's how I operate best as a footballer.
"But if something does happen to Joe [Hart], and the manager gives me a call and says 'we're desperate for you to come back in' then I can consider it. I can always consider it."
So basically, you retired from playing for your country because you were fed up of being a number 2, but if suddenly the guy who is better than you gets hurt you think it's fine to just rock up and play. Let us hope Joe Hart never gets injured or dropped then.
Goal-less wonders
Congratulations to the England under-20s who epitomised the art of sexy football by qualifying for the knock-out stages of their World Cup... without a goal being scored in any of their matches. They've been following the Paraguay school of how to win without actually winning, or if Carlsberg did 0-0s...
Fifa joy
I'd gone three weeks without playing on Fifa due to being away, but I returned with the season in February and my bid for Premier League glory hitting a stumbling block. I got through to May, and after a 4-4 draw against Manchester United, I went into the final match against Manchester City, who were 3 points above me, but with an inferior goal difference, knowing I could clinch the title by winning at their stadium.
To say the match was dramatic would be an understatement. An early goal for me was cancelled out soon after. Into the second half, City piled on the pressure, hitting the woodwork, before Carlos Tevez went through on goal, only to be denied by Shay Given (who I signed from them). After the save, I went straight to the other end and scored through Manfredini (a 200lbs beastly black man) to make it 2-1.
Then in stoppage time, City hit the beans on toast (the post) and aftet a mad scramble in the box I somehow got the ball clear and the ref blew his whistle for full-time. Incredibly, as I celebrated my famous victory (which goes down alongside Arsenal's 2-0 win over Liverpool in 1989), I saw the City players were celebrating and mine look dejected. I was fearing the worst, but once the match was finished I checked the table and saw I had indeed come first. Somehow.
Season predictions
Here are the predictions of our three "pundits" this year: myself, Richard 'Dick' Ayling and Fraser 'Pub Quiz' Kesteven. We will reveal the winner at the end of the season, although I may give updates at certain intervals.
As for the points system, there's 1 point for a correct answer. For those where there is one more than answer (e.g. 3 relegated teams) then it is 1 point per correct team and for guessing a number (e.g. number of Torres goals) then it is closest who wins. League goals only.
Premier League winner:
JL: Man U
FK: Man U
RA: Man U
Rest of top 4:
JL: Man City, Chelsea, Liverpool
FK: Chelsea, Man City, Arsenal
RA: Chelsea, Man City, Arsenal
Relegated teams:
JL: Norwich, Wigan, Swansea
FK: Norwich, Wigan, Swansea
RA: Norwich, Wigan, Swansea
Top goal-scorer:
JL: Rooney
FK: Rooney
RA: Rooney
Number of Fernando Torres goals:
JL: 10
FK: 15
RA: 10
Number of Mario Balotelli goals:
JL: 12
FK: 10
RA: 6
Number of Emile Heskey goals:
JL: 4
FK: 1
RA: 3
Number of games Arsenal let a lead slip:
JL: 6
FK: 4
RA: 6
Norwich overall goal-difference:
JL: -15
FK: -28
RA: -21
First managerial casualty:
JL: Alex McLeish
FK: Neil Warnock (JL - hope he's right)
RA: Steve Kean
FA Cup winner:
JL: Spurs
FK: Chelsea
RA: Chelsea
League Cup winner:
JL: Liverpool
FK: Man U
RA: Man City
Champions League winner:
JL: Real Madrid
FK: Barcelona
RA: Barcelona
Europa League winner:
JL: PSG
FK: Liverpool (JL - should be docked a point for being ignorant)
RA: Sevilla
Top 2 in Championship:
JL: West Ham, Leicester
FK: West Ham, Leicester
RA: West Ham, Leicester
Forest overall position:
JL: 5th
FK: 5th
RA: 4th
Forest top scorer:
JL: Lewis McGugan
FK: Marcus Tudgay
RA: Robbie Findley
Dele Adebola goals:
JL: 3
FK: 1
RA: 3
Nathan Tyson goals:
JL: 10 (I'm relying on him playing 30 games otherwise this will be wrong)
FK: 4
RA: 2
League 1 winner:
JL: Huddersfield
FK: Carlisle (JL - who were beaten 3-0 at home by Notts County. Fraser should definitely be docked a point now)
RA: Huddersfield
League 2 winner:
JL: Shrewsbury
FK: Northampton
RA: Crawley
Blue Square Prem winner:
JL: Luton
FK: Cambridge (JL - Cramp would be happy)
RA: Luton
And there's more...
As we can't wait until May to see who's the Messi and Bramble of footballing knowledge, we will have a weekly contest. Let me introduce you to:
The Tipster v. The Selly Oak Tramp
We know who the tipster is (Sam Travell), but how will his knowledge be tested against the anonymous tramp? Will the man with the betting know-how emerge triumphant, or will the SOT surprise us all and make Travell look village?
This will be a contest which involves all sports, so some weeks neither will win and on other occasions there will be more than one point available. The victor will be crowned (not literally) in May.
As it's the first week, we will give both players a chance to get on the score-board. The questions are:
What will be the result of the third Test match at Edgbaston?
Tipster: India
Tramp: England
Who will win the final golf major of the year?
Tipster: McIlroy
Tramp: Westwood
Who will be the first try scorer in the England v. Wales match?
Tipster: Whoever plays full-back (JL - will allow this for once because anybody could be playing)
Tramp: Banahan
And the one we all want to know...
How many bogeys will Tiger Woods hit?*
Tipster: 13
Tramp: 11
*Double bogeys only count as 1
P.S. Because of return to Birmingham this evening, the blog was completed on Saturday evening, so anything which happened today has had to be ignored. Hopefully, there is electricity in my house but either way I will get the blog out next week in some capacity. I apologise of course.
Sunday, 31 July 2011
All hail Super Mario
Hello and welcome to a surprisingly large (and at times witty) edition this week. I have been in a football bubble all week which I like to feel has been reflected here, along with the usual cricket stories. With the football season starting again, I will endeavour to cover as much of it as possible and there should be some predictions to look out for next week as I take on the three other guys I am living with next year to prove who has the greatest football knowledge. And failing that, I will just batter them on Fifa instead...
Balotelli reaches hero status (but is still flop of the week)
We had the bib, we had the gambling, the helping a child who was being bullied. And now we have the back-heel. Oh and don't forget the darts, the parking tickets, the wearing an AC Milan top when playing for Inter. I think you get the idea. Words cannot express how brilliant I think Balotelli is and I hope Roberto Mancini mans up and doesn't sell him. Give me Mario over mopy Carlos any day.
I know it's a week old now, but it's still brilliant. And if for some reason you haven't see the incident, then here it is. And if you have seen it, then here it is again. Even the Yanks commentating can't believe it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7oytEUmlkHo
The funny thing is, nobody mentions what a good pass it was from David Silva. And what if Balotelli had scored? We would all be bowing down to him right now.
Beckham feeling 'sick' as a parrot
It takes a lot to hurt David Beckham. Tattoos don't do it, having a wife who won't touch a carb isn't a problem either. But apparently Becks said he felt sick about the 2018 bid which went tits up. Also this week, he defended Balotelli, saying the striker must have thought he was offside when trying his ridiculous showboating. So for someone as polite as Beckham (who was clearly trying to be nice to Balotelli and feels no shame in calling a child Harper Sevem), to show outrage at Fifa just indicates just how bad they really are.
Arsenal own goal
I know it was a fluke and it's only a friendly. But still, the omens are not good.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kS4cjju_BoA
Elsewhere, the Gunners cocked up so that an American team won the Emirates Cup. Yes, the trophy which they themselves created in order for them to get some silverware and they still couldn't beat a side from a country where football is something like the 4th most popular sport.
I suppose it sums it up well that Thierry Henry was able to come to Arsenal and still win a trophy over one weekend. Maybe Arsenal should follow New York and rename their team Red Bull. After all it's clearly worked for them and we've seen how well Sebastian Vettel's done recently.
Also, Nicklas Bendtner is expected to leave Arsenal to go to Sporting Lisbon. In other news, the Gunners' odds in winning a trophy have been halved.
Jose not so special
We were all thinking it, but it took wantaway left-back Jose Enrique to finally say it:
"The club is allowing all the major players of the team to go. Seriously, do you think it is the fault of the players? Andy [Carroll], nobby [Kevin Nolan] etc etc. This club will never again fight to be among the top six again with this policy,"
"They [the board] don't want spend in [sic] the club and bring quality players that's why everybody go."
"lie all the time".
This is the same Enrique who was given a "massive offer" to stay with the club. I wonder what those who are getting a lot less, but aren't good enough to move elsewhere, think of Newcastle.
El-Hadji Dope
Good news, one of football's nice guys El-Hadji, yes the guy who has trouble keeping saliva in his mouth and was called a 'sewer rat' and the 'lowest of the low' by Neil Warnock (which is ironic) when abusing Jamie Mackie as he was being stretchered off with a double leg break, has been banned for 5 years from playing for Senegal.
Apparently El-Hadji, who is close with the Gaddafis, said African football was corrupt (but clearly not Libya) and when asked to explain what he meant, did not turn up to the meeting which was slightly more than a spits throw away. I'm sure international football won't miss him.
The one thing that I don't get is, why do football boards ask for someone to explain their comments? When Sir Alex Ferguson calls a ref useless, stupid, ugly, a Liverpool supporter and unfit, he is asked by the FA what he meant. Isn't it obvious? You might as well fine him and save the hassle.
Hall of Lame
In honour of Super Mario, here are two other showboats gone wrong:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xzPMvAIrtQs&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x4fsLeCjB4s
Cricketing excitement
Yes, thank you. It was I who predicted England would not win at Lords on the final day, so of course they proved me wrong. And I said Sachin wouldn't hit his hundreth hundred, which Billy Bowden must have heard. I was secretly hoping he would get to 99 then get a horrible LBW decision and not be able to review it. I'm the sort of person who feels victories where you have benefitted from lucky decisions aren't as good as normal, but should India get hard-done by I won't complain because it is there fault.
Moving on to the second Test, I should point out that the impressive performances from Ian Bell and Stuart Broad should be ignored because you can read any newspaper report bowing down to them. I am mainly hear to highlight sporting failures (of which I am an expert on), although I would like to briefly praise India for allowing Bell to come back after tea. If this had been Israel, not only would have Bell not been allowed back, they would have charged him for not leaving the pitch quickly enough, for wasting the third umpire's time, for not eating falafel and for parking illegally in the car park.
Cricket tip no 21: the Harbhajan Singh method of saving a Test match...
Tweet of the week
7 - Despite playing just 32 mins, Mario Balotelli had the most shots (4) & created the joint-most chances (3) v LA Galaxy. Hollywood.
Tweet of the week part 2
@sickipediabot sickipediabot
Q: If God created the top half of a woman, who created the bottom? A: The Council, who else would put a shit-hole next to a play area?
Irrelevant to sport, but I thought it was funny
Comeback of the week
http://bit.ly/oL3g0R - Alan Hansen would not be impressed
Comeback of the week part two
Carrying on my cricketing theme from last week, two of the teams I mentioned have gone on to produce another great match. To see Notts were 27-5 then 69-7 against Lancashire wasn't what I had hoped for, but to then go and win by 129 runs takes some effort. Funnily enough, spinner Graeme White didn't bowl a single delivery in the entire match, but he ended up scoring 86 runs and was only dismissed once. That was more runs than any other player on the pitch. Strange game cricket.
Embarrassing moment of the week
I have just finished my two weeks of work experience at FourFourTwo and on one day I was asked to ring up a few football clubs to see when their kits would be coming out. What I didn't realise was that you have to press 9 for external calls and that pressing 0 takes you down to reception. So imagine the surprise downstairs when some idiot calls them, says he's from FourFourTwo and asks when the Blackburn Rovers kit will be coming out?
Then, when I tried to ring Wigan, I did the same thing again and was put through to the same guy. Eventually I got through and was told Blackburn had no sponsor so a new kit wasn't coming out. So imagine my surprise when I saw this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v6euXX-pkCA
They could have at least kept me abreast of things...
Embarrassing moment of the week part 2
http://bit.ly/poTekj
Most likely incident of the week
Arsenal drawing from 2-0 and 1-0 up inside two days
Most unlikely incident of the week
Fernando Torres scoring
Number of football tops seen in London during my 2 weeks here
Manchester United - 4
Every London team combined - 3
No comment.
Quids up
I love Harry Potter as much as everyone else, but even for me this is too much.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2017581/Harry-Potter-Muggles-magic-alive-real-life-quidditch.html?ito=feeds-newsxml
Cricketing tip no 35: the Harbhajan Singh method of preventing a team-mate from shouting at an umpire... (shame nobody thought to use it on himself)
The week ahead
Sachin Tendulkar and Rahul Dravid both hit double centuries, but a hobbling Jonathan Trott takes a dramatic five-for to leave India needing 10 runs for the last wicket.
Incredibly, Mahendra Singh Dhoni hits the winning run and goes off celebrating, but Ian Bell notices that he has not grounded his bat so decides to run him out. Dhoni is then fined 100% of his match fee for a slow over rate and is banned for the rest of the tour.
Arsenal don't buy a defender.
Chelsea make a bid for Modric.
Another member of the Barcelona team say how much they love Cesc Fabregas.
Joey Barton tweets something ridiculous.
Forest say they don't need a left back.
Sven Goran-Eriksson signs five more players.
Quotes of the week
John W. Henry: "I am delighted to announce that from now on, we will be known as Liverpool Red Bull."
Sven Goran-Eriksson: "Well erm, I would like to welcome Mario to the club."
Victor Valdes: "Cesc is a Barcelona love child and we want him back."
Rory McIlroy: "Tiger is a failed golfer and will never amount to anything."
I suppose there's no shame being called a failed golfer by Rory, not like being called a rubbish goal-scorer by Heskey.
Cricketing tip no 43: the Indian team method of not using technology so that Harbhajan Singh can get a shocking decisionOptaJoe Opta Sports
Balotelli reaches hero status (but is still flop of the week)
We had the bib, we had the gambling, the helping a child who was being bullied. And now we have the back-heel. Oh and don't forget the darts, the parking tickets, the wearing an AC Milan top when playing for Inter. I think you get the idea. Words cannot express how brilliant I think Balotelli is and I hope Roberto Mancini mans up and doesn't sell him. Give me Mario over mopy Carlos any day.
I know it's a week old now, but it's still brilliant. And if for some reason you haven't see the incident, then here it is. And if you have seen it, then here it is again. Even the Yanks commentating can't believe it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7oytEUmlkHo
The funny thing is, nobody mentions what a good pass it was from David Silva. And what if Balotelli had scored? We would all be bowing down to him right now.
Beckham feeling 'sick' as a parrot
It takes a lot to hurt David Beckham. Tattoos don't do it, having a wife who won't touch a carb isn't a problem either. But apparently Becks said he felt sick about the 2018 bid which went tits up. Also this week, he defended Balotelli, saying the striker must have thought he was offside when trying his ridiculous showboating. So for someone as polite as Beckham (who was clearly trying to be nice to Balotelli and feels no shame in calling a child Harper Sevem), to show outrage at Fifa just indicates just how bad they really are.
Arsenal own goal
I know it was a fluke and it's only a friendly. But still, the omens are not good.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kS4cjju_BoA
Elsewhere, the Gunners cocked up so that an American team won the Emirates Cup. Yes, the trophy which they themselves created in order for them to get some silverware and they still couldn't beat a side from a country where football is something like the 4th most popular sport.
I suppose it sums it up well that Thierry Henry was able to come to Arsenal and still win a trophy over one weekend. Maybe Arsenal should follow New York and rename their team Red Bull. After all it's clearly worked for them and we've seen how well Sebastian Vettel's done recently.
Also, Nicklas Bendtner is expected to leave Arsenal to go to Sporting Lisbon. In other news, the Gunners' odds in winning a trophy have been halved.
Jose not so special
We were all thinking it, but it took wantaway left-back Jose Enrique to finally say it:
"The club is allowing all the major players of the team to go. Seriously, do you think it is the fault of the players? Andy [Carroll], nobby [Kevin Nolan] etc etc. This club will never again fight to be among the top six again with this policy,"
"They [the board] don't want spend in [sic] the club and bring quality players that's why everybody go."
"lie all the time".
This is the same Enrique who was given a "massive offer" to stay with the club. I wonder what those who are getting a lot less, but aren't good enough to move elsewhere, think of Newcastle.
El-Hadji Dope
Good news, one of football's nice guys El-Hadji, yes the guy who has trouble keeping saliva in his mouth and was called a 'sewer rat' and the 'lowest of the low' by Neil Warnock (which is ironic) when abusing Jamie Mackie as he was being stretchered off with a double leg break, has been banned for 5 years from playing for Senegal.
Apparently El-Hadji, who is close with the Gaddafis, said African football was corrupt (but clearly not Libya) and when asked to explain what he meant, did not turn up to the meeting which was slightly more than a spits throw away. I'm sure international football won't miss him.
The one thing that I don't get is, why do football boards ask for someone to explain their comments? When Sir Alex Ferguson calls a ref useless, stupid, ugly, a Liverpool supporter and unfit, he is asked by the FA what he meant. Isn't it obvious? You might as well fine him and save the hassle.
Hall of Lame
In honour of Super Mario, here are two other showboats gone wrong:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xzPMvAIrtQs&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x4fsLeCjB4s
Cricketing excitement
Yes, thank you. It was I who predicted England would not win at Lords on the final day, so of course they proved me wrong. And I said Sachin wouldn't hit his hundreth hundred, which Billy Bowden must have heard. I was secretly hoping he would get to 99 then get a horrible LBW decision and not be able to review it. I'm the sort of person who feels victories where you have benefitted from lucky decisions aren't as good as normal, but should India get hard-done by I won't complain because it is there fault.
Moving on to the second Test, I should point out that the impressive performances from Ian Bell and Stuart Broad should be ignored because you can read any newspaper report bowing down to them. I am mainly hear to highlight sporting failures (of which I am an expert on), although I would like to briefly praise India for allowing Bell to come back after tea. If this had been Israel, not only would have Bell not been allowed back, they would have charged him for not leaving the pitch quickly enough, for wasting the third umpire's time, for not eating falafel and for parking illegally in the car park.
Cricket tip no 21: the Harbhajan Singh method of saving a Test match...
Tweet of the week
7 - Despite playing just 32 mins, Mario Balotelli had the most shots (4) & created the joint-most chances (3) v LA Galaxy. Hollywood.
Tweet of the week part 2
@sickipediabot sickipediabot
Q: If God created the top half of a woman, who created the bottom? A: The Council, who else would put a shit-hole next to a play area?
Irrelevant to sport, but I thought it was funny
Comeback of the week
http://bit.ly/oL3g0R - Alan Hansen would not be impressed
Comeback of the week part two
Carrying on my cricketing theme from last week, two of the teams I mentioned have gone on to produce another great match. To see Notts were 27-5 then 69-7 against Lancashire wasn't what I had hoped for, but to then go and win by 129 runs takes some effort. Funnily enough, spinner Graeme White didn't bowl a single delivery in the entire match, but he ended up scoring 86 runs and was only dismissed once. That was more runs than any other player on the pitch. Strange game cricket.
Embarrassing moment of the week
I have just finished my two weeks of work experience at FourFourTwo and on one day I was asked to ring up a few football clubs to see when their kits would be coming out. What I didn't realise was that you have to press 9 for external calls and that pressing 0 takes you down to reception. So imagine the surprise downstairs when some idiot calls them, says he's from FourFourTwo and asks when the Blackburn Rovers kit will be coming out?
Then, when I tried to ring Wigan, I did the same thing again and was put through to the same guy. Eventually I got through and was told Blackburn had no sponsor so a new kit wasn't coming out. So imagine my surprise when I saw this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v6euXX-pkCA
They could have at least kept me abreast of things...
Embarrassing moment of the week part 2
http://bit.ly/poTekj
Most likely incident of the week
Arsenal drawing from 2-0 and 1-0 up inside two days
Most unlikely incident of the week
Fernando Torres scoring
Number of football tops seen in London during my 2 weeks here
Manchester United - 4
Every London team combined - 3
No comment.
Quids up
I love Harry Potter as much as everyone else, but even for me this is too much.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2017581/Harry-Potter-Muggles-magic-alive-real-life-quidditch.html?ito=feeds-newsxml
Cricketing tip no 35: the Harbhajan Singh method of preventing a team-mate from shouting at an umpire... (shame nobody thought to use it on himself)
The week ahead
Sachin Tendulkar and Rahul Dravid both hit double centuries, but a hobbling Jonathan Trott takes a dramatic five-for to leave India needing 10 runs for the last wicket.
Incredibly, Mahendra Singh Dhoni hits the winning run and goes off celebrating, but Ian Bell notices that he has not grounded his bat so decides to run him out. Dhoni is then fined 100% of his match fee for a slow over rate and is banned for the rest of the tour.
Arsenal don't buy a defender.
Chelsea make a bid for Modric.
Another member of the Barcelona team say how much they love Cesc Fabregas.
Joey Barton tweets something ridiculous.
Forest say they don't need a left back.
Sven Goran-Eriksson signs five more players.
Quotes of the week
John W. Henry: "I am delighted to announce that from now on, we will be known as Liverpool Red Bull."
Sven Goran-Eriksson: "Well erm, I would like to welcome Mario to the club."
Victor Valdes: "Cesc is a Barcelona love child and we want him back."
Rory McIlroy: "Tiger is a failed golfer and will never amount to anything."
I suppose there's no shame being called a failed golfer by Rory, not like being called a rubbish goal-scorer by Heskey.
Cricketing tip no 43: the Indian team method of not using technology so that Harbhajan Singh can get a shocking decisionOptaJoe Opta Sports
Sunday, 24 July 2011
I don't like cricket, oh wait, I do
Joel Campbell rejecting Arsenal
I think it says everything about what is going wrong at Arsenal when a 19-year-old Costa Rican player turns you down. Still, that hasn't stopped Wenger from making bids for 17-year-old Romelu Lukaku (who is incredible on Fifa) and Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, who is, unsurprisingly, also 17. In other news, a bid for Phil Jagielka, who is, surprisingly, not a teenager, was rejected on the grounds that it was £2 million less than was offered last year. So clearly not a serious bid then.
Mohamed Bin Hammered
One-time Fifa Presidential candidate (he never made it to voting) Mohamed Bin Hammam has been found guilty of trying to bribe officials to vote for him. No, really?! Trying to prove his innocene, Hammam said that Fifa had it out for him and were going to find him guilty. So nothing to do with the fact that somebody took photos of money used to bribe the heads of Caribbean football. It was all just one big conspiracy. Admittedly, Jack Warner decided to quit so he could not be charged and Sepp Blatter is clearly incorruptible so there is no issue there (after all, friends of Robert Mugabe couldn't be evil). Let us hope that Mohamed is bin-bagged and sent back to Qatar and we never have to hear from him again. Once his appeal has failed that is.
Tevez not leaving
In the latest 'no shit Sherlock' moment, we found out that Carlos Tevez isn't going to Corinthians. Did not see that coming.
Manu boo hoo
This week Emmanuel Adebayor was sent to play with the reserves after not being selected for Manchester City's tour of the US. So he complained about it. Then he was told to train with the youth team. It's not like Roberto Mancini failed to understand what Manu was saying, as anyone who watched him as a pundit during the World Cup would acknowledge.
Adebayor had a great time at Real Madrid last season apparently. He just wants us all to know that. As he said, he's prepared to wait until August 31st to seal his dream move. He might as well wait until August 2045 because it's not going to happen, not that I want to be the one who tells him this.
You can just picture the scene now: August 31
(Adebayor is in his sitting room, holding a Ronaldo toy tightly and eyeing up the phone. In walks Garry Cook).
Adebayor: Ooh, ooh Garry, any news from Jose?
Cook: Sorry Manu, I've heard nothing.
Adebayor: But he will call, I know he will call, Jose won't let me down.
Cook: We've had an offer from Tottenham, We were hoping you would go to them and get paid £100,000 to sit on their bench and mope.
Adebayor: Spurs?! Even I managed to score against them.
Cook: Yes, but if you actually put some effort in when you play Arsenal and score against them for their biggest rivals, then you will piss them off even more.
Adebayor: The only team in white I will go to is Madrid. Now shush, I'm trying to listen to the phone in case Jose calls.
A tweet by Rory McIlroy
http://www.mobypicture.com/user/McIlroyRory/view/10169451
Northern Ireland the last couple of months must have been a great place to go out!
Hall of Lame
I was thinking about part-time bowlers taking wickets when I saw Mahendra Singh Dhoni trundle in during the first Test match, so this week, unfortunately, we have to revisit one of my least favourite wickets of all time. We may all dislike Ricky Ponting, but sometimes I wonder why he didn't become an all rounder.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=heWw_Tp5cf0
Still, it's nothing on Michael Vaughan bowling Sachin Tendulkar.
Cricket shining through
As if this Test match hasn't been good enough, it has been a glorious week for cricket watchers everywhere. For me, two matches in particular have stood out. The Hampshire v. Nottinghamshire match was a thriller, with 25 of the 36 wickets being taken by spinners and Notts falling 4 runs short of winning the match with 4 wickets remaining.
However, the Roses clash at Headingley was something else. Yorkshire were 48 for 8 in reply to Lancashire's 328 all out, but they rallied to make 239.
Then, amazingly they had Lancashire 33 for 3 at the close of play and 87 for 8 the next morning, but then they managed to make it to 194.
As if that wasn't dramatic enough, chasing 283 to win, Yorkshire were 177-8 before another ridiculous 9th wicket stand got them to 230-9, but eventually they lost by 23 runs.
So overall, the 9th wicket stands in the match were: 9, 154, 80 and 53. Not too bad.
The week ahead
Got to back the draw in the Test match tomorrow, but I'm not backing a Tendulkar hundred as I think he might struggle for time.
In other news, Tevez will say he prefers Liverpool to Manchester, Cesc Fabregas' accountant will say he's being robbed and Sir Alex Ferguson will accuse everyone from the FA to his postman of being against him.
Quote of the week/month/year/millennium
Guy Moussi, after signing a 3 year contract with Forest: "I don't want to be rude, but I could not have gone to Derby. It was impossible."
And what he actually meant: "I would never go and play for the sheep-shagging scum, baa baa."
I hope you saw that Kris Commons.
And in case you dislike Wales and want to gloat at them for being bottom seeds in the next Fifa qualifying tournament, then you should read this. This guy should be a national hero.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/football/teams/wales/8635249/Meet-the-Faroese-student-who-made-Wales-officially-worse-at-football.html
I think it says everything about what is going wrong at Arsenal when a 19-year-old Costa Rican player turns you down. Still, that hasn't stopped Wenger from making bids for 17-year-old Romelu Lukaku (who is incredible on Fifa) and Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, who is, unsurprisingly, also 17. In other news, a bid for Phil Jagielka, who is, surprisingly, not a teenager, was rejected on the grounds that it was £2 million less than was offered last year. So clearly not a serious bid then.
Mohamed Bin Hammered
One-time Fifa Presidential candidate (he never made it to voting) Mohamed Bin Hammam has been found guilty of trying to bribe officials to vote for him. No, really?! Trying to prove his innocene, Hammam said that Fifa had it out for him and were going to find him guilty. So nothing to do with the fact that somebody took photos of money used to bribe the heads of Caribbean football. It was all just one big conspiracy. Admittedly, Jack Warner decided to quit so he could not be charged and Sepp Blatter is clearly incorruptible so there is no issue there (after all, friends of Robert Mugabe couldn't be evil). Let us hope that Mohamed is bin-bagged and sent back to Qatar and we never have to hear from him again. Once his appeal has failed that is.
Tevez not leaving
In the latest 'no shit Sherlock' moment, we found out that Carlos Tevez isn't going to Corinthians. Did not see that coming.
Manu boo hoo
This week Emmanuel Adebayor was sent to play with the reserves after not being selected for Manchester City's tour of the US. So he complained about it. Then he was told to train with the youth team. It's not like Roberto Mancini failed to understand what Manu was saying, as anyone who watched him as a pundit during the World Cup would acknowledge.
Adebayor had a great time at Real Madrid last season apparently. He just wants us all to know that. As he said, he's prepared to wait until August 31st to seal his dream move. He might as well wait until August 2045 because it's not going to happen, not that I want to be the one who tells him this.
You can just picture the scene now: August 31
(Adebayor is in his sitting room, holding a Ronaldo toy tightly and eyeing up the phone. In walks Garry Cook).
Adebayor: Ooh, ooh Garry, any news from Jose?
Cook: Sorry Manu, I've heard nothing.
Adebayor: But he will call, I know he will call, Jose won't let me down.
Cook: We've had an offer from Tottenham, We were hoping you would go to them and get paid £100,000 to sit on their bench and mope.
Adebayor: Spurs?! Even I managed to score against them.
Cook: Yes, but if you actually put some effort in when you play Arsenal and score against them for their biggest rivals, then you will piss them off even more.
Adebayor: The only team in white I will go to is Madrid. Now shush, I'm trying to listen to the phone in case Jose calls.
A tweet by Rory McIlroy
http://www.mobypicture.com/user/McIlroyRory/view/10169451
Northern Ireland the last couple of months must have been a great place to go out!
Hall of Lame
I was thinking about part-time bowlers taking wickets when I saw Mahendra Singh Dhoni trundle in during the first Test match, so this week, unfortunately, we have to revisit one of my least favourite wickets of all time. We may all dislike Ricky Ponting, but sometimes I wonder why he didn't become an all rounder.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=heWw_Tp5cf0
Still, it's nothing on Michael Vaughan bowling Sachin Tendulkar.
Cricket shining through
As if this Test match hasn't been good enough, it has been a glorious week for cricket watchers everywhere. For me, two matches in particular have stood out. The Hampshire v. Nottinghamshire match was a thriller, with 25 of the 36 wickets being taken by spinners and Notts falling 4 runs short of winning the match with 4 wickets remaining.
However, the Roses clash at Headingley was something else. Yorkshire were 48 for 8 in reply to Lancashire's 328 all out, but they rallied to make 239.
Then, amazingly they had Lancashire 33 for 3 at the close of play and 87 for 8 the next morning, but then they managed to make it to 194.
As if that wasn't dramatic enough, chasing 283 to win, Yorkshire were 177-8 before another ridiculous 9th wicket stand got them to 230-9, but eventually they lost by 23 runs.
So overall, the 9th wicket stands in the match were: 9, 154, 80 and 53. Not too bad.
The week ahead
Got to back the draw in the Test match tomorrow, but I'm not backing a Tendulkar hundred as I think he might struggle for time.
In other news, Tevez will say he prefers Liverpool to Manchester, Cesc Fabregas' accountant will say he's being robbed and Sir Alex Ferguson will accuse everyone from the FA to his postman of being against him.
Quote of the week/month/year/millennium
Guy Moussi, after signing a 3 year contract with Forest: "I don't want to be rude, but I could not have gone to Derby. It was impossible."
And what he actually meant: "I would never go and play for the sheep-shagging scum, baa baa."
I hope you saw that Kris Commons.
And in case you dislike Wales and want to gloat at them for being bottom seeds in the next Fifa qualifying tournament, then you should read this. This guy should be a national hero.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/football/teams/wales/8635249/Meet-the-Faroese-student-who-made-Wales-officially-worse-at-football.html
Sunday, 17 July 2011
Clarke follows Irish example
Right, I need to apologise to Graeme McDowell and Lee Westwood for backing them to do well at the Open. It was a bit harsh to give them the kiss of death, but I honestly thought both had chances of winning. Those of you who bet on either, well you should have bet with Paddy Power then shouldn't you.
As for Darren Clarke, it is nice to see such a popular figure win. Graeme McDowell said two winners from Northern Ireland was something like winning a lottery, but 3! I suppose that's about on a par with Forest winning the play-offs, Millwall being universally loved and Ryan Giggs not shagging anyone who looks at him.
But if Phil Mickelson wonders where his surprise form came from, he should thank me for predicting he would miss the cut. If he fancies giving me half of his prize money then I will feel rewarded for my work.
Everyday I'm suffering
It turns out Rebekah Brooks isn't the only person having a bad week. No, it appears that one famous person has been kidnapped and is being refused entry back to his homeland. That person is of course Cesc Fabregas, who according to his international team-mate Xavi is "suffering" and according to his home-town mayor, is being kept locked up at the Emirates, unable to leave. As part of the Harry Potter theme this week, it is only right Cesc be portrayed as Harry himself, locked up by the Gunners (i.e. the Dursleys) in a place where no-one can find him, unaware that a greater destiny awaits him (i.e. warming the bench in Barcelona). Let us hope Cesc can survive long enough to make it back home.
Party in the USA
Our Draco Malfoy has to be Joey Barton, a guy who has some good inside of him, but continues to cause trouble and wreak mayhem wherever he goes. Barton plays for Newcastle, where Albus Dumbledore (Sir Bobby Robson) used to rule, but it is his past misdemeanours which are causing him trouble. Whereas we have to suffer Barton every week, it appears that the United States have decided to block him from entering their country, threatening him with the Dementors kiss should he even dare to step inside an American terminal. The difficulty with Barton is not knowing why he has been banned from the US. Was it for putting out a cigarette in the eye of a team-mate? Was it for beating up Ousmane Dabo? Was it even for mooning some fans after a match? It could very easily be any of these things.
However, Barton can speak as much bollocks as Mundungus Fletcher when he wants to. Recently he said he was the best midfielder in England (despite his one cap) and after hearing his mate Kevin Nolan was leaving, he decided to tell his followers on twitter that himself, Jonas Gutierrez and Jose Enrique (Crabbe and Goyle) were also going to leave. It's a shame that we don't have the powers to kick Draco out of the country.
Rio giving bare chat
It was tough thinking of a character for another muppet who made the news this week, but I think it is possible to compare Rio Ferdinand to Professor Umbridge. You may be wondering how a cat-obsessed bitch who looks like a toad can in any way be similar to Rio 'I thought the test was tomorrow' Ferdinand, but I think I've just about figured it out. Ferdinand likes telling everybody that he is a perfect role model and that everything said about him is a lie. Like Umbridge. Ferdinand was once the top dog, captain of England and in favour with Fabio Capello. Like Umbridge with Fudge (Arsene Wenger - who is extremely stubborn and will not change his views despite everyone telling him he is wrong). Then Rio fell out of favour with Capello and was banished back to the ranks. Like Umbridge at the Ministry of Magic.
This week, Ferdinand was moaning that nobody rates Manchester United, that everybody wants them to lose and that they should be made clear favourites for the title (which they are). "It makes me laugh" he said, before going on a rant which proved that actually it didn't make him laugh at all. Maybe he should take it up with his boss, seeing as he is equally fond of journalists.
Snape - Mario Balotelli
Ron - Steve Sidwell
Hermione - Robbie Savage (looks like a girl, talks like a girl, acts like a girl)
Lord Voldemort - Sepp Blatter
Bellatrix Lestrange - Michel Platini (Blatter's bitch and both have a French name)
Neville Longbottom - Titus Bramble (both seem helpless but are truly heroic characters)
Liverpool riches
When you have midfielders such as Gerrard, Lucas, Meireles, Aquilani, Rodriguez and Kuyt, it seems extremely strange that you would go and spend the best part of £50 million on Henderson, Adam and Downing, three players who are pretty much the same quality. Oh and they bought themselves a reserve goalkeeper. So no money spent on defenders which is surprising when you have Glen Johnson and Martin Skrtel as part of your back four. Liverpool would have been better off forking out £50 million for Tevez, that way they have decent cover when Andy Carroll gets himself locked up.
Speaking of Tevez, it appears that the Argentinian version of Nicolas Anelka could be on his way to Brazil to secure a dream move to Corinthians. Then again, City could refuse to sell him and make him stay for the rest of his long-term contract which he signed only recently. I'm sure him and Adebayor would have a great time chatting in the reserves.
If we look at the number of players who are getting stroppy about not moving, we could start to put together a quality team. Players at the moment include: Fabregas, Modric, Tevez, Adebayor, Nasri (+ Clichy, Young and Downing who have already left).
Hall of Lame
I've already mentioned Joey Barton in some detail, but here are plenty of other examples why he is a thug. I've spared you the video of him mooning for obvious reasons.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wlz5tO1F9JI - kicking Dickson Etuhu
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ul5uVWDexRo - getting himself arrested
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZkBfsNlBEaY - taking out Alonso
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g9AfwVuttS4&feature=related - punching Morten Gamst Pederson
Tests ahead
A fabled batting line-up including Gambhir, Dravid and Tendulkar... is 138-8 at the end of day 2 in a warm-up match against Somerset at the flattest gorund in the country. This comes after the home side posted 425-3. So expect India to win the toss on Thursday and rack up 600 declared. And Tendulkar is poised on 99 international hundreds...
The bad news for England is that former coach Duncan Fletcher, who knows all about their players, is now coach of India. The good news is that he is planning to call up Geraint Jones and Ashley Giles to the squad, as neither have played international cricket for five years.
The week ahead
India 600-5 declared: Gambhir - 175, Dhoni - 110, Tendulkar - 99 (run out Gary Pratt)
Arsenal beat the Malaysian government u-15 reserves 5-0, followed by Arsene Wenger declaring his team are more mature and are ready to win the Premier League. After the match, Wenger signs one of the opposition players and uses him to silence his critics who say he doesn't spend enough money.
Liverpool sign Nigel Reo-Coker, Gareth Barry and Shaun Wright-Phillips
Quotes of the week
Arsene Wenger: "I would like to welcome Weira Gun Na Loose to the football club. I feel we are finally showing our strength in the transfer market."
Roberto Mancini: "I was absolutely not being disrespectful to Arsenal. All I said was I was looking forward to Nasri playing in a blue shirt next year. I was of course talking about the Arsenal away shirt. I think it looks good on him."
Harry Redknapp: "We will only sell Luka for a pack of fags and tin of magic beans."
Right, I need to apologise to Graeme McDowell and Lee Westwood for backing them to do well at the Open. It was a bit harsh to give them the kiss of death, but I honestly thought both had chances of winning. Those of you who bet on either, well you should have bet with Paddy Power then shouldn't you.
As for Darren Clarke, it is nice to see such a popular figure win. Graeme McDowell said two winners from Northern Ireland was something like winning a lottery, but 3! I suppose that's about on a par with Forest winning the play-offs, Millwall being universally loved and Ryan Giggs not shagging anyone who looks at him.
But if Phil Mickelson wonders where his surprise form came from, he should thank me for predicting he would miss the cut. If he fancies giving me half of his prize money then I will feel rewarded for my work.
Everyday I'm suffering
It turns out Rebekah Brooks isn't the only person having a bad week. No, it appears that one famous person has been kidnapped and is being refused entry back to his homeland. That person is of course Cesc Fabregas, who according to his international team-mate Xavi is "suffering" and according to his home-town mayor, is being kept locked up at the Emirates, unable to leave. As part of the Harry Potter theme this week, it is only right Cesc be portrayed as Harry himself, locked up by the Gunners (i.e. the Dursleys) in a place where no-one can find him, unaware that a greater destiny awaits him (i.e. warming the bench in Barcelona). Let us hope Cesc can survive long enough to make it back home.
Party in the USA
Our Draco Malfoy has to be Joey Barton, a guy who has some good inside of him, but continues to cause trouble and wreak mayhem wherever he goes. Barton plays for Newcastle, where Albus Dumbledore (Sir Bobby Robson) used to rule, but it is his past misdemeanours which are causing him trouble. Whereas we have to suffer Barton every week, it appears that the United States have decided to block him from entering their country, threatening him with the Dementors kiss should he even dare to step inside an American terminal. The difficulty with Barton is not knowing why he has been banned from the US. Was it for putting out a cigarette in the eye of a team-mate? Was it for beating up Ousmane Dabo? Was it even for mooning some fans after a match? It could very easily be any of these things.
However, Barton can speak as much bollocks as Mundungus Fletcher when he wants to. Recently he said he was the best midfielder in England (despite his one cap) and after hearing his mate Kevin Nolan was leaving, he decided to tell his followers on twitter that himself, Jonas Gutierrez and Jose Enrique (Crabbe and Goyle) were also going to leave. It's a shame that we don't have the powers to kick Draco out of the country.
Rio giving bare chat
It was tough thinking of a character for another muppet who made the news this week, but I think it is possible to compare Rio Ferdinand to Professor Umbridge. You may be wondering how a cat-obsessed bitch who looks like a toad can in any way be similar to Rio 'I thought the test was tomorrow' Ferdinand, but I think I've just about figured it out. Ferdinand likes telling everybody that he is a perfect role model and that everything said about him is a lie. Like Umbridge. Ferdinand was once the top dog, captain of England and in favour with Fabio Capello. Like Umbridge with Fudge (Arsene Wenger - who is extremely stubborn and will not change his views despite everyone telling him he is wrong). Then Rio fell out of favour with Capello and was banished back to the ranks. Like Umbridge at the Ministry of Magic.
This week, Ferdinand was moaning that nobody rates Manchester United, that everybody wants them to lose and that they should be made clear favourites for the title (which they are). "It makes me laugh" he said, before going on a rant which proved that actually it didn't make him laugh at all. Maybe he should take it up with his boss, seeing as he is equally fond of journalists.
Snape - Mario Balotelli
Ron - Steve Sidwell
Hermione - Robbie Savage (looks like a girl, talks like a girl, acts like a girl)
Lord Voldemort - Sepp Blatter
Bellatrix Lestrange - Michel Platini (Blatter's bitch and both have a French name)
Neville Longbottom - Titus Bramble (both seem helpless but are truly heroic characters)
Liverpool riches
When you have midfielders such as Gerrard, Lucas, Meireles, Aquilani, Rodriguez and Kuyt, it seems extremely strange that you would go and spend the best part of £50 million on Henderson, Adam and Downing, three players who are pretty much the same quality. Oh and they bought themselves a reserve goalkeeper. So no money spent on defenders which is surprising when you have Glen Johnson and Martin Skrtel as part of your back four. Liverpool would have been better off forking out £50 million for Tevez, that way they have decent cover when Andy Carroll gets himself locked up.
Speaking of Tevez, it appears that the Argentinian version of Nicolas Anelka could be on his way to Brazil to secure a dream move to Corinthians. Then again, City could refuse to sell him and make him stay for the rest of his long-term contract which he signed only recently. I'm sure him and Adebayor would have a great time chatting in the reserves.
If we look at the number of players who are getting stroppy about not moving, we could start to put together a quality team. Players at the moment include: Fabregas, Modric, Tevez, Adebayor, Nasri (+ Clichy, Young and Downing who have already left).
Hall of Lame
I've already mentioned Joey Barton in some detail, but here are plenty of other examples why he is a thug. I've spared you the video of him mooning for obvious reasons.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wlz5tO1F9JI - kicking Dickson Etuhu
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ul5uVWDexRo - getting himself arrested
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZkBfsNlBEaY - taking out Alonso
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g9AfwVuttS4&feature=related - punching Morten Gamst Pederson
Tests ahead
A fabled batting line-up including Gambhir, Dravid and Tendulkar... is 138-8 at the end of day 2 in a warm-up match against Somerset at the flattest gorund in the country. This comes after the home side posted 425-3. So expect India to win the toss on Thursday and rack up 600 declared. And Tendulkar is poised on 99 international hundreds...
The bad news for England is that former coach Duncan Fletcher, who knows all about their players, is now coach of India. The good news is that he is planning to call up Geraint Jones and Ashley Giles to the squad, as neither have played international cricket for five years.
The week ahead
India 600-5 declared: Gambhir - 175, Dhoni - 110, Tendulkar - 99 (run out Gary Pratt)
Arsenal beat the Malaysian government u-15 reserves 5-0, followed by Arsene Wenger declaring his team are more mature and are ready to win the Premier League. After the match, Wenger signs one of the opposition players and uses him to silence his critics who say he doesn't spend enough money.
Liverpool sign Nigel Reo-Coker, Gareth Barry and Shaun Wright-Phillips
Quotes of the week
Arsene Wenger: "I would like to welcome Weira Gun Na Loose to the football club. I feel we are finally showing our strength in the transfer market."
Roberto Mancini: "I was absolutely not being disrespectful to Arsenal. All I said was I was looking forward to Nasri playing in a blue shirt next year. I was of course talking about the Arsenal away shirt. I think it looks good on him."
Harry Redknapp: "We will only sell Luka for a pack of fags and tin of magic beans."
Sunday, 10 July 2011
Footballers talk like Haye but act like Charlie Sheen
Rio court case is a Cashley affair
It would be fair to say that shock of the week was not seeing Rio Ferdinand going to the High Court to sue the Mirror on Sunday for publishing a story that he had had an 8 year affair. Mr 'missed drugs test' himself may not have reached the levels of a Ryan Giggs, but he is notorious for his extra-marital affairs which have him on a par with Wayne Rooney. But instead of just ignoring the story, Ferdinand decided to sue the newspaper. Not because the story was false, but because it was a private manner, which of course, is now in every single newspaper and news outlet. You would think when it comes to privacy Rio would ask Giggs for a word or two as he would know that going to Court is the stupidest thing you can do when it comes to trying to keep an affair away from beocming big news. Ferdinand is obsessed with getting 'stay on your feet' into every part of his daily life now, but it is a shame that he didn't take the message to heart, as it might have saved him having to pay for lawyers, the Court and the Sunday Mirror when they win the case. Let's just be thankful that, with his memory, Ferdinand remembered to turn up to the Court.
Also this week we were told by none other than Ashley Cole, the man who cheated on his wife repeatedly and shot a work experience student with an air rifle, to judge him only on his football. After watching his performances last season, maybe he should be careful what he wishes for.
Mugabe blunder
In another great moment for Sepp Blatter, he decided to meet Robert Mugabe this week. I don't know what he was thinking, allowing himself to be pictured alongside that terrible dictator, the portrayor of all corruption and deceit, the runner of rigged elections and the man who would ruthlessly remove all enemies. Not that Mugabe is too great himself...
Haye's how you do it
As we try and forget about David Haye's awful attempt to knock out Wladimir Klitschko, the giant Ukranian decided to remind us that talk is cheap by putting up a video where he silently mocks the Hayemaker. As I continue the cliches, this proves that actions are louder than words and that Haye should learn to roll with the punches (ok I'll stop). The final attack at the end is truly a knockout hit for Haye, as a copy of the Daily Mail is used to compound his embarrassment. Bit of a low blow if you ask me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mH3IViJfK48
Sad day for Forest
The Forest Derby rivalry has been intense over the last few years, as former players and managers have traded sides and desperately tried to put one over each other. So it was a sad day to hear that chief Derby destroyer Robert Earnshaw has gone back to Cardiff instead of deciding to continue his exploits last year where he scored 3 times (including the winner at Pride Park). You might think with Billy Davies, Kris Commons and Robbie Savage all having left it would be a bit quieter next season but I wouldn't count on it. New Forest manager Schteve McClaren is a former Derby assistant manager and flag-waving extraordinaire Nathan Tyson has moved down the A5-2 to join the Rams, who probably still haven't forgiven him. As pre-season fixtures start to arrive and the countdown to the new campaign gets ever closer, I think we should look at the former Forest and Derby players in each other's ranks.
Forest
Lee Camp - saved penalty for us at Pride Park to earn controversial 1-1 draw (with help from Stuart Atwell)
Marcus Tudgay - scored twice for us in the 5-2 home win last season
Steve McClaren - see above
The Sheep
Nathan Tyson - see above
Nigel Clough - former Forest striker and, of course, son of the legendary Brian
Departures: Robert Earnshaw, Billy Davies, Kris Commons
In case any Forest fans out there need cheering up, here are a few Youtube videos I've just looked up: We start with my favourite ever match, the 1-1 draw at Pride Park. The footage is awful, but the commentary in the last minute or so more than makes up for it.
This is followed by the departing Earnshaw's winner at Pride Park and a compilation video of his goals, including the 3 against Derby and a hat-trick against Leicester City. The perfect way to enjoy your Sunday evening!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DC3FQv4v6o8&feature=related - Derby 1-1 Forest
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5gHknP-vQXE - Earnshaw at Pride Park
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iLfeFW3nocc - Earnshaw goals
Women footballers follow the men
I've always believed there was something re-assuring about familiarity, but I wouldn't tell our women footballers that after losing on penalties in the World Cup quarter-finals. Now I know I may not have been as complimentary to women's sports as I could have been, although that is not to say I didn't enjoy watching the tennis in Birmingham and at Wimbledon. So I will avoid making remarks like the matches had to go on longer because they had to explain the offside rule, because they are unneccessary. Truth is, I enjoy watching women's football. I mean Bend it Like Beckham was a brilliant film after all.
RIP NOTW
Whether you approved of the News of the World's techniques in finding stories or not, you must admit it was pretty interesting to read. I personally will miss hearing about the Fake Sheik and what he managed to convince celebrities to say when they thought they were talking in private. In particular, the newspaper should have our thanks for outing the Pakistani cricketers who tried to ruin the sport. It is a shame they never nailed Sepp Blatter as well, then they could have tried to rescue two sports from corruption.
Plane to Spain
We've had the Arms Race, now footballers are seeing who can get the plane to Spain the fastest. Cesc Fabregas has been putting in a top effort for the last couple of years, whilst Carlos Tevez has made a late dash, although he may have to wait for his move. Rumours have been circulating about a big bid from Barcelona for Gareth Bale, but that would appear highly unlikely. It will be interesting to see which moaning footballer out of Fabregas and Tevez can get there first as players convince themselves that they will get into the Real Madrid and Barcelona teams. Tevez possibly could get in the Madrid team, but Cesc should be careful before rushing back to Catalunia. He may have won nothing at Arsenal, but at least he got on the pitch. Maybe he should talk to Javier Mascherano, who spent the whole season on the bench and only got to play when there were injuries, before deciding to leave.
Hall of Lame
If Rio is flop of the week, it would seem right to look back at some of his indiscretions. This week he was accused of having affairs with 10 women, he has had a number of one night stands, filmed himself having group sex in Cyprus and missed a drugs test because he went shopping. And in a continuation of this, he decided to send a direct message to journalist Oliver Holt recently, saying: "You fat prick. U got something to say about me missing a drugs test say it when u see me." And this was the England captain, who got replaced by John Terry. Lovely.
Also, as the News of the World is shutting down, we should remember the time Sven fell for the Fake Sheikh and said he would be tempted to join Aston Villa as manager and could bring David Beckham with him. Brilliant.
The week ahead
Golf, like tennis, decides to throw together a few majors at the same time, so only a few weeks after Rory McIlroy's triumph at Congressional, we are back in Britain for the British Open. Here are my predictions:
Winner: Graeme McDowell (sorry to jinx him)
Runner-up: Lee Westwood
Rory McIlroy performance: 65, 67, 81, 59 - ends 5th
Certainty to miss the cut: Phil Mickelson (has only one top 10 finish in this event)
Also this week, Liverpool will announce they are going to build a new stadium. Rumours are it will be sponsored by the History Channel.
Quotes of the week
Carlos Tevez: "My little toe is hurting, so I have to go to Spain."
Cesc Fabregas: "I miss eating good paella, so I must return to my homeland."
Harry Redknapp: "Luka Modric is not leaving no matter what."
Daniel Levy: "We will never sell Luka Modric."
Luka Modric: "Sod it, I'm off to Spain."
It would be fair to say that shock of the week was not seeing Rio Ferdinand going to the High Court to sue the Mirror on Sunday for publishing a story that he had had an 8 year affair. Mr 'missed drugs test' himself may not have reached the levels of a Ryan Giggs, but he is notorious for his extra-marital affairs which have him on a par with Wayne Rooney. But instead of just ignoring the story, Ferdinand decided to sue the newspaper. Not because the story was false, but because it was a private manner, which of course, is now in every single newspaper and news outlet. You would think when it comes to privacy Rio would ask Giggs for a word or two as he would know that going to Court is the stupidest thing you can do when it comes to trying to keep an affair away from beocming big news. Ferdinand is obsessed with getting 'stay on your feet' into every part of his daily life now, but it is a shame that he didn't take the message to heart, as it might have saved him having to pay for lawyers, the Court and the Sunday Mirror when they win the case. Let's just be thankful that, with his memory, Ferdinand remembered to turn up to the Court.
Also this week we were told by none other than Ashley Cole, the man who cheated on his wife repeatedly and shot a work experience student with an air rifle, to judge him only on his football. After watching his performances last season, maybe he should be careful what he wishes for.
Mugabe blunder
In another great moment for Sepp Blatter, he decided to meet Robert Mugabe this week. I don't know what he was thinking, allowing himself to be pictured alongside that terrible dictator, the portrayor of all corruption and deceit, the runner of rigged elections and the man who would ruthlessly remove all enemies. Not that Mugabe is too great himself...
Haye's how you do it
As we try and forget about David Haye's awful attempt to knock out Wladimir Klitschko, the giant Ukranian decided to remind us that talk is cheap by putting up a video where he silently mocks the Hayemaker. As I continue the cliches, this proves that actions are louder than words and that Haye should learn to roll with the punches (ok I'll stop). The final attack at the end is truly a knockout hit for Haye, as a copy of the Daily Mail is used to compound his embarrassment. Bit of a low blow if you ask me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mH3IViJfK48
Sad day for Forest
The Forest Derby rivalry has been intense over the last few years, as former players and managers have traded sides and desperately tried to put one over each other. So it was a sad day to hear that chief Derby destroyer Robert Earnshaw has gone back to Cardiff instead of deciding to continue his exploits last year where he scored 3 times (including the winner at Pride Park). You might think with Billy Davies, Kris Commons and Robbie Savage all having left it would be a bit quieter next season but I wouldn't count on it. New Forest manager Schteve McClaren is a former Derby assistant manager and flag-waving extraordinaire Nathan Tyson has moved down the A5-2 to join the Rams, who probably still haven't forgiven him. As pre-season fixtures start to arrive and the countdown to the new campaign gets ever closer, I think we should look at the former Forest and Derby players in each other's ranks.
Forest
Lee Camp - saved penalty for us at Pride Park to earn controversial 1-1 draw (with help from Stuart Atwell)
Marcus Tudgay - scored twice for us in the 5-2 home win last season
Steve McClaren - see above
The Sheep
Nathan Tyson - see above
Nigel Clough - former Forest striker and, of course, son of the legendary Brian
Departures: Robert Earnshaw, Billy Davies, Kris Commons
In case any Forest fans out there need cheering up, here are a few Youtube videos I've just looked up: We start with my favourite ever match, the 1-1 draw at Pride Park. The footage is awful, but the commentary in the last minute or so more than makes up for it.
This is followed by the departing Earnshaw's winner at Pride Park and a compilation video of his goals, including the 3 against Derby and a hat-trick against Leicester City. The perfect way to enjoy your Sunday evening!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DC3FQv4v6o8&feature=related - Derby 1-1 Forest
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5gHknP-vQXE - Earnshaw at Pride Park
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iLfeFW3nocc - Earnshaw goals
Women footballers follow the men
I've always believed there was something re-assuring about familiarity, but I wouldn't tell our women footballers that after losing on penalties in the World Cup quarter-finals. Now I know I may not have been as complimentary to women's sports as I could have been, although that is not to say I didn't enjoy watching the tennis in Birmingham and at Wimbledon. So I will avoid making remarks like the matches had to go on longer because they had to explain the offside rule, because they are unneccessary. Truth is, I enjoy watching women's football. I mean Bend it Like Beckham was a brilliant film after all.
RIP NOTW
Whether you approved of the News of the World's techniques in finding stories or not, you must admit it was pretty interesting to read. I personally will miss hearing about the Fake Sheik and what he managed to convince celebrities to say when they thought they were talking in private. In particular, the newspaper should have our thanks for outing the Pakistani cricketers who tried to ruin the sport. It is a shame they never nailed Sepp Blatter as well, then they could have tried to rescue two sports from corruption.
Plane to Spain
We've had the Arms Race, now footballers are seeing who can get the plane to Spain the fastest. Cesc Fabregas has been putting in a top effort for the last couple of years, whilst Carlos Tevez has made a late dash, although he may have to wait for his move. Rumours have been circulating about a big bid from Barcelona for Gareth Bale, but that would appear highly unlikely. It will be interesting to see which moaning footballer out of Fabregas and Tevez can get there first as players convince themselves that they will get into the Real Madrid and Barcelona teams. Tevez possibly could get in the Madrid team, but Cesc should be careful before rushing back to Catalunia. He may have won nothing at Arsenal, but at least he got on the pitch. Maybe he should talk to Javier Mascherano, who spent the whole season on the bench and only got to play when there were injuries, before deciding to leave.
Hall of Lame
If Rio is flop of the week, it would seem right to look back at some of his indiscretions. This week he was accused of having affairs with 10 women, he has had a number of one night stands, filmed himself having group sex in Cyprus and missed a drugs test because he went shopping. And in a continuation of this, he decided to send a direct message to journalist Oliver Holt recently, saying: "You fat prick. U got something to say about me missing a drugs test say it when u see me." And this was the England captain, who got replaced by John Terry. Lovely.
Also, as the News of the World is shutting down, we should remember the time Sven fell for the Fake Sheikh and said he would be tempted to join Aston Villa as manager and could bring David Beckham with him. Brilliant.
The week ahead
Golf, like tennis, decides to throw together a few majors at the same time, so only a few weeks after Rory McIlroy's triumph at Congressional, we are back in Britain for the British Open. Here are my predictions:
Winner: Graeme McDowell (sorry to jinx him)
Runner-up: Lee Westwood
Rory McIlroy performance: 65, 67, 81, 59 - ends 5th
Certainty to miss the cut: Phil Mickelson (has only one top 10 finish in this event)
Also this week, Liverpool will announce they are going to build a new stadium. Rumours are it will be sponsored by the History Channel.
Quotes of the week
Carlos Tevez: "My little toe is hurting, so I have to go to Spain."
Cesc Fabregas: "I miss eating good paella, so I must return to my homeland."
Harry Redknapp: "Luka Modric is not leaving no matter what."
Daniel Levy: "We will never sell Luka Modric."
Luka Modric: "Sod it, I'm off to Spain."
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