My week at the Test match

It has been an interesting week for me to say the least. I returned to Birmingham on Sunday evening not knowing if my new house even had electricity or running water. To my obvious relief it had both, although it took me another 24 hours to get any hot water (and seven days later I still haven't managed to get the heating on).

The reason for my return? I had been invited to be a media volunteer for the duration of the Test match. I was told to arrive on Monday morning at 8am in smart attire and stay until the match concluded, which was to be at some point during the weekend. I had no idea what to expect when I agreed to this proposition, but over the next six days I experienced a lot, both good, bad and funny which I thought I would share.

Due to my long hours at Edgbaston and only having internet for two evenings, I have struggled to follow the sporting news as I would have liked to. So instead, I will try and give you an idea of what happened during a week which saw me be shouted at by an irate Indian journalist and discuss pink shirts with Jonathan Agnew.

I hope you find it interesting and amusing even if you don't like cricket. And for football fans out there, everything will be back to normal next week, when hopefully Forest will have finally registered a league win (although the Carling Cup victory deserves great mention).

Monday

With just two days before the match was due to start, I, alongside the other five or six media volunteers who all knew each other beforehand, were given a tour around Edgbaston in order to familiarise ourselves with the place as we would be guiding journalists and photographers to the new press centre.

The Indian team had an early training session and my brief was to lead the Indian journalists to a certain entrance around the ground where they could watch and take photographs. Fortunately, most were appreciative of my assistance.

A couple came up to me asking if I could help get one of their colleagues into the ground who had not been given media accreditation, which I could not and others complained that they had to walk all the way around to reception before being guided back again. When I suggested I might have a word with the stewards I was told in no uncertain terms that I would talk to them immediately.

However, the most shocking moment of the entire week came when a small man with a big camera lens (standard) bristled up to me demanding I take him to the pitch. Although I offered to take him around, he brushed past me and tried to go through the doors nearby which I and the security guard informed him were locked. This clearly did not matter to him and he demanded I find him a way through to the pitch (although at this point he was speaking so quickly I could barely comprehend what he was saying).

After trying unsuccessfully to get him through a different entrance and telling him he had to go back, I was unleashed with a full tirade of abuse about how useless I was etc. Now normally I wouldn't take this, but as I was on strict orders to always be polite I walked him back the way we should have gone. Once again he spotted an entrance and when I again informed him that he wasn't meant to go that way, he told me to leave him alone as he stormed off with his manhood inferiority-complex of a camera. A perfect first day...

... which got better later on. At a mate's house five minutes from my own, I heard about serious rioting up the road in the city centre, which were apparently race related and on their way to Selly Oak. After several hours listening and watching the news, we finally realised that neither of those two things were true, but as it was now approaching midnight, I decided it was best not to chance it. And I got to wake up in a house which wasn't stone cold the next morning.

Tuesday

By now, my 35 minute walk each way to the ground in smart shoes I hadn't worn in a year had given me horrific blisters. But on the bright side I no longer had to deal with small, angry Indian journalists as all the press now knew where everything was.

Instead, I endured a series of briefings on what was expected of me as a volunteer etc, with the idea being that I would finish work at 11:30 and spend the rest of the day watching the cricket (sounds perfect I know).

Back at the house, after watching Role Models for the 100th time, me and Richard Ayling tuned into extra-time of the Nottingham Forest Carling Cup tie versus Notts County (more on this later). Safe to say after the events of that night, it took a while for me to calm down enough to go to sleep, which wasn't great considering my alarm was on for 5:15 am.

Wednesday

It was at about 7:45 am, standing in front of a car-park with a giant lollipop which directed the media towards the press area, when I began to regret signing up to volunteer. Standing in just a t-shirt which read: 'Can I help' (nobody decided to find out if I could), I spent the next three and a half hours shivering in the cold as the players and broadcasters walked past. On the plus side, David Gower looked at the sign which said Media entrance and had an arrow pointing them in the right direction and sarcastically added: "Well that's helpful isn't it" as he strolled on by. Still, he was the only person to even acknowledge my existence.

By now the blisters meant I could barely walk, but I got to watch the England attack race through the Indian batting line-up, before being summoned to a briefing at 5:20 where I was told one of the busiest roads had been closed off. So instead of announcing it in the stadium, they decided to send the 15 or so volunteers (more ECB ones had turned up) to man the exits and inform the 25,000 spectators. After an hour, the day's play finished and streams of supporters started to leave the ground. As now nobody could hear the lone guy in front of them trying to shout some jibberish at them, I buggered off, cursing the day I ever decided to do volunteering.

However, one guy cheered me up when he walked over and asked me where the pussy was. Clearly he doesn't know me or he wouldn't be asking.

Thursday

I was off lollipop duty and was back working for the PR team. To my relief, I was stationed inside, manning the entrance to the broadcasters entrance on the third floor, which needed someone to type in a code and make sure the door didn't slam. One highlight was Shane Warne venting his frustration (not at me) that he had to go outside the building everytime he wanted to make a call. I should also add that Liz Hurley came in at least twice during the week, although unfortunately I was not present for either occasion.

Other highlights included meeting Geoffrey Boycott who asked me how I was (I can die now) and having a pleasant exchange with Jonathan Agnew. Aggers and I were both wearing pink shirts and after two hours of not daring to talk to any of the big beasts of broadcasting (good luck saying that), I clumsily commented that I liked his choise of shirt.

Probably very startled and worried, he turned around and said, "Do you really think so?" He seemed taken aback yet pleased by the praise. I responded by saying i did, before we compared his pink shirt to mine, which was not as bright. It is the measure of the man that he felt able to have a trivial exchange with me and sound exactly like he does on the radio when talking to genuine celebrities. Still, nothing could match the yellow trousers worn by Henry Blofeld, which trumped anything else the entire week.

By now, it was established that once I was no longer needed to stand by the door, I could go up a floor to the spacious press box and watch the cricket. I was also able to enjoy the same food as the journalists, which was a sight to behold. Here is an idea of the spread the hacks could feast upon:

Breakfast: Tea, Coffee, pastries androlls filled with bacon and/or fried eggs

Lunch: Sandwiches, noodles, salad, cured meats, three potential main courses (for instance on one day there were three types of curry on offer), potatoes/rice, fruit, and an array of chocolate bars, crisps and sweets

Tea: Lots of cakes, other pastries, more chocolate

During the entire day: As many bottles of Red Bull and water as you like as well as hot drinks and biscuits

I have seen buffets in my time, but for a free day of eating and drinking you will never beat this.

This is a picture of tea on the final day. Sorry, this is only half of tea, the rest of it couldn't be fit in

Friday

Feeling like a failure for having only talked to one journalist despite spending plenty of time in the press area, I decided I would try my luck should an opportunity arise. As I sad down at breakfast, having a pastry and reading a newspaper, I was joined by Martin Samuel, chief sports writer at the Daily Mail and the current Sports Writer of the Year.

He said hello and began to eat his bacon butties and read a newspaper as I waited for an opportunity to try and introduce myself. I think he found it very disconcerting that a volunteer was staring at him waiting for him to finish his sandwich, but more by luck than good judgement, I eventually started up a conversation with him which continued for 20 minutes until the day's play started.

It's certainly an eye-opener when you meet one of the top brass in any profession and I felt a little bit embarrassed when he said half-way through that he didn't even know my name, which was to prove a point. Point well-made I thought.

After sleepily watching Alastair Cook compile his massive score - interrupted only by my annoyance that the umpires took the players off for bad light - I finally began to realise that the early starts and late finishes were now worth it, especially for the lunches I received.

And in my usual stint on the third floor, I saw Warney again, this time having finished a fag break while there was rain in the air, before rushing back to the studio as he realised play was about to resume and he was needed in the Sky studio. Judging by the pace he showed out of the elevator, his fitness regime is clearly working.

The banter from the crowd was quite brilliant today. They had an orange ball and an inflatable ball confiscated by officials, so as the Eric Hollies stand continually chanted, "We want our ball back," one man jumped over the advertising hoardings to re-claim the orange ball. As he was escorted off by two stewards, another guy did the same trick and picked up the now unguarded inflatable ball. Seeing that more stewards were coming to get him, he threw the ball back into the crowd and jumped over the hoardings, without realising that the ball had hit the hoardings and bounced back onto the pitch. He too was arrested and probably evicted from the ground.

As Cook approached his landmark 300, I jokingly said to the guy next to me, "What's the bet he tries to do it with a six?" having just seen Tim Bresnan reach his 50 in a similar manner. We both laughed about it, then watched in horror as he was caught just in front of the boundary moments later. Never has 6 runs in a match been so inconsequential to the overall result yet so debated.

And when Sehwag got out first ball for the second time in the match, even I was thinking that I could do a job for the Indians. I mean, could I do any worse than two first-ballers? Maybe if I ran out Tendulkar.

Saturday

There was a definitey party atmosphere in the crowd, buoyed by the fact that Warwickshire were trying to break a world record for most people in fancy dress at the same place. Of course, this led to general hilarity. There was the sight of a banana being followed into the stand by an army of ninjas. A gang of Mr Blobby's were treated to a rendition of, "Blobby! Blobby!" and one guy dressed as Spiderman got onto the top of a stand and slid down a pole, before being escorted out, to the obvious tune of, "Spiderman! Spiderman!"

On the field, India decided to come dressed as cricketers. Shame they didn't play like them. My famous ability of tempting fate struck again as I text somebody telling them Tendulkar was looking ominous at the crease. Next over, he was run-out at the non-striker's end whilst backing-up and naturally I felt like it was my fault. It's lucky I don't predict horoscopes or the weather.

With the match now finished, I got to attend the post-match press conferences where the Indian journalists tried to get Andrew Strauss to slag off their team, unsuccessfully, and the English journalists asked him if he was the best captain the world and if he and Cook were the best opening partnership in the world. There's optimistic and there's that.
　
So, that was it. Obviously I didn't have the time or memory to jot down everything that happened this week, but I felt it would be stupid to have experienced so much in a short period of time and not to share it.

Overall, I'd have to say it was a positive experience and it's going to be difficult to adjust to normal lunches again. Should you feel in any way remotely inspired by this story (and I can't really see why you would), then you could volunteer yourself for a Test match through the ECB. Or just hope you are good enough to one day get in the team.

Forest v. Notts County

There is nothing I can say which will do justice to this, so just watch it again, and again, and again.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/league_cup/14368484.stm

Last golf major

I have been unable to see any of the golf this week, but I looked at the leaderboard today to see the leading names were Jason Dufner, Keegan Bradley and Brendan Steele. I like to think I know what's going on in the golfing world, but seriously, who?

Flop(ianski) of the week

QPR were certainly contenders as was David de Gea, but for dropping two dollies on the second day, it has to be Rahul Dravid. The Bell one could be forgiven, but that Morgan one in the last over of the day? Sandra Redknapp and Geoffrey Boycott's grandmother could have caught that.

Hall of Lame

England are one game away from a famous whitewash against what was the number one side in the world before the series started. The most obvious whitewash to think about is in 2006/07, but we all know about that. Just as bad was the 5-0 ODI drubbing against Sri Lanka. At least Tim Bresnan has improved since then,

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/cricket/england/5133154.stm


And of course, if we are looking at a 4-0 victory on the opening day of the season involving a newly-promoted team, then we only need to go back a year.

As for awful debuts, Jonathan Woodgate at Real Madrid would take some beating...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/europe/4273704.stm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SIzSC2PzgBQ


Weekly predictions: Tipster v. the Selly Oak Tramp

Last week's predictions:

What will be the result of the third Test match at Edgbaston?

Tipster: India
Tramp: England

Result: England

Who will win the final golf major of the year?

Tipster: McIlroy
Tramp: Westwood

Result: both are wrong (winner will not be known until later)

Who will be the first try scorer in the England v. Wales match?

Tipster: Whoever plays full-back

Tramp: Banahan

Result: Hook

And the one we all want to know...

How many bogeys will Tiger Woods hit?*

Tipster:13

Tramp:11

Result: 13

*Double bogeys only count as 1

Current score: Tipster 2-1 Tramp (Getting the one we all want to know bang-on is worth double points)

This week:
How many runs will India score in their first innings at the Oval?

Tipster: 198
Tramp: 320


What will be the score in the Forest v. Leicester match next Saturday?

Tipster: 1-3
Tramp: 1-1


The week ahead
Robin Van Persie scores for Arsenal against Udinese on Tuesday. He then announces at half-time he wants to leave.

Sachin Tendulkar gets into the 90s on the fifth day, but it starts raining and he is left stranded.

Joey Barton announces he is joining Celebrity Big Brother.

Quotes of the week
Joey Barton on Twitter - "I hate divers, but feigning injury to get someone sent off is ok #hypocrite"

Wes Morgan - "OH YEAH!"

Joey Baton on Twitter - "Commited to Newcastle cause #championsleagueherewecome"

As I said, I have been busy this week and wihout internet for much of it, so I apologise if I have missed anything out. But I would like to make the following observations...

Arsenal kept a clean-sheet - Wow

Liverpool drew at home to a mid-table team - Shocker

QPR got mauled - Hooray

Forest - Worrying

Clasico number one of the season is starting now. Enjoy!