Clarke follows Irish example

Right, I need to apologise to Graeme McDowell and Lee Westwood for backing them to do well at the Open. It was a bit harsh to give them the kiss of death, but I honestly thought both had chances of winning. Those of you who bet on either, well you should have bet with Paddy Power then shouldn't you.

As for Darren Clarke, it is nice to see such a popular figure win. Graeme McDowell said two winners from Northern Ireland was something like winning a lottery, but 3! I suppose that's about on a par with Forest winning the play-offs, Millwall being universally loved and Ryan Giggs not shagging anyone who looks at him.

But if Phil Mickelson wonders where his surprise form came from, he should thank me for predicting he would miss the cut. If he fancies giving me half of his prize money then I will feel rewarded for my work.

Everyday I'm suffering

It turns out Rebekah Brooks isn't the only person having a bad week. No, it appears that one famous person has been kidnapped and is being refused entry back to his homeland. That person is of course Cesc Fabregas, who according to his international team-mate Xavi is "suffering" and according to his home-town mayor, is being kept locked up at the Emirates, unable to leave. As part of the Harry Potter theme this week, it is only right Cesc be portrayed as Harry himself, locked up by the Gunners (i.e. the Dursleys) in a place where no-one can find him, unaware that a greater destiny awaits him (i.e. warming the bench in Barcelona). Let us hope Cesc can survive long enough to make it back home.
Party in the USA

Our Draco Malfoy has to be Joey Barton, a guy who has some good inside of him, but continues to cause trouble and wreak mayhem wherever he goes. Barton plays for Newcastle, where Albus Dumbledore (Sir Bobby Robson) used to rule, but it is his past misdemeanours which are causing him trouble. Whereas we have to suffer Barton every week, it appears that the United States have decided to block him from entering their country, threatening him with the Dementors kiss should he even dare to step inside an American terminal. The difficulty with Barton is not knowing why he has been banned from the US. Was it for putting out a cigarette in the eye of a team-mate? Was it for beating up Ousmane Dabo? Was it even for mooning some fans after a match? It could very easily be any of these things.

However, Barton can speak as much bollocks as Mundungus Fletcher when he wants to. Recently he said he was the best midfielder in England (despite his one cap) and after hearing his mate Kevin Nolan was leaving, he decided to tell his followers on twitter that himself, Jonas Gutierrez and Jose Enrique (Crabbe and Goyle) were also going to leave. It's a shame that we don't have the powers to kick Draco out of the country.

Rio giving bare chat

It was tough thinking of a character for another muppet who made the news this week, but I think it is possible to compare Rio Ferdinand to Professor Umbridge. You may be wondering how a cat-obsessed bitch who looks like a toad can in any way be similar to Rio 'I thought the test was tomorrow' Ferdinand, but I think I've just about figured it out. Ferdinand likes telling everybody that he is a perfect role model and that everything said about him is a lie. Like Umbridge. Ferdinand was once the top dog, captain of England and in favour with Fabio Capello. Like Umbridge with Fudge (Arsene Wenger - who is extremely stubborn and will not change his views despite everyone telling him he is wrong). Then Rio fell out of favour with Capello and was banished back to the ranks. Like Umbridge at the Ministry of Magic.

This week, Ferdinand was moaning that nobody rates Manchester United, that everybody wants them to lose and that they should be made clear favourites for the title (which they are). "It makes me laugh" he said, before going on a rant which proved that actually it didn't make him laugh at all. Maybe he should take it up with his boss, seeing as he is equally fond of journalists.

Snape - Mario Balotelli
Ron - Steve Sidwell
Hermione - Robbie Savage (looks like a girl, talks like a girl, acts like a girl)
Lord Voldemort - Sepp Blatter
Bellatrix Lestrange - Michel Platini (Blatter's bitch and both have a French name)
Neville Longbottom - Titus Bramble (both seem helpless but are truly heroic characters)

Liverpool riches

When you have midfielders such as Gerrard, Lucas, Meireles, Aquilani, Rodriguez and Kuyt, it seems extremely strange that you would go and spend the best part of £50 million on Henderson, Adam and Downing, three players who are pretty much the same quality. Oh and they bought themselves a reserve goalkeeper. So no money spent on defenders which is surprising when you have Glen Johnson and Martin Skrtel as part of your back four. Liverpool would have been better off forking out £50 million for Tevez, that way they have decent cover when Andy Carroll gets himself locked up.

Speaking of Tevez, it appears that the Argentinian version of Nicolas Anelka could be on his way to Brazil to secure a dream move to Corinthians. Then again, City could refuse to sell him and make him stay for the rest of his long-term contract which he signed only recently. I'm sure him and Adebayor would have a great time chatting in the reserves.

If we look at the number of players who are getting stroppy about not moving, we could start to put together a quality team. Players at the moment include: Fabregas, Modric, Tevez, Adebayor, Nasri (+ Clichy, Young and Downing who have already left).

Hall of Lame

I've already mentioned Joey Barton in some detail, but here are plenty of other examples why he is a thug. I've spared you the video of him mooning for obvious reasons.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wlz5tO1F9JI - kicking Dickson Etuhu
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ul5uVWDexRo - getting himself arrested
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZkBfsNlBEaY - taking out Alonso
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g9AfwVuttS4&feature=related - punching Morten Gamst Pederson

Tests ahead

A fabled batting line-up including Gambhir, Dravid and Tendulkar... is 138-8 at the end of day 2 in a warm-up match against Somerset at the flattest gorund in the country. This comes after the home side posted 425-3. So expect India to win the toss on Thursday and rack up 600 declared. And Tendulkar is poised on 99 international hundreds...

The bad news for England is that former coach Duncan Fletcher, who knows all about their players, is now coach of India. The good news is that he is planning to call up Geraint Jones and Ashley Giles to the squad, as neither have played international cricket for five years.

The week ahead

India 600-5 declared: Gambhir - 175, Dhoni - 110, Tendulkar - 99 (run out Gary Pratt)

Arsenal beat the Malaysian government u-15 reserves 5-0, followed by Arsene Wenger declaring his team are more mature and are ready to win the Premier League. After the match, Wenger signs one of the opposition players and uses him to silence his critics who say he doesn't spend enough money.

Liverpool sign Nigel Reo-Coker, Gareth Barry and Shaun Wright-Phillips

Quotes of the week

Arsene Wenger: "I would like to welcome Weira Gun Na Loose to the football club. I feel we are finally showing our strength in the transfer market."

Roberto Mancini: "I was absolutely not being disrespectful to Arsenal. All I said was I was looking forward to Nasri playing in a blue shirt next year. I was of course talking about the Arsenal away shirt. I think it looks good on him."

Harry Redknapp: "We will only sell Luka for a pack of fags and tin of magic beans."