Some big news for both the people who read this. Due to my now ridiculous schedule, there is a good chance I will have to either slow down the frequency of my blogs or (if things get really bad) stop it all together. Hopefully I won't have to do anything too drastic.
Of course, I will continue to post random stuff and there is always my Facebook status and Twitter account. But let's not have negative thoughts, here is this week's blog, delivered despite shocking internet connectivity during the week which has made it hard to keep up to date.
A bit Arsey
Arsene Wenger put he wanted '14 more years' with the Gunners as his Facebook status. This was liked by Wayne Rooney, Peter Crouch, Didier Drogba, Sir Alex Ferguson and 10 others.
Fenerbahce banning men
I'm sure you heard this story, but I thought I'd mention it anyway. Turkish team Fenerbahce did the unthinkable and banned all men from a match due to hooliganism, leaving just women and children. Calm down dears...
For Fifa's sake
Those who went to school with me may remember a story from a maths lesson where the guy I was sitting next to had messed up a question with a calculator and in his frustration had written Error 2 as his answer. But somehow, the teacher (who will remain nameless although it's not too hard to guess who it was) decided to give the answer as correct and I don't think it was even for his working.
The point of this story? Well England were fourth in the Fifa rankings last month despite not playing a match. And now they have beaten Bulgaria and Wales but somehow have gone down to eighth in the rankings. Maybe Sepp Blatter was in my maths class as well.
AVB needs to learn from OBE
This week marked the anniversary of Brian Clough's death and Facebook was awash with some great videos of him. In particular I enjoyed his interview with John Motson which saw a frank exchange between the two men about the BBC's coverage of Saturday football.
But what struck me most was how Clough would tell his team to never yell at referees or berate them for bad decisions. And last Sunday, Andre Villas-Boas, after losing to Manchester United, decided to blame the linesman for not giving Chris Smalling and Nani offside before their goals. Yes, they were bad decisions, but why was there nobody near Smalling? And why did nobody close down Nani? And what about when Torres missed an open goal?
More importantly, Forest need their own Clough now. After spending Saturday out I rushed back from the train station to see that Forest were winning at Watford, but after watching the highlights I began to wonder how. The match was so bad that when Match of the Day finished later in the evening we had to turn the TV off before they showed the match on the Football League show.
My favourite moment was McClaren's interview after the match where he said at half-time he had told his team that if they got a chance they had to take it because they probably wouldn't get another one. Get the man a brolly!
You're Gowen nowhere
30 April 2011 - "I suppose I am dreaming of coming off the bench and scoring the stoppage-time winner in the Champions League final.
"That is the motivation that drives me on. Every day I have to be ready and prepared to come in and do something."
That was Michael Owen and to his credit he did score another goal. In case you forgot it was against Blackpool on the final day of the season when they were already Champions and the match was as good as won.
But now that he's scored two goals against Leeds and come on for Javier Hernandez against Stoke he hopes to break into the England squad. Now I like Owen and would like to see him back with the national side, but we know in two weeks time when Rooney, Hernandez and Welbeck are all fit he's going to be warming the bench again.
Milan madness
Gian Piero Gasperini was sacked as Inter manager after five months and replaced by Claudio Ranieri. I suppose it makes Rafa Benitez's time as manager in Milan look pretty decent now.
McIlroy roaring down the Tiger
In a headline on BBC Sport this week Rory McIlroy said Tiger Woods was past his peak. There's going to be a lot of unhappy women in Florida now.
5 Rugby players you would not want to take on in a fight
Right, a bit of background information to this. Fraser Kesteven was meant to do a top 10 with a bit of information on each one, but because he's busy spending all his time losing at Fifa, eating and giving rubbish banter this is all he could be bothered to do. I'm sorry for this pile of wank, but I suppose it's better than nothing.
1. Bakkies Botha
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aO12nItzYdw
2. Sebastian Chabal
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m-J3JfNtjHw
3. Courtney Lawes
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mAB9jlyE7Q4
4. Ma’a Nonu
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ULLlAkSChK4&feature=related
5. Henry Tuilagi
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hXGfHyZJTzE
Speaking of Fifa, it's been a good first week back in Birmingham with the Xbox 360. As expected I have been winning all my matches due to my experience at the world's greatest game, but even I didn't expect to beat Fraser 12-0 with Forest against Chelsea.
But by far the best idea was making it a house rule that if Emile Heskey or Dele Adebola scores a winning or equalising goal in the 85/115th minute onwards or a winning penalty then it is compulsory for everybody in the room (except the person who conceded) to run outside in celebration. So now you know if you come over.
I can tell you now, it is nerve wracking stuff when you do Forest v. Villa and it's 2-2 going into the final minute, but of course big Dele delivered, cue mad scenes in our garden. Then the following night, it was 2-2 again with Emile on a hat-trick and through on goal but fortunately Lee Camp saved my blushes. Then, as is standard, Dele scored another late winner. And despite the fact I was wearing smart clothes it was back into the garden again. There was still time for the big man to seal the hat-trick. Unbelievable tekkers!
Flop(ianski) of the week
Can we really have Fernando Torres two weeks in a row? This despite scoring both times? I may be wrong but I can't think of anything worse than his red card although I'm sure there is. With great timing, Didier Drogba made his return from injury and scored and now has three games to cement his place again in the starting line-up. No wonder he looked happy.
Hall of Lame
If you thought Fernando Torres deserved a red card then you should see this. I know I've posted it before, but still.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UZM8HPOGbv8
Weekly contest: Tipster v. Tramp
With the Selly Oak Tramp 5-3 up, we look at last week's predictions to see if the Tipster, who was less than a minute away from winning an accumulator, can catch up.
Last week's predictions
Who will be top scorer for England in Friday's T20 match v. West Indies
Tipster: Bairstow
Tramp: Kieswetter
Result: Hales
And the one we all want to know...
How many goals will Chelsea score against Swansea?
Tipster: 3
Tramp: 2
Result: 4
Ooh so close for both this week but the scores stay the same. Will they fare better this week I wonder?
How many points will be scored in the England v. Scotland match?
Tipster: 42
Tramp: 36
And the one we all want to know...
What will be the score in the Tottenham v. Arsenal match?
Tipster: 2-2
Tramp: 3-3 Tottenham
The week ahead
I'm going for some late drama here: Spurs late winner, England late winner, Liverpool late winner against Everton. Manchester United... 4-0 against Norwich.
Richard Dunne to score an own goal for Wigan.
Michael Owen to score against Basel then put in a come and get me plea to Barcelona.
Quotes of the week
Fraser Kesteven (on Friday): "Don't worry Joel, I will write the list tonight."
Michael Owen: "I can't see how the gaffer can bring Wayne back in now."
Fraser Kesteven (on Saturday): "Don't worry Joel, I will get it done."
Steve McClaren: "I told the team we need to keep a clean sheet because we aren't good enough to score."
Fraser Kesteven (on Sunday): "Yeah, I'm not going to do it."
Joel Lamy (on Sunday): Expletives deleted
Sunday, 25 September 2011
Sunday, 18 September 2011
Don't mention the Derby
It's been another dramatic week from all sports, but unfortunately I have had to miss out on commenting on the Davis Cup, County Championship and Seve Trophy as much as I would have liked to. Instead, there are other, smaller, stories which I have concentrated on that may have skipped your attention. Watch out for a video which I guarentee will you have you laughing out loud. Lol was made for this video.
Asamoah Gyan - consumate politician
"I'm really happy to be here. Al-Ain is an important club and this is a big challenge for me. There will be a lot of expectations on me, but not pressure.
"Everybody who has seen me in the World Cup and at Sunderland knows what I am capable of, but this is a new challenge for me as I'm a new player here.
"We have quality players in the club to win games and do well in the championships. We will try to build a winning team."
With bollocks like this maybe Gyan should follow fellow African George Weah into politics. After all, he is clearly a brilliant liar. Going to the UAE is not a challenge it's a way of life.
Sion want to arrest Platini
After being kicked out of the Europa League for fielding players who were not registed in a match against Celtic, Sion, instead of showing their gratitude for getting their Thursday nights back, decided to hit back at Uefa despite being warned beforehand what would happen. My favourite line was when it was suggested that Uefa President Michel Platini should be arrested. As impossible as that would be, they should be promised a spot in the Champions League if they were to pull it off. I mean, it's not as if Frenchman Platini would put up much resistance is there?
Be careful what you wish for Fernando
It's funny, before the Man U v. Chelsea match I had my bit for Fernando Torres written and ready. And then he scored, so in my mind I was thinking about changing it to something else. And then, he produced some nice skill to take the ball around David de Gea and I was preparing to scrap everything I had written about him. And then... well it can happen to the best of us (or even me). So after all that, I have kept exactly what I wrote about Torres from the start which is starting to look quite insightful right now, much more so than Gary Neville who said Stoke were great at defending (then conceded four against Sunderland of all teams) and said Nicolas Anelka would definitely start.
"When I changed club, I knew it was going to be a slow process, although I didn't expect it to be so long.
"Chelsea is, between the English teams, maybe the least English. That's because of the kind of player Chelsea has – an older player, who plays very slow, who has a lot of possession, and that's what the club is trying to change now.
"It's normal that it takes some time; it's not easy to find midfielders because the best are already in the best teams and that's why I said that the arrival of [Juan ] Mata is going to give another pace to the team.
"Daniel Sturridge, who has been ruled out for some matches, is also an incredible player, maybe the one that surprised me the most since I came here."
So Torres wants Mata and Sturridge to play in the Chelsea team. I assume in another week Didier Drogba will come straight back into the team as well and let's not forget Florent Malouda, Nicolas Anelka and Romelu Lukaku as well. So, where does that leave you in the team Fernando?
Chelsea rip-off
Bayer Leverkusen gave their fans a €20 discount for their match against Chelsea because their tickets were took expensive. Says it all really. Then again, Forest charged £33 for the Derby match. No wonder the fans aren't happy.
Italian Soccer Saturday
You think Phil Thompson is biased? Well you might want to think again after you watch this. Never have two goals been celebrated in such ridiculous fashion. I reckon if AC win the Champions League this guy will have a heart attack.
http://www.whoateallthepies.tv/champions_league/87176/tiziano-crudelis-heart-almost-explodes-watching-milan-vs-barcelona-video.html - funniest thing in the history of everything
Also, once I'd got back on Saturday I tuned in for the second half of Soccer Saturday with Jeff and the lads. As if I needed reminding about how brilliant the show is, Paul Merson was teased by Jeff for believing Stracqualursi had come on, but he couldn't pronounce his name. "He's got to have a nickname," bemoaned Merse. In fact, it was Valios who had come on.
Then, when Everton scored their second goal, he said the guy whose name he couldn't pronounce had scored. Then after describing the goal in detail he added, "Oh wait, it's Valios who scored." Cue widespread laughter in the studio. This was followed quickly after by a Wigan attack... "He's hit the beans on toast, I mean the crossbar. Come back to me in an hour."
Jeff then went to Chris Kamara. "Unbelievable Jeff," Kammy started. For those who were doing the drinking game, I hope you have now recovered. For me, it made Forest's defeat a bit easier to swallow.
A winner of a spinner just next door
England v. India:
Amit Mishra - 3 wickets at an average of 106.66
Harbhajan Singh - 2 wickets at an average of 143.5
Meanwhile, at Surrey, in four matches at the back-end of the season Pragyan Ohja took 24 wickets at an average of 12.95 as the Lions got promoted.
Nice to see the selectors are doing a good job. And India, thanks for coming.
Pink with envy
September 9 (three days before the match against Glamorgan): Kent director of cricket Paul Farbrace - "When Twenty20 started people said 'it's all a load of rubbish' and 'it's just pub cricket played by professionals'. Now it's the life blood of cricket and it's played all over the world.
"If in 10 years' time there is floodlit cricket played over four or five days and far more people are watching the game, we can look back and say we played a major part of that at Kent Cricket Club."
September 16 (1 day after losing by 8 wickets): Geraint Jones - "In terms of us playing county cricket with a pink ball, not in my lifetime I don't think.
"The balls made it a one-sided contest, heavily in favour of the batsmen.
"You couldn't play all year with a pink ball like that. It'd be the end of so many bowlers."
Farbace: "Let's go back to the red ball and white ball. I don't like it.
"The ball is the most important thing in cricket but it wasn't right. I'm not a fan of pink ball cricket."
I'm sure it had nothing to do with the fact that they had lost the match. And as for the ball favouring batsman, how come Kent managed to lose 20 wickets if it was going to 'be the end of so many bowlers'?
Messi fantasy football
After watching Barcelona's 8-0 victory over Osasuna it made me think. How much would Lionel Messi cost on a La Liga fantasy football? Would you even be able to afford another player?
Rug of war
We are already two weeks through the World Cup, no side has played well (except Ireland) and we still have another fortnight until the group stages are over. Let's hope things pick up a bit in the near future.
In other news, the team I have decided to lend my support to, Tonga, lost 25-20 to Canada. Just as long as they beat France.
Flop(ianski) of the week
An impossible decision between Forest and Torres. I suppose anyone can do a Torres, but to be a goal up and a man up after five minutes and still lose to your biggest rivals at home takes some beating.
Also, Somerset deserve a mention for being runners-up in five competitions over the last season, winning none.
As for Arsenal's defending, I'm fed up of slagging them off. Their fans are suffering enough and I count myself as someone who wants to see them do well.
Hall of Lame
I suppose the last time I was this embarrassed by Forest was the infamous Barry Roche coffee cup incident. For those who are unaware http://www.bbc.co.uk/derby/rams/2004/forest/coffee_cup.shtml
Weekly contest: Tipster v. Tramp
Here are all the predictions which were still ongoing last week:
Who will win the US Open?
Tipster: Nadal
Tramp: Djokovic
Result: Djokovic
How many sets will Novak Djokovic lose in the entire two weeks at Flushing Meadows?
Tipster: 8
Tramp: 5
Result: 4
And the one we all want to know...
What will be the result of the Forest v. Derby match?
Tipster: 3-2 Derby
Tramp: 2-1 Forest
Result: 2-1 Derby
Which means, after dominating the tennis predictions the Tramp adds another two points to his/her/its total, but a good football prediction from the Tipster means the score is tighter than it could have been. At the moment, the Tramp leads 5-3, with two rugby predictions ongoing. It's early doors, but the Tipster is being made to look foolish already.
This week's predictions
Who will be top scorer for England in Friday's T20 match v. West Indies
Tipster: Bairstow
Tramp: Kieswetter
And the one we all want to know...
How many goals will Chelsea score against Swansea?
Tipster: 3
Tramp: 2
The week ahead
More controversy in New Zealand where the England rugby team are seen playing ten-pin bowling with dwarves being used as bowling balls. Mike Tindall is then caught in bed with Imogen Thomas.
Kenny Dalglish, Sir Alex Ferguson and Jose Mourinho start their own campaign to investigate supposed conspiracy theories to stop them from winning matches.
Forest go into half-time of their match against Newcastle on Tuesday 3-0 up with their opponents down to 8 men. And the full-time result is... Forest 4-1 Newcastle. Ok, even they aren't bad enough to lose from there.
Quotes of the week
Cristiano Ronaldo - "I think that because I am rich, handsome and a great player people are envious of me." Tell me about it mate.
Arsene Wenger - "We conceded four fewer goals than our last away match in the league. That must be seen as an improvement." Ok, I couldn't resist one dig.
Harry Redknapp - "Absolutely t'riffic. Scotty Parker is the new Zidane and Luka should be playing for Barcelona."
And on that bombshell...
http://t.co/aMrOEUTo - Great quote at the end, but not from Mayweather.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KLebOIDBGeA - Quality disallowed goal
http://t.co/whFD6YZS - Divine intervention? Umm no
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/cricket/14895636.stm - the new Geoffrey Boycott?
Asamoah Gyan - consumate politician
"I'm really happy to be here. Al-Ain is an important club and this is a big challenge for me. There will be a lot of expectations on me, but not pressure.
"Everybody who has seen me in the World Cup and at Sunderland knows what I am capable of, but this is a new challenge for me as I'm a new player here.
"We have quality players in the club to win games and do well in the championships. We will try to build a winning team."
With bollocks like this maybe Gyan should follow fellow African George Weah into politics. After all, he is clearly a brilliant liar. Going to the UAE is not a challenge it's a way of life.
Sion want to arrest Platini
After being kicked out of the Europa League for fielding players who were not registed in a match against Celtic, Sion, instead of showing their gratitude for getting their Thursday nights back, decided to hit back at Uefa despite being warned beforehand what would happen. My favourite line was when it was suggested that Uefa President Michel Platini should be arrested. As impossible as that would be, they should be promised a spot in the Champions League if they were to pull it off. I mean, it's not as if Frenchman Platini would put up much resistance is there?
Be careful what you wish for Fernando
It's funny, before the Man U v. Chelsea match I had my bit for Fernando Torres written and ready. And then he scored, so in my mind I was thinking about changing it to something else. And then, he produced some nice skill to take the ball around David de Gea and I was preparing to scrap everything I had written about him. And then... well it can happen to the best of us (or even me). So after all that, I have kept exactly what I wrote about Torres from the start which is starting to look quite insightful right now, much more so than Gary Neville who said Stoke were great at defending (then conceded four against Sunderland of all teams) and said Nicolas Anelka would definitely start.
"When I changed club, I knew it was going to be a slow process, although I didn't expect it to be so long.
"Chelsea is, between the English teams, maybe the least English. That's because of the kind of player Chelsea has – an older player, who plays very slow, who has a lot of possession, and that's what the club is trying to change now.
"It's normal that it takes some time; it's not easy to find midfielders because the best are already in the best teams and that's why I said that the arrival of [Juan ] Mata is going to give another pace to the team.
"Daniel Sturridge, who has been ruled out for some matches, is also an incredible player, maybe the one that surprised me the most since I came here."
So Torres wants Mata and Sturridge to play in the Chelsea team. I assume in another week Didier Drogba will come straight back into the team as well and let's not forget Florent Malouda, Nicolas Anelka and Romelu Lukaku as well. So, where does that leave you in the team Fernando?
Chelsea rip-off
Bayer Leverkusen gave their fans a €20 discount for their match against Chelsea because their tickets were took expensive. Says it all really. Then again, Forest charged £33 for the Derby match. No wonder the fans aren't happy.
Italian Soccer Saturday
You think Phil Thompson is biased? Well you might want to think again after you watch this. Never have two goals been celebrated in such ridiculous fashion. I reckon if AC win the Champions League this guy will have a heart attack.
http://www.whoateallthepies.tv/champions_league/87176/tiziano-crudelis-heart-almost-explodes-watching-milan-vs-barcelona-video.html - funniest thing in the history of everything
Also, once I'd got back on Saturday I tuned in for the second half of Soccer Saturday with Jeff and the lads. As if I needed reminding about how brilliant the show is, Paul Merson was teased by Jeff for believing Stracqualursi had come on, but he couldn't pronounce his name. "He's got to have a nickname," bemoaned Merse. In fact, it was Valios who had come on.
Then, when Everton scored their second goal, he said the guy whose name he couldn't pronounce had scored. Then after describing the goal in detail he added, "Oh wait, it's Valios who scored." Cue widespread laughter in the studio. This was followed quickly after by a Wigan attack... "He's hit the beans on toast, I mean the crossbar. Come back to me in an hour."
Jeff then went to Chris Kamara. "Unbelievable Jeff," Kammy started. For those who were doing the drinking game, I hope you have now recovered. For me, it made Forest's defeat a bit easier to swallow.
A winner of a spinner just next door
England v. India:
Amit Mishra - 3 wickets at an average of 106.66
Harbhajan Singh - 2 wickets at an average of 143.5
Meanwhile, at Surrey, in four matches at the back-end of the season Pragyan Ohja took 24 wickets at an average of 12.95 as the Lions got promoted.
Nice to see the selectors are doing a good job. And India, thanks for coming.
Pink with envy
September 9 (three days before the match against Glamorgan): Kent director of cricket Paul Farbrace - "When Twenty20 started people said 'it's all a load of rubbish' and 'it's just pub cricket played by professionals'. Now it's the life blood of cricket and it's played all over the world.
"If in 10 years' time there is floodlit cricket played over four or five days and far more people are watching the game, we can look back and say we played a major part of that at Kent Cricket Club."
September 16 (1 day after losing by 8 wickets): Geraint Jones - "In terms of us playing county cricket with a pink ball, not in my lifetime I don't think.
"The balls made it a one-sided contest, heavily in favour of the batsmen.
"You couldn't play all year with a pink ball like that. It'd be the end of so many bowlers."
Farbace: "Let's go back to the red ball and white ball. I don't like it.
I'm sure it had nothing to do with the fact that they had lost the match. And as for the ball favouring batsman, how come Kent managed to lose 20 wickets if it was going to 'be the end of so many bowlers'?
Messi fantasy football
After watching Barcelona's 8-0 victory over Osasuna it made me think. How much would Lionel Messi cost on a La Liga fantasy football? Would you even be able to afford another player?
Rug of war
We are already two weeks through the World Cup, no side has played well (except Ireland) and we still have another fortnight until the group stages are over. Let's hope things pick up a bit in the near future.
In other news, the team I have decided to lend my support to, Tonga, lost 25-20 to Canada. Just as long as they beat France.
Flop(ianski) of the week
An impossible decision between Forest and Torres. I suppose anyone can do a Torres, but to be a goal up and a man up after five minutes and still lose to your biggest rivals at home takes some beating.
Also, Somerset deserve a mention for being runners-up in five competitions over the last season, winning none.
As for Arsenal's defending, I'm fed up of slagging them off. Their fans are suffering enough and I count myself as someone who wants to see them do well.
Hall of Lame
I suppose the last time I was this embarrassed by Forest was the infamous Barry Roche coffee cup incident. For those who are unaware http://www.bbc.co.uk/derby/rams/2004/forest/coffee_cup.shtml
Weekly contest: Tipster v. Tramp
Here are all the predictions which were still ongoing last week:
Who will win the US Open?
Tipster: Nadal
Tramp: Djokovic
Result: Djokovic
How many sets will Novak Djokovic lose in the entire two weeks at Flushing Meadows?
Tipster: 8
Tramp: 5
Result: 4
And the one we all want to know...
What will be the result of the Forest v. Derby match?
Tipster: 3-2 Derby
Tramp: 2-1 Forest
Result: 2-1 Derby
Which means, after dominating the tennis predictions the Tramp adds another two points to his/her/its total, but a good football prediction from the Tipster means the score is tighter than it could have been. At the moment, the Tramp leads 5-3, with two rugby predictions ongoing. It's early doors, but the Tipster is being made to look foolish already.
This week's predictions
Who will be top scorer for England in Friday's T20 match v. West Indies
Tipster: Bairstow
Tramp: Kieswetter
And the one we all want to know...
How many goals will Chelsea score against Swansea?
Tipster: 3
Tramp: 2
The week ahead
More controversy in New Zealand where the England rugby team are seen playing ten-pin bowling with dwarves being used as bowling balls. Mike Tindall is then caught in bed with Imogen Thomas.
Kenny Dalglish, Sir Alex Ferguson and Jose Mourinho start their own campaign to investigate supposed conspiracy theories to stop them from winning matches.
Forest go into half-time of their match against Newcastle on Tuesday 3-0 up with their opponents down to 8 men. And the full-time result is... Forest 4-1 Newcastle. Ok, even they aren't bad enough to lose from there.
Quotes of the week
Cristiano Ronaldo - "I think that because I am rich, handsome and a great player people are envious of me." Tell me about it mate.
Arsene Wenger - "We conceded four fewer goals than our last away match in the league. That must be seen as an improvement." Ok, I couldn't resist one dig.
Harry Redknapp - "Absolutely t'riffic. Scotty Parker is the new Zidane and Luka should be playing for Barcelona."
And on that bombshell...
http://t.co/aMrOEUTo - Great quote at the end, but not from Mayweather.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KLebOIDBGeA - Quality disallowed goal
http://t.co/whFD6YZS - Divine intervention? Umm no
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/cricket/14895636.stm - the new Geoffrey Boycott?
Sunday, 11 September 2011
Transfer window winners and losers
After a two week hiatus I have returned with all the promise and hype of Kevin Keegan managing Newcastle or Alan Shearer managing Newcastle or Sir Bobby Robson (RIP) managing Newcastle or Joe Kinnear umm maybe not. However, unlike some of those listed, I hope I have managed to live up to all expectations with my effort this week. Like a certain Mario Balotelli did...
Transfer deadline day round-upUnfortunately I was on holiday during the last week so I came back only to realise that virtually every team seemed to have changed remarkably from when I had left. Except Forest that is. Here is my round-up of the transfer window:
The bolting the barn door award for doing business when it was too late goes to... Arsenal
The it's Christmas Eve and I've not got any gifts award for making a late dash to sign a host of players goes to... QPR
The smug bastard award for conducting all their transfer business early before enjoying watching the others scramble at the last minute goes to... Manchester United
The every Derby County fan is a sheepshagger award for playing up to their stereotype is... Stoke City (after signing Peter Crouch)
The it's blatantly obvious that I want to be manager of Manchester United award goes to... Steve Bruce
The get rich or die trying award (sponsored by 50 Cent) goes to... Leicester City
The Aloe Blacc award for desperately needing a dollar goes to... Everton
The Tottenham Hotspur feeder club award goes to... Stoke City (followed by Aston Villa)
The Arsenal feeder club award goes to... Tottenham Hotspur
The I told you so award goes to... Emmanuel Adebayor, who didn't go to Real Madrid, as I went on about earlier on in the year
The Peter Moores and Kevin Pietersen award for a partnership which is not going to end well goes to... Joey Barton and Neil Warnock - or at least, I hope that's the case
The RBS award for taking the money then not giving it back goes to... Mike Ashley
The Colonel Gaddafi award for being the most wanted man alive goes to... Peter Crouch as agents fight over to get the 10% he pays them following his move to a different club every year
What will really happen between now and Euro 2012It wasn't inspiring, but England, somehow, are only one point away from making Euro 2012 thanks to Rob Earnshaw's miss.
Assuming (should never use that word), that England do qualify, we will once again be on the verge of another tournament where everyone says we have a chance of winning it if Lampard and Gerrard learn to play together, Terry doesn't shag Rooney's wife and Capello is swapped for Sven.
But what will really happen between now and the start of the tournament? Let me look into my crystal ball.
England are 1-0 down in Montenegro, but Lampard hits a shot through the side netting which ends up in the goal. The Italian referee, Stuenzo Attwellio, says it was legitimate and England hang on to qualify.
Friendlies against Holland and Spain are lined up. Against the Dutch, England lose 2-0 with 9 men after having five people stretchered off from challenges by Nigel de Jong.
Against Spain, they are two-nil up courtesy of Young and Walcott, but Fernando Torres scores twice and Lionel Messi, who has defected because he wasn't being appreciated in Argentina, hits the winner.
2012:
Theo Walcott, writing in his second autobiography, Hitting Puberty, says how angry he is not to be considered as a striker any more and eventually retires from international football with what is probably the most number of England caps without ever being to a tournament.
Andy Carroll is put in hospital due to drinking excessive alcohol. His manager, Kenny Dalglish, still maintains that he doesn't have a drinking problem. In his place, Capello calls up Heskey with no other options available as all other strikers have retired from international football. After bundling in the winner in a friendly against Andorra, it is impossible to leave him out again.
Capello brings in David Beckham as his translator. During a training session Beckham impresses Capello so much that he is now irreplacable in the squad.
Beckham breaks a metatarsal playing for QPR (who he joined after his former club, Leicester City, went bust). The country holds it's breath as Beckham tries to desperately regain fitness in time for the start of the tournament.
John Terry shags Gareth Barry's wife so he pulls out of the squad. Terry becomes a national hero.
It is then discovered that Terry is actually the father of Beckham's daughter, Harper Seven. At once, he is dropped as captain and replaced by Beckham.
Joey Barton makes fun of Wayne Rooney's new mullet hairstyle and the pair end up getting in a fight on the streets. Result? Rooney is to be in prison during the tournament for GBH.
In a surprise move, Rooney is given early release after one week, just before Capello names his squad for the tournament. He is part of the 23 man squad alongside Barton (plus a couple of other surprises)
First match of the tournament...
Starting XI: Hart; Smalling, Terry, Campbell, Bridge; Beckham, Lampard, Barton, Gerrard; Rooney, Heskey
What happens from then on is anybody's guess.
But speaking of early international retirements:
Lampard - "One thing I do know is that, while I can give everything, I will give everything. And the only time I would probably not play for England is when the manager doesn't want pick me any more - which can happen - or whether I find it a lot more beneficial for me in terms of my long-term career that I don't want to play, and I'm certainly not near that."
So basically, if he's not in the starting eleven, he will be willing to quit to prolong his time at Chelsea. Or am I mis-understanding him?
Fifa farce
There was a fight in the Spain v. Chile match which the World Champions won 3-2 after a controversial stoppage time penalty. All this was on Fifa's Fair Play day. I suppose that's how serious we all take Fifa these days.
Sunderland are Gyan doing the table
It's the news all football fans fear. You're star striker fleeing to the UAE for more money, only to be replaced up front by... Nicklas Bendtner.
Strictly knock-out
As somebody who isn't a great fan of dancing, unless I'm throwing some shapes Inbetweeners' style (yes I know I look like one of them, as some random guy told me in town on Thursday), the only reason to see who is in the new series of Strictly Come Dancing is to see which sportsmen will be taking part. And, let's be honest, to see who all the guys will be perving over, which on this occasion will be Holly Valance.
So it was to my disappointment that I saw Robbie Savage and Audley Harrison were the ones who had chosen to take part. So we have the guy everybody hates v. the guy everyone laughs at. But which is which?
More importantly, who would win in a fight?
Judging by this video, Savage clearly hasn't got much of a chin and when he wants to, Audley can seriously hurt his opponents. Verdict: After 3 rounds of gentle sparring, it's an Audley win by knockout.
And as for the dancing? I think I'm backing Savage on that one.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QbCuYuYlozA
Mario land
I know you've probably heard about these already, but if you haven't, well that's what I'm here for. Thank you Mario for being a hero.
http://www.metro.co.uk/sport/oddballs/865448-mario-balotelli-named-in-police-report-involving-mafia-tours-of-napoli
http://www.metro.co.uk/sport/oddballs/874501-mario-balotelli-busted-fiddling-with-ipad-while-on-italy-substitutes-bench
Flop of the week
In my only reference to the athletics which I missed most of (not really my thing), I should mention the 4x100m sprint team who once again dropped a clanger, or maybe that's just the sound the baton makes it when it hits the floor.
But something even more embarrassing happened this week...
He was good for Forest, but what happened to goal machine Rob Earnshaw? The slayer of Derby, Leicester and other teams nobody cares about couldn't even tap in from five yards.
He joins a long list of people who have suffered similar fates...
Hall of Lame
Including... Chris Iwelumo. Here we have another Championship striker missing a sitter on International duty.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RqkShPKgAbw
Bring back Dele
Another disappointing defeat for Forest with another set-piece goal conceded. I think we are missing a bit of a presence in the side. Now, who could we bring in that is big, strong and good at heading?
Lawrie goes all Hollywood
2007 - Lawrie Sanchez left Northern Ireland to go and manage Fulham. Fair enough, you say, it's hard to turn down a decent Premier League side.
2009 - "The fact that I left Northern Ireland at the time that I did is the one major regret of my managerial career."
"I loved my time with Northern Ireland and I'd like to finish off what I started."
2011- "Nigel (Worthington) has had enough cracks at it. Everybody sees the writing is on the wall.
"He is not doing an exceptional job. It's not happening.
"It has got worse rather than better. Everybody realises it is time for a change."
Sanchez said he would consider managing Northern Ireland again should the Irish Football Association decide to sack Worthington.
"I have always said I would like to finish what I started," he told Radio Ulster. "I would like the opportunity. I would like to return to Northern Ireland in the future."
Right, you leave your country to manage Fulham then things go badly there and you get sacked. So then, you wait until Northern Ireland start losing and keep saying you should be put back in charge.
I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that he is now manager of League Two Barnet (no disrespect). But there is something ominous at the way he keeps talking about finishing what he started. It's not like the Northern Ireland team has changed in the last four years or anything...
Unbelievable Jeff!
Having completed Jeff Stelling's book, Jellyman's Thrown a Wobbly, on holiday, I thought I should write a quick review. And when I say review, I mean say what a fine piece of work it is.
If you enjoy watch Soccer Saturday, whether every week or on the odd occasion, then this is certainly a book you should read. It contains lots of great insight into the life of Jeff, including his quotes, his drinking game, his journey into broadcasting and his relationship with the pundits on the show.
But more than that, it really highlights how a show, which is, in Jeff's words, you (the viewer) watching four guys watch football, has earned cult status amongst football fans.
I really enjoyed the book and am sure that it will be revisited some time in the future when in need of a light read and a good laugh.
Rugby World Cup
It's that time every four years where I try and pretend that I know something about rugby, which I clearly don't. My last taste of rugby must have been in Year 8 when we were so bad that we rarely evolved to anything past touch rugby, although it provided one brilliant moment when one player started celebrating a try before putting the ball down, only to see himself aggresively "tackled" by an opponent, thus robbing him of his glory. Great times.
So far I have not been able to watch any of the tournament so I was fortunate to miss England's uninspiring win against Argentina.
It's amazing that during the football equivalent last summer I was rooting for New Zealand to win and now 14 months on, I just want to see them choke and lose. Admittedly, I still want the French to lose badly, really, really badly.
The best thing about these tournaments is picking a minnow side who you want to do well. Out of all the teams I can see, I am going to root for Tonga for the simple reason that I want them to beat France.
For those who will be getting up early to watch the matches, good luck. Here's hoping you are rewarded more than in the football last year, which was about as inspiring as an Avram Grant team-talk.
Flushing hell
America, we are often told, is the richest country on earth, a superpower unmatched by all others. But clearly, nobody told the organisers at the US Open who let the courts get flooded by rain because they don't have any covers, then get staff to go around with cloths trying to mop it up. I suppose this is what you would expect of tennis tournaments... when Fred Perry was playing.
And if that wasn't enough, in a desperation to get the players back on of the courts, they tried to cover up a crack in the surface which was leaking water with some tape. Sadly enough, Flushing Meadows is run more like a student household than a Grand Slam.
On the court, we saw Andy Murray celebrate after coming through two matches in two days only to face Rafa Nadal. I always find it strange how much Murray seems to enjoy beating the lesser lights because he knows what's going to happen in the semi final.
Watching him shout at himself after every bad shot becomes a bit annoying after a while. But I feel sorry for the poor ball boys who have to hand him his towel while he tells them what a rubbish return he just hit. I'm just waiting for one of them to tell him, "yeah, that was crap mate." Maybe that would quieten Murray up.
As for Djokovic... this is becoming ridiculous. Stop it.
Pipe down Pakistan
A New Zealand beer advert from former cricket Daryl Tuffey has annoyed Pakistan for referring to the match fixing scandal. All I can say is I hope it has. Why are we playing them again so soon I have no idea, but I hope we whitewash them in all forms of the game this winter.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/cricket/14788041.stm
Weekly predictions: Tipster v. the Selly Oak Tramp
Last predictions before the break...
Who will win the US Open?
Tipster: Nadal
Tramp: Djokovic
Result: Both are in the final
First goal-scorer in Manchester United v. Arsenal match?
Tipster: Van Persie
Tramp: Nani
Result: Welbeck
How many sets will Novak Djokovic lose in the entire two weeks at Flushing Meadows?
Tipster: 8
Tramp: 5
Result: Currently 3
The two tennis predictions will go on to next week. At the moment it is Tramp 3-2 Tipster
This week's predictions
Who will win the Rugby World Cup?
Tipster: New Zealand
Tramp: New Zealand
How well will England do in the tournament?
Tipster: 3rd
Tramp: 4th
And the one we all want to know...
What will be the result of the Forest v. Derby match?
Tipster: 3-2 Derby
Tramp: 2-1 Forest
http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/video/2011/sep/07/al-ahly-amir-sayoud-misses-penalty-video?CMP=twt_gu
http://www.people.co.uk/news/uk-world-news/2011/09/04/newcastle-united-owner-mike-ashley-s-full-monty-strip-in-a-chinese-restaurant-102039-23394181/ - The pride of Newcastle
http://www.rafabenitez.com/web/index.php?idioma=in - the best thing on the internet. Fact.And on that bombshell...
http://twitpic.com/6i1spv - This sums up why I love Iniesta. Would you see Cashley and Terry doing this?
Transfer deadline day round-upUnfortunately I was on holiday during the last week so I came back only to realise that virtually every team seemed to have changed remarkably from when I had left. Except Forest that is. Here is my round-up of the transfer window:
The bolting the barn door award for doing business when it was too late goes to... Arsenal
The it's Christmas Eve and I've not got any gifts award for making a late dash to sign a host of players goes to... QPR
The smug bastard award for conducting all their transfer business early before enjoying watching the others scramble at the last minute goes to... Manchester United
The every Derby County fan is a sheepshagger award for playing up to their stereotype is... Stoke City (after signing Peter Crouch)
The it's blatantly obvious that I want to be manager of Manchester United award goes to... Steve Bruce
The get rich or die trying award (sponsored by 50 Cent) goes to... Leicester City
The Aloe Blacc award for desperately needing a dollar goes to... Everton
The Tottenham Hotspur feeder club award goes to... Stoke City (followed by Aston Villa)
The Arsenal feeder club award goes to... Tottenham Hotspur
The I told you so award goes to... Emmanuel Adebayor, who didn't go to Real Madrid, as I went on about earlier on in the year
The Peter Moores and Kevin Pietersen award for a partnership which is not going to end well goes to... Joey Barton and Neil Warnock - or at least, I hope that's the case
The RBS award for taking the money then not giving it back goes to... Mike Ashley
The Colonel Gaddafi award for being the most wanted man alive goes to... Peter Crouch as agents fight over to get the 10% he pays them following his move to a different club every year
What will really happen between now and Euro 2012It wasn't inspiring, but England, somehow, are only one point away from making Euro 2012 thanks to Rob Earnshaw's miss.
Assuming (should never use that word), that England do qualify, we will once again be on the verge of another tournament where everyone says we have a chance of winning it if Lampard and Gerrard learn to play together, Terry doesn't shag Rooney's wife and Capello is swapped for Sven.
But what will really happen between now and the start of the tournament? Let me look into my crystal ball.
England are 1-0 down in Montenegro, but Lampard hits a shot through the side netting which ends up in the goal. The Italian referee, Stuenzo Attwellio, says it was legitimate and England hang on to qualify.
Friendlies against Holland and Spain are lined up. Against the Dutch, England lose 2-0 with 9 men after having five people stretchered off from challenges by Nigel de Jong.
Against Spain, they are two-nil up courtesy of Young and Walcott, but Fernando Torres scores twice and Lionel Messi, who has defected because he wasn't being appreciated in Argentina, hits the winner.
2012:
Theo Walcott, writing in his second autobiography, Hitting Puberty, says how angry he is not to be considered as a striker any more and eventually retires from international football with what is probably the most number of England caps without ever being to a tournament.
Andy Carroll is put in hospital due to drinking excessive alcohol. His manager, Kenny Dalglish, still maintains that he doesn't have a drinking problem. In his place, Capello calls up Heskey with no other options available as all other strikers have retired from international football. After bundling in the winner in a friendly against Andorra, it is impossible to leave him out again.
Capello brings in David Beckham as his translator. During a training session Beckham impresses Capello so much that he is now irreplacable in the squad.
Beckham breaks a metatarsal playing for QPR (who he joined after his former club, Leicester City, went bust). The country holds it's breath as Beckham tries to desperately regain fitness in time for the start of the tournament.
John Terry shags Gareth Barry's wife so he pulls out of the squad. Terry becomes a national hero.
It is then discovered that Terry is actually the father of Beckham's daughter, Harper Seven. At once, he is dropped as captain and replaced by Beckham.
Joey Barton makes fun of Wayne Rooney's new mullet hairstyle and the pair end up getting in a fight on the streets. Result? Rooney is to be in prison during the tournament for GBH.
In a surprise move, Rooney is given early release after one week, just before Capello names his squad for the tournament. He is part of the 23 man squad alongside Barton (plus a couple of other surprises)
First match of the tournament...
Starting XI: Hart; Smalling, Terry, Campbell, Bridge; Beckham, Lampard, Barton, Gerrard; Rooney, Heskey
What happens from then on is anybody's guess.
But speaking of early international retirements:
Lampard - "One thing I do know is that, while I can give everything, I will give everything. And the only time I would probably not play for England is when the manager doesn't want pick me any more - which can happen - or whether I find it a lot more beneficial for me in terms of my long-term career that I don't want to play, and I'm certainly not near that."
So basically, if he's not in the starting eleven, he will be willing to quit to prolong his time at Chelsea. Or am I mis-understanding him?
Fifa farce
There was a fight in the Spain v. Chile match which the World Champions won 3-2 after a controversial stoppage time penalty. All this was on Fifa's Fair Play day. I suppose that's how serious we all take Fifa these days.
Sunderland are Gyan doing the table
It's the news all football fans fear. You're star striker fleeing to the UAE for more money, only to be replaced up front by... Nicklas Bendtner.
Strictly knock-out
As somebody who isn't a great fan of dancing, unless I'm throwing some shapes Inbetweeners' style (yes I know I look like one of them, as some random guy told me in town on Thursday), the only reason to see who is in the new series of Strictly Come Dancing is to see which sportsmen will be taking part. And, let's be honest, to see who all the guys will be perving over, which on this occasion will be Holly Valance.
So it was to my disappointment that I saw Robbie Savage and Audley Harrison were the ones who had chosen to take part. So we have the guy everybody hates v. the guy everyone laughs at. But which is which?
More importantly, who would win in a fight?
Judging by this video, Savage clearly hasn't got much of a chin and when he wants to, Audley can seriously hurt his opponents. Verdict: After 3 rounds of gentle sparring, it's an Audley win by knockout.
And as for the dancing? I think I'm backing Savage on that one.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QbCuYuYlozA
Mario land
I know you've probably heard about these already, but if you haven't, well that's what I'm here for. Thank you Mario for being a hero.
http://www.metro.co.uk/sport/oddballs/865448-mario-balotelli-named-in-police-report-involving-mafia-tours-of-napoli
http://www.metro.co.uk/sport/oddballs/874501-mario-balotelli-busted-fiddling-with-ipad-while-on-italy-substitutes-bench
Flop of the week
In my only reference to the athletics which I missed most of (not really my thing), I should mention the 4x100m sprint team who once again dropped a clanger, or maybe that's just the sound the baton makes it when it hits the floor.
But something even more embarrassing happened this week...
He was good for Forest, but what happened to goal machine Rob Earnshaw? The slayer of Derby, Leicester and other teams nobody cares about couldn't even tap in from five yards.
He joins a long list of people who have suffered similar fates...
Hall of Lame
Including... Chris Iwelumo. Here we have another Championship striker missing a sitter on International duty.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RqkShPKgAbw
Bring back Dele
Another disappointing defeat for Forest with another set-piece goal conceded. I think we are missing a bit of a presence in the side. Now, who could we bring in that is big, strong and good at heading?
Lawrie goes all Hollywood
2007 - Lawrie Sanchez left Northern Ireland to go and manage Fulham. Fair enough, you say, it's hard to turn down a decent Premier League side.
2009 - "The fact that I left Northern Ireland at the time that I did is the one major regret of my managerial career."
"I loved my time with Northern Ireland and I'd like to finish off what I started."
2011- "Nigel (Worthington) has had enough cracks at it. Everybody sees the writing is on the wall.
"He is not doing an exceptional job. It's not happening.
"It has got worse rather than better. Everybody realises it is time for a change."
Sanchez said he would consider managing Northern Ireland again should the Irish Football Association decide to sack Worthington.
"I have always said I would like to finish what I started," he told Radio Ulster. "I would like the opportunity. I would like to return to Northern Ireland in the future."
Right, you leave your country to manage Fulham then things go badly there and you get sacked. So then, you wait until Northern Ireland start losing and keep saying you should be put back in charge.
I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that he is now manager of League Two Barnet (no disrespect). But there is something ominous at the way he keeps talking about finishing what he started. It's not like the Northern Ireland team has changed in the last four years or anything...
Unbelievable Jeff!
Having completed Jeff Stelling's book, Jellyman's Thrown a Wobbly, on holiday, I thought I should write a quick review. And when I say review, I mean say what a fine piece of work it is.
If you enjoy watch Soccer Saturday, whether every week or on the odd occasion, then this is certainly a book you should read. It contains lots of great insight into the life of Jeff, including his quotes, his drinking game, his journey into broadcasting and his relationship with the pundits on the show.
But more than that, it really highlights how a show, which is, in Jeff's words, you (the viewer) watching four guys watch football, has earned cult status amongst football fans.
I really enjoyed the book and am sure that it will be revisited some time in the future when in need of a light read and a good laugh.
Rugby World Cup
It's that time every four years where I try and pretend that I know something about rugby, which I clearly don't. My last taste of rugby must have been in Year 8 when we were so bad that we rarely evolved to anything past touch rugby, although it provided one brilliant moment when one player started celebrating a try before putting the ball down, only to see himself aggresively "tackled" by an opponent, thus robbing him of his glory. Great times.
So far I have not been able to watch any of the tournament so I was fortunate to miss England's uninspiring win against Argentina.
It's amazing that during the football equivalent last summer I was rooting for New Zealand to win and now 14 months on, I just want to see them choke and lose. Admittedly, I still want the French to lose badly, really, really badly.
The best thing about these tournaments is picking a minnow side who you want to do well. Out of all the teams I can see, I am going to root for Tonga for the simple reason that I want them to beat France.
For those who will be getting up early to watch the matches, good luck. Here's hoping you are rewarded more than in the football last year, which was about as inspiring as an Avram Grant team-talk.
Flushing hell
America, we are often told, is the richest country on earth, a superpower unmatched by all others. But clearly, nobody told the organisers at the US Open who let the courts get flooded by rain because they don't have any covers, then get staff to go around with cloths trying to mop it up. I suppose this is what you would expect of tennis tournaments... when Fred Perry was playing.
And if that wasn't enough, in a desperation to get the players back on of the courts, they tried to cover up a crack in the surface which was leaking water with some tape. Sadly enough, Flushing Meadows is run more like a student household than a Grand Slam.
On the court, we saw Andy Murray celebrate after coming through two matches in two days only to face Rafa Nadal. I always find it strange how much Murray seems to enjoy beating the lesser lights because he knows what's going to happen in the semi final.
Watching him shout at himself after every bad shot becomes a bit annoying after a while. But I feel sorry for the poor ball boys who have to hand him his towel while he tells them what a rubbish return he just hit. I'm just waiting for one of them to tell him, "yeah, that was crap mate." Maybe that would quieten Murray up.
As for Djokovic... this is becoming ridiculous. Stop it.
Pipe down Pakistan
A New Zealand beer advert from former cricket Daryl Tuffey has annoyed Pakistan for referring to the match fixing scandal. All I can say is I hope it has. Why are we playing them again so soon I have no idea, but I hope we whitewash them in all forms of the game this winter.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/cricket/14788041.stm
Weekly predictions: Tipster v. the Selly Oak Tramp
Last predictions before the break...
Who will win the US Open?
Tipster: Nadal
Tramp: Djokovic
Result: Both are in the final
First goal-scorer in Manchester United v. Arsenal match?
Tipster: Van Persie
Tramp: Nani
Result: Welbeck
How many sets will Novak Djokovic lose in the entire two weeks at Flushing Meadows?
Tipster: 8
Tramp: 5
Result: Currently 3
The two tennis predictions will go on to next week. At the moment it is Tramp 3-2 Tipster
This week's predictions
Who will win the Rugby World Cup?
Tipster: New Zealand
Tramp: New Zealand
How well will England do in the tournament?
Tipster: 3rd
Tramp: 4th
And the one we all want to know...
What will be the result of the Forest v. Derby match?
Tipster: 3-2 Derby
Tramp: 2-1 Forest
http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/video/2011/sep/07/al-ahly-amir-sayoud-misses-penalty-video?CMP=twt_gu
http://www.people.co.uk/news/uk-world-news/2011/09/04/newcastle-united-owner-mike-ashley-s-full-monty-strip-in-a-chinese-restaurant-102039-23394181/ - The pride of Newcastle
http://www.rafabenitez.com/web/index.php?idioma=in - the best thing on the internet. Fact.And on that bombshell...
http://twitpic.com/6i1spv - This sums up why I love Iniesta. Would you see Cashley and Terry doing this?
Sunday, 21 August 2011
What's worse? Scottish football or Indian cricket?
Hi guys and welcome to my final blog... before going on holiday. Of course sport will continue despite my absence and I will try and keep up as much as I can, but it is unlikely I will have much use of the internet. Should I be wrong then I will endeavour to get something out for you at some point.
This week I debate what has been the biggest disappointment in the last month or so: Scottish football or Indian cricket?
And we know with me there is no impartiality, so there will be a cheeky mention of the Forest-Leicester match somewhere here. I know Leicester will turn it around and get second place eventually, but until then I will enjoy myself at their expense.
Debate: what is the bigger disappointment - Scottish football or Indian cricket?
Scottish football - the arguments
It was hard watching the Hearts v. Tottenham match on Thursday not to think this was one of the most one-sided matches I had ever seen. Yes, Spurs were excellent, but the home side did not test Heurelho Gomes once inside 90 minutes and that is criminal. Rangers can forget about the Champions League for another season and might not even make the Europa League group stages after blowing a lead to lose 2-1 against Slovenian side Maribor. Celtic, meanwhile, could only draw against Swiss side Sion at home.
You might think I am being a bit harsh here, but these are not isolated incidents. Celtic and Rangers have both had relative success in the Champions League and the Ibrox club made the Uefa Cup final a few years ago, only to lose to a wealthy Zenit St. Petersburg side. However, these are now isolated incidents. Rangers were the only team to make the group stages of a European competition last season and all they could do is stick 11 men behind the ball against Man United and play for the draw. I suppose with Scottish football these days, having one striker on the pitch is a positive step.
In defence of Scottish teams, their revenue is nothing like those of the elite English clubs. Hearts have an annual turnover which is a 10th of what Spurs get. So is it no surprise that so few ever prosper in European competitions where more and more teams are owned by extremely rich individuals?
Indian cricket - the arguments
World champions, number one in the world, controllers of world cricket. These were all phrases which were associated with India when they arrived on English shores little over a month ago and apart from the middle one, they remain so today.
Even if they manage to avoid a 4-0 whitewash against England, it will probably have something to do with the rain which has blighted this Test match (or a couple of their bastmen showing great defiance). The difference with India compared to Scottish football is that this is a team at the pinnacle of sport underachieving massively in a series where they were expected to push England all the way.
With just one day in the series to go, the two people who can say they have done well are Rahul Dravid and Praveen Kumar, who has most probably ran himself into the ground after bowling 158.3 overs in 3 matches.
Cricket is a game of statistics and I could tell you how England's numbers 7-11 average higher than Indian's top 7 or show you a list of averages for the series, but that's already been reported throughout the press.
What's worse is the manner in which India have lost. Look at the way Laxman has been constantly caught trying to pull the ball, or the way Harbhajan Singh was out slogging while his side tried to save a match.
The fielding has been even worse and has made India a bit of a laughing stock. And I include in that M.S. Dhoni's wicket-keeping.
But there should be some balance to this debate. Many players had played in the World Cup, the IPL and then gone on tour to the West Indies before hurriedly flying to England. Some others though, such as Sachin Tendulkar had a rest, but like the rest of his team only had one match at Taunton to prepare for English conditions. It doesn't excuse them for how dreadful their performances have been, but they lost the early momentum which is always crucial in a Test series.
Two other factors should be explored: firstly, India have seen Zaheer Khan suffer injury and miss the whole tour which was a huge blow. And, of course, England have just been on top form. To be tired and under-prepared is bad enough, but then to face a side in their own conditions and who are on top form and playing with immense confidence is a nightmare.
The verdict
It may be harsh to call the World champions a disappointment, but I was expecting a lot more from India than I was with Scottish football teams in Europe. There were mitigating factors I must admit, but watching R.P. Singh get called up at the last minute for a Test match having played no cricket and being overweight, with Munaf Patel who had been there all tour waiting in the wings, makes you only lose respect for what is a very good side.
Sir Bobby putting us to shame
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HKqxAmzjJig&feature=share
Worst pun of the week...
Steve Kean was caught drink driving - is that him doing anything for three points? Or was this his way of trying to get out of the Blackburn Rovers job. If it was the latter than he shouldn't worry, unless he starts winning soon.
Hillsborough campaign
If you have Twitter and follow a number of footballers or journalists then you will probably have seen the e-petition asking for the release of all documents relating to the Hillsborough tragedy, but still, I ask that you sign up just to let the government know that another cover-up is just not acceptable.
http://epetitions.direct.gov.uk/petitions/2199
Derby points challenge
It may have been a few years ago, but who could forget the pitiful 11 points Derby managed to win in an entire Premier League season. So now, I am launching the Derby points challenge to see when every team in the top flight passes that points tally. It is still early days, but I am expecting the challenge to be completed before the turn of the year. Amazingly, and annoyingly, they have already passed their own challenge after two weeks of this season.
The Bring Back Adebola Campaign
No Forest striker has scored in 4 league games, so I feel it is only right to create the Bring Back Adebola campaign. Let us not forget, the big man started on three ocassions last season and netted each time. How we could do with his predatory instincts (and sizeable assets) right now.
Confirming our suspicions
Manchester United are planning a stock flotation in Singapore. I suppose it makes sense to bring the club closer to where most of their fans live.
the you could have seen that coming award... a Real Madrid red card against Barcelona. Or should that be two? And what about Jose? I don't normally agree with Uefa, but he really is the enemy of football. Not only does he play boring football with great teams made up of hundreds of millions of pounds, but his teams cheat, constantly pressurise referees and are sore leaders. It's like a combination of Birmingham, Manchester City, Leeds and Arsenal.
Flop(ianski) of the week
He may be young and have a bad hair cut, but there isn't much excuse for Emmanuel Frimpong's dismissal. He looked like a red card waiting to happen from kick-off. He also missed his chance to earn a permanent place in the team with Alex Song injured.
But it's not him this week, oh no. A big thank you to Kasper Schmeichel for getting sent off despite not actually fouling anyone. You made my day and got Forest a point.
Hall of Lame
Ipswich Town lost 7-1 to Doncaster this weekend (following a 5-2 defeat to Southampton on Tuesday), but that must be a familiar feeling for their fans and manager. Last season, the Tractor Boys got hit for seven against Chelsea in the FA Cup third round and lost twice to Norwich City with an aggregate score of 9-2.
In 1995 they lost 9-0 away to Manchester United, with Andy Cole scoring five times.
And as for Paul Jewell, in the 2007-8 season Derby conceded six goals on four occasions and five goals on two ocassions. But there's a big difference between Liverpool and Peterborough.
Weekly predictions: Tipster v. the Selly Oak Tramp
And the one we all want to know...As expected it was a good start for the Tipster last week, as he accurately predicted how many holes Tiger Woods would hit bogey or worse. But could the SOT respond? Let's have a look at how last week's predictions panned out...
How many runs will India score in their first innings at the Oval?
Tipster: 198
Tramp: 320
Result: 300 - 1 point for Tramp
What will be the score in the Forest v. Leicester match next Saturday?
Tipster: 1-3
Tramp: 1-1
Result: 2-2 - 1 point for the Tramp
Which makes it a great turnaround from the Tramp after falling behind last week. He was closest with his cricket prediction and got the result right with the football, although he only got one point as he got the score wrong.
This week's predictions:
As I am going on holiday until September 5th, the tennis ones have to be decided a while in advance.
Who will win the US Open?
Tipster: Nadal
Tramp: Djokovic
First goal-scorer in Manchester United v. Arsenal match?
Tipster: Van Persie
Tramp: Nani
How many sets will Novak Djokovic lose in the entire two weeks at Flushing Meadows?
Tipster: 8
Tramp: 5
I wish I was a Getafe fan
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/aug/19/getafe-fans-sperm-donors
Anyone who has watched a Spanish film know that they're basically pornos anyway, but I didn't know it had forced its way into football!
Umm... ok
http://www.nottscountyfc.co.uk/page/NewsDetail/0,,10426~2424681,00.html
Maybe he should be asking for someone to stop Wes Morgan banging them in against his team
I'll be back in a few weeks. In a bit.
This week I debate what has been the biggest disappointment in the last month or so: Scottish football or Indian cricket?
And we know with me there is no impartiality, so there will be a cheeky mention of the Forest-Leicester match somewhere here. I know Leicester will turn it around and get second place eventually, but until then I will enjoy myself at their expense.
Debate: what is the bigger disappointment - Scottish football or Indian cricket?
Scottish football - the arguments
It was hard watching the Hearts v. Tottenham match on Thursday not to think this was one of the most one-sided matches I had ever seen. Yes, Spurs were excellent, but the home side did not test Heurelho Gomes once inside 90 minutes and that is criminal. Rangers can forget about the Champions League for another season and might not even make the Europa League group stages after blowing a lead to lose 2-1 against Slovenian side Maribor. Celtic, meanwhile, could only draw against Swiss side Sion at home.
You might think I am being a bit harsh here, but these are not isolated incidents. Celtic and Rangers have both had relative success in the Champions League and the Ibrox club made the Uefa Cup final a few years ago, only to lose to a wealthy Zenit St. Petersburg side. However, these are now isolated incidents. Rangers were the only team to make the group stages of a European competition last season and all they could do is stick 11 men behind the ball against Man United and play for the draw. I suppose with Scottish football these days, having one striker on the pitch is a positive step.
In defence of Scottish teams, their revenue is nothing like those of the elite English clubs. Hearts have an annual turnover which is a 10th of what Spurs get. So is it no surprise that so few ever prosper in European competitions where more and more teams are owned by extremely rich individuals?
Indian cricket - the arguments
World champions, number one in the world, controllers of world cricket. These were all phrases which were associated with India when they arrived on English shores little over a month ago and apart from the middle one, they remain so today.
Even if they manage to avoid a 4-0 whitewash against England, it will probably have something to do with the rain which has blighted this Test match (or a couple of their bastmen showing great defiance). The difference with India compared to Scottish football is that this is a team at the pinnacle of sport underachieving massively in a series where they were expected to push England all the way.
With just one day in the series to go, the two people who can say they have done well are Rahul Dravid and Praveen Kumar, who has most probably ran himself into the ground after bowling 158.3 overs in 3 matches.
Cricket is a game of statistics and I could tell you how England's numbers 7-11 average higher than Indian's top 7 or show you a list of averages for the series, but that's already been reported throughout the press.
What's worse is the manner in which India have lost. Look at the way Laxman has been constantly caught trying to pull the ball, or the way Harbhajan Singh was out slogging while his side tried to save a match.
The fielding has been even worse and has made India a bit of a laughing stock. And I include in that M.S. Dhoni's wicket-keeping.
But there should be some balance to this debate. Many players had played in the World Cup, the IPL and then gone on tour to the West Indies before hurriedly flying to England. Some others though, such as Sachin Tendulkar had a rest, but like the rest of his team only had one match at Taunton to prepare for English conditions. It doesn't excuse them for how dreadful their performances have been, but they lost the early momentum which is always crucial in a Test series.
Two other factors should be explored: firstly, India have seen Zaheer Khan suffer injury and miss the whole tour which was a huge blow. And, of course, England have just been on top form. To be tired and under-prepared is bad enough, but then to face a side in their own conditions and who are on top form and playing with immense confidence is a nightmare.
The verdict
It may be harsh to call the World champions a disappointment, but I was expecting a lot more from India than I was with Scottish football teams in Europe. There were mitigating factors I must admit, but watching R.P. Singh get called up at the last minute for a Test match having played no cricket and being overweight, with Munaf Patel who had been there all tour waiting in the wings, makes you only lose respect for what is a very good side.
Sir Bobby putting us to shame
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HKqxAmzjJig&feature=share
Worst pun of the week...
Steve Kean was caught drink driving - is that him doing anything for three points? Or was this his way of trying to get out of the Blackburn Rovers job. If it was the latter than he shouldn't worry, unless he starts winning soon.
Hillsborough campaign
If you have Twitter and follow a number of footballers or journalists then you will probably have seen the e-petition asking for the release of all documents relating to the Hillsborough tragedy, but still, I ask that you sign up just to let the government know that another cover-up is just not acceptable.
http://epetitions.direct.gov.uk/petitions/2199
Derby points challenge
It may have been a few years ago, but who could forget the pitiful 11 points Derby managed to win in an entire Premier League season. So now, I am launching the Derby points challenge to see when every team in the top flight passes that points tally. It is still early days, but I am expecting the challenge to be completed before the turn of the year. Amazingly, and annoyingly, they have already passed their own challenge after two weeks of this season.
The Bring Back Adebola Campaign
No Forest striker has scored in 4 league games, so I feel it is only right to create the Bring Back Adebola campaign. Let us not forget, the big man started on three ocassions last season and netted each time. How we could do with his predatory instincts (and sizeable assets) right now.
Confirming our suspicions
Manchester United are planning a stock flotation in Singapore. I suppose it makes sense to bring the club closer to where most of their fans live.
the you could have seen that coming award... a Real Madrid red card against Barcelona. Or should that be two? And what about Jose? I don't normally agree with Uefa, but he really is the enemy of football. Not only does he play boring football with great teams made up of hundreds of millions of pounds, but his teams cheat, constantly pressurise referees and are sore leaders. It's like a combination of Birmingham, Manchester City, Leeds and Arsenal.
Flop(ianski) of the week
He may be young and have a bad hair cut, but there isn't much excuse for Emmanuel Frimpong's dismissal. He looked like a red card waiting to happen from kick-off. He also missed his chance to earn a permanent place in the team with Alex Song injured.
But it's not him this week, oh no. A big thank you to Kasper Schmeichel for getting sent off despite not actually fouling anyone. You made my day and got Forest a point.
Hall of Lame
Ipswich Town lost 7-1 to Doncaster this weekend (following a 5-2 defeat to Southampton on Tuesday), but that must be a familiar feeling for their fans and manager. Last season, the Tractor Boys got hit for seven against Chelsea in the FA Cup third round and lost twice to Norwich City with an aggregate score of 9-2.
In 1995 they lost 9-0 away to Manchester United, with Andy Cole scoring five times.
And as for Paul Jewell, in the 2007-8 season Derby conceded six goals on four occasions and five goals on two ocassions. But there's a big difference between Liverpool and Peterborough.
Weekly predictions: Tipster v. the Selly Oak Tramp
And the one we all want to know...As expected it was a good start for the Tipster last week, as he accurately predicted how many holes Tiger Woods would hit bogey or worse. But could the SOT respond? Let's have a look at how last week's predictions panned out...
How many runs will India score in their first innings at the Oval?
Tipster: 198
Tramp: 320
Result: 300 - 1 point for Tramp
What will be the score in the Forest v. Leicester match next Saturday?
Tipster: 1-3
Tramp: 1-1
Result: 2-2 - 1 point for the Tramp
Which makes it a great turnaround from the Tramp after falling behind last week. He was closest with his cricket prediction and got the result right with the football, although he only got one point as he got the score wrong.
This week's predictions:
As I am going on holiday until September 5th, the tennis ones have to be decided a while in advance.
Who will win the US Open?
Tipster: Nadal
Tramp: Djokovic
First goal-scorer in Manchester United v. Arsenal match?
Tipster: Van Persie
Tramp: Nani
How many sets will Novak Djokovic lose in the entire two weeks at Flushing Meadows?
Tipster: 8
Tramp: 5
I wish I was a Getafe fan
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/aug/19/getafe-fans-sperm-donors
Anyone who has watched a Spanish film know that they're basically pornos anyway, but I didn't know it had forced its way into football!
Umm... ok
http://www.nottscountyfc.co.uk/page/NewsDetail/0,,10426~2424681,00.html
Maybe he should be asking for someone to stop Wes Morgan banging them in against his team
I'll be back in a few weeks. In a bit.
Sunday, 14 August 2011
My week at the Test match
It has been an interesting week for me to say the least. I returned to Birmingham on Sunday evening not knowing if my new house even had electricity or running water. To my obvious relief it had both, although it took me another 24 hours to get any hot water (and seven days later I still haven't managed to get the heating on).
The reason for my return? I had been invited to be a media volunteer for the duration of the Test match. I was told to arrive on Monday morning at 8am in smart attire and stay until the match concluded, which was to be at some point during the weekend. I had no idea what to expect when I agreed to this proposition, but over the next six days I experienced a lot, both good, bad and funny which I thought I would share.
Due to my long hours at Edgbaston and only having internet for two evenings, I have struggled to follow the sporting news as I would have liked to. So instead, I will try and give you an idea of what happened during a week which saw me be shouted at by an irate Indian journalist and discuss pink shirts with Jonathan Agnew.
I hope you find it interesting and amusing even if you don't like cricket. And for football fans out there, everything will be back to normal next week, when hopefully Forest will have finally registered a league win (although the Carling Cup victory deserves great mention).
Monday
With just two days before the match was due to start, I, alongside the other five or six media volunteers who all knew each other beforehand, were given a tour around Edgbaston in order to familiarise ourselves with the place as we would be guiding journalists and photographers to the new press centre.
The Indian team had an early training session and my brief was to lead the Indian journalists to a certain entrance around the ground where they could watch and take photographs. Fortunately, most were appreciative of my assistance.
A couple came up to me asking if I could help get one of their colleagues into the ground who had not been given media accreditation, which I could not and others complained that they had to walk all the way around to reception before being guided back again. When I suggested I might have a word with the stewards I was told in no uncertain terms that I would talk to them immediately.
However, the most shocking moment of the entire week came when a small man with a big camera lens (standard) bristled up to me demanding I take him to the pitch. Although I offered to take him around, he brushed past me and tried to go through the doors nearby which I and the security guard informed him were locked. This clearly did not matter to him and he demanded I find him a way through to the pitch (although at this point he was speaking so quickly I could barely comprehend what he was saying).
After trying unsuccessfully to get him through a different entrance and telling him he had to go back, I was unleashed with a full tirade of abuse about how useless I was etc. Now normally I wouldn't take this, but as I was on strict orders to always be polite I walked him back the way we should have gone. Once again he spotted an entrance and when I again informed him that he wasn't meant to go that way, he told me to leave him alone as he stormed off with his manhood inferiority-complex of a camera. A perfect first day...
... which got better later on. At a mate's house five minutes from my own, I heard about serious rioting up the road in the city centre, which were apparently race related and on their way to Selly Oak. After several hours listening and watching the news, we finally realised that neither of those two things were true, but as it was now approaching midnight, I decided it was best not to chance it. And I got to wake up in a house which wasn't stone cold the next morning.
Tuesday
By now, my 35 minute walk each way to the ground in smart shoes I hadn't worn in a year had given me horrific blisters. But on the bright side I no longer had to deal with small, angry Indian journalists as all the press now knew where everything was.
Instead, I endured a series of briefings on what was expected of me as a volunteer etc, with the idea being that I would finish work at 11:30 and spend the rest of the day watching the cricket (sounds perfect I know).
Back at the house, after watching Role Models for the 100th time, me and Richard Ayling tuned into extra-time of the Nottingham Forest Carling Cup tie versus Notts County (more on this later). Safe to say after the events of that night, it took a while for me to calm down enough to go to sleep, which wasn't great considering my alarm was on for 5:15 am.
Wednesday
It was at about 7:45 am, standing in front of a car-park with a giant lollipop which directed the media towards the press area, when I began to regret signing up to volunteer. Standing in just a t-shirt which read: 'Can I help' (nobody decided to find out if I could), I spent the next three and a half hours shivering in the cold as the players and broadcasters walked past. On the plus side, David Gower looked at the sign which said Media entrance and had an arrow pointing them in the right direction and sarcastically added: "Well that's helpful isn't it" as he strolled on by. Still, he was the only person to even acknowledge my existence.
By now the blisters meant I could barely walk, but I got to watch the England attack race through the Indian batting line-up, before being summoned to a briefing at 5:20 where I was told one of the busiest roads had been closed off. So instead of announcing it in the stadium, they decided to send the 15 or so volunteers (more ECB ones had turned up) to man the exits and inform the 25,000 spectators. After an hour, the day's play finished and streams of supporters started to leave the ground. As now nobody could hear the lone guy in front of them trying to shout some jibberish at them, I buggered off, cursing the day I ever decided to do volunteering.
However, one guy cheered me up when he walked over and asked me where the pussy was. Clearly he doesn't know me or he wouldn't be asking.
Thursday
I was off lollipop duty and was back working for the PR team. To my relief, I was stationed inside, manning the entrance to the broadcasters entrance on the third floor, which needed someone to type in a code and make sure the door didn't slam. One highlight was Shane Warne venting his frustration (not at me) that he had to go outside the building everytime he wanted to make a call. I should also add that Liz Hurley came in at least twice during the week, although unfortunately I was not present for either occasion.
Other highlights included meeting Geoffrey Boycott who asked me how I was (I can die now) and having a pleasant exchange with Jonathan Agnew. Aggers and I were both wearing pink shirts and after two hours of not daring to talk to any of the big beasts of broadcasting (good luck saying that), I clumsily commented that I liked his choise of shirt.
Probably very startled and worried, he turned around and said, "Do you really think so?" He seemed taken aback yet pleased by the praise. I responded by saying i did, before we compared his pink shirt to mine, which was not as bright. It is the measure of the man that he felt able to have a trivial exchange with me and sound exactly like he does on the radio when talking to genuine celebrities. Still, nothing could match the yellow trousers worn by Henry Blofeld, which trumped anything else the entire week.
By now, it was established that once I was no longer needed to stand by the door, I could go up a floor to the spacious press box and watch the cricket. I was also able to enjoy the same food as the journalists, which was a sight to behold. Here is an idea of the spread the hacks could feast upon:
Breakfast: Tea, Coffee, pastries androlls filled with bacon and/or fried eggs
Lunch: Sandwiches, noodles, salad, cured meats, three potential main courses (for instance on one day there were three types of curry on offer), potatoes/rice, fruit, and an array of chocolate bars, crisps and sweets
Tea: Lots of cakes, other pastries, more chocolate
During the entire day: As many bottles of Red Bull and water as you like as well as hot drinks and biscuits
I have seen buffets in my time, but for a free day of eating and drinking you will never beat this.
He said hello and began to eat his bacon butties and read a newspaper as I waited for an opportunity to try and introduce myself. I think he found it very disconcerting that a volunteer was staring at him waiting for him to finish his sandwich, but more by luck than good judgement, I eventually started up a conversation with him which continued for 20 minutes until the day's play started.
After sleepily watching Alastair Cook compile his massive score - interrupted only by my annoyance that the umpires took the players off for bad light - I finally began to realise that the early starts and late finishes were now worth it, especially for the lunches I received.
And in my usual stint on the third floor, I saw Warney again, this time having finished a fag break while there was rain in the air, before rushing back to the studio as he realised play was about to resume and he was needed in the Sky studio. Judging by the pace he showed out of the elevator, his fitness regime is clearly working.
The banter from the crowd was quite brilliant today. They had an orange ball and an inflatable ball confiscated by officials, so as the Eric Hollies stand continually chanted, "We want our ball back," one man jumped over the advertising hoardings to re-claim the orange ball. As he was escorted off by two stewards, another guy did the same trick and picked up the now unguarded inflatable ball. Seeing that more stewards were coming to get him, he threw the ball back into the crowd and jumped over the hoardings, without realising that the ball had hit the hoardings and bounced back onto the pitch. He too was arrested and probably evicted from the ground.
As Cook approached his landmark 300, I jokingly said to the guy next to me, "What's the bet he tries to do it with a six?" having just seen Tim Bresnan reach his 50 in a similar manner. We both laughed about it, then watched in horror as he was caught just in front of the boundary moments later. Never has 6 runs in a match been so inconsequential to the overall result yet so debated.
And when Sehwag got out first ball for the second time in the match, even I was thinking that I could do a job for the Indians. I mean, could I do any worse than two first-ballers? Maybe if I ran out Tendulkar.
Saturday
There was a definitey party atmosphere in the crowd, buoyed by the fact that Warwickshire were trying to break a world record for most people in fancy dress at the same place. Of course, this led to general hilarity. There was the sight of a banana being followed into the stand by an army of ninjas. A gang of Mr Blobby's were treated to a rendition of, "Blobby! Blobby!" and one guy dressed as Spiderman got onto the top of a stand and slid down a pole, before being escorted out, to the obvious tune of, "Spiderman! Spiderman!"
On the field, India decided to come dressed as cricketers. Shame they didn't play like them. My famous ability of tempting fate struck again as I text somebody telling them Tendulkar was looking ominous at the crease. Next over, he was run-out at the non-striker's end whilst backing-up and naturally I felt like it was my fault. It's lucky I don't predict horoscopes or the weather.
With the match now finished, I got to attend the post-match press conferences where the Indian journalists tried to get Andrew Strauss to slag off their team, unsuccessfully, and the English journalists asked him if he was the best captain the world and if he and Cook were the best opening partnership in the world. There's optimistic and there's that.
So, that was it. Obviously I didn't have the time or memory to jot down everything that happened this week, but I felt it would be stupid to have experienced so much in a short period of time and not to share it.
Overall, I'd have to say it was a positive experience and it's going to be difficult to adjust to normal lunches again. Should you feel in any way remotely inspired by this story (and I can't really see why you would), then you could volunteer yourself for a Test match through the ECB. Or just hope you are good enough to one day get in the team.
Forest v. Notts County
There is nothing I can say which will do justice to this, so just watch it again, and again, and again.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/league_cup/14368484.stm
Last golf major
I have been unable to see any of the golf this week, but I looked at the leaderboard today to see the leading names were Jason Dufner, Keegan Bradley and Brendan Steele. I like to think I know what's going on in the golfing world, but seriously, who?
Flop(ianski) of the week
QPR were certainly contenders as was David de Gea, but for dropping two dollies on the second day, it has to be Rahul Dravid. The Bell one could be forgiven, but that Morgan one in the last over of the day? Sandra Redknapp and Geoffrey Boycott's grandmother could have caught that.
Hall of Lame
England are one game away from a famous whitewash against what was the number one side in the world before the series started. The most obvious whitewash to think about is in 2006/07, but we all know about that. Just as bad was the 5-0 ODI drubbing against Sri Lanka. At least Tim Bresnan has improved since then,
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/cricket/england/5133154.stm
And of course, if we are looking at a 4-0 victory on the opening day of the season involving a newly-promoted team, then we only need to go back a year.
As for awful debuts, Jonathan Woodgate at Real Madrid would take some beating...
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/europe/4273704.stm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SIzSC2PzgBQ
Weekly predictions: Tipster v. the Selly Oak Tramp
Last week's predictions:
What will be the result of the third Test match at Edgbaston?
Tipster: India
Tramp: England
Result: England
Who will win the final golf major of the year?
Tipster: McIlroy
Tramp: Westwood
Result: both are wrong (winner will not be known until later)
Who will be the first try scorer in the England v. Wales match?
Tipster: Whoever plays full-back
Result: 13
*Double bogeys only count as 1
Current score: Tipster 2-1 Tramp (Getting the one we all want to know bang-on is worth double points)
This week:
How many runs will India score in their first innings at the Oval?
Tipster: 198
Tramp: 320
What will be the score in the Forest v. Leicester match next Saturday?
Tipster: 1-3
Tramp: 1-1
The week ahead
Robin Van Persie scores for Arsenal against Udinese on Tuesday. He then announces at half-time he wants to leave.
Sachin Tendulkar gets into the 90s on the fifth day, but it starts raining and he is left stranded.
Joey Barton announces he is joining Celebrity Big Brother.
Quotes of the week
Joey Barton on Twitter - "I hate divers, but feigning injury to get someone sent off is ok #hypocrite"
Wes Morgan - "OH YEAH!"
Joey Baton on Twitter - "Commited to Newcastle cause #championsleagueherewecome"
As I said, I have been busy this week and wihout internet for much of it, so I apologise if I have missed anything out. But I would like to make the following observations...
Arsenal kept a clean-sheet - Wow
Liverpool drew at home to a mid-table team - Shocker
QPR got mauled - Hooray
Forest - Worrying
The reason for my return? I had been invited to be a media volunteer for the duration of the Test match. I was told to arrive on Monday morning at 8am in smart attire and stay until the match concluded, which was to be at some point during the weekend. I had no idea what to expect when I agreed to this proposition, but over the next six days I experienced a lot, both good, bad and funny which I thought I would share.
Due to my long hours at Edgbaston and only having internet for two evenings, I have struggled to follow the sporting news as I would have liked to. So instead, I will try and give you an idea of what happened during a week which saw me be shouted at by an irate Indian journalist and discuss pink shirts with Jonathan Agnew.
I hope you find it interesting and amusing even if you don't like cricket. And for football fans out there, everything will be back to normal next week, when hopefully Forest will have finally registered a league win (although the Carling Cup victory deserves great mention).
Monday
With just two days before the match was due to start, I, alongside the other five or six media volunteers who all knew each other beforehand, were given a tour around Edgbaston in order to familiarise ourselves with the place as we would be guiding journalists and photographers to the new press centre.
The Indian team had an early training session and my brief was to lead the Indian journalists to a certain entrance around the ground where they could watch and take photographs. Fortunately, most were appreciative of my assistance.
A couple came up to me asking if I could help get one of their colleagues into the ground who had not been given media accreditation, which I could not and others complained that they had to walk all the way around to reception before being guided back again. When I suggested I might have a word with the stewards I was told in no uncertain terms that I would talk to them immediately.
However, the most shocking moment of the entire week came when a small man with a big camera lens (standard) bristled up to me demanding I take him to the pitch. Although I offered to take him around, he brushed past me and tried to go through the doors nearby which I and the security guard informed him were locked. This clearly did not matter to him and he demanded I find him a way through to the pitch (although at this point he was speaking so quickly I could barely comprehend what he was saying).
After trying unsuccessfully to get him through a different entrance and telling him he had to go back, I was unleashed with a full tirade of abuse about how useless I was etc. Now normally I wouldn't take this, but as I was on strict orders to always be polite I walked him back the way we should have gone. Once again he spotted an entrance and when I again informed him that he wasn't meant to go that way, he told me to leave him alone as he stormed off with his manhood inferiority-complex of a camera. A perfect first day...
... which got better later on. At a mate's house five minutes from my own, I heard about serious rioting up the road in the city centre, which were apparently race related and on their way to Selly Oak. After several hours listening and watching the news, we finally realised that neither of those two things were true, but as it was now approaching midnight, I decided it was best not to chance it. And I got to wake up in a house which wasn't stone cold the next morning.
Tuesday
By now, my 35 minute walk each way to the ground in smart shoes I hadn't worn in a year had given me horrific blisters. But on the bright side I no longer had to deal with small, angry Indian journalists as all the press now knew where everything was.
Instead, I endured a series of briefings on what was expected of me as a volunteer etc, with the idea being that I would finish work at 11:30 and spend the rest of the day watching the cricket (sounds perfect I know).
Back at the house, after watching Role Models for the 100th time, me and Richard Ayling tuned into extra-time of the Nottingham Forest Carling Cup tie versus Notts County (more on this later). Safe to say after the events of that night, it took a while for me to calm down enough to go to sleep, which wasn't great considering my alarm was on for 5:15 am.
Wednesday
It was at about 7:45 am, standing in front of a car-park with a giant lollipop which directed the media towards the press area, when I began to regret signing up to volunteer. Standing in just a t-shirt which read: 'Can I help' (nobody decided to find out if I could), I spent the next three and a half hours shivering in the cold as the players and broadcasters walked past. On the plus side, David Gower looked at the sign which said Media entrance and had an arrow pointing them in the right direction and sarcastically added: "Well that's helpful isn't it" as he strolled on by. Still, he was the only person to even acknowledge my existence.
By now the blisters meant I could barely walk, but I got to watch the England attack race through the Indian batting line-up, before being summoned to a briefing at 5:20 where I was told one of the busiest roads had been closed off. So instead of announcing it in the stadium, they decided to send the 15 or so volunteers (more ECB ones had turned up) to man the exits and inform the 25,000 spectators. After an hour, the day's play finished and streams of supporters started to leave the ground. As now nobody could hear the lone guy in front of them trying to shout some jibberish at them, I buggered off, cursing the day I ever decided to do volunteering.
However, one guy cheered me up when he walked over and asked me where the pussy was. Clearly he doesn't know me or he wouldn't be asking.
Thursday
I was off lollipop duty and was back working for the PR team. To my relief, I was stationed inside, manning the entrance to the broadcasters entrance on the third floor, which needed someone to type in a code and make sure the door didn't slam. One highlight was Shane Warne venting his frustration (not at me) that he had to go outside the building everytime he wanted to make a call. I should also add that Liz Hurley came in at least twice during the week, although unfortunately I was not present for either occasion.
Other highlights included meeting Geoffrey Boycott who asked me how I was (I can die now) and having a pleasant exchange with Jonathan Agnew. Aggers and I were both wearing pink shirts and after two hours of not daring to talk to any of the big beasts of broadcasting (good luck saying that), I clumsily commented that I liked his choise of shirt.
Probably very startled and worried, he turned around and said, "Do you really think so?" He seemed taken aback yet pleased by the praise. I responded by saying i did, before we compared his pink shirt to mine, which was not as bright. It is the measure of the man that he felt able to have a trivial exchange with me and sound exactly like he does on the radio when talking to genuine celebrities. Still, nothing could match the yellow trousers worn by Henry Blofeld, which trumped anything else the entire week.
By now, it was established that once I was no longer needed to stand by the door, I could go up a floor to the spacious press box and watch the cricket. I was also able to enjoy the same food as the journalists, which was a sight to behold. Here is an idea of the spread the hacks could feast upon:
Breakfast: Tea, Coffee, pastries androlls filled with bacon and/or fried eggs
Lunch: Sandwiches, noodles, salad, cured meats, three potential main courses (for instance on one day there were three types of curry on offer), potatoes/rice, fruit, and an array of chocolate bars, crisps and sweets
Tea: Lots of cakes, other pastries, more chocolate
During the entire day: As many bottles of Red Bull and water as you like as well as hot drinks and biscuits
I have seen buffets in my time, but for a free day of eating and drinking you will never beat this.
This is a picture of tea on the final day. Sorry, this is only half of tea, the rest of it couldn't be fit in
Friday
Feeling like a failure for having only talked to one journalist despite spending plenty of time in the press area, I decided I would try my luck should an opportunity arise. As I sad down at breakfast, having a pastry and reading a newspaper, I was joined by Martin Samuel, chief sports writer at the Daily Mail and the current Sports Writer of the Year.
Friday
Feeling like a failure for having only talked to one journalist despite spending plenty of time in the press area, I decided I would try my luck should an opportunity arise. As I sad down at breakfast, having a pastry and reading a newspaper, I was joined by Martin Samuel, chief sports writer at the Daily Mail and the current Sports Writer of the Year.
He said hello and began to eat his bacon butties and read a newspaper as I waited for an opportunity to try and introduce myself. I think he found it very disconcerting that a volunteer was staring at him waiting for him to finish his sandwich, but more by luck than good judgement, I eventually started up a conversation with him which continued for 20 minutes until the day's play started.
It's certainly an eye-opener when you meet one of the top brass in any profession and I felt a little bit embarrassed when he said half-way through that he didn't even know my name, which was to prove a point. Point well-made I thought.
After sleepily watching Alastair Cook compile his massive score - interrupted only by my annoyance that the umpires took the players off for bad light - I finally began to realise that the early starts and late finishes were now worth it, especially for the lunches I received.
And in my usual stint on the third floor, I saw Warney again, this time having finished a fag break while there was rain in the air, before rushing back to the studio as he realised play was about to resume and he was needed in the Sky studio. Judging by the pace he showed out of the elevator, his fitness regime is clearly working.
The banter from the crowd was quite brilliant today. They had an orange ball and an inflatable ball confiscated by officials, so as the Eric Hollies stand continually chanted, "We want our ball back," one man jumped over the advertising hoardings to re-claim the orange ball. As he was escorted off by two stewards, another guy did the same trick and picked up the now unguarded inflatable ball. Seeing that more stewards were coming to get him, he threw the ball back into the crowd and jumped over the hoardings, without realising that the ball had hit the hoardings and bounced back onto the pitch. He too was arrested and probably evicted from the ground.
As Cook approached his landmark 300, I jokingly said to the guy next to me, "What's the bet he tries to do it with a six?" having just seen Tim Bresnan reach his 50 in a similar manner. We both laughed about it, then watched in horror as he was caught just in front of the boundary moments later. Never has 6 runs in a match been so inconsequential to the overall result yet so debated.
And when Sehwag got out first ball for the second time in the match, even I was thinking that I could do a job for the Indians. I mean, could I do any worse than two first-ballers? Maybe if I ran out Tendulkar.
Saturday
There was a definitey party atmosphere in the crowd, buoyed by the fact that Warwickshire were trying to break a world record for most people in fancy dress at the same place. Of course, this led to general hilarity. There was the sight of a banana being followed into the stand by an army of ninjas. A gang of Mr Blobby's were treated to a rendition of, "Blobby! Blobby!" and one guy dressed as Spiderman got onto the top of a stand and slid down a pole, before being escorted out, to the obvious tune of, "Spiderman! Spiderman!"
On the field, India decided to come dressed as cricketers. Shame they didn't play like them. My famous ability of tempting fate struck again as I text somebody telling them Tendulkar was looking ominous at the crease. Next over, he was run-out at the non-striker's end whilst backing-up and naturally I felt like it was my fault. It's lucky I don't predict horoscopes or the weather.
With the match now finished, I got to attend the post-match press conferences where the Indian journalists tried to get Andrew Strauss to slag off their team, unsuccessfully, and the English journalists asked him if he was the best captain the world and if he and Cook were the best opening partnership in the world. There's optimistic and there's that.
So, that was it. Obviously I didn't have the time or memory to jot down everything that happened this week, but I felt it would be stupid to have experienced so much in a short period of time and not to share it.
Overall, I'd have to say it was a positive experience and it's going to be difficult to adjust to normal lunches again. Should you feel in any way remotely inspired by this story (and I can't really see why you would), then you could volunteer yourself for a Test match through the ECB. Or just hope you are good enough to one day get in the team.
Forest v. Notts County
There is nothing I can say which will do justice to this, so just watch it again, and again, and again.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/league_cup/14368484.stm
Last golf major
I have been unable to see any of the golf this week, but I looked at the leaderboard today to see the leading names were Jason Dufner, Keegan Bradley and Brendan Steele. I like to think I know what's going on in the golfing world, but seriously, who?
Flop(ianski) of the week
QPR were certainly contenders as was David de Gea, but for dropping two dollies on the second day, it has to be Rahul Dravid. The Bell one could be forgiven, but that Morgan one in the last over of the day? Sandra Redknapp and Geoffrey Boycott's grandmother could have caught that.
Hall of Lame
England are one game away from a famous whitewash against what was the number one side in the world before the series started. The most obvious whitewash to think about is in 2006/07, but we all know about that. Just as bad was the 5-0 ODI drubbing against Sri Lanka. At least Tim Bresnan has improved since then,
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/cricket/england/5133154.stm
And of course, if we are looking at a 4-0 victory on the opening day of the season involving a newly-promoted team, then we only need to go back a year.
As for awful debuts, Jonathan Woodgate at Real Madrid would take some beating...
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/europe/4273704.stm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SIzSC2PzgBQ
Weekly predictions: Tipster v. the Selly Oak Tramp
Last week's predictions:
What will be the result of the third Test match at Edgbaston?
Tipster: India
Tramp: England
Result: England
Who will win the final golf major of the year?
Tipster: McIlroy
Tramp: Westwood
Result: both are wrong (winner will not be known until later)
Who will be the first try scorer in the England v. Wales match?
Tipster: Whoever plays full-back
Tramp: Banahan
Result: Hook
And the one we all want to know...
Result: Hook
And the one we all want to know...
How many bogeys will Tiger Woods hit?*
Tipster:13
Tramp:11Result: 13
*Double bogeys only count as 1
Current score: Tipster 2-1 Tramp (Getting the one we all want to know bang-on is worth double points)
This week:
How many runs will India score in their first innings at the Oval?
Tipster: 198
Tramp: 320
What will be the score in the Forest v. Leicester match next Saturday?
Tipster: 1-3
Tramp: 1-1
The week ahead
Robin Van Persie scores for Arsenal against Udinese on Tuesday. He then announces at half-time he wants to leave.
Sachin Tendulkar gets into the 90s on the fifth day, but it starts raining and he is left stranded.
Joey Barton announces he is joining Celebrity Big Brother.
Quotes of the week
Joey Barton on Twitter - "I hate divers, but feigning injury to get someone sent off is ok #hypocrite"
Wes Morgan - "OH YEAH!"
Joey Baton on Twitter - "Commited to Newcastle cause #championsleagueherewecome"
As I said, I have been busy this week and wihout internet for much of it, so I apologise if I have missed anything out. But I would like to make the following observations...
Arsenal kept a clean-sheet - Wow
Liverpool drew at home to a mid-table team - Shocker
QPR got mauled - Hooray
Forest - Worrying
Clasico number one of the season is starting now. Enjoy!
Saturday, 6 August 2011
Season predictions time
After more than two months of the summer and wondering what if Rob Eanshaw hadn't hit the post, it's finally time to say welcome back to league football. As it is every year, we pin our hopes high on somehow achieving promotion, only to start with a 0-0 (as we always seem to do).
In this edition, we have season predictions from our three pundits and I will introduce a weekly contest which will keep you engrossed (and warm) through the winter months. If that isn't enough, we have the usual random chat to try and keep you amused. I hope you enjoy!
Everybody...
wants to leave Newcastle. First it was Jose Enrique and now Joey Barton has forced his way out after he as well used twitter to slag off the management. Funnily enough they are going to ban it now. Barton decided to tell us that he was being allowed to leave, then was training by himself, then was being fined two weeks wages. But he decided to take it out on us by giving us a philosophy lesson on twitter. Apparently, not putting out a cigar in somebody's eye wasn't something he thought about sharing with us.
Everybody...
hates living in Manchester. First we had Carlos 'I wouldn't go there on holiday' Tevez slagging it off, then we had Mairo Balotelli complaining about it (although I believe his comments were taken out of context). Nemanja Vidic also said how it rained a lot when he first arrived here. Maybe that's why Sir Alex Ferguson is always scowling then.
Stoke City... have declared their interest in signing Nicklas Bendtner. In other news, the odds on them being relegated have dramatically shortened.
2:30pm... "Can't wait for the new season to begin." Safe to say I wasn't feeling as optimistic after the match, although the first game back doesn't really tell you anything.
One thing I would just like to point out is: West Ham - Carew, Leicester - Nugent, Forest - McGoldrick. Just saying.
Hall of Lame
Worst opening day defeat? Look no further than two years ago. Norwich City 1-7 Colchester.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xvxi4FDZYRs
Would have been funny if they weren't now a division above Forest.
Ben Foster - Flop of the week
"At the moment, I play my club football, I go home and have time with my family. That's absolutely brilliant. That's how I operate best as a footballer.
"But if something does happen to Joe [Hart], and the manager gives me a call and says 'we're desperate for you to come back in' then I can consider it. I can always consider it."
So basically, you retired from playing for your country because you were fed up of being a number 2, but if suddenly the guy who is better than you gets hurt you think it's fine to just rock up and play. Let us hope Joe Hart never gets injured or dropped then.
Goal-less wonders
Congratulations to the England under-20s who epitomised the art of sexy football by qualifying for the knock-out stages of their World Cup... without a goal being scored in any of their matches. They've been following the Paraguay school of how to win without actually winning, or if Carlsberg did 0-0s...
Fifa joy
I'd gone three weeks without playing on Fifa due to being away, but I returned with the season in February and my bid for Premier League glory hitting a stumbling block. I got through to May, and after a 4-4 draw against Manchester United, I went into the final match against Manchester City, who were 3 points above me, but with an inferior goal difference, knowing I could clinch the title by winning at their stadium.
To say the match was dramatic would be an understatement. An early goal for me was cancelled out soon after. Into the second half, City piled on the pressure, hitting the woodwork, before Carlos Tevez went through on goal, only to be denied by Shay Given (who I signed from them). After the save, I went straight to the other end and scored through Manfredini (a 200lbs beastly black man) to make it 2-1.
Then in stoppage time, City hit the beans on toast (the post) and aftet a mad scramble in the box I somehow got the ball clear and the ref blew his whistle for full-time. Incredibly, as I celebrated my famous victory (which goes down alongside Arsenal's 2-0 win over Liverpool in 1989), I saw the City players were celebrating and mine look dejected. I was fearing the worst, but once the match was finished I checked the table and saw I had indeed come first. Somehow.
Season predictions
Here are the predictions of our three "pundits" this year: myself, Richard 'Dick' Ayling and Fraser 'Pub Quiz' Kesteven. We will reveal the winner at the end of the season, although I may give updates at certain intervals.
As for the points system, there's 1 point for a correct answer. For those where there is one more than answer (e.g. 3 relegated teams) then it is 1 point per correct team and for guessing a number (e.g. number of Torres goals) then it is closest who wins. League goals only.
Premier League winner:
JL: Man U
FK: Man U
RA: Man U
Rest of top 4:
JL: Man City, Chelsea, Liverpool
FK: Chelsea, Man City, Arsenal
RA: Chelsea, Man City, Arsenal
Relegated teams:
JL: Norwich, Wigan, Swansea
FK: Norwich, Wigan, Swansea
RA: Norwich, Wigan, Swansea
Top goal-scorer:
JL: Rooney
FK: Rooney
RA: Rooney
Number of Fernando Torres goals:
JL: 10
FK: 15
RA: 10
Number of Mario Balotelli goals:
JL: 12
FK: 10
RA: 6
Number of Emile Heskey goals:
JL: 4
FK: 1
RA: 3
Number of games Arsenal let a lead slip:
JL: 6
FK: 4
RA: 6
Norwich overall goal-difference:
JL: -15
FK: -28
RA: -21
First managerial casualty:
JL: Alex McLeish
FK: Neil Warnock (JL - hope he's right)
RA: Steve Kean
FA Cup winner:
JL: Spurs
FK: Chelsea
RA: Chelsea
League Cup winner:
JL: Liverpool
FK: Man U
RA: Man City
Champions League winner:
JL: Real Madrid
FK: Barcelona
RA: Barcelona
Europa League winner:
JL: PSG
FK: Liverpool (JL - should be docked a point for being ignorant)
RA: Sevilla
Top 2 in Championship:
JL: West Ham, Leicester
FK: West Ham, Leicester
RA: West Ham, Leicester
Forest overall position:
JL: 5th
FK: 5th
RA: 4th
Forest top scorer:
JL: Lewis McGugan
FK: Marcus Tudgay
RA: Robbie Findley
Dele Adebola goals:
JL: 3
FK: 1
RA: 3
Nathan Tyson goals:
JL: 10 (I'm relying on him playing 30 games otherwise this will be wrong)
FK: 4
RA: 2
League 1 winner:
JL: Huddersfield
FK: Carlisle (JL - who were beaten 3-0 at home by Notts County. Fraser should definitely be docked a point now)
RA: Huddersfield
League 2 winner:
JL: Shrewsbury
FK: Northampton
RA: Crawley
Blue Square Prem winner:
JL: Luton
FK: Cambridge (JL - Cramp would be happy)
RA: Luton
And there's more...
As we can't wait until May to see who's the Messi and Bramble of footballing knowledge, we will have a weekly contest. Let me introduce you to:
The Tipster v. The Selly Oak Tramp
We know who the tipster is (Sam Travell), but how will his knowledge be tested against the anonymous tramp? Will the man with the betting know-how emerge triumphant, or will the SOT surprise us all and make Travell look village?
This will be a contest which involves all sports, so some weeks neither will win and on other occasions there will be more than one point available. The victor will be crowned (not literally) in May.
As it's the first week, we will give both players a chance to get on the score-board. The questions are:
What will be the result of the third Test match at Edgbaston?
Tipster: India
Tramp: England
Who will win the final golf major of the year?
Tipster: McIlroy
Tramp: Westwood
Who will be the first try scorer in the England v. Wales match?
Tipster: Whoever plays full-back (JL - will allow this for once because anybody could be playing)
Tramp: Banahan
And the one we all want to know...
How many bogeys will Tiger Woods hit?*
Tipster: 13
Tramp: 11
*Double bogeys only count as 1
P.S. Because of return to Birmingham this evening, the blog was completed on Saturday evening, so anything which happened today has had to be ignored. Hopefully, there is electricity in my house but either way I will get the blog out next week in some capacity. I apologise of course.
In this edition, we have season predictions from our three pundits and I will introduce a weekly contest which will keep you engrossed (and warm) through the winter months. If that isn't enough, we have the usual random chat to try and keep you amused. I hope you enjoy!
Everybody...
wants to leave Newcastle. First it was Jose Enrique and now Joey Barton has forced his way out after he as well used twitter to slag off the management. Funnily enough they are going to ban it now. Barton decided to tell us that he was being allowed to leave, then was training by himself, then was being fined two weeks wages. But he decided to take it out on us by giving us a philosophy lesson on twitter. Apparently, not putting out a cigar in somebody's eye wasn't something he thought about sharing with us.
Everybody...
hates living in Manchester. First we had Carlos 'I wouldn't go there on holiday' Tevez slagging it off, then we had Mairo Balotelli complaining about it (although I believe his comments were taken out of context). Nemanja Vidic also said how it rained a lot when he first arrived here. Maybe that's why Sir Alex Ferguson is always scowling then.
Stoke City... have declared their interest in signing Nicklas Bendtner. In other news, the odds on them being relegated have dramatically shortened.
2:30pm... "Can't wait for the new season to begin." Safe to say I wasn't feeling as optimistic after the match, although the first game back doesn't really tell you anything.
One thing I would just like to point out is: West Ham - Carew, Leicester - Nugent, Forest - McGoldrick. Just saying.
Hall of Lame
Worst opening day defeat? Look no further than two years ago. Norwich City 1-7 Colchester.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xvxi4FDZYRs
Would have been funny if they weren't now a division above Forest.
Ben Foster - Flop of the week
"At the moment, I play my club football, I go home and have time with my family. That's absolutely brilliant. That's how I operate best as a footballer.
"But if something does happen to Joe [Hart], and the manager gives me a call and says 'we're desperate for you to come back in' then I can consider it. I can always consider it."
So basically, you retired from playing for your country because you were fed up of being a number 2, but if suddenly the guy who is better than you gets hurt you think it's fine to just rock up and play. Let us hope Joe Hart never gets injured or dropped then.
Goal-less wonders
Congratulations to the England under-20s who epitomised the art of sexy football by qualifying for the knock-out stages of their World Cup... without a goal being scored in any of their matches. They've been following the Paraguay school of how to win without actually winning, or if Carlsberg did 0-0s...
Fifa joy
I'd gone three weeks without playing on Fifa due to being away, but I returned with the season in February and my bid for Premier League glory hitting a stumbling block. I got through to May, and after a 4-4 draw against Manchester United, I went into the final match against Manchester City, who were 3 points above me, but with an inferior goal difference, knowing I could clinch the title by winning at their stadium.
To say the match was dramatic would be an understatement. An early goal for me was cancelled out soon after. Into the second half, City piled on the pressure, hitting the woodwork, before Carlos Tevez went through on goal, only to be denied by Shay Given (who I signed from them). After the save, I went straight to the other end and scored through Manfredini (a 200lbs beastly black man) to make it 2-1.
Then in stoppage time, City hit the beans on toast (the post) and aftet a mad scramble in the box I somehow got the ball clear and the ref blew his whistle for full-time. Incredibly, as I celebrated my famous victory (which goes down alongside Arsenal's 2-0 win over Liverpool in 1989), I saw the City players were celebrating and mine look dejected. I was fearing the worst, but once the match was finished I checked the table and saw I had indeed come first. Somehow.
Season predictions
Here are the predictions of our three "pundits" this year: myself, Richard 'Dick' Ayling and Fraser 'Pub Quiz' Kesteven. We will reveal the winner at the end of the season, although I may give updates at certain intervals.
As for the points system, there's 1 point for a correct answer. For those where there is one more than answer (e.g. 3 relegated teams) then it is 1 point per correct team and for guessing a number (e.g. number of Torres goals) then it is closest who wins. League goals only.
Premier League winner:
JL: Man U
FK: Man U
RA: Man U
Rest of top 4:
JL: Man City, Chelsea, Liverpool
FK: Chelsea, Man City, Arsenal
RA: Chelsea, Man City, Arsenal
Relegated teams:
JL: Norwich, Wigan, Swansea
FK: Norwich, Wigan, Swansea
RA: Norwich, Wigan, Swansea
Top goal-scorer:
JL: Rooney
FK: Rooney
RA: Rooney
Number of Fernando Torres goals:
JL: 10
FK: 15
RA: 10
Number of Mario Balotelli goals:
JL: 12
FK: 10
RA: 6
Number of Emile Heskey goals:
JL: 4
FK: 1
RA: 3
Number of games Arsenal let a lead slip:
JL: 6
FK: 4
RA: 6
Norwich overall goal-difference:
JL: -15
FK: -28
RA: -21
First managerial casualty:
JL: Alex McLeish
FK: Neil Warnock (JL - hope he's right)
RA: Steve Kean
FA Cup winner:
JL: Spurs
FK: Chelsea
RA: Chelsea
League Cup winner:
JL: Liverpool
FK: Man U
RA: Man City
Champions League winner:
JL: Real Madrid
FK: Barcelona
RA: Barcelona
Europa League winner:
JL: PSG
FK: Liverpool (JL - should be docked a point for being ignorant)
RA: Sevilla
Top 2 in Championship:
JL: West Ham, Leicester
FK: West Ham, Leicester
RA: West Ham, Leicester
Forest overall position:
JL: 5th
FK: 5th
RA: 4th
Forest top scorer:
JL: Lewis McGugan
FK: Marcus Tudgay
RA: Robbie Findley
Dele Adebola goals:
JL: 3
FK: 1
RA: 3
Nathan Tyson goals:
JL: 10 (I'm relying on him playing 30 games otherwise this will be wrong)
FK: 4
RA: 2
League 1 winner:
JL: Huddersfield
FK: Carlisle (JL - who were beaten 3-0 at home by Notts County. Fraser should definitely be docked a point now)
RA: Huddersfield
League 2 winner:
JL: Shrewsbury
FK: Northampton
RA: Crawley
Blue Square Prem winner:
JL: Luton
FK: Cambridge (JL - Cramp would be happy)
RA: Luton
And there's more...
As we can't wait until May to see who's the Messi and Bramble of footballing knowledge, we will have a weekly contest. Let me introduce you to:
The Tipster v. The Selly Oak Tramp
We know who the tipster is (Sam Travell), but how will his knowledge be tested against the anonymous tramp? Will the man with the betting know-how emerge triumphant, or will the SOT surprise us all and make Travell look village?
This will be a contest which involves all sports, so some weeks neither will win and on other occasions there will be more than one point available. The victor will be crowned (not literally) in May.
As it's the first week, we will give both players a chance to get on the score-board. The questions are:
What will be the result of the third Test match at Edgbaston?
Tipster: India
Tramp: England
Who will win the final golf major of the year?
Tipster: McIlroy
Tramp: Westwood
Who will be the first try scorer in the England v. Wales match?
Tipster: Whoever plays full-back (JL - will allow this for once because anybody could be playing)
Tramp: Banahan
And the one we all want to know...
How many bogeys will Tiger Woods hit?*
Tipster: 13
Tramp: 11
*Double bogeys only count as 1
P.S. Because of return to Birmingham this evening, the blog was completed on Saturday evening, so anything which happened today has had to be ignored. Hopefully, there is electricity in my house but either way I will get the blog out next week in some capacity. I apologise of course.
Sunday, 31 July 2011
All hail Super Mario
Hello and welcome to a surprisingly large (and at times witty) edition this week. I have been in a football bubble all week which I like to feel has been reflected here, along with the usual cricket stories. With the football season starting again, I will endeavour to cover as much of it as possible and there should be some predictions to look out for next week as I take on the three other guys I am living with next year to prove who has the greatest football knowledge. And failing that, I will just batter them on Fifa instead...
Balotelli reaches hero status (but is still flop of the week)
We had the bib, we had the gambling, the helping a child who was being bullied. And now we have the back-heel. Oh and don't forget the darts, the parking tickets, the wearing an AC Milan top when playing for Inter. I think you get the idea. Words cannot express how brilliant I think Balotelli is and I hope Roberto Mancini mans up and doesn't sell him. Give me Mario over mopy Carlos any day.
I know it's a week old now, but it's still brilliant. And if for some reason you haven't see the incident, then here it is. And if you have seen it, then here it is again. Even the Yanks commentating can't believe it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7oytEUmlkHo
The funny thing is, nobody mentions what a good pass it was from David Silva. And what if Balotelli had scored? We would all be bowing down to him right now.
Beckham feeling 'sick' as a parrot
It takes a lot to hurt David Beckham. Tattoos don't do it, having a wife who won't touch a carb isn't a problem either. But apparently Becks said he felt sick about the 2018 bid which went tits up. Also this week, he defended Balotelli, saying the striker must have thought he was offside when trying his ridiculous showboating. So for someone as polite as Beckham (who was clearly trying to be nice to Balotelli and feels no shame in calling a child Harper Sevem), to show outrage at Fifa just indicates just how bad they really are.
Arsenal own goal
I know it was a fluke and it's only a friendly. But still, the omens are not good.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kS4cjju_BoA
Elsewhere, the Gunners cocked up so that an American team won the Emirates Cup. Yes, the trophy which they themselves created in order for them to get some silverware and they still couldn't beat a side from a country where football is something like the 4th most popular sport.
I suppose it sums it up well that Thierry Henry was able to come to Arsenal and still win a trophy over one weekend. Maybe Arsenal should follow New York and rename their team Red Bull. After all it's clearly worked for them and we've seen how well Sebastian Vettel's done recently.
Also, Nicklas Bendtner is expected to leave Arsenal to go to Sporting Lisbon. In other news, the Gunners' odds in winning a trophy have been halved.
Jose not so special
We were all thinking it, but it took wantaway left-back Jose Enrique to finally say it:
"The club is allowing all the major players of the team to go. Seriously, do you think it is the fault of the players? Andy [Carroll], nobby [Kevin Nolan] etc etc. This club will never again fight to be among the top six again with this policy,"
"They [the board] don't want spend in [sic] the club and bring quality players that's why everybody go."
"lie all the time".
This is the same Enrique who was given a "massive offer" to stay with the club. I wonder what those who are getting a lot less, but aren't good enough to move elsewhere, think of Newcastle.
El-Hadji Dope
Good news, one of football's nice guys El-Hadji, yes the guy who has trouble keeping saliva in his mouth and was called a 'sewer rat' and the 'lowest of the low' by Neil Warnock (which is ironic) when abusing Jamie Mackie as he was being stretchered off with a double leg break, has been banned for 5 years from playing for Senegal.
Apparently El-Hadji, who is close with the Gaddafis, said African football was corrupt (but clearly not Libya) and when asked to explain what he meant, did not turn up to the meeting which was slightly more than a spits throw away. I'm sure international football won't miss him.
The one thing that I don't get is, why do football boards ask for someone to explain their comments? When Sir Alex Ferguson calls a ref useless, stupid, ugly, a Liverpool supporter and unfit, he is asked by the FA what he meant. Isn't it obvious? You might as well fine him and save the hassle.
Hall of Lame
In honour of Super Mario, here are two other showboats gone wrong:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xzPMvAIrtQs&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x4fsLeCjB4s
Cricketing excitement
Yes, thank you. It was I who predicted England would not win at Lords on the final day, so of course they proved me wrong. And I said Sachin wouldn't hit his hundreth hundred, which Billy Bowden must have heard. I was secretly hoping he would get to 99 then get a horrible LBW decision and not be able to review it. I'm the sort of person who feels victories where you have benefitted from lucky decisions aren't as good as normal, but should India get hard-done by I won't complain because it is there fault.
Moving on to the second Test, I should point out that the impressive performances from Ian Bell and Stuart Broad should be ignored because you can read any newspaper report bowing down to them. I am mainly hear to highlight sporting failures (of which I am an expert on), although I would like to briefly praise India for allowing Bell to come back after tea. If this had been Israel, not only would have Bell not been allowed back, they would have charged him for not leaving the pitch quickly enough, for wasting the third umpire's time, for not eating falafel and for parking illegally in the car park.
Cricket tip no 21: the Harbhajan Singh method of saving a Test match...
Tweet of the week
7 - Despite playing just 32 mins, Mario Balotelli had the most shots (4) & created the joint-most chances (3) v LA Galaxy. Hollywood.
Tweet of the week part 2
@sickipediabot sickipediabot
Q: If God created the top half of a woman, who created the bottom? A: The Council, who else would put a shit-hole next to a play area?
Irrelevant to sport, but I thought it was funny
Comeback of the week
http://bit.ly/oL3g0R - Alan Hansen would not be impressed
Comeback of the week part two
Carrying on my cricketing theme from last week, two of the teams I mentioned have gone on to produce another great match. To see Notts were 27-5 then 69-7 against Lancashire wasn't what I had hoped for, but to then go and win by 129 runs takes some effort. Funnily enough, spinner Graeme White didn't bowl a single delivery in the entire match, but he ended up scoring 86 runs and was only dismissed once. That was more runs than any other player on the pitch. Strange game cricket.
Embarrassing moment of the week
I have just finished my two weeks of work experience at FourFourTwo and on one day I was asked to ring up a few football clubs to see when their kits would be coming out. What I didn't realise was that you have to press 9 for external calls and that pressing 0 takes you down to reception. So imagine the surprise downstairs when some idiot calls them, says he's from FourFourTwo and asks when the Blackburn Rovers kit will be coming out?
Then, when I tried to ring Wigan, I did the same thing again and was put through to the same guy. Eventually I got through and was told Blackburn had no sponsor so a new kit wasn't coming out. So imagine my surprise when I saw this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v6euXX-pkCA
They could have at least kept me abreast of things...
Embarrassing moment of the week part 2
http://bit.ly/poTekj
Most likely incident of the week
Arsenal drawing from 2-0 and 1-0 up inside two days
Most unlikely incident of the week
Fernando Torres scoring
Number of football tops seen in London during my 2 weeks here
Manchester United - 4
Every London team combined - 3
No comment.
Quids up
I love Harry Potter as much as everyone else, but even for me this is too much.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2017581/Harry-Potter-Muggles-magic-alive-real-life-quidditch.html?ito=feeds-newsxml
Cricketing tip no 35: the Harbhajan Singh method of preventing a team-mate from shouting at an umpire... (shame nobody thought to use it on himself)
The week ahead
Sachin Tendulkar and Rahul Dravid both hit double centuries, but a hobbling Jonathan Trott takes a dramatic five-for to leave India needing 10 runs for the last wicket.
Incredibly, Mahendra Singh Dhoni hits the winning run and goes off celebrating, but Ian Bell notices that he has not grounded his bat so decides to run him out. Dhoni is then fined 100% of his match fee for a slow over rate and is banned for the rest of the tour.
Arsenal don't buy a defender.
Chelsea make a bid for Modric.
Another member of the Barcelona team say how much they love Cesc Fabregas.
Joey Barton tweets something ridiculous.
Forest say they don't need a left back.
Sven Goran-Eriksson signs five more players.
Quotes of the week
John W. Henry: "I am delighted to announce that from now on, we will be known as Liverpool Red Bull."
Sven Goran-Eriksson: "Well erm, I would like to welcome Mario to the club."
Victor Valdes: "Cesc is a Barcelona love child and we want him back."
Rory McIlroy: "Tiger is a failed golfer and will never amount to anything."
I suppose there's no shame being called a failed golfer by Rory, not like being called a rubbish goal-scorer by Heskey.
Cricketing tip no 43: the Indian team method of not using technology so that Harbhajan Singh can get a shocking decisionOptaJoe Opta Sports
Balotelli reaches hero status (but is still flop of the week)
We had the bib, we had the gambling, the helping a child who was being bullied. And now we have the back-heel. Oh and don't forget the darts, the parking tickets, the wearing an AC Milan top when playing for Inter. I think you get the idea. Words cannot express how brilliant I think Balotelli is and I hope Roberto Mancini mans up and doesn't sell him. Give me Mario over mopy Carlos any day.
I know it's a week old now, but it's still brilliant. And if for some reason you haven't see the incident, then here it is. And if you have seen it, then here it is again. Even the Yanks commentating can't believe it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7oytEUmlkHo
The funny thing is, nobody mentions what a good pass it was from David Silva. And what if Balotelli had scored? We would all be bowing down to him right now.
Beckham feeling 'sick' as a parrot
It takes a lot to hurt David Beckham. Tattoos don't do it, having a wife who won't touch a carb isn't a problem either. But apparently Becks said he felt sick about the 2018 bid which went tits up. Also this week, he defended Balotelli, saying the striker must have thought he was offside when trying his ridiculous showboating. So for someone as polite as Beckham (who was clearly trying to be nice to Balotelli and feels no shame in calling a child Harper Sevem), to show outrage at Fifa just indicates just how bad they really are.
Arsenal own goal
I know it was a fluke and it's only a friendly. But still, the omens are not good.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kS4cjju_BoA
Elsewhere, the Gunners cocked up so that an American team won the Emirates Cup. Yes, the trophy which they themselves created in order for them to get some silverware and they still couldn't beat a side from a country where football is something like the 4th most popular sport.
I suppose it sums it up well that Thierry Henry was able to come to Arsenal and still win a trophy over one weekend. Maybe Arsenal should follow New York and rename their team Red Bull. After all it's clearly worked for them and we've seen how well Sebastian Vettel's done recently.
Also, Nicklas Bendtner is expected to leave Arsenal to go to Sporting Lisbon. In other news, the Gunners' odds in winning a trophy have been halved.
Jose not so special
We were all thinking it, but it took wantaway left-back Jose Enrique to finally say it:
"The club is allowing all the major players of the team to go. Seriously, do you think it is the fault of the players? Andy [Carroll], nobby [Kevin Nolan] etc etc. This club will never again fight to be among the top six again with this policy,"
"They [the board] don't want spend in [sic] the club and bring quality players that's why everybody go."
"lie all the time".
This is the same Enrique who was given a "massive offer" to stay with the club. I wonder what those who are getting a lot less, but aren't good enough to move elsewhere, think of Newcastle.
El-Hadji Dope
Good news, one of football's nice guys El-Hadji, yes the guy who has trouble keeping saliva in his mouth and was called a 'sewer rat' and the 'lowest of the low' by Neil Warnock (which is ironic) when abusing Jamie Mackie as he was being stretchered off with a double leg break, has been banned for 5 years from playing for Senegal.
Apparently El-Hadji, who is close with the Gaddafis, said African football was corrupt (but clearly not Libya) and when asked to explain what he meant, did not turn up to the meeting which was slightly more than a spits throw away. I'm sure international football won't miss him.
The one thing that I don't get is, why do football boards ask for someone to explain their comments? When Sir Alex Ferguson calls a ref useless, stupid, ugly, a Liverpool supporter and unfit, he is asked by the FA what he meant. Isn't it obvious? You might as well fine him and save the hassle.
Hall of Lame
In honour of Super Mario, here are two other showboats gone wrong:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xzPMvAIrtQs&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x4fsLeCjB4s
Cricketing excitement
Yes, thank you. It was I who predicted England would not win at Lords on the final day, so of course they proved me wrong. And I said Sachin wouldn't hit his hundreth hundred, which Billy Bowden must have heard. I was secretly hoping he would get to 99 then get a horrible LBW decision and not be able to review it. I'm the sort of person who feels victories where you have benefitted from lucky decisions aren't as good as normal, but should India get hard-done by I won't complain because it is there fault.
Moving on to the second Test, I should point out that the impressive performances from Ian Bell and Stuart Broad should be ignored because you can read any newspaper report bowing down to them. I am mainly hear to highlight sporting failures (of which I am an expert on), although I would like to briefly praise India for allowing Bell to come back after tea. If this had been Israel, not only would have Bell not been allowed back, they would have charged him for not leaving the pitch quickly enough, for wasting the third umpire's time, for not eating falafel and for parking illegally in the car park.
Cricket tip no 21: the Harbhajan Singh method of saving a Test match...
Tweet of the week
7 - Despite playing just 32 mins, Mario Balotelli had the most shots (4) & created the joint-most chances (3) v LA Galaxy. Hollywood.
Tweet of the week part 2
@sickipediabot sickipediabot
Q: If God created the top half of a woman, who created the bottom? A: The Council, who else would put a shit-hole next to a play area?
Irrelevant to sport, but I thought it was funny
Comeback of the week
http://bit.ly/oL3g0R - Alan Hansen would not be impressed
Comeback of the week part two
Carrying on my cricketing theme from last week, two of the teams I mentioned have gone on to produce another great match. To see Notts were 27-5 then 69-7 against Lancashire wasn't what I had hoped for, but to then go and win by 129 runs takes some effort. Funnily enough, spinner Graeme White didn't bowl a single delivery in the entire match, but he ended up scoring 86 runs and was only dismissed once. That was more runs than any other player on the pitch. Strange game cricket.
Embarrassing moment of the week
I have just finished my two weeks of work experience at FourFourTwo and on one day I was asked to ring up a few football clubs to see when their kits would be coming out. What I didn't realise was that you have to press 9 for external calls and that pressing 0 takes you down to reception. So imagine the surprise downstairs when some idiot calls them, says he's from FourFourTwo and asks when the Blackburn Rovers kit will be coming out?
Then, when I tried to ring Wigan, I did the same thing again and was put through to the same guy. Eventually I got through and was told Blackburn had no sponsor so a new kit wasn't coming out. So imagine my surprise when I saw this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v6euXX-pkCA
They could have at least kept me abreast of things...
Embarrassing moment of the week part 2
http://bit.ly/poTekj
Most likely incident of the week
Arsenal drawing from 2-0 and 1-0 up inside two days
Most unlikely incident of the week
Fernando Torres scoring
Number of football tops seen in London during my 2 weeks here
Manchester United - 4
Every London team combined - 3
No comment.
Quids up
I love Harry Potter as much as everyone else, but even for me this is too much.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2017581/Harry-Potter-Muggles-magic-alive-real-life-quidditch.html?ito=feeds-newsxml
Cricketing tip no 35: the Harbhajan Singh method of preventing a team-mate from shouting at an umpire... (shame nobody thought to use it on himself)
The week ahead
Sachin Tendulkar and Rahul Dravid both hit double centuries, but a hobbling Jonathan Trott takes a dramatic five-for to leave India needing 10 runs for the last wicket.
Incredibly, Mahendra Singh Dhoni hits the winning run and goes off celebrating, but Ian Bell notices that he has not grounded his bat so decides to run him out. Dhoni is then fined 100% of his match fee for a slow over rate and is banned for the rest of the tour.
Arsenal don't buy a defender.
Chelsea make a bid for Modric.
Another member of the Barcelona team say how much they love Cesc Fabregas.
Joey Barton tweets something ridiculous.
Forest say they don't need a left back.
Sven Goran-Eriksson signs five more players.
Quotes of the week
John W. Henry: "I am delighted to announce that from now on, we will be known as Liverpool Red Bull."
Sven Goran-Eriksson: "Well erm, I would like to welcome Mario to the club."
Victor Valdes: "Cesc is a Barcelona love child and we want him back."
Rory McIlroy: "Tiger is a failed golfer and will never amount to anything."
I suppose there's no shame being called a failed golfer by Rory, not like being called a rubbish goal-scorer by Heskey.
Cricketing tip no 43: the Indian team method of not using technology so that Harbhajan Singh can get a shocking decisionOptaJoe Opta Sports
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