Asamoah Gyan - consumate politician
"I'm really happy to be here. Al-Ain is an important club and this is a big challenge for me. There will be a lot of expectations on me, but not pressure.
"Everybody who has seen me in the World Cup and at Sunderland knows what I am capable of, but this is a new challenge for me as I'm a new player here.
"We have quality players in the club to win games and do well in the championships. We will try to build a winning team."
With bollocks like this maybe Gyan should follow fellow African George Weah into politics. After all, he is clearly a brilliant liar. Going to the UAE is not a challenge it's a way of life.
Sion want to arrest Platini
After being kicked out of the Europa League for fielding players who were not registed in a match against Celtic, Sion, instead of showing their gratitude for getting their Thursday nights back, decided to hit back at Uefa despite being warned beforehand what would happen. My favourite line was when it was suggested that Uefa President Michel Platini should be arrested. As impossible as that would be, they should be promised a spot in the Champions League if they were to pull it off. I mean, it's not as if Frenchman Platini would put up much resistance is there?
Be careful what you wish for Fernando
It's funny, before the Man U v. Chelsea match I had my bit for Fernando Torres written and ready. And then he scored, so in my mind I was thinking about changing it to something else. And then, he produced some nice skill to take the ball around David de Gea and I was preparing to scrap everything I had written about him. And then... well it can happen to the best of us (or even me). So after all that, I have kept exactly what I wrote about Torres from the start which is starting to look quite insightful right now, much more so than Gary Neville who said Stoke were great at defending (then conceded four against Sunderland of all teams) and said Nicolas Anelka would definitely start.
"When I changed club, I knew it was going to be a slow process, although I didn't expect it to be so long.
"Chelsea is, between the English teams, maybe the least English. That's because of the kind of player Chelsea has – an older player, who plays very slow, who has a lot of possession, and that's what the club is trying to change now.
"It's normal that it takes some time; it's not easy to find midfielders because the best are already in the best teams and that's why I said that the arrival of [Juan ] Mata is going to give another pace to the team.
"Daniel Sturridge, who has been ruled out for some matches, is also an incredible player, maybe the one that surprised me the most since I came here."
So Torres wants Mata and Sturridge to play in the Chelsea team. I assume in another week Didier Drogba will come straight back into the team as well and let's not forget Florent Malouda, Nicolas Anelka and Romelu Lukaku as well. So, where does that leave you in the team Fernando?
Chelsea rip-off
Bayer Leverkusen gave their fans a €20 discount for their match against Chelsea because their tickets were took expensive. Says it all really. Then again, Forest charged £33 for the Derby match. No wonder the fans aren't happy.
Italian Soccer Saturday
You think Phil Thompson is biased? Well you might want to think again after you watch this. Never have two goals been celebrated in such ridiculous fashion. I reckon if AC win the Champions League this guy will have a heart attack.
http://www.whoateallthepies.tv/champions_league/87176/tiziano-crudelis-heart-almost-explodes-watching-milan-vs-barcelona-video.html - funniest thing in the history of everything
Also, once I'd got back on Saturday I tuned in for the second half of Soccer Saturday with Jeff and the lads. As if I needed reminding about how brilliant the show is, Paul Merson was teased by Jeff for believing Stracqualursi had come on, but he couldn't pronounce his name. "He's got to have a nickname," bemoaned Merse. In fact, it was Valios who had come on.
Then, when Everton scored their second goal, he said the guy whose name he couldn't pronounce had scored. Then after describing the goal in detail he added, "Oh wait, it's Valios who scored." Cue widespread laughter in the studio. This was followed quickly after by a Wigan attack... "He's hit the beans on toast, I mean the crossbar. Come back to me in an hour."
Jeff then went to Chris Kamara. "Unbelievable Jeff," Kammy started. For those who were doing the drinking game, I hope you have now recovered. For me, it made Forest's defeat a bit easier to swallow.
A winner of a spinner just next door
England v. India:
Amit Mishra - 3 wickets at an average of 106.66
Harbhajan Singh - 2 wickets at an average of 143.5
Meanwhile, at Surrey, in four matches at the back-end of the season Pragyan Ohja took 24 wickets at an average of 12.95 as the Lions got promoted.
Nice to see the selectors are doing a good job. And India, thanks for coming.
Pink with envy
September 9 (three days before the match against Glamorgan): Kent director of cricket Paul Farbrace - "When Twenty20 started people said 'it's all a load of rubbish' and 'it's just pub cricket played by professionals'. Now it's the life blood of cricket and it's played all over the world.
"If in 10 years' time there is floodlit cricket played over four or five days and far more people are watching the game, we can look back and say we played a major part of that at Kent Cricket Club."
September 16 (1 day after losing by 8 wickets): Geraint Jones - "In terms of us playing county cricket with a pink ball, not in my lifetime I don't think.
"The balls made it a one-sided contest, heavily in favour of the batsmen.
"You couldn't play all year with a pink ball like that. It'd be the end of so many bowlers."
Farbace: "Let's go back to the red ball and white ball. I don't like it.
I'm sure it had nothing to do with the fact that they had lost the match. And as for the ball favouring batsman, how come Kent managed to lose 20 wickets if it was going to 'be the end of so many bowlers'?
Messi fantasy football
After watching Barcelona's 8-0 victory over Osasuna it made me think. How much would Lionel Messi cost on a La Liga fantasy football? Would you even be able to afford another player?
Rug of war
We are already two weeks through the World Cup, no side has played well (except Ireland) and we still have another fortnight until the group stages are over. Let's hope things pick up a bit in the near future.
In other news, the team I have decided to lend my support to, Tonga, lost 25-20 to Canada. Just as long as they beat France.
Flop(ianski) of the week
An impossible decision between Forest and Torres. I suppose anyone can do a Torres, but to be a goal up and a man up after five minutes and still lose to your biggest rivals at home takes some beating.
Also, Somerset deserve a mention for being runners-up in five competitions over the last season, winning none.
As for Arsenal's defending, I'm fed up of slagging them off. Their fans are suffering enough and I count myself as someone who wants to see them do well.
Hall of Lame
I suppose the last time I was this embarrassed by Forest was the infamous Barry Roche coffee cup incident. For those who are unaware http://www.bbc.co.uk/derby/rams/2004/forest/coffee_cup.shtml
Weekly contest: Tipster v. Tramp
Here are all the predictions which were still ongoing last week:
Who will win the US Open?
Tipster: Nadal
Tramp: Djokovic
Result: Djokovic
How many sets will Novak Djokovic lose in the entire two weeks at Flushing Meadows?
Tipster: 8
Tramp: 5
Result: 4
And the one we all want to know...
What will be the result of the Forest v. Derby match?
Tipster: 3-2 Derby
Tramp: 2-1 Forest
Result: 2-1 Derby
Which means, after dominating the tennis predictions the Tramp adds another two points to his/her/its total, but a good football prediction from the Tipster means the score is tighter than it could have been. At the moment, the Tramp leads 5-3, with two rugby predictions ongoing. It's early doors, but the Tipster is being made to look foolish already.
This week's predictions
Who will be top scorer for England in Friday's T20 match v. West Indies
Tipster: Bairstow
Tramp: Kieswetter
And the one we all want to know...
How many goals will Chelsea score against Swansea?
Tipster: 3
Tramp: 2
The week ahead
More controversy in New Zealand where the England rugby team are seen playing ten-pin bowling with dwarves being used as bowling balls. Mike Tindall is then caught in bed with Imogen Thomas.
Kenny Dalglish, Sir Alex Ferguson and Jose Mourinho start their own campaign to investigate supposed conspiracy theories to stop them from winning matches.
Forest go into half-time of their match against Newcastle on Tuesday 3-0 up with their opponents down to 8 men. And the full-time result is... Forest 4-1 Newcastle. Ok, even they aren't bad enough to lose from there.
Quotes of the week
Cristiano Ronaldo - "I think that because I am rich, handsome and a great player people are envious of me." Tell me about it mate.
Arsene Wenger - "We conceded four fewer goals than our last away match in the league. That must be seen as an improvement." Ok, I couldn't resist one dig.
Harry Redknapp - "Absolutely t'riffic. Scotty Parker is the new Zidane and Luka should be playing for Barcelona."
And on that bombshell...
http://t.co/aMrOEUTo - Great quote at the end, but not from Mayweather.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KLebOIDBGeA - Quality disallowed goal
http://t.co/whFD6YZS - Divine intervention? Umm no
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/cricket/14895636.stm - the new Geoffrey Boycott?
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