After a two week hiatus I have returned with all the promise and hype of Kevin Keegan managing Newcastle or Alan Shearer managing Newcastle or Sir Bobby Robson (RIP) managing Newcastle or Joe Kinnear umm maybe not. However, unlike some of those listed, I hope I have managed to live up to all expectations with my effort this week. Like a certain Mario Balotelli did...
Transfer deadline day round-upUnfortunately I was on holiday during the last week so I came back only to realise that virtually every team seemed to have changed remarkably from when I had left. Except Forest that is. Here is my round-up of the transfer window:
The bolting the barn door award for doing business when it was too late goes to... Arsenal
The it's Christmas Eve and I've not got any gifts award for making a late dash to sign a host of players goes to... QPR
The smug bastard award for conducting all their transfer business early before enjoying watching the others scramble at the last minute goes to... Manchester United
The every Derby County fan is a sheepshagger award for playing up to their stereotype is... Stoke City (after signing Peter Crouch)
The it's blatantly obvious that I want to be manager of Manchester United award goes to... Steve Bruce
The get rich or die trying award (sponsored by 50 Cent) goes to... Leicester City
The Aloe Blacc award for desperately needing a dollar goes to... Everton
The Tottenham Hotspur feeder club award goes to... Stoke City (followed by Aston Villa)
The Arsenal feeder club award goes to... Tottenham Hotspur
The I told you so award goes to... Emmanuel Adebayor, who didn't go to Real Madrid, as I went on about earlier on in the year
The Peter Moores and Kevin Pietersen award for a partnership which is not going to end well goes to... Joey Barton and Neil Warnock - or at least, I hope that's the case
The RBS award for taking the money then not giving it back goes to... Mike Ashley
The Colonel Gaddafi award for being the most wanted man alive goes to... Peter Crouch as agents fight over to get the 10% he pays them following his move to a different club every year
What will really happen between now and Euro 2012It wasn't inspiring, but England, somehow, are only one point away from making Euro 2012 thanks to Rob Earnshaw's miss.
Assuming (should never use that word), that England do qualify, we will once again be on the verge of another tournament where everyone says we have a chance of winning it if Lampard and Gerrard learn to play together, Terry doesn't shag Rooney's wife and Capello is swapped for Sven.
But what will really happen between now and the start of the tournament? Let me look into my crystal ball.
England are 1-0 down in Montenegro, but Lampard hits a shot through the side netting which ends up in the goal. The Italian referee, Stuenzo Attwellio, says it was legitimate and England hang on to qualify.
Friendlies against Holland and Spain are lined up. Against the Dutch, England lose 2-0 with 9 men after having five people stretchered off from challenges by Nigel de Jong.
Against Spain, they are two-nil up courtesy of Young and Walcott, but Fernando Torres scores twice and Lionel Messi, who has defected because he wasn't being appreciated in Argentina, hits the winner.
2012:
Theo Walcott, writing in his second autobiography, Hitting Puberty, says how angry he is not to be considered as a striker any more and eventually retires from international football with what is probably the most number of England caps without ever being to a tournament.
Andy Carroll is put in hospital due to drinking excessive alcohol. His manager, Kenny Dalglish, still maintains that he doesn't have a drinking problem. In his place, Capello calls up Heskey with no other options available as all other strikers have retired from international football. After bundling in the winner in a friendly against Andorra, it is impossible to leave him out again.
Capello brings in David Beckham as his translator. During a training session Beckham impresses Capello so much that he is now irreplacable in the squad.
Beckham breaks a metatarsal playing for QPR (who he joined after his former club, Leicester City, went bust). The country holds it's breath as Beckham tries to desperately regain fitness in time for the start of the tournament.
John Terry shags Gareth Barry's wife so he pulls out of the squad. Terry becomes a national hero.
It is then discovered that Terry is actually the father of Beckham's daughter, Harper Seven. At once, he is dropped as captain and replaced by Beckham.
Joey Barton makes fun of Wayne Rooney's new mullet hairstyle and the pair end up getting in a fight on the streets. Result? Rooney is to be in prison during the tournament for GBH.
In a surprise move, Rooney is given early release after one week, just before Capello names his squad for the tournament. He is part of the 23 man squad alongside Barton (plus a couple of other surprises)
First match of the tournament...
Starting XI: Hart; Smalling, Terry, Campbell, Bridge; Beckham, Lampard, Barton, Gerrard; Rooney, Heskey
What happens from then on is anybody's guess.
But speaking of early international retirements:
Lampard - "One thing I do know is that, while I can give everything, I will give everything. And the only time I would probably not play for England is when the manager doesn't want pick me any more - which can happen - or whether I find it a lot more beneficial for me in terms of my long-term career that I don't want to play, and I'm certainly not near that."
So basically, if he's not in the starting eleven, he will be willing to quit to prolong his time at Chelsea. Or am I mis-understanding him?
Fifa farce
There was a fight in the Spain v. Chile match which the World Champions won 3-2 after a controversial stoppage time penalty. All this was on Fifa's Fair Play day. I suppose that's how serious we all take Fifa these days.
Sunderland are Gyan doing the table
It's the news all football fans fear. You're star striker fleeing to the UAE for more money, only to be replaced up front by... Nicklas Bendtner.
Strictly knock-out
As somebody who isn't a great fan of dancing, unless I'm throwing some shapes Inbetweeners' style (yes I know I look like one of them, as some random guy told me in town on Thursday), the only reason to see who is in the new series of Strictly Come Dancing is to see which sportsmen will be taking part. And, let's be honest, to see who all the guys will be perving over, which on this occasion will be Holly Valance.
So it was to my disappointment that I saw Robbie Savage and Audley Harrison were the ones who had chosen to take part. So we have the guy everybody hates v. the guy everyone laughs at. But which is which?
More importantly, who would win in a fight?
Judging by this video, Savage clearly hasn't got much of a chin and when he wants to, Audley can seriously hurt his opponents. Verdict: After 3 rounds of gentle sparring, it's an Audley win by knockout.
And as for the dancing? I think I'm backing Savage on that one.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QbCuYuYlozA
Mario land
I know you've probably heard about these already, but if you haven't, well that's what I'm here for. Thank you Mario for being a hero.
http://www.metro.co.uk/sport/oddballs/865448-mario-balotelli-named-in-police-report-involving-mafia-tours-of-napoli
http://www.metro.co.uk/sport/oddballs/874501-mario-balotelli-busted-fiddling-with-ipad-while-on-italy-substitutes-bench
Flop of the week
In my only reference to the athletics which I missed most of (not really my thing), I should mention the 4x100m sprint team who once again dropped a clanger, or maybe that's just the sound the baton makes it when it hits the floor.
But something even more embarrassing happened this week...
He was good for Forest, but what happened to goal machine Rob Earnshaw? The slayer of Derby, Leicester and other teams nobody cares about couldn't even tap in from five yards.
He joins a long list of people who have suffered similar fates...
Hall of Lame
Including... Chris Iwelumo. Here we have another Championship striker missing a sitter on International duty.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RqkShPKgAbw
Bring back Dele
Another disappointing defeat for Forest with another set-piece goal conceded. I think we are missing a bit of a presence in the side. Now, who could we bring in that is big, strong and good at heading?
Lawrie goes all Hollywood
2007 - Lawrie Sanchez left Northern Ireland to go and manage Fulham. Fair enough, you say, it's hard to turn down a decent Premier League side.
2009 - "The fact that I left Northern Ireland at the time that I did is the one major regret of my managerial career."
"I loved my time with Northern Ireland and I'd like to finish off what I started."
2011- "Nigel (Worthington) has had enough cracks at it. Everybody sees the writing is on the wall.
"He is not doing an exceptional job. It's not happening.
"It has got worse rather than better. Everybody realises it is time for a change."
Sanchez said he would consider managing Northern Ireland again should the Irish Football Association decide to sack Worthington.
"I have always said I would like to finish what I started," he told Radio Ulster. "I would like the opportunity. I would like to return to Northern Ireland in the future."
Right, you leave your country to manage Fulham then things go badly there and you get sacked. So then, you wait until Northern Ireland start losing and keep saying you should be put back in charge.
I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that he is now manager of League Two Barnet (no disrespect). But there is something ominous at the way he keeps talking about finishing what he started. It's not like the Northern Ireland team has changed in the last four years or anything...
Unbelievable Jeff!
Having completed Jeff Stelling's book, Jellyman's Thrown a Wobbly, on holiday, I thought I should write a quick review. And when I say review, I mean say what a fine piece of work it is.
If you enjoy watch Soccer Saturday, whether every week or on the odd occasion, then this is certainly a book you should read. It contains lots of great insight into the life of Jeff, including his quotes, his drinking game, his journey into broadcasting and his relationship with the pundits on the show.
But more than that, it really highlights how a show, which is, in Jeff's words, you (the viewer) watching four guys watch football, has earned cult status amongst football fans.
I really enjoyed the book and am sure that it will be revisited some time in the future when in need of a light read and a good laugh.
Rugby World Cup
It's that time every four years where I try and pretend that I know something about rugby, which I clearly don't. My last taste of rugby must have been in Year 8 when we were so bad that we rarely evolved to anything past touch rugby, although it provided one brilliant moment when one player started celebrating a try before putting the ball down, only to see himself aggresively "tackled" by an opponent, thus robbing him of his glory. Great times.
So far I have not been able to watch any of the tournament so I was fortunate to miss England's uninspiring win against Argentina.
It's amazing that during the football equivalent last summer I was rooting for New Zealand to win and now 14 months on, I just want to see them choke and lose. Admittedly, I still want the French to lose badly, really, really badly.
The best thing about these tournaments is picking a minnow side who you want to do well. Out of all the teams I can see, I am going to root for Tonga for the simple reason that I want them to beat France.
For those who will be getting up early to watch the matches, good luck. Here's hoping you are rewarded more than in the football last year, which was about as inspiring as an Avram Grant team-talk.
Flushing hell
America, we are often told, is the richest country on earth, a superpower unmatched by all others. But clearly, nobody told the organisers at the US Open who let the courts get flooded by rain because they don't have any covers, then get staff to go around with cloths trying to mop it up. I suppose this is what you would expect of tennis tournaments... when Fred Perry was playing.
And if that wasn't enough, in a desperation to get the players back on of the courts, they tried to cover up a crack in the surface which was leaking water with some tape. Sadly enough, Flushing Meadows is run more like a student household than a Grand Slam.
On the court, we saw Andy Murray celebrate after coming through two matches in two days only to face Rafa Nadal. I always find it strange how much Murray seems to enjoy beating the lesser lights because he knows what's going to happen in the semi final.
Watching him shout at himself after every bad shot becomes a bit annoying after a while. But I feel sorry for the poor ball boys who have to hand him his towel while he tells them what a rubbish return he just hit. I'm just waiting for one of them to tell him, "yeah, that was crap mate." Maybe that would quieten Murray up.
As for Djokovic... this is becoming ridiculous. Stop it.
Pipe down Pakistan
A New Zealand beer advert from former cricket Daryl Tuffey has annoyed Pakistan for referring to the match fixing scandal. All I can say is I hope it has. Why are we playing them again so soon I have no idea, but I hope we whitewash them in all forms of the game this winter.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/cricket/14788041.stm
Weekly predictions: Tipster v. the Selly Oak Tramp
Last predictions before the break...
Who will win the US Open?
Tipster: Nadal
Tramp: Djokovic
Result: Both are in the final
First goal-scorer in Manchester United v. Arsenal match?
Tipster: Van Persie
Tramp: Nani
Result: Welbeck
How many sets will Novak Djokovic lose in the entire two weeks at Flushing Meadows?
Tipster: 8
Tramp: 5
Result: Currently 3
The two tennis predictions will go on to next week. At the moment it is Tramp 3-2 Tipster
This week's predictions
Who will win the Rugby World Cup?
Tipster: New Zealand
Tramp: New Zealand
How well will England do in the tournament?
Tipster: 3rd
Tramp: 4th
And the one we all want to know...
What will be the result of the Forest v. Derby match?
Tipster: 3-2 Derby
Tramp: 2-1 Forest
http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/video/2011/sep/07/al-ahly-amir-sayoud-misses-penalty-video?CMP=twt_gu
http://www.people.co.uk/news/uk-world-news/2011/09/04/newcastle-united-owner-mike-ashley-s-full-monty-strip-in-a-chinese-restaurant-102039-23394181/ - The pride of Newcastle
http://www.rafabenitez.com/web/index.php?idioma=in - the best thing on the internet. Fact.And on that bombshell...
http://twitpic.com/6i1spv - This sums up why I love Iniesta. Would you see Cashley and Terry doing this?
No comments:
Post a Comment