Hello and welcome to a surprisingly large (and at times witty) edition this week. I have been in a football bubble all week which I like to feel has been reflected here, along with the usual cricket stories. With the football season starting again, I will endeavour to cover as much of it as possible and there should be some predictions to look out for next week as I take on the three other guys I am living with next year to prove who has the greatest football knowledge. And failing that, I will just batter them on Fifa instead...
Balotelli reaches hero status (but is still flop of the week)
We had the bib, we had the gambling, the helping a child who was being bullied. And now we have the back-heel. Oh and don't forget the darts, the parking tickets, the wearing an AC Milan top when playing for Inter. I think you get the idea. Words cannot express how brilliant I think Balotelli is and I hope Roberto Mancini mans up and doesn't sell him. Give me Mario over mopy Carlos any day.
I know it's a week old now, but it's still brilliant. And if for some reason you haven't see the incident, then here it is. And if you have seen it, then here it is again. Even the Yanks commentating can't believe it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7oytEUmlkHo
The funny thing is, nobody mentions what a good pass it was from David Silva. And what if Balotelli had scored? We would all be bowing down to him right now.
Beckham feeling 'sick' as a parrot
It takes a lot to hurt David Beckham. Tattoos don't do it, having a wife who won't touch a carb isn't a problem either. But apparently Becks said he felt sick about the 2018 bid which went tits up. Also this week, he defended Balotelli, saying the striker must have thought he was offside when trying his ridiculous showboating. So for someone as polite as Beckham (who was clearly trying to be nice to Balotelli and feels no shame in calling a child Harper Sevem), to show outrage at Fifa just indicates just how bad they really are.
Arsenal own goal
I know it was a fluke and it's only a friendly. But still, the omens are not good.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kS4cjju_BoA
Elsewhere, the Gunners cocked up so that an American team won the Emirates Cup. Yes, the trophy which they themselves created in order for them to get some silverware and they still couldn't beat a side from a country where football is something like the 4th most popular sport.
I suppose it sums it up well that Thierry Henry was able to come to Arsenal and still win a trophy over one weekend. Maybe Arsenal should follow New York and rename their team Red Bull. After all it's clearly worked for them and we've seen how well Sebastian Vettel's done recently.
Also, Nicklas Bendtner is expected to leave Arsenal to go to Sporting Lisbon. In other news, the Gunners' odds in winning a trophy have been halved.
Jose not so special
We were all thinking it, but it took wantaway left-back Jose Enrique to finally say it:
"The club is allowing all the major players of the team to go. Seriously, do you think it is the fault of the players? Andy [Carroll], nobby [Kevin Nolan] etc etc. This club will never again fight to be among the top six again with this policy,"
"They [the board] don't want spend in [sic] the club and bring quality players that's why everybody go."
"lie all the time".
This is the same Enrique who was given a "massive offer" to stay with the club. I wonder what those who are getting a lot less, but aren't good enough to move elsewhere, think of Newcastle.
El-Hadji Dope
Good news, one of football's nice guys El-Hadji, yes the guy who has trouble keeping saliva in his mouth and was called a 'sewer rat' and the 'lowest of the low' by Neil Warnock (which is ironic) when abusing Jamie Mackie as he was being stretchered off with a double leg break, has been banned for 5 years from playing for Senegal.
Apparently El-Hadji, who is close with the Gaddafis, said African football was corrupt (but clearly not Libya) and when asked to explain what he meant, did not turn up to the meeting which was slightly more than a spits throw away. I'm sure international football won't miss him.
The one thing that I don't get is, why do football boards ask for someone to explain their comments? When Sir Alex Ferguson calls a ref useless, stupid, ugly, a Liverpool supporter and unfit, he is asked by the FA what he meant. Isn't it obvious? You might as well fine him and save the hassle.
Hall of Lame
In honour of Super Mario, here are two other showboats gone wrong:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xzPMvAIrtQs&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x4fsLeCjB4s
Cricketing excitement
Yes, thank you. It was I who predicted England would not win at Lords on the final day, so of course they proved me wrong. And I said Sachin wouldn't hit his hundreth hundred, which Billy Bowden must have heard. I was secretly hoping he would get to 99 then get a horrible LBW decision and not be able to review it. I'm the sort of person who feels victories where you have benefitted from lucky decisions aren't as good as normal, but should India get hard-done by I won't complain because it is there fault.
Moving on to the second Test, I should point out that the impressive performances from Ian Bell and Stuart Broad should be ignored because you can read any newspaper report bowing down to them. I am mainly hear to highlight sporting failures (of which I am an expert on), although I would like to briefly praise India for allowing Bell to come back after tea. If this had been Israel, not only would have Bell not been allowed back, they would have charged him for not leaving the pitch quickly enough, for wasting the third umpire's time, for not eating falafel and for parking illegally in the car park.
Cricket tip no 21: the Harbhajan Singh method of saving a Test match...
Tweet of the week
7 - Despite playing just 32 mins, Mario Balotelli had the most shots (4) & created the joint-most chances (3) v LA Galaxy. Hollywood.
Tweet of the week part 2
@sickipediabot sickipediabot
Q: If God created the top half of a woman, who created the bottom? A: The Council, who else would put a shit-hole next to a play area?
Irrelevant to sport, but I thought it was funny
Comeback of the week
http://bit.ly/oL3g0R - Alan Hansen would not be impressed
Comeback of the week part two
Carrying on my cricketing theme from last week, two of the teams I mentioned have gone on to produce another great match. To see Notts were 27-5 then 69-7 against Lancashire wasn't what I had hoped for, but to then go and win by 129 runs takes some effort. Funnily enough, spinner Graeme White didn't bowl a single delivery in the entire match, but he ended up scoring 86 runs and was only dismissed once. That was more runs than any other player on the pitch. Strange game cricket.
Embarrassing moment of the week
I have just finished my two weeks of work experience at FourFourTwo and on one day I was asked to ring up a few football clubs to see when their kits would be coming out. What I didn't realise was that you have to press 9 for external calls and that pressing 0 takes you down to reception. So imagine the surprise downstairs when some idiot calls them, says he's from FourFourTwo and asks when the Blackburn Rovers kit will be coming out?
Then, when I tried to ring Wigan, I did the same thing again and was put through to the same guy. Eventually I got through and was told Blackburn had no sponsor so a new kit wasn't coming out. So imagine my surprise when I saw this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v6euXX-pkCA
They could have at least kept me abreast of things...
Embarrassing moment of the week part 2
http://bit.ly/poTekj
Most likely incident of the week
Arsenal drawing from 2-0 and 1-0 up inside two days
Most unlikely incident of the week
Fernando Torres scoring
Number of football tops seen in London during my 2 weeks here
Manchester United - 4
Every London team combined - 3
No comment.
Quids up
I love Harry Potter as much as everyone else, but even for me this is too much.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2017581/Harry-Potter-Muggles-magic-alive-real-life-quidditch.html?ito=feeds-newsxml
Cricketing tip no 35: the Harbhajan Singh method of preventing a team-mate from shouting at an umpire... (shame nobody thought to use it on himself)
The week ahead
Sachin Tendulkar and Rahul Dravid both hit double centuries, but a hobbling Jonathan Trott takes a dramatic five-for to leave India needing 10 runs for the last wicket.
Incredibly, Mahendra Singh Dhoni hits the winning run and goes off celebrating, but Ian Bell notices that he has not grounded his bat so decides to run him out. Dhoni is then fined 100% of his match fee for a slow over rate and is banned for the rest of the tour.
Arsenal don't buy a defender.
Chelsea make a bid for Modric.
Another member of the Barcelona team say how much they love Cesc Fabregas.
Joey Barton tweets something ridiculous.
Forest say they don't need a left back.
Sven Goran-Eriksson signs five more players.
Quotes of the week
John W. Henry: "I am delighted to announce that from now on, we will be known as Liverpool Red Bull."
Sven Goran-Eriksson: "Well erm, I would like to welcome Mario to the club."
Victor Valdes: "Cesc is a Barcelona love child and we want him back."
Rory McIlroy: "Tiger is a failed golfer and will never amount to anything."
I suppose there's no shame being called a failed golfer by Rory, not like being called a rubbish goal-scorer by Heskey.
Cricketing tip no 43: the Indian team method of not using technology so that Harbhajan Singh can get a shocking decisionOptaJoe Opta Sports
Sunday 31 July 2011
Sunday 24 July 2011
I don't like cricket, oh wait, I do
Joel Campbell rejecting Arsenal
I think it says everything about what is going wrong at Arsenal when a 19-year-old Costa Rican player turns you down. Still, that hasn't stopped Wenger from making bids for 17-year-old Romelu Lukaku (who is incredible on Fifa) and Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, who is, unsurprisingly, also 17. In other news, a bid for Phil Jagielka, who is, surprisingly, not a teenager, was rejected on the grounds that it was £2 million less than was offered last year. So clearly not a serious bid then.
Mohamed Bin Hammered
One-time Fifa Presidential candidate (he never made it to voting) Mohamed Bin Hammam has been found guilty of trying to bribe officials to vote for him. No, really?! Trying to prove his innocene, Hammam said that Fifa had it out for him and were going to find him guilty. So nothing to do with the fact that somebody took photos of money used to bribe the heads of Caribbean football. It was all just one big conspiracy. Admittedly, Jack Warner decided to quit so he could not be charged and Sepp Blatter is clearly incorruptible so there is no issue there (after all, friends of Robert Mugabe couldn't be evil). Let us hope that Mohamed is bin-bagged and sent back to Qatar and we never have to hear from him again. Once his appeal has failed that is.
Tevez not leaving
In the latest 'no shit Sherlock' moment, we found out that Carlos Tevez isn't going to Corinthians. Did not see that coming.
Manu boo hoo
This week Emmanuel Adebayor was sent to play with the reserves after not being selected for Manchester City's tour of the US. So he complained about it. Then he was told to train with the youth team. It's not like Roberto Mancini failed to understand what Manu was saying, as anyone who watched him as a pundit during the World Cup would acknowledge.
Adebayor had a great time at Real Madrid last season apparently. He just wants us all to know that. As he said, he's prepared to wait until August 31st to seal his dream move. He might as well wait until August 2045 because it's not going to happen, not that I want to be the one who tells him this.
You can just picture the scene now: August 31
(Adebayor is in his sitting room, holding a Ronaldo toy tightly and eyeing up the phone. In walks Garry Cook).
Adebayor: Ooh, ooh Garry, any news from Jose?
Cook: Sorry Manu, I've heard nothing.
Adebayor: But he will call, I know he will call, Jose won't let me down.
Cook: We've had an offer from Tottenham, We were hoping you would go to them and get paid £100,000 to sit on their bench and mope.
Adebayor: Spurs?! Even I managed to score against them.
Cook: Yes, but if you actually put some effort in when you play Arsenal and score against them for their biggest rivals, then you will piss them off even more.
Adebayor: The only team in white I will go to is Madrid. Now shush, I'm trying to listen to the phone in case Jose calls.
A tweet by Rory McIlroy
http://www.mobypicture.com/user/McIlroyRory/view/10169451
Northern Ireland the last couple of months must have been a great place to go out!
Hall of Lame
I was thinking about part-time bowlers taking wickets when I saw Mahendra Singh Dhoni trundle in during the first Test match, so this week, unfortunately, we have to revisit one of my least favourite wickets of all time. We may all dislike Ricky Ponting, but sometimes I wonder why he didn't become an all rounder.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=heWw_Tp5cf0
Still, it's nothing on Michael Vaughan bowling Sachin Tendulkar.
Cricket shining through
As if this Test match hasn't been good enough, it has been a glorious week for cricket watchers everywhere. For me, two matches in particular have stood out. The Hampshire v. Nottinghamshire match was a thriller, with 25 of the 36 wickets being taken by spinners and Notts falling 4 runs short of winning the match with 4 wickets remaining.
However, the Roses clash at Headingley was something else. Yorkshire were 48 for 8 in reply to Lancashire's 328 all out, but they rallied to make 239.
Then, amazingly they had Lancashire 33 for 3 at the close of play and 87 for 8 the next morning, but then they managed to make it to 194.
As if that wasn't dramatic enough, chasing 283 to win, Yorkshire were 177-8 before another ridiculous 9th wicket stand got them to 230-9, but eventually they lost by 23 runs.
So overall, the 9th wicket stands in the match were: 9, 154, 80 and 53. Not too bad.
The week ahead
Got to back the draw in the Test match tomorrow, but I'm not backing a Tendulkar hundred as I think he might struggle for time.
In other news, Tevez will say he prefers Liverpool to Manchester, Cesc Fabregas' accountant will say he's being robbed and Sir Alex Ferguson will accuse everyone from the FA to his postman of being against him.
Quote of the week/month/year/millennium
Guy Moussi, after signing a 3 year contract with Forest: "I don't want to be rude, but I could not have gone to Derby. It was impossible."
And what he actually meant: "I would never go and play for the sheep-shagging scum, baa baa."
I hope you saw that Kris Commons.
And in case you dislike Wales and want to gloat at them for being bottom seeds in the next Fifa qualifying tournament, then you should read this. This guy should be a national hero.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/football/teams/wales/8635249/Meet-the-Faroese-student-who-made-Wales-officially-worse-at-football.html
I think it says everything about what is going wrong at Arsenal when a 19-year-old Costa Rican player turns you down. Still, that hasn't stopped Wenger from making bids for 17-year-old Romelu Lukaku (who is incredible on Fifa) and Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, who is, unsurprisingly, also 17. In other news, a bid for Phil Jagielka, who is, surprisingly, not a teenager, was rejected on the grounds that it was £2 million less than was offered last year. So clearly not a serious bid then.
Mohamed Bin Hammered
One-time Fifa Presidential candidate (he never made it to voting) Mohamed Bin Hammam has been found guilty of trying to bribe officials to vote for him. No, really?! Trying to prove his innocene, Hammam said that Fifa had it out for him and were going to find him guilty. So nothing to do with the fact that somebody took photos of money used to bribe the heads of Caribbean football. It was all just one big conspiracy. Admittedly, Jack Warner decided to quit so he could not be charged and Sepp Blatter is clearly incorruptible so there is no issue there (after all, friends of Robert Mugabe couldn't be evil). Let us hope that Mohamed is bin-bagged and sent back to Qatar and we never have to hear from him again. Once his appeal has failed that is.
Tevez not leaving
In the latest 'no shit Sherlock' moment, we found out that Carlos Tevez isn't going to Corinthians. Did not see that coming.
Manu boo hoo
This week Emmanuel Adebayor was sent to play with the reserves after not being selected for Manchester City's tour of the US. So he complained about it. Then he was told to train with the youth team. It's not like Roberto Mancini failed to understand what Manu was saying, as anyone who watched him as a pundit during the World Cup would acknowledge.
Adebayor had a great time at Real Madrid last season apparently. He just wants us all to know that. As he said, he's prepared to wait until August 31st to seal his dream move. He might as well wait until August 2045 because it's not going to happen, not that I want to be the one who tells him this.
You can just picture the scene now: August 31
(Adebayor is in his sitting room, holding a Ronaldo toy tightly and eyeing up the phone. In walks Garry Cook).
Adebayor: Ooh, ooh Garry, any news from Jose?
Cook: Sorry Manu, I've heard nothing.
Adebayor: But he will call, I know he will call, Jose won't let me down.
Cook: We've had an offer from Tottenham, We were hoping you would go to them and get paid £100,000 to sit on their bench and mope.
Adebayor: Spurs?! Even I managed to score against them.
Cook: Yes, but if you actually put some effort in when you play Arsenal and score against them for their biggest rivals, then you will piss them off even more.
Adebayor: The only team in white I will go to is Madrid. Now shush, I'm trying to listen to the phone in case Jose calls.
A tweet by Rory McIlroy
http://www.mobypicture.com/user/McIlroyRory/view/10169451
Northern Ireland the last couple of months must have been a great place to go out!
Hall of Lame
I was thinking about part-time bowlers taking wickets when I saw Mahendra Singh Dhoni trundle in during the first Test match, so this week, unfortunately, we have to revisit one of my least favourite wickets of all time. We may all dislike Ricky Ponting, but sometimes I wonder why he didn't become an all rounder.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=heWw_Tp5cf0
Still, it's nothing on Michael Vaughan bowling Sachin Tendulkar.
Cricket shining through
As if this Test match hasn't been good enough, it has been a glorious week for cricket watchers everywhere. For me, two matches in particular have stood out. The Hampshire v. Nottinghamshire match was a thriller, with 25 of the 36 wickets being taken by spinners and Notts falling 4 runs short of winning the match with 4 wickets remaining.
However, the Roses clash at Headingley was something else. Yorkshire were 48 for 8 in reply to Lancashire's 328 all out, but they rallied to make 239.
Then, amazingly they had Lancashire 33 for 3 at the close of play and 87 for 8 the next morning, but then they managed to make it to 194.
As if that wasn't dramatic enough, chasing 283 to win, Yorkshire were 177-8 before another ridiculous 9th wicket stand got them to 230-9, but eventually they lost by 23 runs.
So overall, the 9th wicket stands in the match were: 9, 154, 80 and 53. Not too bad.
The week ahead
Got to back the draw in the Test match tomorrow, but I'm not backing a Tendulkar hundred as I think he might struggle for time.
In other news, Tevez will say he prefers Liverpool to Manchester, Cesc Fabregas' accountant will say he's being robbed and Sir Alex Ferguson will accuse everyone from the FA to his postman of being against him.
Quote of the week/month/year/millennium
Guy Moussi, after signing a 3 year contract with Forest: "I don't want to be rude, but I could not have gone to Derby. It was impossible."
And what he actually meant: "I would never go and play for the sheep-shagging scum, baa baa."
I hope you saw that Kris Commons.
And in case you dislike Wales and want to gloat at them for being bottom seeds in the next Fifa qualifying tournament, then you should read this. This guy should be a national hero.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/football/teams/wales/8635249/Meet-the-Faroese-student-who-made-Wales-officially-worse-at-football.html
Sunday 17 July 2011
Clarke follows Irish example
Right, I need to apologise to Graeme McDowell and Lee Westwood for backing them to do well at the Open. It was a bit harsh to give them the kiss of death, but I honestly thought both had chances of winning. Those of you who bet on either, well you should have bet with Paddy Power then shouldn't you.
As for Darren Clarke, it is nice to see such a popular figure win. Graeme McDowell said two winners from Northern Ireland was something like winning a lottery, but 3! I suppose that's about on a par with Forest winning the play-offs, Millwall being universally loved and Ryan Giggs not shagging anyone who looks at him.
But if Phil Mickelson wonders where his surprise form came from, he should thank me for predicting he would miss the cut. If he fancies giving me half of his prize money then I will feel rewarded for my work.
Everyday I'm suffering
It turns out Rebekah Brooks isn't the only person having a bad week. No, it appears that one famous person has been kidnapped and is being refused entry back to his homeland. That person is of course Cesc Fabregas, who according to his international team-mate Xavi is "suffering" and according to his home-town mayor, is being kept locked up at the Emirates, unable to leave. As part of the Harry Potter theme this week, it is only right Cesc be portrayed as Harry himself, locked up by the Gunners (i.e. the Dursleys) in a place where no-one can find him, unaware that a greater destiny awaits him (i.e. warming the bench in Barcelona). Let us hope Cesc can survive long enough to make it back home.
Party in the USA
Our Draco Malfoy has to be Joey Barton, a guy who has some good inside of him, but continues to cause trouble and wreak mayhem wherever he goes. Barton plays for Newcastle, where Albus Dumbledore (Sir Bobby Robson) used to rule, but it is his past misdemeanours which are causing him trouble. Whereas we have to suffer Barton every week, it appears that the United States have decided to block him from entering their country, threatening him with the Dementors kiss should he even dare to step inside an American terminal. The difficulty with Barton is not knowing why he has been banned from the US. Was it for putting out a cigarette in the eye of a team-mate? Was it for beating up Ousmane Dabo? Was it even for mooning some fans after a match? It could very easily be any of these things.
However, Barton can speak as much bollocks as Mundungus Fletcher when he wants to. Recently he said he was the best midfielder in England (despite his one cap) and after hearing his mate Kevin Nolan was leaving, he decided to tell his followers on twitter that himself, Jonas Gutierrez and Jose Enrique (Crabbe and Goyle) were also going to leave. It's a shame that we don't have the powers to kick Draco out of the country.
Rio giving bare chat
It was tough thinking of a character for another muppet who made the news this week, but I think it is possible to compare Rio Ferdinand to Professor Umbridge. You may be wondering how a cat-obsessed bitch who looks like a toad can in any way be similar to Rio 'I thought the test was tomorrow' Ferdinand, but I think I've just about figured it out. Ferdinand likes telling everybody that he is a perfect role model and that everything said about him is a lie. Like Umbridge. Ferdinand was once the top dog, captain of England and in favour with Fabio Capello. Like Umbridge with Fudge (Arsene Wenger - who is extremely stubborn and will not change his views despite everyone telling him he is wrong). Then Rio fell out of favour with Capello and was banished back to the ranks. Like Umbridge at the Ministry of Magic.
This week, Ferdinand was moaning that nobody rates Manchester United, that everybody wants them to lose and that they should be made clear favourites for the title (which they are). "It makes me laugh" he said, before going on a rant which proved that actually it didn't make him laugh at all. Maybe he should take it up with his boss, seeing as he is equally fond of journalists.
Snape - Mario Balotelli
Ron - Steve Sidwell
Hermione - Robbie Savage (looks like a girl, talks like a girl, acts like a girl)
Lord Voldemort - Sepp Blatter
Bellatrix Lestrange - Michel Platini (Blatter's bitch and both have a French name)
Neville Longbottom - Titus Bramble (both seem helpless but are truly heroic characters)
Liverpool riches
When you have midfielders such as Gerrard, Lucas, Meireles, Aquilani, Rodriguez and Kuyt, it seems extremely strange that you would go and spend the best part of £50 million on Henderson, Adam and Downing, three players who are pretty much the same quality. Oh and they bought themselves a reserve goalkeeper. So no money spent on defenders which is surprising when you have Glen Johnson and Martin Skrtel as part of your back four. Liverpool would have been better off forking out £50 million for Tevez, that way they have decent cover when Andy Carroll gets himself locked up.
Speaking of Tevez, it appears that the Argentinian version of Nicolas Anelka could be on his way to Brazil to secure a dream move to Corinthians. Then again, City could refuse to sell him and make him stay for the rest of his long-term contract which he signed only recently. I'm sure him and Adebayor would have a great time chatting in the reserves.
If we look at the number of players who are getting stroppy about not moving, we could start to put together a quality team. Players at the moment include: Fabregas, Modric, Tevez, Adebayor, Nasri (+ Clichy, Young and Downing who have already left).
Hall of Lame
I've already mentioned Joey Barton in some detail, but here are plenty of other examples why he is a thug. I've spared you the video of him mooning for obvious reasons.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wlz5tO1F9JI - kicking Dickson Etuhu
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ul5uVWDexRo - getting himself arrested
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZkBfsNlBEaY - taking out Alonso
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g9AfwVuttS4&feature=related - punching Morten Gamst Pederson
Tests ahead
A fabled batting line-up including Gambhir, Dravid and Tendulkar... is 138-8 at the end of day 2 in a warm-up match against Somerset at the flattest gorund in the country. This comes after the home side posted 425-3. So expect India to win the toss on Thursday and rack up 600 declared. And Tendulkar is poised on 99 international hundreds...
The bad news for England is that former coach Duncan Fletcher, who knows all about their players, is now coach of India. The good news is that he is planning to call up Geraint Jones and Ashley Giles to the squad, as neither have played international cricket for five years.
The week ahead
India 600-5 declared: Gambhir - 175, Dhoni - 110, Tendulkar - 99 (run out Gary Pratt)
Arsenal beat the Malaysian government u-15 reserves 5-0, followed by Arsene Wenger declaring his team are more mature and are ready to win the Premier League. After the match, Wenger signs one of the opposition players and uses him to silence his critics who say he doesn't spend enough money.
Liverpool sign Nigel Reo-Coker, Gareth Barry and Shaun Wright-Phillips
Quotes of the week
Arsene Wenger: "I would like to welcome Weira Gun Na Loose to the football club. I feel we are finally showing our strength in the transfer market."
Roberto Mancini: "I was absolutely not being disrespectful to Arsenal. All I said was I was looking forward to Nasri playing in a blue shirt next year. I was of course talking about the Arsenal away shirt. I think it looks good on him."
Harry Redknapp: "We will only sell Luka for a pack of fags and tin of magic beans."
Right, I need to apologise to Graeme McDowell and Lee Westwood for backing them to do well at the Open. It was a bit harsh to give them the kiss of death, but I honestly thought both had chances of winning. Those of you who bet on either, well you should have bet with Paddy Power then shouldn't you.
As for Darren Clarke, it is nice to see such a popular figure win. Graeme McDowell said two winners from Northern Ireland was something like winning a lottery, but 3! I suppose that's about on a par with Forest winning the play-offs, Millwall being universally loved and Ryan Giggs not shagging anyone who looks at him.
But if Phil Mickelson wonders where his surprise form came from, he should thank me for predicting he would miss the cut. If he fancies giving me half of his prize money then I will feel rewarded for my work.
Everyday I'm suffering
It turns out Rebekah Brooks isn't the only person having a bad week. No, it appears that one famous person has been kidnapped and is being refused entry back to his homeland. That person is of course Cesc Fabregas, who according to his international team-mate Xavi is "suffering" and according to his home-town mayor, is being kept locked up at the Emirates, unable to leave. As part of the Harry Potter theme this week, it is only right Cesc be portrayed as Harry himself, locked up by the Gunners (i.e. the Dursleys) in a place where no-one can find him, unaware that a greater destiny awaits him (i.e. warming the bench in Barcelona). Let us hope Cesc can survive long enough to make it back home.
Party in the USA
Our Draco Malfoy has to be Joey Barton, a guy who has some good inside of him, but continues to cause trouble and wreak mayhem wherever he goes. Barton plays for Newcastle, where Albus Dumbledore (Sir Bobby Robson) used to rule, but it is his past misdemeanours which are causing him trouble. Whereas we have to suffer Barton every week, it appears that the United States have decided to block him from entering their country, threatening him with the Dementors kiss should he even dare to step inside an American terminal. The difficulty with Barton is not knowing why he has been banned from the US. Was it for putting out a cigarette in the eye of a team-mate? Was it for beating up Ousmane Dabo? Was it even for mooning some fans after a match? It could very easily be any of these things.
However, Barton can speak as much bollocks as Mundungus Fletcher when he wants to. Recently he said he was the best midfielder in England (despite his one cap) and after hearing his mate Kevin Nolan was leaving, he decided to tell his followers on twitter that himself, Jonas Gutierrez and Jose Enrique (Crabbe and Goyle) were also going to leave. It's a shame that we don't have the powers to kick Draco out of the country.
Rio giving bare chat
It was tough thinking of a character for another muppet who made the news this week, but I think it is possible to compare Rio Ferdinand to Professor Umbridge. You may be wondering how a cat-obsessed bitch who looks like a toad can in any way be similar to Rio 'I thought the test was tomorrow' Ferdinand, but I think I've just about figured it out. Ferdinand likes telling everybody that he is a perfect role model and that everything said about him is a lie. Like Umbridge. Ferdinand was once the top dog, captain of England and in favour with Fabio Capello. Like Umbridge with Fudge (Arsene Wenger - who is extremely stubborn and will not change his views despite everyone telling him he is wrong). Then Rio fell out of favour with Capello and was banished back to the ranks. Like Umbridge at the Ministry of Magic.
This week, Ferdinand was moaning that nobody rates Manchester United, that everybody wants them to lose and that they should be made clear favourites for the title (which they are). "It makes me laugh" he said, before going on a rant which proved that actually it didn't make him laugh at all. Maybe he should take it up with his boss, seeing as he is equally fond of journalists.
Snape - Mario Balotelli
Ron - Steve Sidwell
Hermione - Robbie Savage (looks like a girl, talks like a girl, acts like a girl)
Lord Voldemort - Sepp Blatter
Bellatrix Lestrange - Michel Platini (Blatter's bitch and both have a French name)
Neville Longbottom - Titus Bramble (both seem helpless but are truly heroic characters)
Liverpool riches
When you have midfielders such as Gerrard, Lucas, Meireles, Aquilani, Rodriguez and Kuyt, it seems extremely strange that you would go and spend the best part of £50 million on Henderson, Adam and Downing, three players who are pretty much the same quality. Oh and they bought themselves a reserve goalkeeper. So no money spent on defenders which is surprising when you have Glen Johnson and Martin Skrtel as part of your back four. Liverpool would have been better off forking out £50 million for Tevez, that way they have decent cover when Andy Carroll gets himself locked up.
Speaking of Tevez, it appears that the Argentinian version of Nicolas Anelka could be on his way to Brazil to secure a dream move to Corinthians. Then again, City could refuse to sell him and make him stay for the rest of his long-term contract which he signed only recently. I'm sure him and Adebayor would have a great time chatting in the reserves.
If we look at the number of players who are getting stroppy about not moving, we could start to put together a quality team. Players at the moment include: Fabregas, Modric, Tevez, Adebayor, Nasri (+ Clichy, Young and Downing who have already left).
Hall of Lame
I've already mentioned Joey Barton in some detail, but here are plenty of other examples why he is a thug. I've spared you the video of him mooning for obvious reasons.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wlz5tO1F9JI - kicking Dickson Etuhu
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ul5uVWDexRo - getting himself arrested
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZkBfsNlBEaY - taking out Alonso
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g9AfwVuttS4&feature=related - punching Morten Gamst Pederson
Tests ahead
A fabled batting line-up including Gambhir, Dravid and Tendulkar... is 138-8 at the end of day 2 in a warm-up match against Somerset at the flattest gorund in the country. This comes after the home side posted 425-3. So expect India to win the toss on Thursday and rack up 600 declared. And Tendulkar is poised on 99 international hundreds...
The bad news for England is that former coach Duncan Fletcher, who knows all about their players, is now coach of India. The good news is that he is planning to call up Geraint Jones and Ashley Giles to the squad, as neither have played international cricket for five years.
The week ahead
India 600-5 declared: Gambhir - 175, Dhoni - 110, Tendulkar - 99 (run out Gary Pratt)
Arsenal beat the Malaysian government u-15 reserves 5-0, followed by Arsene Wenger declaring his team are more mature and are ready to win the Premier League. After the match, Wenger signs one of the opposition players and uses him to silence his critics who say he doesn't spend enough money.
Liverpool sign Nigel Reo-Coker, Gareth Barry and Shaun Wright-Phillips
Quotes of the week
Arsene Wenger: "I would like to welcome Weira Gun Na Loose to the football club. I feel we are finally showing our strength in the transfer market."
Roberto Mancini: "I was absolutely not being disrespectful to Arsenal. All I said was I was looking forward to Nasri playing in a blue shirt next year. I was of course talking about the Arsenal away shirt. I think it looks good on him."
Harry Redknapp: "We will only sell Luka for a pack of fags and tin of magic beans."
Sunday 10 July 2011
Footballers talk like Haye but act like Charlie Sheen
Rio court case is a Cashley affair
It would be fair to say that shock of the week was not seeing Rio Ferdinand going to the High Court to sue the Mirror on Sunday for publishing a story that he had had an 8 year affair. Mr 'missed drugs test' himself may not have reached the levels of a Ryan Giggs, but he is notorious for his extra-marital affairs which have him on a par with Wayne Rooney. But instead of just ignoring the story, Ferdinand decided to sue the newspaper. Not because the story was false, but because it was a private manner, which of course, is now in every single newspaper and news outlet. You would think when it comes to privacy Rio would ask Giggs for a word or two as he would know that going to Court is the stupidest thing you can do when it comes to trying to keep an affair away from beocming big news. Ferdinand is obsessed with getting 'stay on your feet' into every part of his daily life now, but it is a shame that he didn't take the message to heart, as it might have saved him having to pay for lawyers, the Court and the Sunday Mirror when they win the case. Let's just be thankful that, with his memory, Ferdinand remembered to turn up to the Court.
Also this week we were told by none other than Ashley Cole, the man who cheated on his wife repeatedly and shot a work experience student with an air rifle, to judge him only on his football. After watching his performances last season, maybe he should be careful what he wishes for.
Mugabe blunder
In another great moment for Sepp Blatter, he decided to meet Robert Mugabe this week. I don't know what he was thinking, allowing himself to be pictured alongside that terrible dictator, the portrayor of all corruption and deceit, the runner of rigged elections and the man who would ruthlessly remove all enemies. Not that Mugabe is too great himself...
Haye's how you do it
As we try and forget about David Haye's awful attempt to knock out Wladimir Klitschko, the giant Ukranian decided to remind us that talk is cheap by putting up a video where he silently mocks the Hayemaker. As I continue the cliches, this proves that actions are louder than words and that Haye should learn to roll with the punches (ok I'll stop). The final attack at the end is truly a knockout hit for Haye, as a copy of the Daily Mail is used to compound his embarrassment. Bit of a low blow if you ask me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mH3IViJfK48
Sad day for Forest
The Forest Derby rivalry has been intense over the last few years, as former players and managers have traded sides and desperately tried to put one over each other. So it was a sad day to hear that chief Derby destroyer Robert Earnshaw has gone back to Cardiff instead of deciding to continue his exploits last year where he scored 3 times (including the winner at Pride Park). You might think with Billy Davies, Kris Commons and Robbie Savage all having left it would be a bit quieter next season but I wouldn't count on it. New Forest manager Schteve McClaren is a former Derby assistant manager and flag-waving extraordinaire Nathan Tyson has moved down the A5-2 to join the Rams, who probably still haven't forgiven him. As pre-season fixtures start to arrive and the countdown to the new campaign gets ever closer, I think we should look at the former Forest and Derby players in each other's ranks.
Forest
Lee Camp - saved penalty for us at Pride Park to earn controversial 1-1 draw (with help from Stuart Atwell)
Marcus Tudgay - scored twice for us in the 5-2 home win last season
Steve McClaren - see above
The Sheep
Nathan Tyson - see above
Nigel Clough - former Forest striker and, of course, son of the legendary Brian
Departures: Robert Earnshaw, Billy Davies, Kris Commons
In case any Forest fans out there need cheering up, here are a few Youtube videos I've just looked up: We start with my favourite ever match, the 1-1 draw at Pride Park. The footage is awful, but the commentary in the last minute or so more than makes up for it.
This is followed by the departing Earnshaw's winner at Pride Park and a compilation video of his goals, including the 3 against Derby and a hat-trick against Leicester City. The perfect way to enjoy your Sunday evening!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DC3FQv4v6o8&feature=related - Derby 1-1 Forest
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5gHknP-vQXE - Earnshaw at Pride Park
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iLfeFW3nocc - Earnshaw goals
Women footballers follow the men
I've always believed there was something re-assuring about familiarity, but I wouldn't tell our women footballers that after losing on penalties in the World Cup quarter-finals. Now I know I may not have been as complimentary to women's sports as I could have been, although that is not to say I didn't enjoy watching the tennis in Birmingham and at Wimbledon. So I will avoid making remarks like the matches had to go on longer because they had to explain the offside rule, because they are unneccessary. Truth is, I enjoy watching women's football. I mean Bend it Like Beckham was a brilliant film after all.
RIP NOTW
Whether you approved of the News of the World's techniques in finding stories or not, you must admit it was pretty interesting to read. I personally will miss hearing about the Fake Sheik and what he managed to convince celebrities to say when they thought they were talking in private. In particular, the newspaper should have our thanks for outing the Pakistani cricketers who tried to ruin the sport. It is a shame they never nailed Sepp Blatter as well, then they could have tried to rescue two sports from corruption.
Plane to Spain
We've had the Arms Race, now footballers are seeing who can get the plane to Spain the fastest. Cesc Fabregas has been putting in a top effort for the last couple of years, whilst Carlos Tevez has made a late dash, although he may have to wait for his move. Rumours have been circulating about a big bid from Barcelona for Gareth Bale, but that would appear highly unlikely. It will be interesting to see which moaning footballer out of Fabregas and Tevez can get there first as players convince themselves that they will get into the Real Madrid and Barcelona teams. Tevez possibly could get in the Madrid team, but Cesc should be careful before rushing back to Catalunia. He may have won nothing at Arsenal, but at least he got on the pitch. Maybe he should talk to Javier Mascherano, who spent the whole season on the bench and only got to play when there were injuries, before deciding to leave.
Hall of Lame
If Rio is flop of the week, it would seem right to look back at some of his indiscretions. This week he was accused of having affairs with 10 women, he has had a number of one night stands, filmed himself having group sex in Cyprus and missed a drugs test because he went shopping. And in a continuation of this, he decided to send a direct message to journalist Oliver Holt recently, saying: "You fat prick. U got something to say about me missing a drugs test say it when u see me." And this was the England captain, who got replaced by John Terry. Lovely.
Also, as the News of the World is shutting down, we should remember the time Sven fell for the Fake Sheikh and said he would be tempted to join Aston Villa as manager and could bring David Beckham with him. Brilliant.
The week ahead
Golf, like tennis, decides to throw together a few majors at the same time, so only a few weeks after Rory McIlroy's triumph at Congressional, we are back in Britain for the British Open. Here are my predictions:
Winner: Graeme McDowell (sorry to jinx him)
Runner-up: Lee Westwood
Rory McIlroy performance: 65, 67, 81, 59 - ends 5th
Certainty to miss the cut: Phil Mickelson (has only one top 10 finish in this event)
Also this week, Liverpool will announce they are going to build a new stadium. Rumours are it will be sponsored by the History Channel.
Quotes of the week
Carlos Tevez: "My little toe is hurting, so I have to go to Spain."
Cesc Fabregas: "I miss eating good paella, so I must return to my homeland."
Harry Redknapp: "Luka Modric is not leaving no matter what."
Daniel Levy: "We will never sell Luka Modric."
Luka Modric: "Sod it, I'm off to Spain."
It would be fair to say that shock of the week was not seeing Rio Ferdinand going to the High Court to sue the Mirror on Sunday for publishing a story that he had had an 8 year affair. Mr 'missed drugs test' himself may not have reached the levels of a Ryan Giggs, but he is notorious for his extra-marital affairs which have him on a par with Wayne Rooney. But instead of just ignoring the story, Ferdinand decided to sue the newspaper. Not because the story was false, but because it was a private manner, which of course, is now in every single newspaper and news outlet. You would think when it comes to privacy Rio would ask Giggs for a word or two as he would know that going to Court is the stupidest thing you can do when it comes to trying to keep an affair away from beocming big news. Ferdinand is obsessed with getting 'stay on your feet' into every part of his daily life now, but it is a shame that he didn't take the message to heart, as it might have saved him having to pay for lawyers, the Court and the Sunday Mirror when they win the case. Let's just be thankful that, with his memory, Ferdinand remembered to turn up to the Court.
Also this week we were told by none other than Ashley Cole, the man who cheated on his wife repeatedly and shot a work experience student with an air rifle, to judge him only on his football. After watching his performances last season, maybe he should be careful what he wishes for.
Mugabe blunder
In another great moment for Sepp Blatter, he decided to meet Robert Mugabe this week. I don't know what he was thinking, allowing himself to be pictured alongside that terrible dictator, the portrayor of all corruption and deceit, the runner of rigged elections and the man who would ruthlessly remove all enemies. Not that Mugabe is too great himself...
Haye's how you do it
As we try and forget about David Haye's awful attempt to knock out Wladimir Klitschko, the giant Ukranian decided to remind us that talk is cheap by putting up a video where he silently mocks the Hayemaker. As I continue the cliches, this proves that actions are louder than words and that Haye should learn to roll with the punches (ok I'll stop). The final attack at the end is truly a knockout hit for Haye, as a copy of the Daily Mail is used to compound his embarrassment. Bit of a low blow if you ask me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mH3IViJfK48
Sad day for Forest
The Forest Derby rivalry has been intense over the last few years, as former players and managers have traded sides and desperately tried to put one over each other. So it was a sad day to hear that chief Derby destroyer Robert Earnshaw has gone back to Cardiff instead of deciding to continue his exploits last year where he scored 3 times (including the winner at Pride Park). You might think with Billy Davies, Kris Commons and Robbie Savage all having left it would be a bit quieter next season but I wouldn't count on it. New Forest manager Schteve McClaren is a former Derby assistant manager and flag-waving extraordinaire Nathan Tyson has moved down the A5-2 to join the Rams, who probably still haven't forgiven him. As pre-season fixtures start to arrive and the countdown to the new campaign gets ever closer, I think we should look at the former Forest and Derby players in each other's ranks.
Forest
Lee Camp - saved penalty for us at Pride Park to earn controversial 1-1 draw (with help from Stuart Atwell)
Marcus Tudgay - scored twice for us in the 5-2 home win last season
Steve McClaren - see above
The Sheep
Nathan Tyson - see above
Nigel Clough - former Forest striker and, of course, son of the legendary Brian
Departures: Robert Earnshaw, Billy Davies, Kris Commons
In case any Forest fans out there need cheering up, here are a few Youtube videos I've just looked up: We start with my favourite ever match, the 1-1 draw at Pride Park. The footage is awful, but the commentary in the last minute or so more than makes up for it.
This is followed by the departing Earnshaw's winner at Pride Park and a compilation video of his goals, including the 3 against Derby and a hat-trick against Leicester City. The perfect way to enjoy your Sunday evening!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DC3FQv4v6o8&feature=related - Derby 1-1 Forest
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5gHknP-vQXE - Earnshaw at Pride Park
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iLfeFW3nocc - Earnshaw goals
Women footballers follow the men
I've always believed there was something re-assuring about familiarity, but I wouldn't tell our women footballers that after losing on penalties in the World Cup quarter-finals. Now I know I may not have been as complimentary to women's sports as I could have been, although that is not to say I didn't enjoy watching the tennis in Birmingham and at Wimbledon. So I will avoid making remarks like the matches had to go on longer because they had to explain the offside rule, because they are unneccessary. Truth is, I enjoy watching women's football. I mean Bend it Like Beckham was a brilliant film after all.
RIP NOTW
Whether you approved of the News of the World's techniques in finding stories or not, you must admit it was pretty interesting to read. I personally will miss hearing about the Fake Sheik and what he managed to convince celebrities to say when they thought they were talking in private. In particular, the newspaper should have our thanks for outing the Pakistani cricketers who tried to ruin the sport. It is a shame they never nailed Sepp Blatter as well, then they could have tried to rescue two sports from corruption.
Plane to Spain
We've had the Arms Race, now footballers are seeing who can get the plane to Spain the fastest. Cesc Fabregas has been putting in a top effort for the last couple of years, whilst Carlos Tevez has made a late dash, although he may have to wait for his move. Rumours have been circulating about a big bid from Barcelona for Gareth Bale, but that would appear highly unlikely. It will be interesting to see which moaning footballer out of Fabregas and Tevez can get there first as players convince themselves that they will get into the Real Madrid and Barcelona teams. Tevez possibly could get in the Madrid team, but Cesc should be careful before rushing back to Catalunia. He may have won nothing at Arsenal, but at least he got on the pitch. Maybe he should talk to Javier Mascherano, who spent the whole season on the bench and only got to play when there were injuries, before deciding to leave.
Hall of Lame
If Rio is flop of the week, it would seem right to look back at some of his indiscretions. This week he was accused of having affairs with 10 women, he has had a number of one night stands, filmed himself having group sex in Cyprus and missed a drugs test because he went shopping. And in a continuation of this, he decided to send a direct message to journalist Oliver Holt recently, saying: "You fat prick. U got something to say about me missing a drugs test say it when u see me." And this was the England captain, who got replaced by John Terry. Lovely.
Also, as the News of the World is shutting down, we should remember the time Sven fell for the Fake Sheikh and said he would be tempted to join Aston Villa as manager and could bring David Beckham with him. Brilliant.
The week ahead
Golf, like tennis, decides to throw together a few majors at the same time, so only a few weeks after Rory McIlroy's triumph at Congressional, we are back in Britain for the British Open. Here are my predictions:
Winner: Graeme McDowell (sorry to jinx him)
Runner-up: Lee Westwood
Rory McIlroy performance: 65, 67, 81, 59 - ends 5th
Certainty to miss the cut: Phil Mickelson (has only one top 10 finish in this event)
Also this week, Liverpool will announce they are going to build a new stadium. Rumours are it will be sponsored by the History Channel.
Quotes of the week
Carlos Tevez: "My little toe is hurting, so I have to go to Spain."
Cesc Fabregas: "I miss eating good paella, so I must return to my homeland."
Harry Redknapp: "Luka Modric is not leaving no matter what."
Daniel Levy: "We will never sell Luka Modric."
Luka Modric: "Sod it, I'm off to Spain."
Sunday 3 July 2011
Djoker has last laugh, as Haye fails to wiggle his big toe
Welcome to a special edition of the blog which makes me feel better about my own lack of sporting ability by making fun of others who are a lot better. As this week saw the end of Wimbledon for another year, we have an exclusive from good friend and expert on women's tennis, Sam Travell, who gives us his top 10 players (and no, Martina Navratilova will not be on the list if you understand what I mean). There are numerous pictures and links for you to enjoy should you have a bit of spare time on your hands.
Also this week, we look at the tournament as a whole, followed by an assessment on the most overly-hyped fight in history. For all his bragging, Haye deservedly finds his place on this blog after losing so comfortably and then giving poor excuses. And as usual, there is the standard football chat and random stuff which I have decided to add in for your enjoyment.
Flop(ianski) of the week
If we knew anything before Saturday about David Haye it was that he can certainly talk the talk. Maybe he could go and work with Ed Miliband and help him with his interviews. I could just picture it now: "This election will be as one-sides as a gangrape," although with Clegg and Cameron teaming up together this prediction could become a scary possibility, albeit with the roles reversed.
However, Haye's bark is certainly better than his bite, as he was totally outclassed by Wladimir Klitschko in a fight which was as one-sided as Haye had predicted. On average, the three judges gave the Ukranian an 8 point victory which in boxing is a comprehensive victory. Perhaps we should have seen this coming seeing as Haye wore the new England away shirt as he entered the ring. Might as well start how we plan to continue. The Londoner had the support of Andy Murray for the big fight, while Klitschko had three-time Wimbledon winner Boris Becker at ringside. Again, the omens were not good.
Once the fight was over and Dr Steelhammer was announced as the clear and undisputed winner, Haye decided to put in his worst performance of the night, that was, he said he had lost because he had broken his little toe. Now it is not for me to criticise a world champion, certainly one who is a lot bigger than me, but seeing someone with biceps the size of my head complain about a little toe when Tiger Woods won a US Open having broken a leg, suffered cruciate ligament damage and had to play a fifth round makes does not seem right.
Haye's injury reminds me of the beginning of Kill Bill Volume 1 when Uma Thurman sits in the back of a car desperately trying to wiggle her little toe in order to get the rest of her legs to start moving again. Then again, Haye has said he hopes to have a career in acting once his boxing days were over. After his performance before and after the fight it isn't hard to see him star on the big screen, just as long as he isn't asked to be a stuntman in case his feet cannot cope.
Hall of Lame
"My size will take its toll on him,"
"He is so scared of losing, he has trained like a crazy man. We did not expect him to come in so light".
"David Haye's ego is way out of control, like mine was back in the day," "I've got compassion for David Haye but he's going to get schooled in the art of boxing."
Sorry to remind you about the worst fight in boxing history, but it seems appropriate to refer to the last guy who thought he was going to dominate the heavyweight scene. What's even more worrying is that Audley hasn't retired yet, although I don't think the fans in Manchester will be flocking back to see him any time soon. Still, you can't beat these quotes when you are looking for a good chuckle.
Djokovic dethrones the King
Rafael Nadal is the king of clay and for the rest of his career always will be. But he had started to become the king of grass until he was dethroned by the brutal hitting of Novak Djokovic. My admiration for Nadal, who played a rare poor match by his standards, remains undiminished, but my respect for Djokovic has definitely raised up a level. The Serbian had shown an aversion to grass which matched that of Mario Balotelli (who suffered an allergic reaction), and like our Italian friend he has found a way to overcome it.
But where does that leave Andy Murray? It's funny that when he was winning tournaments a few years ago and was number 2 in the world, a lot of people seemed to dislike him. But now that he has started to struggle more and has decided to let a load of bum fluff grow on his face he has become the darling of centre court, giving the crowd their customary semi-final appearance. He is truly the heir to Henman and I take no joy in predicting that he would not win this tournament two weeks ago as he is about as mentally strong as the Arsenal back four and as good at holding on to a lead as them. Still, it is only a couple of months until the US Open and we will continue to believe that he can win a Grand Slam (me included). I suppose with Djokovic being the new world number one he probably won't have to play Nadal in the semi-finals. Not much of a silver lining I know.
Sam Travell women's top 10
Good news for Forest fans, Andy Reid has returned to the club over 6 years since his £4 million move to Spurs. In other news, Burger King have announced they are to open a new store next to the City Ground.
http://hasandrevillasboasbeensackedyet.com/
Birmingham City owner Carson Yeung has been arrested over alleged bribery. This is the same Yeung who passed a "fit and proper person test" and promised to give then manager Alex McLeish around £50 million to spend. Harry Redknapp once said fans don't care who their owners are as long as they put the money into the club, even if they were Saddam Hussain. And even he probably would have been seen as acceptable. It is therefore no surprise that Birmingham should have Marlon King on their books, a player who the description of "fit and proper" has never been applicable. The Blues have been run as a Mickey Mouse club recently and knowing the Football League, there is always the chance that he could be actually running the club in the future, although he might have to keep Minnie away from the changing room.
England v. Sri Lanka 3rd odi - Kieswetter and Trott combined in the first powerplay: 5 runs from 26 balls
Angelo Matthews when blocking to try and let Chandimal reach his century: 1 from 21 balls
Quotes of the week
Arsene Wenger: "I am glad to welcome Pascal to the club. I feel he can add a lot to the team and improve team spirit."
Stuart Broad: "We will play a brand of fearless cricket."
Steve McClaren: "I, erm, am happy... to be able to welcome... Andy... to the club. I believe... he will bring... a great presence to the club."
Headline of the week - BBC Sport: 'Sex Crime player faces new probe'
Also this week, we look at the tournament as a whole, followed by an assessment on the most overly-hyped fight in history. For all his bragging, Haye deservedly finds his place on this blog after losing so comfortably and then giving poor excuses. And as usual, there is the standard football chat and random stuff which I have decided to add in for your enjoyment.
Flop(ianski) of the week
If we knew anything before Saturday about David Haye it was that he can certainly talk the talk. Maybe he could go and work with Ed Miliband and help him with his interviews. I could just picture it now: "This election will be as one-sides as a gangrape," although with Clegg and Cameron teaming up together this prediction could become a scary possibility, albeit with the roles reversed.
However, Haye's bark is certainly better than his bite, as he was totally outclassed by Wladimir Klitschko in a fight which was as one-sided as Haye had predicted. On average, the three judges gave the Ukranian an 8 point victory which in boxing is a comprehensive victory. Perhaps we should have seen this coming seeing as Haye wore the new England away shirt as he entered the ring. Might as well start how we plan to continue. The Londoner had the support of Andy Murray for the big fight, while Klitschko had three-time Wimbledon winner Boris Becker at ringside. Again, the omens were not good.
Once the fight was over and Dr Steelhammer was announced as the clear and undisputed winner, Haye decided to put in his worst performance of the night, that was, he said he had lost because he had broken his little toe. Now it is not for me to criticise a world champion, certainly one who is a lot bigger than me, but seeing someone with biceps the size of my head complain about a little toe when Tiger Woods won a US Open having broken a leg, suffered cruciate ligament damage and had to play a fifth round makes does not seem right.
Haye's injury reminds me of the beginning of Kill Bill Volume 1 when Uma Thurman sits in the back of a car desperately trying to wiggle her little toe in order to get the rest of her legs to start moving again. Then again, Haye has said he hopes to have a career in acting once his boxing days were over. After his performance before and after the fight it isn't hard to see him star on the big screen, just as long as he isn't asked to be a stuntman in case his feet cannot cope.
Hall of Lame
"My size will take its toll on him,"
"He is so scared of losing, he has trained like a crazy man. We did not expect him to come in so light".
"David Haye's ego is way out of control, like mine was back in the day," "I've got compassion for David Haye but he's going to get schooled in the art of boxing."
Sorry to remind you about the worst fight in boxing history, but it seems appropriate to refer to the last guy who thought he was going to dominate the heavyweight scene. What's even more worrying is that Audley hasn't retired yet, although I don't think the fans in Manchester will be flocking back to see him any time soon. Still, you can't beat these quotes when you are looking for a good chuckle.
Djokovic dethrones the King
Rafael Nadal is the king of clay and for the rest of his career always will be. But he had started to become the king of grass until he was dethroned by the brutal hitting of Novak Djokovic. My admiration for Nadal, who played a rare poor match by his standards, remains undiminished, but my respect for Djokovic has definitely raised up a level. The Serbian had shown an aversion to grass which matched that of Mario Balotelli (who suffered an allergic reaction), and like our Italian friend he has found a way to overcome it.
But where does that leave Andy Murray? It's funny that when he was winning tournaments a few years ago and was number 2 in the world, a lot of people seemed to dislike him. But now that he has started to struggle more and has decided to let a load of bum fluff grow on his face he has become the darling of centre court, giving the crowd their customary semi-final appearance. He is truly the heir to Henman and I take no joy in predicting that he would not win this tournament two weeks ago as he is about as mentally strong as the Arsenal back four and as good at holding on to a lead as them. Still, it is only a couple of months until the US Open and we will continue to believe that he can win a Grand Slam (me included). I suppose with Djokovic being the new world number one he probably won't have to play Nadal in the semi-finals. Not much of a silver lining I know.
Sam Travell women's top 10
It is a great privilege for me to be writing in this blog for the first time. I have a strong interest in tennis and girls, so what better way than to combine the two than to have a top 10. As tennis has been played for many years and me lacking knowledge about people like Virginia Wade and Sue Barker, I’ve decided to keep it a bit more recent, as in 2000 onwards. And as Wimbledon fever has hit everyone around the country, what better way to celebrate tennis and spend your next few minutes than by looking at my top 10 good-looking female tennis players.
In coming to my conclusions, I have had to contemplate many different things. For example, I’m sure Heidi Klum (definitely worth a google) has picked up a tennis racket once in her lifetime, but unfortunately I don’t think she can make it onto my top 10 tennis players, although she certainly has talents that are worth showcasing. All the players in my list have had a significant impact on the tennis world and have justified themselves to be classed tennis players, so without further ado, here it is:
10) It kills me to have to place her here, but LAURA ROBSON comes in at number 10. Close friends of mine will know about my passion for this upcoming star and my potential future wife, but after seeing a picture of her mum (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1032387/Glory-Laura---At-24-years-Britain-produces-Wimbledon-champion--8211-smasher-is.html) and knowing what she is going to turn into, I think a 10 is the best for her.
9) AMANDA COETZER brings us in at number 9. Married to a Hollywood director shows potential and being on a few modelling shoots shows when she was younger she most definitely had it. Now retired, her age has caught up with her – need I say anymore.
8) NICOLE VAIDISOVA. (http://uk.askmen.com/galleries/nicole-vaidisova/picture-2.html#!2 ) A secret talent but however a stalk back into her past brings some pleasantly beautiful pictures, however, not making a name for yourself and relatively low tennis ranking keeps this girl in 8th spot I’m afraid.
7) Another beauty at number 7, GISELA DULKO. (http://www.zimbio.com/Gisela+Dulko) Currently engaged (or maybe married now) to a Real Madrid footballer this women has shown she must have something about her, but again her tennis is letting her down – I quote: “Gisela is a frequent player on both the singles and doubles circuit but struggles to play with consistency in singles.” No excuses for poor consistency love, lets just hope your husband hasn’t followed the footballers trend and kept consistent with you, and not taken a fancy to your doubles partner http://uk.eurosport.yahoo.com/te/profile/2432.html, although in hindsight….!!!
6) MARIA KIRILENKO is perhaps our final player who you may not have heard of. She has tennis prowess, proving this by winning the 2005 WTA Chinese Open, not bad going, with the looks as well – a definite potential winner, if only she can get her ranking down. (http://itsmysports.blogspot.com/2011/05/maria-kirilenko-weight.html)
TOP 5
So as we enter the business end of the table, not only do the looks have to be there, there has to be a brand, a name everyone remembers, a person who has brought tennis into the good, which is why I start with a potential outsider at number 5,
5) http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-birmingham-12833580 Need I say anymore. (Good Brummy girl and photo taken down the road from were I live, perfect, justifies top 5 I think).
4) DANIELA HANTUCHOVA, http://worldstarstop.blogspot.com/2011/03/daniela-hantuchova-personal-life.html Well known name, won many titles, definitely threatening the top 3 but those off days that she has, plus some dodgy photos has prevented her from just making it.
3) MARIA SHARAPOVA. Maria takes the brand to the whole new level, well known by everyone, big earner, big player and as I write this the only female on this list left in Wimbledon 2011. I wish her all the best, and for those unsure of this beauty check her at the Wimbledon pre-party, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9V1_09_qHiA
2) After a recent photo-shoot with this girl, ANA IVANOVIC comes in silver place. Stunner all round, tennis not bad either, and after meeting her in the flesh, my desire is always to be with Ana. (Keep any forest fans out there happy).
So that brings us to number 1: however here’s two videos to wet your appetite for women’s tennis before you read on.
(Don’t watch them too many times, don’t want the WTA to think women’s tennis has that much interest).
So at NUMBER 1 is a girl I once saw when I was a little younger, at first I thought what’s she doing playing tennis. Common sense has now prevailed and modelling became her greatest interest. This talent was all the talk when she first turned professional and now she still makes the headlines but for different reasons, I give to you ANNA KOURNIKOVA. I remember first seeing her and then whenever tennis came into conversation tried to slip her name in, ‘have you seen her’, but now all you can see her and bask in her glory: http://www.google.co.uk/search?q=anna+kournikova&oe=utf-8&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a&um=1&ie=UTF-8&tbm=isch&source=og&sa=N&hl=en&tab=wi&biw=1280&bih=603
She is the most searched sports player of all time and her website has been viewed more times than any other sports player in the world – wow! She also partnered with MARTINA HINGIS, a girl who just missed out on this left, and won many doubles titles, being number 1 in the doubles rankings for a while – such a shame you never won a singles title ever.
Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed my take on women’s tennis, and before you think you’ve never got a chance with these girls I leave you with this:
Sam Travell
JL: Don't think the future wife will be happy to see herself at number 10!
Arsene's regime crumbles like a cookie
If there is anything certain in football, it is that without doubt, we will almost probably not be sure whether Cesc Fabregas is going to Barcelona or not. However, I can almost definitely guess, that without question, we will in all likelihood be bored of all talk about it. Probably.
In all seriousness, Arsenal these days resemble the last days of the Soviet Union (even if you never studied the Cold War you can pretty much understand what I'm going on about). The regime of a stubborn, single-minded leader, who believes all players at his club should play in the same style, is slowly crumbling beneath him as he tries to adapt to a changing world. The likes of Fabregas, Nasri and Clichy have been swayed by the talent in Spain and up north and are jumping ship like it's the Titanic.
Arsene Wenger may be a Frenchman, but he acts like a Jew, and not because his teams like to pass the ball into the net. Don't be surprised to see Sol Campbell brought back, alongside Patrick Vieira and Robert Pires as Le Professuer tries to save his dosh. Just as long as he doesn't bring back Pascal Cygan.
10 reasons to watch the women's World Cup
http://www.whoateallthepies.tv/babes/76600/unashamedly-sexist-top-10-hottest-players-at-womens-world-cup.html
JL: Don't think the future wife will be happy to see herself at number 10!
Arsene's regime crumbles like a cookie
If there is anything certain in football, it is that without doubt, we will almost probably not be sure whether Cesc Fabregas is going to Barcelona or not. However, I can almost definitely guess, that without question, we will in all likelihood be bored of all talk about it. Probably.
In all seriousness, Arsenal these days resemble the last days of the Soviet Union (even if you never studied the Cold War you can pretty much understand what I'm going on about). The regime of a stubborn, single-minded leader, who believes all players at his club should play in the same style, is slowly crumbling beneath him as he tries to adapt to a changing world. The likes of Fabregas, Nasri and Clichy have been swayed by the talent in Spain and up north and are jumping ship like it's the Titanic.
Arsene Wenger may be a Frenchman, but he acts like a Jew, and not because his teams like to pass the ball into the net. Don't be surprised to see Sol Campbell brought back, alongside Patrick Vieira and Robert Pires as Le Professuer tries to save his dosh. Just as long as he doesn't bring back Pascal Cygan.
10 reasons to watch the women's World Cup
http://www.whoateallthepies.tv/babes/76600/unashamedly-sexist-top-10-hottest-players-at-womens-world-cup.html
Good news for Forest fans, Andy Reid has returned to the club over 6 years since his £4 million move to Spurs. In other news, Burger King have announced they are to open a new store next to the City Ground.
http://hasandrevillasboasbeensackedyet.com/
Birmingham City owner Carson Yeung has been arrested over alleged bribery. This is the same Yeung who passed a "fit and proper person test" and promised to give then manager Alex McLeish around £50 million to spend. Harry Redknapp once said fans don't care who their owners are as long as they put the money into the club, even if they were Saddam Hussain. And even he probably would have been seen as acceptable. It is therefore no surprise that Birmingham should have Marlon King on their books, a player who the description of "fit and proper" has never been applicable. The Blues have been run as a Mickey Mouse club recently and knowing the Football League, there is always the chance that he could be actually running the club in the future, although he might have to keep Minnie away from the changing room.
England v. Sri Lanka 3rd odi - Kieswetter and Trott combined in the first powerplay: 5 runs from 26 balls
Angelo Matthews when blocking to try and let Chandimal reach his century: 1 from 21 balls
Quotes of the week
Arsene Wenger: "I am glad to welcome Pascal to the club. I feel he can add a lot to the team and improve team spirit."
Stuart Broad: "We will play a brand of fearless cricket."
Steve McClaren: "I, erm, am happy... to be able to welcome... Andy... to the club. I believe... he will bring... a great presence to the club."
Headline of the week - BBC Sport: 'Sex Crime player faces new probe'
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