5 officials is pointless if the man in the middle is useless

Another week of big footballing fixtures and once again we were given a striking master-class by a player who is feared right across Europe... but enough about Dele Adebola, who scored his 2nd goal in 2 weeks. In this blog, I will discuss why Michel Platini is wrong (as always), my part in Arsenal's defeat to Barcelona and what happened in my sporting week. Was my eagerly anticipated return to football a great success? Read on to find out...

5 officials is not better than 3

Five officials, we were told, would get 99% of decisions right. That was the verdict of Michel Platini, so of course we knew the complete opposite would happen. If confirmation was needed, then Tuesday night at the Nou Camp was all the proof we needed. One second was the time between the ref blowing his whistle and Van Persie shooting wide, yet apparently RVP had time to think about it and decide to time-waste. It takes Peter Crouch longer to touch his toes and that's without 95,000 screaming Catalans nearby. What this episode has shown is that you could have 20 officials, but if the man who counts is incompetent then it makes no difference. And as for the extra officials, what good are they? You stick a man with a flag in front of a stand full of home supporters and then you expect well-judged, fair decisions. Good one Michel.

Why Arsenal lost

As for the match itself, I have to take the blame for Fabregas' back heel after talking about irony in the last blog. It almost seems Cesc was disappointed about being upstaged by Xavi and Iniesta and decided to show his home fans what they can look forward to next season. Moreover, my prediction of a Bendtner hat-trick came back to bite me up the backside when the great Dane showed his killer instinct in front of goal. Arsenal fans should be worried with the news that their keeper for the next couple of months is... 3rd choice behind Fabianski and Szczesny. Not great for the CV that. This is the same Szczesny who dislocated a finger keeping out a routine free-kick and the same Fabianski who had to have shoulder surgery saving a Szczesny shot in training. And this guy is supposedly worse than them.

My week in sporting underachievement

After my long-awaited return to football, in the form of an indoor 5-a-side futsal tournament, it's fair to say that I didn't do myself justice. My attempt to be a Wes Morgan-like figure in defence ended up with me chasing shadows around the pitch, although that had a lot to do with the lighting! The worst moment came in the 2nd match, where I had the ball on the side and restarted play only to hear the ref say he wasn't ready. Then, instead of being given the ball back, the opposition decided to take it for themselves, and with all of our players out of position, they went and scored the winner. That just about summed up my day.

The week after, needing a big peformance to try and qualify for the semis, we managed to scramble together a team of half-injured and drunk players. Unsurprisingly, we managed to lose all our matches and I came off with two dodgy knees. Lucky I can't play next week, maybe the team will start to win in my absence.

Week one of a pool tournament and after a narrow loss to a guy just out of hospital and an unconvincing win against someone who potted the white more times than his own balls, I ended with a tie against Sam Neal. Sam had the biggest smile on his face and as it turned out the cue wasn't the only pointy object he'd been using over the last 24 hours (sorry that's the best euphemism I could think of). Unpeturbed, I racked up a four ball lead only to lose narrowly again. Overall, I think it's a toss up to decide who's had a worse last two weeks in sport... me or Arsenal?
The week ahead

The West Indies are 50-8 chasing down a total of 425 against England, only for numbers 9 and 10 score the runs with 10 overs remaining. The England team are so nackered that they fall asleep on the pitch and don't realise until a few hours later that they've actually lost. A few weeks later, Kevin Pietersen re-affirms his commitment to England, whilst on his way to the IPL.

England are 6 points down against Ireland in the Six Nations with 2 minutes to go. The Irish kick the ball out for a line-out and in their desperation, England use a different ball to score the winning try and conversion which seals the Grand Slam. A massive fight starts out on the pitch between the opposing players, resulting in a series of fines and bans. Not to be outdone, Neil Lennon and Ally McCoist organise their own boxing match for half-time during the Scottish League final the next day. Lennon is winning until some spit from El-Hadji Diouf gets in his eyes and momentarily blinds him, allowing McCoist to go on and land the winning pitch.

Sporting ironies

As a sportsman, I am accustomed to being at the bottom of the hierarchy, plumming the depths of sporting oblivion. I have participated in rugby sessions where contact is not allowed and in cricket matches where only wind balls would do. This blog, therefore, will attempt to give the perspective of a sporting enthusiast, who has had his large share of sporting failures mixed in with the occassional high which has only proceeded to give false hope of talent. It is written for the amusement of everyone, but will be appreciated most by those, who like me, grew up dreaming about being the next Wes Morgan. Or maybe that's just me!

Sporting ironies

What makes sport so compelling is its unpredictability. How is it that part-time footballers from New Zealand can play football at the World Cup and be the only unbeaten team, yet Ryan Giggs, the man voted Manchester United's best ever player, has never gone to one? How often does a player leave a club in the search of trophies, only to see his former club start winning and his new team struggle? Think of Michael Owen leaving Liverpool to go to Real Madrid, only to then see his former team mates go and produce that amazing comeback in Istanbul the season after.

For me, a self-confessed Forest supporter, there was a smug sense of satsifaction watching former favourite Kris Commons be part of a struggling team at Derby as he thought he was joining a bigger club. That was until he jumped ship again to go to Celtic, where he is again proving (annoyingly) what a good player he is.

Another good example is Chelsea, who spent £50 million on Fernando Torres who is yet to get off the mark, only to let Daniel Sturridge go out on loan to Bolton where he has scored 4 goals in 5 matches.

Despite this, football has recently been surpassed by cricket as the sport for unpredictability and irony. I am sure that I am not the only person who finds Ireland beating England at the World Cup a comical situation. One of their batsmen, Ed Joyce, is back playing for his home country after being discarded by England and most of their team have had experience playing for English counties. Man of the match Kevin o'Brien has played, albeit briefly, for Nottinghamshire and fast bowler William Boyd Rankin for Derbyshire and Warwickshire. Moreover, one of England's star batsmen, Eoin Morgan, is Irish by birth and used to represent his home country before switching allegiances to live his dream of playing Test cricket.

For fans of irony though, there was more to come in England's next match, when their team of mostly South-African born players pulled off a stunning comeback of their own to shock... South Africa. The victory was slightly tempered by the news that South African turned Englishman Kevin Pietersen has had to go home injured and miss the rest of the tournament. His replacement, though, is none other than Irishman turned Englishman Morgan, who had been injured himself. Right.

For England fans, the World Cup has been a serious test of nerves. A hard fought victory of the mighty Netherlands, was followed by a stunning tie against pre-tournament favourites and hosts, India. Then came that incredible defeat to Ireland, before an equally amazing turnaround against reknowned chokers South Africa. All we need now is for England to face Australia in the final and for Ricky Ponting to get run out again. That might not be classed as ironic, but it certainly would be funny.

The week to come

After Nicklas Bendtner finally lives up to his own hype and scores a hat trick to give Arsenal a seemingly unassailable 4 goal lead at the Nou Camp, Messi pops up to score 5 goals inside the last 10 minutes. In the post-match interview, Arsene Wenger praises the spirit of his team and blames the ref, the dodgy pitch and Barcelona's long-ball football for his side's defeat.

Spurs, on the other hand, are robbed by a ref who has been promised a 17 year old girl by Silvio Berlusconi for throwing the game. Gattuso, despite being suspended, comes out for the second half disguised as Robinho (who has continuously gone missing during the match.) He then proceeds to head-butt the entire Spurs team, paving the way for Pato to score the winner.

England are 100-0 in pursuit of Bangladesh's 109, only to collapse to 108-9. Fortunately, Eoin Morgan scores the winning runs, before announcing after the game that he is to represent Ireland for the rest of the tournament, with Kevin o'Brien to play for England instead. The ICC announce that they are to launch an investigation after bookies claim Salman Butt bet on this happening.