End of season round up

This blog is like Akinfenwa... beast. After probably the most dramatic season in Premier League history, it is time for the finishing touch. In my latest blog I have tried my best to sum up the season in my own way with top threes and awards. Elsewhere, we have predictions galore, a look at the Euros and some of the other sporting events going on. And, to celebrate a season of great commentary, I have ended with a compilation on some of the best ones I have heard, from university sport to the Champions League. And just for your benefit, the link between Akinfenwa and beast will be brought up once again.
For those still doing exams, put the kettle on, get a cup of tea and sit back. For those who have finished or those not having to do any, put the kettle on, get a cup of tea and sit back anyway.

Football round up

I may have forgotten some people/teams/goals etc in these lists so am willing to be swayed:

Worst 3 managers of the year:

1. Terry Connor
2. Owen Coyle
3. Alex McLeish

Top 3 matches:

1. Manchester City 3-2 QPR
2. Chelsea 3-5 Arsenal
3. Manchester United 4-4 Everton

Top 3 goals:

1. Papiss Cisse
2. Peter Crouch
3. Luis Suarez

Special mention should go to Adlene Guedioura who scored two goals for two clubs yet won the Goal of the Season Award for each one.

Top 3 signings:

1. Sergio Aguero
2. Papiss Cisse (alongside many other Newcastle players)
3. Gylfi Sigurdsson

Special mention goes to Nikica Jelavic

Worst 3 signings:

1. Jordan Henderson
2. Stewart Downing
3. David Goodwillie

Worst managerial sackings of the season:

1. Mick McCarthy
2. Neil Warnock
3. Lee Clark

Best managerial sackings of the season:

1. Andre Villas-Boas
2. Roberto di Matteo
3. Keith Millen

My top 3 moments:

1. Leeds 3-7 Nottingham Forest (I’ll stop mentioning it now)
2. Mario Balotelli – “why always me” moment
3. Gary Neville orgasm over Fernando Torres’ goal

Team of the year:

Vorm; Walker, Kompany, Coloccini, Baines; Toure, Scholes, Dempsey; Aguero, Van Persie, Silva

Awards

Alternating between being a footballer and Tiger Woods – Carlos Tevez

Spending too much time with Noel Gallagher – Mario Balotelli

Being useless to being a contender for an England place – Grant Holt

Being useless and getting in the England squad – Stewart Downing

Having the worst spelling in the game – Harry Redknapp

Spending money and succeeding – Manchester City

Spending money and not succeeding - Leicester

Managing to unite a whole city in a common cause - Steve Kean

How to waste money, be racist, have a go at people accusing you of being racist, be rubbish in the league and yet still do well in cup competitions -Liverpool

Also being rubbish in the league yet turning it on in the cup - Chesterfield

Celebrating too early - Manchester United

Going down quicker than Tulisa – Wolves

Houdini act of going from useless to suddenly title contenders for next season – Wigan

Houdini act of going from useless to suddenly becoming amazing in all competitions - Chelsea

Unsung heroes - Chris Powell and Chris Hughton

Annual play-off/Wembley defeat/both - Cardiff

Inability to score at home – Nottingham Forest

Going from being a great player to turning it on as manager in the fourth tier of English football - Paolo di Canio

Choking and letting your biggest rivals get promotion ahead of you -Sheffield United

Being the biggest one man team since Liverpool 2005 – Arsenal

Having your captain become your manager – Chelsea

Quote of the season for saying that Emile Heskey can save your season despite having scored just once all season - Alex McLeish

Becoming the most hated man in the Midlands- Alex McLeish

Going from hated/loved individual to well-respected pundit - Gary Neville

Most likely to jizz his pants over a goal - Gary Neville

Biggest hypocrite over going down softly in challenges - Joey Barton

Most underrated player - Clint Dempsey

A club where all their managers go on to better teams afterwards – West Brom (Hodgson, Di Matteo, Megson...)

Player most regretting leaving his club - Kevin Nolan

Biggest fall from grace - Villarreal

Biggest fan of Fergie time - Sergio Aguero

Best comeback since Take That - Paul Scholes

Most in demand free transfer - Emile Heskey

Headline writer’s wet dream - Mario Balotelli

Most likely to be suspended for the entirety of next season - Joey Barton

Worst bearer of bad news – Geoff Shreeves

Sporting Underachiever > Paul the Octopus

I’m not just a great looking, highly talented and modest man. I am also a predictions guru. Here is what I put in my last blog:

Sure-fire things

Here is the list of things to expect between now and the end of the season:

Spurs finish 4^th and the media say they don’t want Harry Redknapp as England manager– mostly true

Robin van Persie doesn’t sign a new contract – so far true

Luis Suarez and Gareth Bale will dive – didn’t see it happen again

Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain gets picked for England, has a bad game, and the media say he was chosen too early – soon to happen

Jose Mourinho will not return to Chelsea– will be true

Wigan will somehow stay up – true

Mario Balotelli will do something, somewhere, somehow, which is major – sent off at Arsenal, sets up Aguero’s winning goal

Season Predictions

However, let’s see how I did in the season predictions against my housemates, Richard ‘Dick’ Ayling, and Fraser ‘Kimsteven’ Kesteven:

Premier League winner:

JL: Manchester United

FK: Manchester United

RA: Manchester United

Result: Manchester City

Rest of top 4:

JL: Manchester City, Chelsea, Liverpool

FK: Chelsea, Manchester City, Arsenal

RA: Chelsea, Manchester City, Arsenal

Result: Manchester United, Arsenal, Tottenham

Relegated teams:

JL: Norwich, Wigan, Swansea

FK: Norwich, Wigan, Swansea

RA: Norwich, Wigan, Swansea

Result: Bolton, Blackburn Rovers, Wolves

Top goal-scorer:

JL: Rooney

FK: Rooney

RA: Rooney

Result: Robin van Persie

Number of Fernando Torres goals (league only, as with the others):

JL: 10

FK: 15

RA: 10

Result: 6

Number of Mario Balotelli goals:

JL: 12

FK: 10

RA: 6

At the moment: 13

Number of Emile Heskey goals:

JL: 4

FK: 1

RA: 3

Result: 1

Number of games Arsenal let a lead slip (league only):

JL: 6

FK: 4

RA: 6

Result: 5

Norwich overall goal-difference:

JL: -15

FK: -28

RA: -21

Result: -14

First managerial casualty:

JL: Alex McLeish

FK: Neil Warnock

RA: Steve Kean

Result: Steve Bruce

FA Cup winner:

JL: Spurs

FK: Chelsea

RA: Chelsea

Result: Chelsea

League Cup winner:

JL: Liverpool

FK: Manchester United

RA: Manchester City

Result: Liverpool

Champions League winner:

JL: Real Madrid
FK: Barcelona
RA: Barcelona

Result: Bayern Munich or Chelsea

Europa League winner:

JL: PSG

FK: Liverpool (JL - should be docked a point for being ignorant)

RA: Sevilla

Result: Atletico Madrid

Top 2 in Championship:

JL: West Ham Leicester

FK: West Ham, Leicester

RA: West Ham, Leicester

Result: Reading, Southampton

Forest overall position:

JL: 5th

FK: 5th

RA: 4^th

Result: 19th

Forest top scorer:

JL: Lewis McGugan

FK: Marcus Tudgay

RA: Robbie Findley

Result: Garath McCleary with 9

Dele Adebola goals:

JL: 3

FK: 1

RA: 3

Result: 1

Nathan Tyson goals:

JL: 10 (woops)

FK: 4

RA: 2

Result: 0

League 1 winner:

JL: Huddersfield

FK: Carlisle

RA: Huddersfield

Result: Charlton

League 2 winner:

JL: Shrewsbury

FK: Northampton

RA: Crawley

Result: Swindon

Blue Square Prem winner:

JL: Luton

FK: Cambridge

RA: Luton

Result: Fleetwood

Final tallies (assuming I haven’t miscounted):

JL: 5
FK: 5
RA: 5

Unbelievable Jeff! The Forest result was voided because we were all so far off. And Fraser was not docked a point for putting Liverpool would win the Europa League when they weren’t even in it. If both of these hadn’t been the case I would have finished one point above the other two. Just saying…

Eur-having a laugh

So, Roy Hodgson has picked his 23 man squad for the Euros, giving plenty of players who have performed well all season their chance to shine… and Stewart Downing. Now let’s be fair to Downing, he has as many Premier League goals and assists as me this season, all for £20 million, but he must have just got the edge over me due to his great partnership with Andy Carroll. After talking to Kenny Dalglish, Hodgson decided to take Carroll as he will need a drinking partner when things start going wrong.

John Terry has been rewarded for his season as player/manager of Chelsea where he has mentored Joey Barton into kneeing opposition players. His role in the squad will be to decide where the WAGS will stay. Unsurprisingly they will be situated within five minutes walk of the players.

John Ruddy has been picked as the third best goalkeeper in the country. He will be thanking Ben Foster and Paul Robinson for his free holiday/honeymoon after both decided to retire from international football.

Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain is going to a major tournament as a 18-year-old from Arsenal. He will hope that is where any similarities with Theo Walcott end, although it should be pointed out Walcott was 17 when he went to the 2006 World Cup and had not played for the Gunners. Oxlade-Chamberlain struggled to get in ahead of Yossi Benayoun and Gervinho at Arsenal but is now considered a better option than Daniel Sturridge.

What about the latest odds at the Euros? Let’s hear from Raymundo…

Nigel de Jong to get sent off – 9/10

England to go out in the group stage – 5/1

England to go out on penalties – 7/1

John Terry to take over from Roy Hodgson after one match – 9/1

Wayne Rooney to get sent off – 15/1

Spain to have 90% possession in any match - 17/1

Patrice Evra to storm off the pitch after a conversation with John Terry –25/1

Fernando Torres to score the winning goal in the final – 30/1

John Terry to deliver a half-time team talk on the pitch – 45/1

The Greek players going around the ground before their matches with a bucket collection – 60/1

Sven Goran Eriksson to take over one of the teams before the tournament starts – 75/1

Flavio Briatore to pick the Italy starting eleven in every match – 125/1

Stewart Downing to contribute to any goal – 5000/1

Euro Predictions

Always one to stick my neck on the line, we introduce fellow housemate Sam Travell as the four of us continue in our quest to dominate the predictions world.

Winners:

JL: Germany
FK: Spain
RA: Germany
ST: Spain

Runners-up:

JL: Holland
FK: Portugal
RA: Spain
ST: Holland

England final position:

JL: Quarter-finals
FK: Quarter-finals
RA: Quarter-finals
ST: 3rd

England top scorer:

JL: Welbeck
FK: Welbeck
RA: Gerrard
ST: Rooney

Tournament top scorer:

JL: Benzema
FK: Huntelaar
RA: Villa (if not fit then Gomez)
ST: Van Persie

Will Stewart Downing score or get an assist?

JL: No
FK: Yes
RA: No
ST: Yes

Out of interest, what would your starting XI be for the opening match against France?

JL: (4-4-2) Hart; Jones, Cahill, Lescott, Baines; Oxlade-Chamberlain, Parker, Gerrard, Young; Welbeck, Defoe

FK: (4-3-3) Hart; Johnson, Lescott, Terry, Cole; Parker, Lampard, Gerrard; Milner, Welbeck, Young

RA: (4-4-2) Hart; Johnson, Lescott, Terry, Cole; Downing, Parker, Gerrard, Milner; Carroll, Defoe

ST: (4-4-2) Ruddy; Johnson, Lescott, Terry, Cole; Walcott, Lampard, Parker, Gerrard; Carroll, Welbeck

Tipster

Last time we brought you these predictions from our resident tipster. Two of these events have happened and one is still to come. Going over the two which have been completed, let’s see how he did:

Cricket – England tour of Sri Lanka

Draw at Columbo – Wrong, England win

Kevin Pietersen to get out to a left arm spinner in 1st Test at Galle – Wrong, left arm seamer and off-spinner

England1-0 series victory – Wrong, 1-1

Golf – The Masters

Rory Mcllroy to win by more than 3 shots – Wrong, finished on five over par, 15 shots off the leaders

Lee Westwood top ten finish – Correct, tied third

Dark Horse: Bubba Watson – Unbelievable shout

Tennis – French Open

Next up:

Men’s winner – Rafael Nadal (More at home at Roland Garros than Eric Pickles at a curry house)

Women’s winner – Ana Ivanovic

Flop - Andy Roddick

Rain stops plays

The decision to start the cricket season in early April has for some unknown reason not come off, with rain playing havoc with the fixtures. Yorkshire fast bowler Ajmal Shahzad has decided to go on loan to big rivals Lancashire…and subsequently took a wicket with his first ball. Yorkshire stalwart Geoffrey Boycott was extremely upset – he believed the batsman should have been playing on the front foot.

Andre Adams is the leading wicket taker having destroyed opposition attacks so far. His 31 wickets have come at 14 runs each. In the one match that he missed Somerset racked up 445/2 declared.

Defending champions Lancashire have started well with three losses and two draws from their opening five matches and as I type are watching Warwickshire rack up a huge total against them.

Having been watching the Indian Premier League instead of doing proper revision, I have been racking up plenty of material to use for when my internet has gone down, none more so than AB de Villiers’ 47* from 17 balls which included 23 from a Dale Steyn over. Unsurprisingly Chris Gayle is currently the orange cap holder (given to the batsman with the most runs). His hundred yesterday was absolutely unreal.

But the man who has made my IPL is the one and only Danny Morrison, the cricketing equivalent of Ray Hudson. See the end for a snippet of his commentary.

And for my blog on the West Indies http://jlamy.blogspot.co.uk/2012/05/farcical-circumstances-put-dampener-on.html

Elsewhere in the sporting world…

I don’t know about you, but I found the snooker an excellent foil to all attempts at revision. Watching Ronnie O’Sullivan in action is mesmerising when he hits top form. The same will almost certainly not be said about the David Haye v. Dereck Chisora fight which The Sun is trying to bill as the greatest fight on earth. That it is being stages at Upton Park, a scene of big, tall, strong, physical beasts, is probably quite apt. I’m just waiting for them to get Sam Allardyce in the ring.

Golf has another new superstar in Rickie Fowler. There is now talk of a Fowler v. McIlroy rivalry, alongside the McIlroy and Woods rivalry, Westwood and Donald etc. All this talk about rivalry is just crazy, after all, Ian Poulter is going to be out on his own by the end of the year having obliterated the field like a young Tiger on the golf course, or a slighty older Tiger in the bedroom.

Tennis is hardly the most controversial of sports, but still finds itself annoying its best players. Whether it is poor conditions, too many tournaments, or even the colour of clay. Yes, that’s right, an attempt by the Madrid Masters (the people who brought you models as cheerleaders the year before) to make the tennis balls more visible led to an upset Rafael Nadal and Novak Djokovic who found that, like on the court, they would battle it out to see who could be the best… in their criticisms.

Meanwhile, Roger Federer just brushed off the slightly slippier surface and won the title to go to number two in the world. With two majors coming up shortly, let’s hope for some more unbelievable tennis and, dare we hope, an Andy Murray triumph?

Heineken Cup final preview: Leinster v. Ulster – by Fraser Kesteven

Leinster go into this weekend’s Heineken Cup final with the realistic prospect of winning their third European title in four years. Such a feat would cement their status as Europe’s best and position them nicely to complete the double when challenging Ospreys for the domestic honours. If this could be achieved, as it most conceivably should, it will be thoroughly deserved and prove a fitting acknowledgement to the dominance they have shown over recent seasons
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On their way to the final Leinster have scored a total of 225 points, a large amount that has been gained through their incredible attacking prowess. Indeed, with a squad boasting the likes of Eoin Reddan, Jonny Sexton, and Gordon Darcy, it is unsurprising that they have proven adept at accumulating such high scores in abundance. Despite not having their talisman Brian O'Driscoll available for much of this tournament, Leinster possess a veritable plethora of strike runners, of which Luke Fitzgerald is the most prominent. This superiority in attack is not just exclusive to European games, with Leinster being the highest scorers in the RaboDirect Pro12, where they are the only team to have amassed more than 500 points, with 568 being their specific total. It is difficult to comprehend their opponents containing this offensive potency, and it seems likely that a preponderent Leinster will run them ragged.

Yet, the foundations on which their offensive dominance has been predicated are the solid displays their forwards have produced throughout the competition. The strong front row partnership of Healy, Strauss and Ross has remained sturdy throughout scrum time and provides powerful runners within loose play. Behind these is the experience of former All Black Brad Thorn and club captain Leo Cullen, who together have shown that Leinster possess an abrasive second row pairing with the ability to frequently intimidate the opposition. This in addition to the dynamism and malleability of the back row which, with confrontational players such as Sean O'Brian, Shane Jennings and Jamie Heaslip, is able to provide a decent platform from which to base their strategy. This is certainly the most powerful scrum in European rugby and it is more than likely that their usual dominance will persist.

However, they will first have to beat Ulster, who have surprised many on reaching the final. Having beaten some of the great European behemoths in this season's tournament, with Clermont Auvergne and Munster being the most prominent examples, Ulster will have to beat the greatest of them all if they are to win the title for the second time. This, though considerably unlikely, is not entirely implausible, and they will once again have to provide a monstrous performance if they have any hope of triumphing. Without possessing the superstar names of Leinster, the Northern Irishmen will have to rely upon the hard work and determination that has seen them through this year's competition. This will be most applicable to their obstinate defence which, marshalled by the Herculian efforts of Stephen Ferris, has provided a solid platform from which to mount their offense.

Whilst playing with 14 men against Munster, for example, this defensive intransigence consolidated their already positive position and made it difficult for the opponents to create sustainable attempts for points. This defensive organisation makes it easier for them to win penalties, which are usually dispatched by the incredible proficiency of Ruan Pienaar's goal kicking. Indeed, with a range that may well extend to past 60 metres, the Ulster scrum-half’s kicking ability may well prove the difference.  

Leinster are favourites and are well placed to claim the Heineken Cup title once again. The dominance they have shown both domestically and in Europe means that it is difficult to foresee a situation whereby their opponents Ulster triumph. Indeed, if this unlikely event is to occur it will have to be through an immense performance of monumental proportions, especially in light of Leinster's seeming impenetrability of late. The supremacy that Leinster currently enjoy means that the fate of this year's competition is largely in their hands, and their reign as European champions is set to continue.

Commentary Classics

Ray Hudson – Words cannot do justice to this brilliance http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=99zysFK7yxM

Danny Morrison – There aren’t many great videos of Danny but take a listen to the first few seconds of this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YCcNSmP-OXQ

Mark Nicholas – A quote which can be adapted to all sporting occasions, pure genius. Still unsure how a slower ball can be described as a “staggering gamble” but that’s unimportant http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KsWT87mBosg

Gary Neville – You’ve heard it a million times, but it’s still funny now http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WrNdLruucyU

Frankie Conway (Burn FM) – As featured previously http://audioboo.fm/boos/576351-sam-bell-goal-1-0-birmingham-manchester#t=0m23s

Sergio Aguero winning goal – The top 5 I have heard. If you’re a United fan I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to skip this next part

Arabic - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=74A9oRDI6uw

Argentinean (last few seconds are quality) – http://youtu.be/wJAUoSIODUw

Icelandic - http://youtu.be/l4gx8pSTQK0

Paul Merson - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NMs836VMTHQ&feature=related

Martin Tyler - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rRrXuObdeds


Akinfenwa – Nothing to do with commentary, but he is BEAST http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r4iOs4D56e8

And… because Warwickshire are soon to go top of the County Championship once again, I have no shame in showing you the ball of the century from their director of cricket… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2mESB4zb3Wg

I’d be interested to know what your favourite is.

That’s it from me, enjoy your summer and I will return soon, most probably once England have lost every match at Euro 2012.

Stay classy.