John O’Shea and Wes Brown are in the programme notes saying
how United deserve to win the title and praising Howard Webb as a great
referee.
15:02 - O’Shea scores an own-goal after deflecting a
Howard Webb flick-on into the net.
15:10 - Djibril Cisse opens the scoring at the
Etihad, but gets sent off because of his hair-cut.
15:12 - Joey Barton takes his phone out of one of his
socks and tweets that he is putting in a transfer request to go to Leeds and re-unite with Neil Warnock.
15:17 - Two quick-fire Wayne Rooney penalties put
United 3-0 up at Sunderland . Nicklas Bendtner
pulls a goal back but Webb rules that it did not cross the line despite the net
breaking.
15:35 - Carlos Tevez equalises and uses the corner
flag as a golf club for his celebration.
15:45 - Owen Hargreaves comes off the bench after
Nigel de Jong had injured himself in the warm-up trying to kung-fu Barton.
Hargreaves then spanks one in from 25 yards but does his hamstring whilst
celebrating and has to go off to a rousing ovation.
16:05 - Back at the Stadium of Light, it is now 6-0
with Ryan Giggs, Paul Scholes and Gary Neville - who has come down from the
commentary box after hearing of brother Phil’s exploits at Goodison Park
16:31 - A substitution is made at the Etihad, with Mark Hughes (wearing Shaun Derry’s jersey) coming on.
16:40 - With just 10 minutes to go, the Welshman nods
in Shaun Wright-Phillips’ cross in to level the scores. Hughes then runs to
Sheikh Mansour and puts his finger to his lips.
16:41 - Roberto Mancini, in a moment of inspired
genius brings on the only man who can change the course of this game…
Balotelli. The Italian marks his arrival by headbutting Barton who goes down
and is subsequently booked for complaining when the referee shakes Balotelli’s
hand.
16:50 - Neville’s frequent orgasms tell the City fans
that at Sunderland, where they are playing 10 minutes of added time, a Brown
own goal and a strike from Michael Owen, which went wide of the post but was
adjudged to have gone in, means United are now two points ahead and level on
goal difference.
16:52 - In their last attack, Barton brings down
Aguero. Balotelli strolls up to take the penalty kick. He bends down to his
sock, takes out a dart, throws it at Paddy Kenny, then when he’s not looking he
back-heels the ball into the net. The goal is allowed to stand and City win the
title by one goal.
Interviewed during the celebrations, Balotelli tells
reporters that he’s had a shit season, before setting off the fireworks inside
the stadium.
17:13 - At the Stadium of Light, Webb eventually
blows for time after 110 minutes of football. Geoff Shreeves then tells Sir
Alex Ferguson that he hasn’t won the Premier League title.
Webb ends the match with a season-high tally of assists.
Balotelli is banned for 20 games for his headbutt on Barton.
A Chicken blocks a Fernando Torres shot on the line. John
Terry is seen saying something to Yakubu and knees him in the leg. Yakubu then
turns around and smacks him to the ground. A banner is spotted flying over the
ground saying "Steve Kean Burnley legend." Didier Drogba goes down
after 30 seconds on coming on and gestures for the physio to come on.
Blackburn win and soon after Steve Kean is announced as the
new Chelsea
Everton v. Newcastle
Nikica Jelavic and Papiss Cisse both score six goals. Phil
Neville hits a new goal of the season meaning the whole Newcastle
Alex McLeish plays a 5-5-0 formation with Emile Heskey starting
as a holding midfielder. After a drab opening half, Delia Smith comes on to the
pitch at half-time and goads Villa, telling them “Let’s be ‘aving you.” McLeish
responds by changing to a 4-2-4 formation and his team end up winning 3-0 with
Heskey bagging a hat-trick in his final game for the club. Villa fans boo each
goal in a protest against McLeish, but he keeps his job and hires Delia to be
his new assistant manager.
Stoke City v. Bolton
Wanderers
Needing a win to stay up, Bolton find themselves 4-0 down at
half-time with Peter Crouch scoring two, including a scissor-kick from 40
yards, whilst Jon Walters and Danny Higginbotham score one each. However, in an
inspired second-half, David Wheater heads home twice, Martin Petrov curls one
in from distance and Nigel Reo-Coker sees his shot deflect in.
Coming up to the 90 minute mark, Kevin Davies flicks on a
corner into the net to seal a dramatic 5-4 win and with news coming in of Manchester City Bolton ’s direct style of play compared
to his side’s passing football.
Luis Suarez comes out for the warm-up with a t-shirt of two
sheep getting intimate but pleads innocence by saying that in Uruguay this is
what they do all the time. Swansea have 80%
possession and take the lead through Gylfi Sigurdsson, but Andy Carroll scores
an 89th minute header to earn a draw and is photographed that night
passed out in Newcastle
Kenny Dalglish says after the match that his team had been
dominant on the ball, Carroll does not have a drinking problem, Liverpool will
win the title next season, Stewart Downing has contributed a lot to the team,
and that he needs £200 million to spend. Brendan Rodgers turns up to his press
conference dressed as Elvis Presley.
Tottenham Hotspur v. Fulham
Half the Tottenham team go down with food poisoning after
eating a dodgy lasagne before the match. They take the lead through Emmanuel
Adebayor who runs the entire length of the pitch in celebration. Pavel
Pogrebnyak equalises with his only shot of the game then Danny Murphy scores
the winner and is then joined by Martin Jol in going to celebrate in front of
Daniel Levy.
Harry Redknapp admits that Murphy is a t’riffic player
before saying that Luka Modric, Gareth Bale and Rafael Van der Vaart will all
be leaving and that his dog Rosie
will play in midfield next season, saying that she is smarter than the rest of
his team.
West Bromwich Albion v.
Robin Van Persie
Robin Van Persie and Somen Tchoyi make it is 1-1 at
half-time. Peter Odemwingie, Jerome Thomas, Chris Brunt and Shane Long all
score to make it 5-1, before Van Persie bags four more himself. Alex
Oxlade-Chamberlain comes off the bench to score the winner, sparking jubilant
scenes in the away end as they celebrate finishing third. Roy Hodgson then
announces Oxlade-Chamberlain will not be part of his England
Dave Whelan announces that he has renamed one of the stands
at the DW stadium after Roberto Martinez. All 200 fans give him a standing
ovation. On the pitch, Wigan score through
Conor Sammon and Victor Moses, but Wolves earn a draw thanks to Steven Fletcher
and Michael Kightly goals. Terry Connor says he still believes Wolves can stay
up and confirms that he will be manager next season.
Lamy you are a comedy genius.
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