Some big news for both the people who read this. Due to my now ridiculous schedule, there is a good chance I will have to either slow down the frequency of my blogs or (if things get really bad) stop it all together. Hopefully I won't have to do anything too drastic.
Of course, I will continue to post random stuff and there is always my Facebook status and Twitter account. But let's not have negative thoughts, here is this week's blog, delivered despite shocking internet connectivity during the week which has made it hard to keep up to date.
A bit Arsey
Arsene Wenger put he wanted '14 more years' with the Gunners as his Facebook status. This was liked by Wayne Rooney, Peter Crouch, Didier Drogba, Sir Alex Ferguson and 10 others.
Fenerbahce banning men
I'm sure you heard this story, but I thought I'd mention it anyway. Turkish team Fenerbahce did the unthinkable and banned all men from a match due to hooliganism, leaving just women and children. Calm down dears...
For Fifa's sake
Those who went to school with me may remember a story from a maths lesson where the guy I was sitting next to had messed up a question with a calculator and in his frustration had written Error 2 as his answer. But somehow, the teacher (who will remain nameless although it's not too hard to guess who it was) decided to give the answer as correct and I don't think it was even for his working.
The point of this story? Well England were fourth in the Fifa rankings last month despite not playing a match. And now they have beaten Bulgaria and Wales but somehow have gone down to eighth in the rankings. Maybe Sepp Blatter was in my maths class as well.
AVB needs to learn from OBE
This week marked the anniversary of Brian Clough's death and Facebook was awash with some great videos of him. In particular I enjoyed his interview with John Motson which saw a frank exchange between the two men about the BBC's coverage of Saturday football.
But what struck me most was how Clough would tell his team to never yell at referees or berate them for bad decisions. And last Sunday, Andre Villas-Boas, after losing to Manchester United, decided to blame the linesman for not giving Chris Smalling and Nani offside before their goals. Yes, they were bad decisions, but why was there nobody near Smalling? And why did nobody close down Nani? And what about when Torres missed an open goal?
More importantly, Forest need their own Clough now. After spending Saturday out I rushed back from the train station to see that Forest were winning at Watford, but after watching the highlights I began to wonder how. The match was so bad that when Match of the Day finished later in the evening we had to turn the TV off before they showed the match on the Football League show.
My favourite moment was McClaren's interview after the match where he said at half-time he had told his team that if they got a chance they had to take it because they probably wouldn't get another one. Get the man a brolly!
You're Gowen nowhere
30 April 2011 - "I suppose I am dreaming of coming off the bench and scoring the stoppage-time winner in the Champions League final.
"That is the motivation that drives me on. Every day I have to be ready and prepared to come in and do something."
That was Michael Owen and to his credit he did score another goal. In case you forgot it was against Blackpool on the final day of the season when they were already Champions and the match was as good as won.
But now that he's scored two goals against Leeds and come on for Javier Hernandez against Stoke he hopes to break into the England squad. Now I like Owen and would like to see him back with the national side, but we know in two weeks time when Rooney, Hernandez and Welbeck are all fit he's going to be warming the bench again.
Milan madness
Gian Piero Gasperini was sacked as Inter manager after five months and replaced by Claudio Ranieri. I suppose it makes Rafa Benitez's time as manager in Milan look pretty decent now.
McIlroy roaring down the Tiger
In a headline on BBC Sport this week Rory McIlroy said Tiger Woods was past his peak. There's going to be a lot of unhappy women in Florida now.
5 Rugby players you would not want to take on in a fight
Right, a bit of background information to this. Fraser Kesteven was meant to do a top 10 with a bit of information on each one, but because he's busy spending all his time losing at Fifa, eating and giving rubbish banter this is all he could be bothered to do. I'm sorry for this pile of wank, but I suppose it's better than nothing.
1. Bakkies Botha
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aO12nItzYdw
2. Sebastian Chabal
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m-J3JfNtjHw
3. Courtney Lawes
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mAB9jlyE7Q4
4. Ma’a Nonu
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ULLlAkSChK4&feature=related
5. Henry Tuilagi
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hXGfHyZJTzE
Speaking of Fifa, it's been a good first week back in Birmingham with the Xbox 360. As expected I have been winning all my matches due to my experience at the world's greatest game, but even I didn't expect to beat Fraser 12-0 with Forest against Chelsea.
But by far the best idea was making it a house rule that if Emile Heskey or Dele Adebola scores a winning or equalising goal in the 85/115th minute onwards or a winning penalty then it is compulsory for everybody in the room (except the person who conceded) to run outside in celebration. So now you know if you come over.
I can tell you now, it is nerve wracking stuff when you do Forest v. Villa and it's 2-2 going into the final minute, but of course big Dele delivered, cue mad scenes in our garden. Then the following night, it was 2-2 again with Emile on a hat-trick and through on goal but fortunately Lee Camp saved my blushes. Then, as is standard, Dele scored another late winner. And despite the fact I was wearing smart clothes it was back into the garden again. There was still time for the big man to seal the hat-trick. Unbelievable tekkers!
Flop(ianski) of the week
Can we really have Fernando Torres two weeks in a row? This despite scoring both times? I may be wrong but I can't think of anything worse than his red card although I'm sure there is. With great timing, Didier Drogba made his return from injury and scored and now has three games to cement his place again in the starting line-up. No wonder he looked happy.
Hall of Lame
If you thought Fernando Torres deserved a red card then you should see this. I know I've posted it before, but still.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UZM8HPOGbv8
Weekly contest: Tipster v. Tramp
With the Selly Oak Tramp 5-3 up, we look at last week's predictions to see if the Tipster, who was less than a minute away from winning an accumulator, can catch up.
Last week's predictions
Who will be top scorer for England in Friday's T20 match v. West Indies
Tipster: Bairstow
Tramp: Kieswetter
Result: Hales
And the one we all want to know...
How many goals will Chelsea score against Swansea?
Tipster: 3
Tramp: 2
Result: 4
Ooh so close for both this week but the scores stay the same. Will they fare better this week I wonder?
How many points will be scored in the England v. Scotland match?
Tipster: 42
Tramp: 36
And the one we all want to know...
What will be the score in the Tottenham v. Arsenal match?
Tipster: 2-2
Tramp: 3-3 Tottenham
The week ahead
I'm going for some late drama here: Spurs late winner, England late winner, Liverpool late winner against Everton. Manchester United... 4-0 against Norwich.
Richard Dunne to score an own goal for Wigan.
Michael Owen to score against Basel then put in a come and get me plea to Barcelona.
Quotes of the week
Fraser Kesteven (on Friday): "Don't worry Joel, I will write the list tonight."
Michael Owen: "I can't see how the gaffer can bring Wayne back in now."
Fraser Kesteven (on Saturday): "Don't worry Joel, I will get it done."
Steve McClaren: "I told the team we need to keep a clean sheet because we aren't good enough to score."
Fraser Kesteven (on Sunday): "Yeah, I'm not going to do it."
Joel Lamy (on Sunday): Expletives deleted
Sunday 25 September 2011
Sunday 18 September 2011
Don't mention the Derby
It's been another dramatic week from all sports, but unfortunately I have had to miss out on commenting on the Davis Cup, County Championship and Seve Trophy as much as I would have liked to. Instead, there are other, smaller, stories which I have concentrated on that may have skipped your attention. Watch out for a video which I guarentee will you have you laughing out loud. Lol was made for this video.
Asamoah Gyan - consumate politician
"I'm really happy to be here. Al-Ain is an important club and this is a big challenge for me. There will be a lot of expectations on me, but not pressure.
"Everybody who has seen me in the World Cup and at Sunderland knows what I am capable of, but this is a new challenge for me as I'm a new player here.
"We have quality players in the club to win games and do well in the championships. We will try to build a winning team."
With bollocks like this maybe Gyan should follow fellow African George Weah into politics. After all, he is clearly a brilliant liar. Going to the UAE is not a challenge it's a way of life.
Sion want to arrest Platini
After being kicked out of the Europa League for fielding players who were not registed in a match against Celtic, Sion, instead of showing their gratitude for getting their Thursday nights back, decided to hit back at Uefa despite being warned beforehand what would happen. My favourite line was when it was suggested that Uefa President Michel Platini should be arrested. As impossible as that would be, they should be promised a spot in the Champions League if they were to pull it off. I mean, it's not as if Frenchman Platini would put up much resistance is there?
Be careful what you wish for Fernando
It's funny, before the Man U v. Chelsea match I had my bit for Fernando Torres written and ready. And then he scored, so in my mind I was thinking about changing it to something else. And then, he produced some nice skill to take the ball around David de Gea and I was preparing to scrap everything I had written about him. And then... well it can happen to the best of us (or even me). So after all that, I have kept exactly what I wrote about Torres from the start which is starting to look quite insightful right now, much more so than Gary Neville who said Stoke were great at defending (then conceded four against Sunderland of all teams) and said Nicolas Anelka would definitely start.
"When I changed club, I knew it was going to be a slow process, although I didn't expect it to be so long.
"Chelsea is, between the English teams, maybe the least English. That's because of the kind of player Chelsea has – an older player, who plays very slow, who has a lot of possession, and that's what the club is trying to change now.
"It's normal that it takes some time; it's not easy to find midfielders because the best are already in the best teams and that's why I said that the arrival of [Juan ] Mata is going to give another pace to the team.
"Daniel Sturridge, who has been ruled out for some matches, is also an incredible player, maybe the one that surprised me the most since I came here."
So Torres wants Mata and Sturridge to play in the Chelsea team. I assume in another week Didier Drogba will come straight back into the team as well and let's not forget Florent Malouda, Nicolas Anelka and Romelu Lukaku as well. So, where does that leave you in the team Fernando?
Chelsea rip-off
Bayer Leverkusen gave their fans a €20 discount for their match against Chelsea because their tickets were took expensive. Says it all really. Then again, Forest charged £33 for the Derby match. No wonder the fans aren't happy.
Italian Soccer Saturday
You think Phil Thompson is biased? Well you might want to think again after you watch this. Never have two goals been celebrated in such ridiculous fashion. I reckon if AC win the Champions League this guy will have a heart attack.
http://www.whoateallthepies.tv/champions_league/87176/tiziano-crudelis-heart-almost-explodes-watching-milan-vs-barcelona-video.html - funniest thing in the history of everything
Also, once I'd got back on Saturday I tuned in for the second half of Soccer Saturday with Jeff and the lads. As if I needed reminding about how brilliant the show is, Paul Merson was teased by Jeff for believing Stracqualursi had come on, but he couldn't pronounce his name. "He's got to have a nickname," bemoaned Merse. In fact, it was Valios who had come on.
Then, when Everton scored their second goal, he said the guy whose name he couldn't pronounce had scored. Then after describing the goal in detail he added, "Oh wait, it's Valios who scored." Cue widespread laughter in the studio. This was followed quickly after by a Wigan attack... "He's hit the beans on toast, I mean the crossbar. Come back to me in an hour."
Jeff then went to Chris Kamara. "Unbelievable Jeff," Kammy started. For those who were doing the drinking game, I hope you have now recovered. For me, it made Forest's defeat a bit easier to swallow.
A winner of a spinner just next door
England v. India:
Amit Mishra - 3 wickets at an average of 106.66
Harbhajan Singh - 2 wickets at an average of 143.5
Meanwhile, at Surrey, in four matches at the back-end of the season Pragyan Ohja took 24 wickets at an average of 12.95 as the Lions got promoted.
Nice to see the selectors are doing a good job. And India, thanks for coming.
Pink with envy
September 9 (three days before the match against Glamorgan): Kent director of cricket Paul Farbrace - "When Twenty20 started people said 'it's all a load of rubbish' and 'it's just pub cricket played by professionals'. Now it's the life blood of cricket and it's played all over the world.
"If in 10 years' time there is floodlit cricket played over four or five days and far more people are watching the game, we can look back and say we played a major part of that at Kent Cricket Club."
September 16 (1 day after losing by 8 wickets): Geraint Jones - "In terms of us playing county cricket with a pink ball, not in my lifetime I don't think.
"The balls made it a one-sided contest, heavily in favour of the batsmen.
"You couldn't play all year with a pink ball like that. It'd be the end of so many bowlers."
Farbace: "Let's go back to the red ball and white ball. I don't like it.
"The ball is the most important thing in cricket but it wasn't right. I'm not a fan of pink ball cricket."
I'm sure it had nothing to do with the fact that they had lost the match. And as for the ball favouring batsman, how come Kent managed to lose 20 wickets if it was going to 'be the end of so many bowlers'?
Messi fantasy football
After watching Barcelona's 8-0 victory over Osasuna it made me think. How much would Lionel Messi cost on a La Liga fantasy football? Would you even be able to afford another player?
Rug of war
We are already two weeks through the World Cup, no side has played well (except Ireland) and we still have another fortnight until the group stages are over. Let's hope things pick up a bit in the near future.
In other news, the team I have decided to lend my support to, Tonga, lost 25-20 to Canada. Just as long as they beat France.
Flop(ianski) of the week
An impossible decision between Forest and Torres. I suppose anyone can do a Torres, but to be a goal up and a man up after five minutes and still lose to your biggest rivals at home takes some beating.
Also, Somerset deserve a mention for being runners-up in five competitions over the last season, winning none.
As for Arsenal's defending, I'm fed up of slagging them off. Their fans are suffering enough and I count myself as someone who wants to see them do well.
Hall of Lame
I suppose the last time I was this embarrassed by Forest was the infamous Barry Roche coffee cup incident. For those who are unaware http://www.bbc.co.uk/derby/rams/2004/forest/coffee_cup.shtml
Weekly contest: Tipster v. Tramp
Here are all the predictions which were still ongoing last week:
Who will win the US Open?
Tipster: Nadal
Tramp: Djokovic
Result: Djokovic
How many sets will Novak Djokovic lose in the entire two weeks at Flushing Meadows?
Tipster: 8
Tramp: 5
Result: 4
And the one we all want to know...
What will be the result of the Forest v. Derby match?
Tipster: 3-2 Derby
Tramp: 2-1 Forest
Result: 2-1 Derby
Which means, after dominating the tennis predictions the Tramp adds another two points to his/her/its total, but a good football prediction from the Tipster means the score is tighter than it could have been. At the moment, the Tramp leads 5-3, with two rugby predictions ongoing. It's early doors, but the Tipster is being made to look foolish already.
This week's predictions
Who will be top scorer for England in Friday's T20 match v. West Indies
Tipster: Bairstow
Tramp: Kieswetter
And the one we all want to know...
How many goals will Chelsea score against Swansea?
Tipster: 3
Tramp: 2
The week ahead
More controversy in New Zealand where the England rugby team are seen playing ten-pin bowling with dwarves being used as bowling balls. Mike Tindall is then caught in bed with Imogen Thomas.
Kenny Dalglish, Sir Alex Ferguson and Jose Mourinho start their own campaign to investigate supposed conspiracy theories to stop them from winning matches.
Forest go into half-time of their match against Newcastle on Tuesday 3-0 up with their opponents down to 8 men. And the full-time result is... Forest 4-1 Newcastle. Ok, even they aren't bad enough to lose from there.
Quotes of the week
Cristiano Ronaldo - "I think that because I am rich, handsome and a great player people are envious of me." Tell me about it mate.
Arsene Wenger - "We conceded four fewer goals than our last away match in the league. That must be seen as an improvement." Ok, I couldn't resist one dig.
Harry Redknapp - "Absolutely t'riffic. Scotty Parker is the new Zidane and Luka should be playing for Barcelona."
And on that bombshell...
http://t.co/aMrOEUTo - Great quote at the end, but not from Mayweather.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KLebOIDBGeA - Quality disallowed goal
http://t.co/whFD6YZS - Divine intervention? Umm no
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/cricket/14895636.stm - the new Geoffrey Boycott?
Asamoah Gyan - consumate politician
"I'm really happy to be here. Al-Ain is an important club and this is a big challenge for me. There will be a lot of expectations on me, but not pressure.
"Everybody who has seen me in the World Cup and at Sunderland knows what I am capable of, but this is a new challenge for me as I'm a new player here.
"We have quality players in the club to win games and do well in the championships. We will try to build a winning team."
With bollocks like this maybe Gyan should follow fellow African George Weah into politics. After all, he is clearly a brilliant liar. Going to the UAE is not a challenge it's a way of life.
Sion want to arrest Platini
After being kicked out of the Europa League for fielding players who were not registed in a match against Celtic, Sion, instead of showing their gratitude for getting their Thursday nights back, decided to hit back at Uefa despite being warned beforehand what would happen. My favourite line was when it was suggested that Uefa President Michel Platini should be arrested. As impossible as that would be, they should be promised a spot in the Champions League if they were to pull it off. I mean, it's not as if Frenchman Platini would put up much resistance is there?
Be careful what you wish for Fernando
It's funny, before the Man U v. Chelsea match I had my bit for Fernando Torres written and ready. And then he scored, so in my mind I was thinking about changing it to something else. And then, he produced some nice skill to take the ball around David de Gea and I was preparing to scrap everything I had written about him. And then... well it can happen to the best of us (or even me). So after all that, I have kept exactly what I wrote about Torres from the start which is starting to look quite insightful right now, much more so than Gary Neville who said Stoke were great at defending (then conceded four against Sunderland of all teams) and said Nicolas Anelka would definitely start.
"When I changed club, I knew it was going to be a slow process, although I didn't expect it to be so long.
"Chelsea is, between the English teams, maybe the least English. That's because of the kind of player Chelsea has – an older player, who plays very slow, who has a lot of possession, and that's what the club is trying to change now.
"It's normal that it takes some time; it's not easy to find midfielders because the best are already in the best teams and that's why I said that the arrival of [Juan ] Mata is going to give another pace to the team.
"Daniel Sturridge, who has been ruled out for some matches, is also an incredible player, maybe the one that surprised me the most since I came here."
So Torres wants Mata and Sturridge to play in the Chelsea team. I assume in another week Didier Drogba will come straight back into the team as well and let's not forget Florent Malouda, Nicolas Anelka and Romelu Lukaku as well. So, where does that leave you in the team Fernando?
Chelsea rip-off
Bayer Leverkusen gave their fans a €20 discount for their match against Chelsea because their tickets were took expensive. Says it all really. Then again, Forest charged £33 for the Derby match. No wonder the fans aren't happy.
Italian Soccer Saturday
You think Phil Thompson is biased? Well you might want to think again after you watch this. Never have two goals been celebrated in such ridiculous fashion. I reckon if AC win the Champions League this guy will have a heart attack.
http://www.whoateallthepies.tv/champions_league/87176/tiziano-crudelis-heart-almost-explodes-watching-milan-vs-barcelona-video.html - funniest thing in the history of everything
Also, once I'd got back on Saturday I tuned in for the second half of Soccer Saturday with Jeff and the lads. As if I needed reminding about how brilliant the show is, Paul Merson was teased by Jeff for believing Stracqualursi had come on, but he couldn't pronounce his name. "He's got to have a nickname," bemoaned Merse. In fact, it was Valios who had come on.
Then, when Everton scored their second goal, he said the guy whose name he couldn't pronounce had scored. Then after describing the goal in detail he added, "Oh wait, it's Valios who scored." Cue widespread laughter in the studio. This was followed quickly after by a Wigan attack... "He's hit the beans on toast, I mean the crossbar. Come back to me in an hour."
Jeff then went to Chris Kamara. "Unbelievable Jeff," Kammy started. For those who were doing the drinking game, I hope you have now recovered. For me, it made Forest's defeat a bit easier to swallow.
A winner of a spinner just next door
England v. India:
Amit Mishra - 3 wickets at an average of 106.66
Harbhajan Singh - 2 wickets at an average of 143.5
Meanwhile, at Surrey, in four matches at the back-end of the season Pragyan Ohja took 24 wickets at an average of 12.95 as the Lions got promoted.
Nice to see the selectors are doing a good job. And India, thanks for coming.
Pink with envy
September 9 (three days before the match against Glamorgan): Kent director of cricket Paul Farbrace - "When Twenty20 started people said 'it's all a load of rubbish' and 'it's just pub cricket played by professionals'. Now it's the life blood of cricket and it's played all over the world.
"If in 10 years' time there is floodlit cricket played over four or five days and far more people are watching the game, we can look back and say we played a major part of that at Kent Cricket Club."
September 16 (1 day after losing by 8 wickets): Geraint Jones - "In terms of us playing county cricket with a pink ball, not in my lifetime I don't think.
"The balls made it a one-sided contest, heavily in favour of the batsmen.
"You couldn't play all year with a pink ball like that. It'd be the end of so many bowlers."
Farbace: "Let's go back to the red ball and white ball. I don't like it.
I'm sure it had nothing to do with the fact that they had lost the match. And as for the ball favouring batsman, how come Kent managed to lose 20 wickets if it was going to 'be the end of so many bowlers'?
Messi fantasy football
After watching Barcelona's 8-0 victory over Osasuna it made me think. How much would Lionel Messi cost on a La Liga fantasy football? Would you even be able to afford another player?
Rug of war
We are already two weeks through the World Cup, no side has played well (except Ireland) and we still have another fortnight until the group stages are over. Let's hope things pick up a bit in the near future.
In other news, the team I have decided to lend my support to, Tonga, lost 25-20 to Canada. Just as long as they beat France.
Flop(ianski) of the week
An impossible decision between Forest and Torres. I suppose anyone can do a Torres, but to be a goal up and a man up after five minutes and still lose to your biggest rivals at home takes some beating.
Also, Somerset deserve a mention for being runners-up in five competitions over the last season, winning none.
As for Arsenal's defending, I'm fed up of slagging them off. Their fans are suffering enough and I count myself as someone who wants to see them do well.
Hall of Lame
I suppose the last time I was this embarrassed by Forest was the infamous Barry Roche coffee cup incident. For those who are unaware http://www.bbc.co.uk/derby/rams/2004/forest/coffee_cup.shtml
Weekly contest: Tipster v. Tramp
Here are all the predictions which were still ongoing last week:
Who will win the US Open?
Tipster: Nadal
Tramp: Djokovic
Result: Djokovic
How many sets will Novak Djokovic lose in the entire two weeks at Flushing Meadows?
Tipster: 8
Tramp: 5
Result: 4
And the one we all want to know...
What will be the result of the Forest v. Derby match?
Tipster: 3-2 Derby
Tramp: 2-1 Forest
Result: 2-1 Derby
Which means, after dominating the tennis predictions the Tramp adds another two points to his/her/its total, but a good football prediction from the Tipster means the score is tighter than it could have been. At the moment, the Tramp leads 5-3, with two rugby predictions ongoing. It's early doors, but the Tipster is being made to look foolish already.
This week's predictions
Who will be top scorer for England in Friday's T20 match v. West Indies
Tipster: Bairstow
Tramp: Kieswetter
And the one we all want to know...
How many goals will Chelsea score against Swansea?
Tipster: 3
Tramp: 2
The week ahead
More controversy in New Zealand where the England rugby team are seen playing ten-pin bowling with dwarves being used as bowling balls. Mike Tindall is then caught in bed with Imogen Thomas.
Kenny Dalglish, Sir Alex Ferguson and Jose Mourinho start their own campaign to investigate supposed conspiracy theories to stop them from winning matches.
Forest go into half-time of their match against Newcastle on Tuesday 3-0 up with their opponents down to 8 men. And the full-time result is... Forest 4-1 Newcastle. Ok, even they aren't bad enough to lose from there.
Quotes of the week
Cristiano Ronaldo - "I think that because I am rich, handsome and a great player people are envious of me." Tell me about it mate.
Arsene Wenger - "We conceded four fewer goals than our last away match in the league. That must be seen as an improvement." Ok, I couldn't resist one dig.
Harry Redknapp - "Absolutely t'riffic. Scotty Parker is the new Zidane and Luka should be playing for Barcelona."
And on that bombshell...
http://t.co/aMrOEUTo - Great quote at the end, but not from Mayweather.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KLebOIDBGeA - Quality disallowed goal
http://t.co/whFD6YZS - Divine intervention? Umm no
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/cricket/14895636.stm - the new Geoffrey Boycott?
Sunday 11 September 2011
Transfer window winners and losers
After a two week hiatus I have returned with all the promise and hype of Kevin Keegan managing Newcastle or Alan Shearer managing Newcastle or Sir Bobby Robson (RIP) managing Newcastle or Joe Kinnear umm maybe not. However, unlike some of those listed, I hope I have managed to live up to all expectations with my effort this week. Like a certain Mario Balotelli did...
Transfer deadline day round-upUnfortunately I was on holiday during the last week so I came back only to realise that virtually every team seemed to have changed remarkably from when I had left. Except Forest that is. Here is my round-up of the transfer window:
The bolting the barn door award for doing business when it was too late goes to... Arsenal
The it's Christmas Eve and I've not got any gifts award for making a late dash to sign a host of players goes to... QPR
The smug bastard award for conducting all their transfer business early before enjoying watching the others scramble at the last minute goes to... Manchester United
The every Derby County fan is a sheepshagger award for playing up to their stereotype is... Stoke City (after signing Peter Crouch)
The it's blatantly obvious that I want to be manager of Manchester United award goes to... Steve Bruce
The get rich or die trying award (sponsored by 50 Cent) goes to... Leicester City
The Aloe Blacc award for desperately needing a dollar goes to... Everton
The Tottenham Hotspur feeder club award goes to... Stoke City (followed by Aston Villa)
The Arsenal feeder club award goes to... Tottenham Hotspur
The I told you so award goes to... Emmanuel Adebayor, who didn't go to Real Madrid, as I went on about earlier on in the year
The Peter Moores and Kevin Pietersen award for a partnership which is not going to end well goes to... Joey Barton and Neil Warnock - or at least, I hope that's the case
The RBS award for taking the money then not giving it back goes to... Mike Ashley
The Colonel Gaddafi award for being the most wanted man alive goes to... Peter Crouch as agents fight over to get the 10% he pays them following his move to a different club every year
What will really happen between now and Euro 2012It wasn't inspiring, but England, somehow, are only one point away from making Euro 2012 thanks to Rob Earnshaw's miss.
Assuming (should never use that word), that England do qualify, we will once again be on the verge of another tournament where everyone says we have a chance of winning it if Lampard and Gerrard learn to play together, Terry doesn't shag Rooney's wife and Capello is swapped for Sven.
But what will really happen between now and the start of the tournament? Let me look into my crystal ball.
England are 1-0 down in Montenegro, but Lampard hits a shot through the side netting which ends up in the goal. The Italian referee, Stuenzo Attwellio, says it was legitimate and England hang on to qualify.
Friendlies against Holland and Spain are lined up. Against the Dutch, England lose 2-0 with 9 men after having five people stretchered off from challenges by Nigel de Jong.
Against Spain, they are two-nil up courtesy of Young and Walcott, but Fernando Torres scores twice and Lionel Messi, who has defected because he wasn't being appreciated in Argentina, hits the winner.
2012:
Theo Walcott, writing in his second autobiography, Hitting Puberty, says how angry he is not to be considered as a striker any more and eventually retires from international football with what is probably the most number of England caps without ever being to a tournament.
Andy Carroll is put in hospital due to drinking excessive alcohol. His manager, Kenny Dalglish, still maintains that he doesn't have a drinking problem. In his place, Capello calls up Heskey with no other options available as all other strikers have retired from international football. After bundling in the winner in a friendly against Andorra, it is impossible to leave him out again.
Capello brings in David Beckham as his translator. During a training session Beckham impresses Capello so much that he is now irreplacable in the squad.
Beckham breaks a metatarsal playing for QPR (who he joined after his former club, Leicester City, went bust). The country holds it's breath as Beckham tries to desperately regain fitness in time for the start of the tournament.
John Terry shags Gareth Barry's wife so he pulls out of the squad. Terry becomes a national hero.
It is then discovered that Terry is actually the father of Beckham's daughter, Harper Seven. At once, he is dropped as captain and replaced by Beckham.
Joey Barton makes fun of Wayne Rooney's new mullet hairstyle and the pair end up getting in a fight on the streets. Result? Rooney is to be in prison during the tournament for GBH.
In a surprise move, Rooney is given early release after one week, just before Capello names his squad for the tournament. He is part of the 23 man squad alongside Barton (plus a couple of other surprises)
First match of the tournament...
Starting XI: Hart; Smalling, Terry, Campbell, Bridge; Beckham, Lampard, Barton, Gerrard; Rooney, Heskey
What happens from then on is anybody's guess.
But speaking of early international retirements:
Lampard - "One thing I do know is that, while I can give everything, I will give everything. And the only time I would probably not play for England is when the manager doesn't want pick me any more - which can happen - or whether I find it a lot more beneficial for me in terms of my long-term career that I don't want to play, and I'm certainly not near that."
So basically, if he's not in the starting eleven, he will be willing to quit to prolong his time at Chelsea. Or am I mis-understanding him?
Fifa farce
There was a fight in the Spain v. Chile match which the World Champions won 3-2 after a controversial stoppage time penalty. All this was on Fifa's Fair Play day. I suppose that's how serious we all take Fifa these days.
Sunderland are Gyan doing the table
It's the news all football fans fear. You're star striker fleeing to the UAE for more money, only to be replaced up front by... Nicklas Bendtner.
Strictly knock-out
As somebody who isn't a great fan of dancing, unless I'm throwing some shapes Inbetweeners' style (yes I know I look like one of them, as some random guy told me in town on Thursday), the only reason to see who is in the new series of Strictly Come Dancing is to see which sportsmen will be taking part. And, let's be honest, to see who all the guys will be perving over, which on this occasion will be Holly Valance.
So it was to my disappointment that I saw Robbie Savage and Audley Harrison were the ones who had chosen to take part. So we have the guy everybody hates v. the guy everyone laughs at. But which is which?
More importantly, who would win in a fight?
Judging by this video, Savage clearly hasn't got much of a chin and when he wants to, Audley can seriously hurt his opponents. Verdict: After 3 rounds of gentle sparring, it's an Audley win by knockout.
And as for the dancing? I think I'm backing Savage on that one.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QbCuYuYlozA
Mario land
I know you've probably heard about these already, but if you haven't, well that's what I'm here for. Thank you Mario for being a hero.
http://www.metro.co.uk/sport/oddballs/865448-mario-balotelli-named-in-police-report-involving-mafia-tours-of-napoli
http://www.metro.co.uk/sport/oddballs/874501-mario-balotelli-busted-fiddling-with-ipad-while-on-italy-substitutes-bench
Flop of the week
In my only reference to the athletics which I missed most of (not really my thing), I should mention the 4x100m sprint team who once again dropped a clanger, or maybe that's just the sound the baton makes it when it hits the floor.
But something even more embarrassing happened this week...
He was good for Forest, but what happened to goal machine Rob Earnshaw? The slayer of Derby, Leicester and other teams nobody cares about couldn't even tap in from five yards.
He joins a long list of people who have suffered similar fates...
Hall of Lame
Including... Chris Iwelumo. Here we have another Championship striker missing a sitter on International duty.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RqkShPKgAbw
Bring back Dele
Another disappointing defeat for Forest with another set-piece goal conceded. I think we are missing a bit of a presence in the side. Now, who could we bring in that is big, strong and good at heading?
Lawrie goes all Hollywood
2007 - Lawrie Sanchez left Northern Ireland to go and manage Fulham. Fair enough, you say, it's hard to turn down a decent Premier League side.
2009 - "The fact that I left Northern Ireland at the time that I did is the one major regret of my managerial career."
"I loved my time with Northern Ireland and I'd like to finish off what I started."
2011- "Nigel (Worthington) has had enough cracks at it. Everybody sees the writing is on the wall.
"He is not doing an exceptional job. It's not happening.
"It has got worse rather than better. Everybody realises it is time for a change."
Sanchez said he would consider managing Northern Ireland again should the Irish Football Association decide to sack Worthington.
"I have always said I would like to finish what I started," he told Radio Ulster. "I would like the opportunity. I would like to return to Northern Ireland in the future."
Right, you leave your country to manage Fulham then things go badly there and you get sacked. So then, you wait until Northern Ireland start losing and keep saying you should be put back in charge.
I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that he is now manager of League Two Barnet (no disrespect). But there is something ominous at the way he keeps talking about finishing what he started. It's not like the Northern Ireland team has changed in the last four years or anything...
Unbelievable Jeff!
Having completed Jeff Stelling's book, Jellyman's Thrown a Wobbly, on holiday, I thought I should write a quick review. And when I say review, I mean say what a fine piece of work it is.
If you enjoy watch Soccer Saturday, whether every week or on the odd occasion, then this is certainly a book you should read. It contains lots of great insight into the life of Jeff, including his quotes, his drinking game, his journey into broadcasting and his relationship with the pundits on the show.
But more than that, it really highlights how a show, which is, in Jeff's words, you (the viewer) watching four guys watch football, has earned cult status amongst football fans.
I really enjoyed the book and am sure that it will be revisited some time in the future when in need of a light read and a good laugh.
Rugby World Cup
It's that time every four years where I try and pretend that I know something about rugby, which I clearly don't. My last taste of rugby must have been in Year 8 when we were so bad that we rarely evolved to anything past touch rugby, although it provided one brilliant moment when one player started celebrating a try before putting the ball down, only to see himself aggresively "tackled" by an opponent, thus robbing him of his glory. Great times.
So far I have not been able to watch any of the tournament so I was fortunate to miss England's uninspiring win against Argentina.
It's amazing that during the football equivalent last summer I was rooting for New Zealand to win and now 14 months on, I just want to see them choke and lose. Admittedly, I still want the French to lose badly, really, really badly.
The best thing about these tournaments is picking a minnow side who you want to do well. Out of all the teams I can see, I am going to root for Tonga for the simple reason that I want them to beat France.
For those who will be getting up early to watch the matches, good luck. Here's hoping you are rewarded more than in the football last year, which was about as inspiring as an Avram Grant team-talk.
Flushing hell
America, we are often told, is the richest country on earth, a superpower unmatched by all others. But clearly, nobody told the organisers at the US Open who let the courts get flooded by rain because they don't have any covers, then get staff to go around with cloths trying to mop it up. I suppose this is what you would expect of tennis tournaments... when Fred Perry was playing.
And if that wasn't enough, in a desperation to get the players back on of the courts, they tried to cover up a crack in the surface which was leaking water with some tape. Sadly enough, Flushing Meadows is run more like a student household than a Grand Slam.
On the court, we saw Andy Murray celebrate after coming through two matches in two days only to face Rafa Nadal. I always find it strange how much Murray seems to enjoy beating the lesser lights because he knows what's going to happen in the semi final.
Watching him shout at himself after every bad shot becomes a bit annoying after a while. But I feel sorry for the poor ball boys who have to hand him his towel while he tells them what a rubbish return he just hit. I'm just waiting for one of them to tell him, "yeah, that was crap mate." Maybe that would quieten Murray up.
As for Djokovic... this is becoming ridiculous. Stop it.
Pipe down Pakistan
A New Zealand beer advert from former cricket Daryl Tuffey has annoyed Pakistan for referring to the match fixing scandal. All I can say is I hope it has. Why are we playing them again so soon I have no idea, but I hope we whitewash them in all forms of the game this winter.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/cricket/14788041.stm
Weekly predictions: Tipster v. the Selly Oak Tramp
Last predictions before the break...
Who will win the US Open?
Tipster: Nadal
Tramp: Djokovic
Result: Both are in the final
First goal-scorer in Manchester United v. Arsenal match?
Tipster: Van Persie
Tramp: Nani
Result: Welbeck
How many sets will Novak Djokovic lose in the entire two weeks at Flushing Meadows?
Tipster: 8
Tramp: 5
Result: Currently 3
The two tennis predictions will go on to next week. At the moment it is Tramp 3-2 Tipster
This week's predictions
Who will win the Rugby World Cup?
Tipster: New Zealand
Tramp: New Zealand
How well will England do in the tournament?
Tipster: 3rd
Tramp: 4th
And the one we all want to know...
What will be the result of the Forest v. Derby match?
Tipster: 3-2 Derby
Tramp: 2-1 Forest
http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/video/2011/sep/07/al-ahly-amir-sayoud-misses-penalty-video?CMP=twt_gu
http://www.people.co.uk/news/uk-world-news/2011/09/04/newcastle-united-owner-mike-ashley-s-full-monty-strip-in-a-chinese-restaurant-102039-23394181/ - The pride of Newcastle
http://www.rafabenitez.com/web/index.php?idioma=in - the best thing on the internet. Fact.And on that bombshell...
http://twitpic.com/6i1spv - This sums up why I love Iniesta. Would you see Cashley and Terry doing this?
Transfer deadline day round-upUnfortunately I was on holiday during the last week so I came back only to realise that virtually every team seemed to have changed remarkably from when I had left. Except Forest that is. Here is my round-up of the transfer window:
The bolting the barn door award for doing business when it was too late goes to... Arsenal
The it's Christmas Eve and I've not got any gifts award for making a late dash to sign a host of players goes to... QPR
The smug bastard award for conducting all their transfer business early before enjoying watching the others scramble at the last minute goes to... Manchester United
The every Derby County fan is a sheepshagger award for playing up to their stereotype is... Stoke City (after signing Peter Crouch)
The it's blatantly obvious that I want to be manager of Manchester United award goes to... Steve Bruce
The get rich or die trying award (sponsored by 50 Cent) goes to... Leicester City
The Aloe Blacc award for desperately needing a dollar goes to... Everton
The Tottenham Hotspur feeder club award goes to... Stoke City (followed by Aston Villa)
The Arsenal feeder club award goes to... Tottenham Hotspur
The I told you so award goes to... Emmanuel Adebayor, who didn't go to Real Madrid, as I went on about earlier on in the year
The Peter Moores and Kevin Pietersen award for a partnership which is not going to end well goes to... Joey Barton and Neil Warnock - or at least, I hope that's the case
The RBS award for taking the money then not giving it back goes to... Mike Ashley
The Colonel Gaddafi award for being the most wanted man alive goes to... Peter Crouch as agents fight over to get the 10% he pays them following his move to a different club every year
What will really happen between now and Euro 2012It wasn't inspiring, but England, somehow, are only one point away from making Euro 2012 thanks to Rob Earnshaw's miss.
Assuming (should never use that word), that England do qualify, we will once again be on the verge of another tournament where everyone says we have a chance of winning it if Lampard and Gerrard learn to play together, Terry doesn't shag Rooney's wife and Capello is swapped for Sven.
But what will really happen between now and the start of the tournament? Let me look into my crystal ball.
England are 1-0 down in Montenegro, but Lampard hits a shot through the side netting which ends up in the goal. The Italian referee, Stuenzo Attwellio, says it was legitimate and England hang on to qualify.
Friendlies against Holland and Spain are lined up. Against the Dutch, England lose 2-0 with 9 men after having five people stretchered off from challenges by Nigel de Jong.
Against Spain, they are two-nil up courtesy of Young and Walcott, but Fernando Torres scores twice and Lionel Messi, who has defected because he wasn't being appreciated in Argentina, hits the winner.
2012:
Theo Walcott, writing in his second autobiography, Hitting Puberty, says how angry he is not to be considered as a striker any more and eventually retires from international football with what is probably the most number of England caps without ever being to a tournament.
Andy Carroll is put in hospital due to drinking excessive alcohol. His manager, Kenny Dalglish, still maintains that he doesn't have a drinking problem. In his place, Capello calls up Heskey with no other options available as all other strikers have retired from international football. After bundling in the winner in a friendly against Andorra, it is impossible to leave him out again.
Capello brings in David Beckham as his translator. During a training session Beckham impresses Capello so much that he is now irreplacable in the squad.
Beckham breaks a metatarsal playing for QPR (who he joined after his former club, Leicester City, went bust). The country holds it's breath as Beckham tries to desperately regain fitness in time for the start of the tournament.
John Terry shags Gareth Barry's wife so he pulls out of the squad. Terry becomes a national hero.
It is then discovered that Terry is actually the father of Beckham's daughter, Harper Seven. At once, he is dropped as captain and replaced by Beckham.
Joey Barton makes fun of Wayne Rooney's new mullet hairstyle and the pair end up getting in a fight on the streets. Result? Rooney is to be in prison during the tournament for GBH.
In a surprise move, Rooney is given early release after one week, just before Capello names his squad for the tournament. He is part of the 23 man squad alongside Barton (plus a couple of other surprises)
First match of the tournament...
Starting XI: Hart; Smalling, Terry, Campbell, Bridge; Beckham, Lampard, Barton, Gerrard; Rooney, Heskey
What happens from then on is anybody's guess.
But speaking of early international retirements:
Lampard - "One thing I do know is that, while I can give everything, I will give everything. And the only time I would probably not play for England is when the manager doesn't want pick me any more - which can happen - or whether I find it a lot more beneficial for me in terms of my long-term career that I don't want to play, and I'm certainly not near that."
So basically, if he's not in the starting eleven, he will be willing to quit to prolong his time at Chelsea. Or am I mis-understanding him?
Fifa farce
There was a fight in the Spain v. Chile match which the World Champions won 3-2 after a controversial stoppage time penalty. All this was on Fifa's Fair Play day. I suppose that's how serious we all take Fifa these days.
Sunderland are Gyan doing the table
It's the news all football fans fear. You're star striker fleeing to the UAE for more money, only to be replaced up front by... Nicklas Bendtner.
Strictly knock-out
As somebody who isn't a great fan of dancing, unless I'm throwing some shapes Inbetweeners' style (yes I know I look like one of them, as some random guy told me in town on Thursday), the only reason to see who is in the new series of Strictly Come Dancing is to see which sportsmen will be taking part. And, let's be honest, to see who all the guys will be perving over, which on this occasion will be Holly Valance.
So it was to my disappointment that I saw Robbie Savage and Audley Harrison were the ones who had chosen to take part. So we have the guy everybody hates v. the guy everyone laughs at. But which is which?
More importantly, who would win in a fight?
Judging by this video, Savage clearly hasn't got much of a chin and when he wants to, Audley can seriously hurt his opponents. Verdict: After 3 rounds of gentle sparring, it's an Audley win by knockout.
And as for the dancing? I think I'm backing Savage on that one.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QbCuYuYlozA
Mario land
I know you've probably heard about these already, but if you haven't, well that's what I'm here for. Thank you Mario for being a hero.
http://www.metro.co.uk/sport/oddballs/865448-mario-balotelli-named-in-police-report-involving-mafia-tours-of-napoli
http://www.metro.co.uk/sport/oddballs/874501-mario-balotelli-busted-fiddling-with-ipad-while-on-italy-substitutes-bench
Flop of the week
In my only reference to the athletics which I missed most of (not really my thing), I should mention the 4x100m sprint team who once again dropped a clanger, or maybe that's just the sound the baton makes it when it hits the floor.
But something even more embarrassing happened this week...
He was good for Forest, but what happened to goal machine Rob Earnshaw? The slayer of Derby, Leicester and other teams nobody cares about couldn't even tap in from five yards.
He joins a long list of people who have suffered similar fates...
Hall of Lame
Including... Chris Iwelumo. Here we have another Championship striker missing a sitter on International duty.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RqkShPKgAbw
Bring back Dele
Another disappointing defeat for Forest with another set-piece goal conceded. I think we are missing a bit of a presence in the side. Now, who could we bring in that is big, strong and good at heading?
Lawrie goes all Hollywood
2007 - Lawrie Sanchez left Northern Ireland to go and manage Fulham. Fair enough, you say, it's hard to turn down a decent Premier League side.
2009 - "The fact that I left Northern Ireland at the time that I did is the one major regret of my managerial career."
"I loved my time with Northern Ireland and I'd like to finish off what I started."
2011- "Nigel (Worthington) has had enough cracks at it. Everybody sees the writing is on the wall.
"He is not doing an exceptional job. It's not happening.
"It has got worse rather than better. Everybody realises it is time for a change."
Sanchez said he would consider managing Northern Ireland again should the Irish Football Association decide to sack Worthington.
"I have always said I would like to finish what I started," he told Radio Ulster. "I would like the opportunity. I would like to return to Northern Ireland in the future."
Right, you leave your country to manage Fulham then things go badly there and you get sacked. So then, you wait until Northern Ireland start losing and keep saying you should be put back in charge.
I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that he is now manager of League Two Barnet (no disrespect). But there is something ominous at the way he keeps talking about finishing what he started. It's not like the Northern Ireland team has changed in the last four years or anything...
Unbelievable Jeff!
Having completed Jeff Stelling's book, Jellyman's Thrown a Wobbly, on holiday, I thought I should write a quick review. And when I say review, I mean say what a fine piece of work it is.
If you enjoy watch Soccer Saturday, whether every week or on the odd occasion, then this is certainly a book you should read. It contains lots of great insight into the life of Jeff, including his quotes, his drinking game, his journey into broadcasting and his relationship with the pundits on the show.
But more than that, it really highlights how a show, which is, in Jeff's words, you (the viewer) watching four guys watch football, has earned cult status amongst football fans.
I really enjoyed the book and am sure that it will be revisited some time in the future when in need of a light read and a good laugh.
Rugby World Cup
It's that time every four years where I try and pretend that I know something about rugby, which I clearly don't. My last taste of rugby must have been in Year 8 when we were so bad that we rarely evolved to anything past touch rugby, although it provided one brilliant moment when one player started celebrating a try before putting the ball down, only to see himself aggresively "tackled" by an opponent, thus robbing him of his glory. Great times.
So far I have not been able to watch any of the tournament so I was fortunate to miss England's uninspiring win against Argentina.
It's amazing that during the football equivalent last summer I was rooting for New Zealand to win and now 14 months on, I just want to see them choke and lose. Admittedly, I still want the French to lose badly, really, really badly.
The best thing about these tournaments is picking a minnow side who you want to do well. Out of all the teams I can see, I am going to root for Tonga for the simple reason that I want them to beat France.
For those who will be getting up early to watch the matches, good luck. Here's hoping you are rewarded more than in the football last year, which was about as inspiring as an Avram Grant team-talk.
Flushing hell
America, we are often told, is the richest country on earth, a superpower unmatched by all others. But clearly, nobody told the organisers at the US Open who let the courts get flooded by rain because they don't have any covers, then get staff to go around with cloths trying to mop it up. I suppose this is what you would expect of tennis tournaments... when Fred Perry was playing.
And if that wasn't enough, in a desperation to get the players back on of the courts, they tried to cover up a crack in the surface which was leaking water with some tape. Sadly enough, Flushing Meadows is run more like a student household than a Grand Slam.
On the court, we saw Andy Murray celebrate after coming through two matches in two days only to face Rafa Nadal. I always find it strange how much Murray seems to enjoy beating the lesser lights because he knows what's going to happen in the semi final.
Watching him shout at himself after every bad shot becomes a bit annoying after a while. But I feel sorry for the poor ball boys who have to hand him his towel while he tells them what a rubbish return he just hit. I'm just waiting for one of them to tell him, "yeah, that was crap mate." Maybe that would quieten Murray up.
As for Djokovic... this is becoming ridiculous. Stop it.
Pipe down Pakistan
A New Zealand beer advert from former cricket Daryl Tuffey has annoyed Pakistan for referring to the match fixing scandal. All I can say is I hope it has. Why are we playing them again so soon I have no idea, but I hope we whitewash them in all forms of the game this winter.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/cricket/14788041.stm
Weekly predictions: Tipster v. the Selly Oak Tramp
Last predictions before the break...
Who will win the US Open?
Tipster: Nadal
Tramp: Djokovic
Result: Both are in the final
First goal-scorer in Manchester United v. Arsenal match?
Tipster: Van Persie
Tramp: Nani
Result: Welbeck
How many sets will Novak Djokovic lose in the entire two weeks at Flushing Meadows?
Tipster: 8
Tramp: 5
Result: Currently 3
The two tennis predictions will go on to next week. At the moment it is Tramp 3-2 Tipster
This week's predictions
Who will win the Rugby World Cup?
Tipster: New Zealand
Tramp: New Zealand
How well will England do in the tournament?
Tipster: 3rd
Tramp: 4th
And the one we all want to know...
What will be the result of the Forest v. Derby match?
Tipster: 3-2 Derby
Tramp: 2-1 Forest
http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/video/2011/sep/07/al-ahly-amir-sayoud-misses-penalty-video?CMP=twt_gu
http://www.people.co.uk/news/uk-world-news/2011/09/04/newcastle-united-owner-mike-ashley-s-full-monty-strip-in-a-chinese-restaurant-102039-23394181/ - The pride of Newcastle
http://www.rafabenitez.com/web/index.php?idioma=in - the best thing on the internet. Fact.And on that bombshell...
http://twitpic.com/6i1spv - This sums up why I love Iniesta. Would you see Cashley and Terry doing this?
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