It finally happened. Whilst England enjoyed probably its longest drought in history, Fernando Torres finally ended his with a goal after 732 minutes of football. Elsewhere, we have seen Arsenal again collapse like an Australian batting line-up, we have seen Mourinho win another trophy and every footballer, actor and celebrity has taken out injunctions, super-injunctions, hyper-injunctions (whatever those are) or have just banned the whole world from talking about what they have got up to. Also, fans of Sky Sports News should read on for exciting information.
The past week
Having watched his team mate, who joined at the same time as him, score twice, Torres finally decided to do what he has been paid a lot of money to do. After watching several replays, I am convinced that if the ball hadn't got stuck in a puddle it would have gone out of play and we would have continued to laugh at him. But if you can't score against West Ham's defence, then you're probably in the wrong league.
The same match saw Wayne Bridge once again refuse to shake John Terry's hand. I can't help but respect someone who hates Terry, but any sympathy for Bridge is running thin. This is the same man who is a Premier League footballer, has played for England and more importantly, has gone out with Vanessa Perroncel and Frankie Sandford. That's a pretty good revenge.
And in more good news for men everywhere, it was announced this week that Kirsty Gallacher will rejoin Sky Sports News next month joining a stellar cast which includes Charlotte Jackson, Millie Clode, Natalie Sawyer and, the now single Georgie Thompson. Unbelievable tekkers!
Of course this week has seen more usage of injunctions and super-injunctions to keep people from finding out that footballers cheat on their wives (yes really). If you are looking for even more women to Google, then check out Imogen Thomas, who has had an affair with a married Premier League footballer, but has been banned from selling her story to newspapers. The problem with trying to guess who it is, is that there are so many footballers who are rich and sleazy enough to do this. Until a week ago Torres would have been out of the questions as nobody could remember the last time he scored, but you can never rule out somebody who plays for Chelsea.
Flop(ianski) of the week
So many contenders this week it's unreal. I have resisted giving it to the Leicester goalkeeper who gifted Forest the winner on Friday as that would look like me being biased. Similarly, the Yorkshire cricket team who collapsed to 86 all out when chasing 145 for victory on the same day to hand Nottinghamshire victory when the match seemed all over. I think the award should go to Arsene Wenger for so many reasons. I have always had a soft spot for Arsenal, but to see their manager act like an even more petulant Mourinho is a shame. The reluctance to buy a decent keeper again is beyond belief, then to pin your hopes on the likes of Eboue and Bendtner is just madness. Then add to all that Wenger's behaviour. He clashes with everyone for no reason, he blames the ref no matter what and then he criticises a newspaper for running an interview, saying it has twisted Cesc Fabregas' words even after they have put the recorded version of the interview on their website. Maybe he should try and win a trophy instead of thinking the whole world is against him.
Hall of Lame
To celebrate Torres ending his goal drought, it is time to celebrate another striker who struggled to hit the net in the Premier League. No not Diego Forlan, as it's hard to criticise somebody who won the Golden Boot at the World Cup, but Ade Akinbiyi. In 2000, he was a £5.5 million buy for Leicester City as they tried to stay in the top flight. However, the beast of a striker turned out to be a pussycat in front of goal and went 15 games without scoring for his new club, despite having many opportunities. I suppose the one small benefit is that he cost about a tenth of what Chelsea paid for Torres. That's called clutching at straws.
The week ahead
United will play rubbish against Schalke, but will somehow win as they do every match.
Real Madrid will do a Scotland and play 4-6-0 against Barcelona. They will end the game playing 4-4-0 as the ref will send off two of the players.
Arsenal will be 2-0 up against United but will concede in the 95th and 99th minutes and Fergie will complain that not enough time was added on.
Quotes of the week
Arsene Wenger: 'I will never give an interview to anyone again, as they always twist my words, even though it is on video.'
Mick McCarthy: 'I hope our crowd abuses every single opposition player and I hope the ref is biased towards us.'
Ray Wilkins: 'Stay on your feet', 'Stand up' or 'Kaboul is useless'
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