Summer of Sport: June 17-23

Monday

It's always fun watching Australia struggle, and seeing Michael Clarke's disgusted look when George Bailey got run out sauntering for a single was priceless. The Aussie team is pretty much a team of IPL knock-offs like Mitchell Marsh - a man whose main role seems to be getting the drinks in - and Glenn Maxwell, who was bought for $1million by the Mumbai Indians and played three matches, scored 36 runs and took no wickets as his side won the tournament.

The highlight of the Confederations Cup has to be watching Tahiti take part, although a close second must be  Peter Odemwingie in the studio. Odemwingman must have forgotten that the BBC studios have moved from London to Salford otherwise he wouldn't have agreed to go. Baffingly, he is not part of the Nigerian squad having fallen out the with the manager. So when Dan Walker asked if the manager is a difficult man to get on with, it was perhaps no surprise that Odemwingman thought that was the case. Still, credit to Tahiti who actually showed more of a goal threat than England tend to. And no sign of Craig Levein's 4-6-0 formation, aka full out Kimstevening. Unfortunately, their defending resembled my attempt on Fifa to play against Spain on legendary setting.

Tuesday

A disappointing day with little to no sport but that didn't stop it from being a corker. I was listening to Joe Kinnear's TalkSPORT interview in complete shock and thought I'd list all his memorable quotes in detail until I discovered someone had beaten me to it http://www.independent.co.uk/sport/football/premier-league/joe-kinnear-accuses-newcastle-supporters-of-talking-out-their-backsides-during-bizarre-rant-to-explain-appointment-as-director-of-football-8662672.html

This must go down as possibly the worst interview of all time alongside Paddy Crerand's angry rant that Sir Alex Ferguson was not retiring just a couple of hours before he announced it. If you haven't listened to it yet, or you want to listen to it again, then here it is http://www.101greatgoals.com/blog/joe-kinnear-goes-on-talksport-and-gives-one-of-the-most-ridiculous-interviews-of-all-time/

In other news, Spain won a tournament. Anyway, moving on...

Wednesday

There's always that sense of excitement when England take part in a semi-final. They were up against the so-called chokers South Africa, who could not have done more to live up to their reputation when they subsided to 80-8, accompanied by a tweet from English/South African Kevin Pietersen who put: "I'm finding it hard to breathe at the moment.. I got some bad kinda cough going on." Either KP was trying to be funny or he'd been caught sending texts to the opposition again.

David Miller and Rory Kleinveldt then hit out to get the total to 175. Star of the show for me is always James Tredwell, who represents Team Bald so very well. Thank you, Tredders, for showing that bald is beautiful.

Credit to Jonathan Trott as well. The marmite man of the England ODI team responded to accusations that he batted too slowly by telling journalists that he'd developed a new shot. Oh good, what was this shot? A ramp, a switch ramp, a ramp switch hit? "It's a block. It's a new block. Tell them I've found a new way to block the half-volley and full-toss. They'll like that." Clearly Trott has been watching Nick Compton (aka the Compdog) for too long. Nasser Hussain will be happy though. The forward defence is only topped by the good old-fashioned leave as his favourite shot.

Good from Shane Warne who has become boring on Twitter but is still good value in the commentary box. Warne is well known for his verbal battles with South African Daryll Cullinan who always struggled to play him. There's the famous moment where it had been heard that Cullinan had been to see a psychiatrist, so when he arrived to the wicket Warne remarked that he had been waiting two years to humiliate him again, to which Cullinan replied, "Looks like you spent it eating." When asked by Alan Wilkins whether he enjoyed playing against Daryll he said: yes, it's always nice to play against a batsman who hasn't got a clue what I'm bowling. This was followed up by a personal message - "Daryll, I miss you." Classic Warney.

Best sledge of all time has to be Sir Ian Botham. When Rod Marsh asked him "how's your wife and my kids?" Botham replied, "Wife's fine, but the kids are retarded."

Spent the evening reading the second book of the Hunger Games with both Confederations Cup matches on in the background. Not sure what had me salivating most: the revelations in the book, Neymar's goal, or the worldie of a match between Italy and Japan. Well worth staying up until 1am for despite both pundits - Robbie Savage and John Hartson - coming from Wales which I was reliably informed last week is not a country.*

*I in no way agree with this viewpoint. Well, maybe a little

Thursday

1am and I check ESPNCricinfo to discover that Darren Stevens, a Tredders lookalike, has done it again http://www.espncricinfo.com/county-cricket-2013/engine/current/match/593406.html

Rumours abounding that Thiago will move to Manchester United because David de Gea signed the football he was holding after scoring a hat-trick in the under-21 final with the words, "See you in Manchester." This is pretty similar to when an attractive girl likes my Facebook status and I just assume that she wants me. Except with Thiago, there is actually some chance that it will happen.

A video went up on YouTube after somebody with a Manchester United shirt got Thiago to sign it. Nice, but nothing on the guy who asked John Terry to sign something with the words: "To Wayne. I'm sorry." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1OtzURRG108

Spain v. Tahiti in the Confederations Cup tonight. For some reason it was allowed on before the watershed. Credit to Tahiti for continuing to go for it in an attempt to score and not sticking everyone behind the ball just to lose 4-0. If this me was v. Kimsteven on Fifa, with Kimsteven as Spain, he'd play a 5-4-1, go 3-0 down at half-time and then stick on two more holding mids just to consolidate the loss.

Friday

Pretty low key day, mostly spent at Trent Bridge watching Notts lose their 100% record in the YB40. In other news, the odds on Novak Djokovic winning Wimbledon have dropped rapidly after the draw was made.

Saturday

There were some good luck messages for the Lions from some high profile figures: Princes Harry and William, David Beckham, Rory McIlroy, Justin Rose, Jessica Ennis-Hill, Sir Chris Hoy, Sir Ian Botham... and Robbie Keane?! What are you doing there?

Beckham against Portugal, Terry against United and now Beale against the Lions. It may not be the funniest moment of someone slipping over in the last couple of months (see http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=or_yD9kzQ_c) but as the Lions tried their best to throw it away it was the most significant. Another great moment for Australian sport.

In the Confederations Cup Neymar scored again and once more Joey Barton said the jury was still out on him. Maybe Joey didn't quite get the irony of that comment.

Sunday

Top stories in the Sunday papers come from a Joe Kinnear interview where he defended his comments about winning the Manager of the Year award three times. Apparently one was the Sky Sports Manager of the Year Award 1996 and a Daily Mirror poll in 1997. Well, that clears that up. The other was Andy Murray getting drunk for the first time ever after his US Open win, on his own, and brushing his teeth with face cream. Clearly Muzz knows how to party. Also, to add to the previous mention of Daryll Cullinan, Andrew Strauss admitted in an interview that after Shane Warne got him out twice at Edgbaston in 2005 he started calling him Daryll when he was at the wicket. Beautiful.

In the cricket, England lived up to their reputation as generous hosts. They gave India home advantage with the location, the pitch and even manufactured the weather so it became a 20 over match, their favourite format. Still, it took a shocking third umpire decision and a late collapse until they won.

Goal machine Fernando Torres scored again, but Gus Poyet had the biggest PR coup of the year when it was announced he had been sacked whilst in the studio despite not being told by Brighton. Fair to say Gus will come out of this better. Tahiti finished their tournament with one goal from three matches. As many as Danny Welbeck scored in the Premier League last season.

Completed the week with a watch of the excellent behind the scenes look at Andy Murray. My favourite quote came from Sue Barker who said, "Outdoor Scottish tennis. It sounds like a form of torture." Quite.

Meanwhile...

Tweet of the week: From the best tweeter there is around, former Forest striker David Johnson (not that there are many decent tweeters). During the Italy v. Japan match he tweeted - "I've enjoyed this game so much #itajap that I haven't even switched over to Babecast once to have a quick check on the ladies #shocking"

Second place: Michael Vaughan - https://twitter.com/MichaelVaughan/status/347375659011690497/photo/1

Football fixtures came out this week. The countdown to the new season has begun

Andy Carroll signed for West Ham on Wednesday, before heading off to Ascot

Photobomb of the week: http://www.101greatgoals.com/gallery/gimages/image/radamel-falcao-spotted-in-background-of-ray-allens-blockbuster-3-point-shot#.UcHZ5oxUVW8.twitter

Joe Kinnear, allegedly in 2012: "I would consider something like a director of football post. But I would do that for just one reason and that is to get myself back into full-time management. If I was a director of football and the manager was struggling and got the old tin-tack, I would tell them that I'd take over."

Alan Shearer had his name removed from a Newcastle United bar after criticising the club. Apparently their lamb ayzee is most delightful. Kebabs are soon to be on the menu as well

Speaking of Joe Kinnear, here's what he gets up to on Facebook http://www.101greatgoals.com/gvideos/talksport-spoof-joe-kinnear-likes-kebabs-on-fakebook/#.UcMkb-Hp9WQ.twitter

Ricky Ponting announced he will retire from all cricket at the end of the IPL Champions League in October. He is still odds on to be the top scorer in the Sheffield Shield this winter, with extras in a close second. Seeing as he will not play in the Champions League, going to the West Indian domestic T20 tournament and lining up in the shower alongside his team mates will be a fitting ending

Champions Trophy team of the tournament:

1. Dhawan
2. Trott
3. Kohli
4. Sangakkara (wk)
5. Misbah (c)
6. Bopara
7. Jadeja
8. McLaren
9. Ashwin
10. Anderson
11. McClenaghan

Sport this week

Wimbledon
Confederations Cup semis and final
Lions 2nd Test
England v. New Zealand T20s
Start of the domestic T20 season
British Grand Prix

Start of Essex v. England warm-up match

Summer of sport: June 10-16

Hello and welcome to the return of my blog, a glorified excuse to basically go on and on about the summer of sport. Every week from now on I will be describing the copious amount of live sport I have watched all week as well as some other sporting news. And at the end of each blog I will give some details of the sport coming up the following week for you to salivate over.

Having watched the Champions Trophy pretty much non-stop I must say it is nice to watch an international tournament where there are no minnows (I hope Platini is watching considering he is trying to ruin the Euros).  Not that I don't like rooting for the underdogs, I mean, watching New Zealand go unbeaten in the last World Cup was my highlight of the whole thing. But having a 15 match tournament featuring the top eight sides in the world cannot be beaten. Imagine a football equivalent with say: Spain, Germany, Italy, Argentina, Holland, France, Brazil and (as an interesting experiment) England. Or a Champions League quarters of: Barcelona, Real Madrid, Bayern Munich, Dortmund, Juventus, Manchester United, Manchester City and PSG. Ok I'll stop it now before I have to reach for a change of underwear.

Anyway, hear's what I've been watching this week:

Monday

South Africa v. Pakistan in the Champions Trophy. Both sides had lost their openers and were in need of a win at Edgbaston. Clearly Pakistan thought they were playing in a Test match seeing as they hit only 19 off their first 10 overs when chasing 235. After two games they have scored 337 runs with Misbah-ul-Haq and Nasir Jamshed having hit 243 of them. I was sure they would win today as Dale Steyn and Morne Morkel were missing for the Saffers. That's like taking Michael Clarke and well, ok just Michael Clarke, out of the Australian team.

South Africa have Lonwabo Tsotsobe opening the bowling for them, although how he manages to run in at all is a mystery (I hope you get it) http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/p480x480/75012_531953823515875_558753549_n.jpg

Tuesday

West Indies v. India at the Oval started with some big hitting from Chris Gayle and Johnson Charles before the Windies were squeezed like a tub of toothpaste on its last drops of white liquid. The chief culprit was Sir Ravindra Jadeja (henceforth known as Jadeja wank - say it quickly) who at one point had figures of eight overs, five wickets for 15 runs. Jadeja wank is the epitome of a Duncan Fletcher cricketer in that he can bat, bowl and field. He seems such an innocuous cricketer with his darters that don't spin much but he seems to always do well. He forms part of...

Duncan Fletcher's wet dream XI:

Paul Collingwood
Sir Ravindra Jadeja
Michael Yardy
Jamie Dalrymple
Grant Elliott
Mohammad Hafeez
Darren Sammy
Ravi Ashwin
Darren (Kim)Stevens
Ashley Giles
Liam Plunkett

Fortunately, Darren Sammy - who was only in because of Denesh Ramdin's suspension after claiming a catch when he had dropped the ball - smashed it absolutely everywhere, ending on 56* from 35 balls. Still, it didn't do them much good.

Once India had easily won I turned over to ESPN Classic to watch Nick Faldo rip through St. Andrews in the 1990 Open, scoring -17 during the opening three days before holding off Payne Stewart and Mark McNulty on a blustery final day. At the same time I had on Andrew Flintoff interviewing Geoffrey Boycott. Some more great quotes from Geoffrey as is standard, saying you can't score runs from the pavilion and telling Flintoff that I would have you in as a bowler and I'd do the batting for you. Terrific stuff. Despite having already read Geoffrey's auto-biography which was a completely unbiased read describing his greatness, I decided to order another biography just to confirm this. And also a biography on Denis Compton and Beyond a Boundary, supposedly the greatest cricket book ever. This will be a glorious summer.

Once Faldo's golfing masterclass was done ESPN Classic then showed highlights from the 2nd Test of the 2005 Ashes.Words cannot describe my rigidness. Especially when England v. Wales in 1966 came on and a certain Robert Charlton spanked one in.

Wednesday

Woke up and checked Twitter as normal and discovered that Javier Mascherano had kicked a medic who was taking him off the pitch and David Warner had had a drunken altercation and was dropped from the Australia v. New Zealand game at Edgbaston I was going to watch. Clearly I was still dreaming.

My disappointment at Warner's suspension (the first thing he's hit since Xmas one person put) was tempered by Daniel Vettori's figures of 10 overs for 23 runs. There are few finer sights than big Danny wheeling away against the clueless Aussies. Apart from the typical good natured humour sent towards Mitchell Johnson from the crowd - especially after his first ball was dispatched for four - Vettori's spell was the definite highlight. And watching Warner bring out the drinks.

Got home and watched the 3rd Test from 2005. I still haven't been able to zip back up after Ashley Giles' ball of the century against Damien Martyn.

Thursday

Final day in Selly Oak was accompanied by a last dig in whereby the cricket and golf were both on and I barely moved for a good eight hours. It still doesn't top the four screens from last summer, but it sets me up for a long summer of sport. Unfortunately, England didn't deliver despite Ravi Bopara hitting the last over for 28 runs. Sri Lanka bossed the chase and with six overs left needed 25 runs with seven wickets in hand, prompting Nasser Hussain to come up with the great line, "it isn't over yet." Seriously, what game was he watching?

Elsewhere in cricket, David Warner was banned from playing for Australia until the Ashes. Bit of a low blow for big Dave.

The golf was let down by the weather, meaning lots of the big guns did not come out until after 9pm our time. Disappointingly, Ian Poulter could maintain his rapid start of birdie, birdie, birdie. Still, there's nothing like four days of great golfing ebb and flow. Highlight of the day might be Paddy Power tweeting this video of Bubba Watson and Rickie Fowler photobombing (videobombing) Jason Day's interview http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hJQErxkWRk4

Friday

Turned on to the US Open and saw only two golfers were under par. This reminds me of playing Tiger Woods 2013 for the first time as an amateur with my guy only able to drive 200 yards and reaching every par four in three shots. And no, I was not playing as Luke Donald.

It's fair to say South Africa have not always had fun with Duckworth Lewis, going out in their home 2003 World Cup when they thought the par score was the winning score, and in 1992 when they were left needing  22 off the last ball having needed 22 off 13 balls before the rain had intervened. However, they got some respite against the West Indies, who saw Kieron Pollard get out the ball before rain arrived, leaving the match as a tie and meaning South Africa went through thanks to a better net run rate.

Saturday

The uniqueness of cricket can best be seen through the reverse swinging ball. Unlike conventional swing, it is seen as something of a dark art, almost like throwing the cruciatus curse on an unsuspecting opponent as he is about to play a shot. Bob Willis' suggestion that an England player (most likely Ravi Bopara) had been deliberately ball tampering went down about as well as bacon butties at a bar mitzvah. It wouldn't be the first time that there had been suggestions of ball tampering at the Oval.

With rain ruining everything I caught a documentary on the 2009 Lions tour to South Africa. Seeing the passion at first-hand was incredible but the definite highlight has to be the loser of round-the-world table tennis getting his bare arse spanked by a number of his team-mates with the paddles.

A minor thrill having three Englishman in the mix on moving day. Enjoyed Butch Harmon constantly ripping Hunter Mahan for his attire.

Sunday

Been massively Kimstevened by the weather so made a trip to Trent Bridge to watch Notts take on Warwickshire in a 40 overs a side match. The highlights were one man at third man misjudging a catch off Michael Lumb, going back and falling over. Just to rub it in, wicket-keeper Tim Ambrose then started mocking him.

And Paul Best who tried a shy at the stumps but held on to the ball for so long that it went yards wide of the target and even went for an overthrow. It was the equivalent of a footballer accidentally kicking the ball with his standing foot. Poor Paul had his head in his hands and the crowd enjoying a great laugh.

Sitting behind an Ashley Giles lookalike, I saw Samit Patel hit a run a ball hundred to see Notts home, with Chris Read there at the end. At the same time I listened to TMS as England defeated New Zealand to make it through to the semi-finals. Before the play began, Jonathan Agnew was telling Matthew Hoggard that he had interviewed him after the 2005 Ashes win but Hoggy said he had no recollection of this. Freddie Flintoff  can empathise.

I'd also like to add that having heard the speakers at Trent Bridge play Craig David 'seven days' during the match, this should be on every summer playlist on the few days that the sun shines.

At the same time as Mario Balotelli was ripping off his shirt once more, the biggest mind-fuck since Katy Perry started touching Cheryl Cole on the Graham Norton show - the US Open - was in full swing. On his 43th birthday, on father's day, having finished runners up five times before, surely it was Phil's time? He double bogeyed twice and then chipped in for eagle, but that wasn't enough against Justin Rose, the man who metaphorically and literally pulled his pants down at the last Ryder Cup. Any excuse to show this putt again and his brilliant celebration (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vzywrGTO4qk). Credit to Phil as well for clapping Justin. I'm sure Tiger Woods would have done exactly the same.

Meanwhile...

Jose Mourinho returned to Chelsea and declared that he was the 'happy one.' I'm sure that has nothing to do with his new contract

England under-21s lost to Israel. Hahahahaha

Tweet of the week (the clue is in the picture) - https://twitter.com/LewisWiltshire/status/344089107863068672/photo/1

Cristiano Ronaldo announces that despite the rumours, he has not signed a new contract with Real Madrid. Cue lots of premature ejaculation in Manchester... and London, Beijing, Delhi...

Gareth Bale has trademarked his celebration. If Bebeto had done the same with his baby cradle celebration then he would have made a fortune. Or the first guy who ever shouted get in the hole on a golf course... http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/sport/football/4971614/Gareth-Bale-trademarks-goal-celebration-and-shirt-number.html

Rumour of the week - Tony Pulis was in contention for the Athletic Bilbao job

Story of the week - A tie between Joe Kinnear's return to Newcastle (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i_NQqnc_ue0&sns=tw - the press conference from hell) or Shane Williams' one match trip for the Lions. Amazingly, Kinnear is in charge of transfers at Newcastle so Geordies should expect Andy Impey and David  Friio turning up any day now

I would also like to add that I am flattered by reports linking me to Real Madrid and that I would of course have to talk to them. But I'm very happy where I am right now

Coming up this week:

The final group game of the Champions Trophy, the semis and the final

The Confederations Cup group games featuring football powerhouse Tahiti

The Lions' opener