End of season round up

This blog is like Akinfenwa... beast. After probably the most dramatic season in Premier League history, it is time for the finishing touch. In my latest blog I have tried my best to sum up the season in my own way with top threes and awards. Elsewhere, we have predictions galore, a look at the Euros and some of the other sporting events going on. And, to celebrate a season of great commentary, I have ended with a compilation on some of the best ones I have heard, from university sport to the Champions League. And just for your benefit, the link between Akinfenwa and beast will be brought up once again.
For those still doing exams, put the kettle on, get a cup of tea and sit back. For those who have finished or those not having to do any, put the kettle on, get a cup of tea and sit back anyway.

Football round up

I may have forgotten some people/teams/goals etc in these lists so am willing to be swayed:

Worst 3 managers of the year:

1. Terry Connor
2. Owen Coyle
3. Alex McLeish

Top 3 matches:

1. Manchester City 3-2 QPR
2. Chelsea 3-5 Arsenal
3. Manchester United 4-4 Everton

Top 3 goals:

1. Papiss Cisse
2. Peter Crouch
3. Luis Suarez

Special mention should go to Adlene Guedioura who scored two goals for two clubs yet won the Goal of the Season Award for each one.

Top 3 signings:

1. Sergio Aguero
2. Papiss Cisse (alongside many other Newcastle players)
3. Gylfi Sigurdsson

Special mention goes to Nikica Jelavic

Worst 3 signings:

1. Jordan Henderson
2. Stewart Downing
3. David Goodwillie

Worst managerial sackings of the season:

1. Mick McCarthy
2. Neil Warnock
3. Lee Clark

Best managerial sackings of the season:

1. Andre Villas-Boas
2. Roberto di Matteo
3. Keith Millen

My top 3 moments:

1. Leeds 3-7 Nottingham Forest (I’ll stop mentioning it now)
2. Mario Balotelli – “why always me” moment
3. Gary Neville orgasm over Fernando Torres’ goal

Team of the year:

Vorm; Walker, Kompany, Coloccini, Baines; Toure, Scholes, Dempsey; Aguero, Van Persie, Silva

Awards

Alternating between being a footballer and Tiger Woods – Carlos Tevez

Spending too much time with Noel Gallagher – Mario Balotelli

Being useless to being a contender for an England place – Grant Holt

Being useless and getting in the England squad – Stewart Downing

Having the worst spelling in the game – Harry Redknapp

Spending money and succeeding – Manchester City

Spending money and not succeeding - Leicester

Managing to unite a whole city in a common cause - Steve Kean

How to waste money, be racist, have a go at people accusing you of being racist, be rubbish in the league and yet still do well in cup competitions -Liverpool

Also being rubbish in the league yet turning it on in the cup - Chesterfield

Celebrating too early - Manchester United

Going down quicker than Tulisa – Wolves

Houdini act of going from useless to suddenly title contenders for next season – Wigan

Houdini act of going from useless to suddenly becoming amazing in all competitions - Chelsea

Unsung heroes - Chris Powell and Chris Hughton

Annual play-off/Wembley defeat/both - Cardiff

Inability to score at home – Nottingham Forest

Going from being a great player to turning it on as manager in the fourth tier of English football - Paolo di Canio

Choking and letting your biggest rivals get promotion ahead of you -Sheffield United

Being the biggest one man team since Liverpool 2005 – Arsenal

Having your captain become your manager – Chelsea

Quote of the season for saying that Emile Heskey can save your season despite having scored just once all season - Alex McLeish

Becoming the most hated man in the Midlands- Alex McLeish

Going from hated/loved individual to well-respected pundit - Gary Neville

Most likely to jizz his pants over a goal - Gary Neville

Biggest hypocrite over going down softly in challenges - Joey Barton

Most underrated player - Clint Dempsey

A club where all their managers go on to better teams afterwards – West Brom (Hodgson, Di Matteo, Megson...)

Player most regretting leaving his club - Kevin Nolan

Biggest fall from grace - Villarreal

Biggest fan of Fergie time - Sergio Aguero

Best comeback since Take That - Paul Scholes

Most in demand free transfer - Emile Heskey

Headline writer’s wet dream - Mario Balotelli

Most likely to be suspended for the entirety of next season - Joey Barton

Worst bearer of bad news – Geoff Shreeves

Sporting Underachiever > Paul the Octopus

I’m not just a great looking, highly talented and modest man. I am also a predictions guru. Here is what I put in my last blog:

Sure-fire things

Here is the list of things to expect between now and the end of the season:

Spurs finish 4^th and the media say they don’t want Harry Redknapp as England manager– mostly true

Robin van Persie doesn’t sign a new contract – so far true

Luis Suarez and Gareth Bale will dive – didn’t see it happen again

Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain gets picked for England, has a bad game, and the media say he was chosen too early – soon to happen

Jose Mourinho will not return to Chelsea– will be true

Wigan will somehow stay up – true

Mario Balotelli will do something, somewhere, somehow, which is major – sent off at Arsenal, sets up Aguero’s winning goal

Season Predictions

However, let’s see how I did in the season predictions against my housemates, Richard ‘Dick’ Ayling, and Fraser ‘Kimsteven’ Kesteven:

Premier League winner:

JL: Manchester United

FK: Manchester United

RA: Manchester United

Result: Manchester City

Rest of top 4:

JL: Manchester City, Chelsea, Liverpool

FK: Chelsea, Manchester City, Arsenal

RA: Chelsea, Manchester City, Arsenal

Result: Manchester United, Arsenal, Tottenham

Relegated teams:

JL: Norwich, Wigan, Swansea

FK: Norwich, Wigan, Swansea

RA: Norwich, Wigan, Swansea

Result: Bolton, Blackburn Rovers, Wolves

Top goal-scorer:

JL: Rooney

FK: Rooney

RA: Rooney

Result: Robin van Persie

Number of Fernando Torres goals (league only, as with the others):

JL: 10

FK: 15

RA: 10

Result: 6

Number of Mario Balotelli goals:

JL: 12

FK: 10

RA: 6

At the moment: 13

Number of Emile Heskey goals:

JL: 4

FK: 1

RA: 3

Result: 1

Number of games Arsenal let a lead slip (league only):

JL: 6

FK: 4

RA: 6

Result: 5

Norwich overall goal-difference:

JL: -15

FK: -28

RA: -21

Result: -14

First managerial casualty:

JL: Alex McLeish

FK: Neil Warnock

RA: Steve Kean

Result: Steve Bruce

FA Cup winner:

JL: Spurs

FK: Chelsea

RA: Chelsea

Result: Chelsea

League Cup winner:

JL: Liverpool

FK: Manchester United

RA: Manchester City

Result: Liverpool

Champions League winner:

JL: Real Madrid
FK: Barcelona
RA: Barcelona

Result: Bayern Munich or Chelsea

Europa League winner:

JL: PSG

FK: Liverpool (JL - should be docked a point for being ignorant)

RA: Sevilla

Result: Atletico Madrid

Top 2 in Championship:

JL: West Ham Leicester

FK: West Ham, Leicester

RA: West Ham, Leicester

Result: Reading, Southampton

Forest overall position:

JL: 5th

FK: 5th

RA: 4^th

Result: 19th

Forest top scorer:

JL: Lewis McGugan

FK: Marcus Tudgay

RA: Robbie Findley

Result: Garath McCleary with 9

Dele Adebola goals:

JL: 3

FK: 1

RA: 3

Result: 1

Nathan Tyson goals:

JL: 10 (woops)

FK: 4

RA: 2

Result: 0

League 1 winner:

JL: Huddersfield

FK: Carlisle

RA: Huddersfield

Result: Charlton

League 2 winner:

JL: Shrewsbury

FK: Northampton

RA: Crawley

Result: Swindon

Blue Square Prem winner:

JL: Luton

FK: Cambridge

RA: Luton

Result: Fleetwood

Final tallies (assuming I haven’t miscounted):

JL: 5
FK: 5
RA: 5

Unbelievable Jeff! The Forest result was voided because we were all so far off. And Fraser was not docked a point for putting Liverpool would win the Europa League when they weren’t even in it. If both of these hadn’t been the case I would have finished one point above the other two. Just saying…

Eur-having a laugh

So, Roy Hodgson has picked his 23 man squad for the Euros, giving plenty of players who have performed well all season their chance to shine… and Stewart Downing. Now let’s be fair to Downing, he has as many Premier League goals and assists as me this season, all for £20 million, but he must have just got the edge over me due to his great partnership with Andy Carroll. After talking to Kenny Dalglish, Hodgson decided to take Carroll as he will need a drinking partner when things start going wrong.

John Terry has been rewarded for his season as player/manager of Chelsea where he has mentored Joey Barton into kneeing opposition players. His role in the squad will be to decide where the WAGS will stay. Unsurprisingly they will be situated within five minutes walk of the players.

John Ruddy has been picked as the third best goalkeeper in the country. He will be thanking Ben Foster and Paul Robinson for his free holiday/honeymoon after both decided to retire from international football.

Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain is going to a major tournament as a 18-year-old from Arsenal. He will hope that is where any similarities with Theo Walcott end, although it should be pointed out Walcott was 17 when he went to the 2006 World Cup and had not played for the Gunners. Oxlade-Chamberlain struggled to get in ahead of Yossi Benayoun and Gervinho at Arsenal but is now considered a better option than Daniel Sturridge.

What about the latest odds at the Euros? Let’s hear from Raymundo…

Nigel de Jong to get sent off – 9/10

England to go out in the group stage – 5/1

England to go out on penalties – 7/1

John Terry to take over from Roy Hodgson after one match – 9/1

Wayne Rooney to get sent off – 15/1

Spain to have 90% possession in any match - 17/1

Patrice Evra to storm off the pitch after a conversation with John Terry –25/1

Fernando Torres to score the winning goal in the final – 30/1

John Terry to deliver a half-time team talk on the pitch – 45/1

The Greek players going around the ground before their matches with a bucket collection – 60/1

Sven Goran Eriksson to take over one of the teams before the tournament starts – 75/1

Flavio Briatore to pick the Italy starting eleven in every match – 125/1

Stewart Downing to contribute to any goal – 5000/1

Euro Predictions

Always one to stick my neck on the line, we introduce fellow housemate Sam Travell as the four of us continue in our quest to dominate the predictions world.

Winners:

JL: Germany
FK: Spain
RA: Germany
ST: Spain

Runners-up:

JL: Holland
FK: Portugal
RA: Spain
ST: Holland

England final position:

JL: Quarter-finals
FK: Quarter-finals
RA: Quarter-finals
ST: 3rd

England top scorer:

JL: Welbeck
FK: Welbeck
RA: Gerrard
ST: Rooney

Tournament top scorer:

JL: Benzema
FK: Huntelaar
RA: Villa (if not fit then Gomez)
ST: Van Persie

Will Stewart Downing score or get an assist?

JL: No
FK: Yes
RA: No
ST: Yes

Out of interest, what would your starting XI be for the opening match against France?

JL: (4-4-2) Hart; Jones, Cahill, Lescott, Baines; Oxlade-Chamberlain, Parker, Gerrard, Young; Welbeck, Defoe

FK: (4-3-3) Hart; Johnson, Lescott, Terry, Cole; Parker, Lampard, Gerrard; Milner, Welbeck, Young

RA: (4-4-2) Hart; Johnson, Lescott, Terry, Cole; Downing, Parker, Gerrard, Milner; Carroll, Defoe

ST: (4-4-2) Ruddy; Johnson, Lescott, Terry, Cole; Walcott, Lampard, Parker, Gerrard; Carroll, Welbeck

Tipster

Last time we brought you these predictions from our resident tipster. Two of these events have happened and one is still to come. Going over the two which have been completed, let’s see how he did:

Cricket – England tour of Sri Lanka

Draw at Columbo – Wrong, England win

Kevin Pietersen to get out to a left arm spinner in 1st Test at Galle – Wrong, left arm seamer and off-spinner

England1-0 series victory – Wrong, 1-1

Golf – The Masters

Rory Mcllroy to win by more than 3 shots – Wrong, finished on five over par, 15 shots off the leaders

Lee Westwood top ten finish – Correct, tied third

Dark Horse: Bubba Watson – Unbelievable shout

Tennis – French Open

Next up:

Men’s winner – Rafael Nadal (More at home at Roland Garros than Eric Pickles at a curry house)

Women’s winner – Ana Ivanovic

Flop - Andy Roddick

Rain stops plays

The decision to start the cricket season in early April has for some unknown reason not come off, with rain playing havoc with the fixtures. Yorkshire fast bowler Ajmal Shahzad has decided to go on loan to big rivals Lancashire…and subsequently took a wicket with his first ball. Yorkshire stalwart Geoffrey Boycott was extremely upset – he believed the batsman should have been playing on the front foot.

Andre Adams is the leading wicket taker having destroyed opposition attacks so far. His 31 wickets have come at 14 runs each. In the one match that he missed Somerset racked up 445/2 declared.

Defending champions Lancashire have started well with three losses and two draws from their opening five matches and as I type are watching Warwickshire rack up a huge total against them.

Having been watching the Indian Premier League instead of doing proper revision, I have been racking up plenty of material to use for when my internet has gone down, none more so than AB de Villiers’ 47* from 17 balls which included 23 from a Dale Steyn over. Unsurprisingly Chris Gayle is currently the orange cap holder (given to the batsman with the most runs). His hundred yesterday was absolutely unreal.

But the man who has made my IPL is the one and only Danny Morrison, the cricketing equivalent of Ray Hudson. See the end for a snippet of his commentary.

And for my blog on the West Indies http://jlamy.blogspot.co.uk/2012/05/farcical-circumstances-put-dampener-on.html

Elsewhere in the sporting world…

I don’t know about you, but I found the snooker an excellent foil to all attempts at revision. Watching Ronnie O’Sullivan in action is mesmerising when he hits top form. The same will almost certainly not be said about the David Haye v. Dereck Chisora fight which The Sun is trying to bill as the greatest fight on earth. That it is being stages at Upton Park, a scene of big, tall, strong, physical beasts, is probably quite apt. I’m just waiting for them to get Sam Allardyce in the ring.

Golf has another new superstar in Rickie Fowler. There is now talk of a Fowler v. McIlroy rivalry, alongside the McIlroy and Woods rivalry, Westwood and Donald etc. All this talk about rivalry is just crazy, after all, Ian Poulter is going to be out on his own by the end of the year having obliterated the field like a young Tiger on the golf course, or a slighty older Tiger in the bedroom.

Tennis is hardly the most controversial of sports, but still finds itself annoying its best players. Whether it is poor conditions, too many tournaments, or even the colour of clay. Yes, that’s right, an attempt by the Madrid Masters (the people who brought you models as cheerleaders the year before) to make the tennis balls more visible led to an upset Rafael Nadal and Novak Djokovic who found that, like on the court, they would battle it out to see who could be the best… in their criticisms.

Meanwhile, Roger Federer just brushed off the slightly slippier surface and won the title to go to number two in the world. With two majors coming up shortly, let’s hope for some more unbelievable tennis and, dare we hope, an Andy Murray triumph?

Heineken Cup final preview: Leinster v. Ulster – by Fraser Kesteven

Leinster go into this weekend’s Heineken Cup final with the realistic prospect of winning their third European title in four years. Such a feat would cement their status as Europe’s best and position them nicely to complete the double when challenging Ospreys for the domestic honours. If this could be achieved, as it most conceivably should, it will be thoroughly deserved and prove a fitting acknowledgement to the dominance they have shown over recent seasons
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On their way to the final Leinster have scored a total of 225 points, a large amount that has been gained through their incredible attacking prowess. Indeed, with a squad boasting the likes of Eoin Reddan, Jonny Sexton, and Gordon Darcy, it is unsurprising that they have proven adept at accumulating such high scores in abundance. Despite not having their talisman Brian O'Driscoll available for much of this tournament, Leinster possess a veritable plethora of strike runners, of which Luke Fitzgerald is the most prominent. This superiority in attack is not just exclusive to European games, with Leinster being the highest scorers in the RaboDirect Pro12, where they are the only team to have amassed more than 500 points, with 568 being their specific total. It is difficult to comprehend their opponents containing this offensive potency, and it seems likely that a preponderent Leinster will run them ragged.

Yet, the foundations on which their offensive dominance has been predicated are the solid displays their forwards have produced throughout the competition. The strong front row partnership of Healy, Strauss and Ross has remained sturdy throughout scrum time and provides powerful runners within loose play. Behind these is the experience of former All Black Brad Thorn and club captain Leo Cullen, who together have shown that Leinster possess an abrasive second row pairing with the ability to frequently intimidate the opposition. This in addition to the dynamism and malleability of the back row which, with confrontational players such as Sean O'Brian, Shane Jennings and Jamie Heaslip, is able to provide a decent platform from which to base their strategy. This is certainly the most powerful scrum in European rugby and it is more than likely that their usual dominance will persist.

However, they will first have to beat Ulster, who have surprised many on reaching the final. Having beaten some of the great European behemoths in this season's tournament, with Clermont Auvergne and Munster being the most prominent examples, Ulster will have to beat the greatest of them all if they are to win the title for the second time. This, though considerably unlikely, is not entirely implausible, and they will once again have to provide a monstrous performance if they have any hope of triumphing. Without possessing the superstar names of Leinster, the Northern Irishmen will have to rely upon the hard work and determination that has seen them through this year's competition. This will be most applicable to their obstinate defence which, marshalled by the Herculian efforts of Stephen Ferris, has provided a solid platform from which to mount their offense.

Whilst playing with 14 men against Munster, for example, this defensive intransigence consolidated their already positive position and made it difficult for the opponents to create sustainable attempts for points. This defensive organisation makes it easier for them to win penalties, which are usually dispatched by the incredible proficiency of Ruan Pienaar's goal kicking. Indeed, with a range that may well extend to past 60 metres, the Ulster scrum-half’s kicking ability may well prove the difference.  

Leinster are favourites and are well placed to claim the Heineken Cup title once again. The dominance they have shown both domestically and in Europe means that it is difficult to foresee a situation whereby their opponents Ulster triumph. Indeed, if this unlikely event is to occur it will have to be through an immense performance of monumental proportions, especially in light of Leinster's seeming impenetrability of late. The supremacy that Leinster currently enjoy means that the fate of this year's competition is largely in their hands, and their reign as European champions is set to continue.

Commentary Classics

Ray Hudson – Words cannot do justice to this brilliance http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=99zysFK7yxM

Danny Morrison – There aren’t many great videos of Danny but take a listen to the first few seconds of this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YCcNSmP-OXQ

Mark Nicholas – A quote which can be adapted to all sporting occasions, pure genius. Still unsure how a slower ball can be described as a “staggering gamble” but that’s unimportant http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KsWT87mBosg

Gary Neville – You’ve heard it a million times, but it’s still funny now http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WrNdLruucyU

Frankie Conway (Burn FM) – As featured previously http://audioboo.fm/boos/576351-sam-bell-goal-1-0-birmingham-manchester#t=0m23s

Sergio Aguero winning goal – The top 5 I have heard. If you’re a United fan I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to skip this next part

Arabic - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=74A9oRDI6uw

Argentinean (last few seconds are quality) – http://youtu.be/wJAUoSIODUw

Icelandic - http://youtu.be/l4gx8pSTQK0

Paul Merson - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NMs836VMTHQ&feature=related

Martin Tyler - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rRrXuObdeds


Akinfenwa – Nothing to do with commentary, but he is BEAST http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r4iOs4D56e8

And… because Warwickshire are soon to go top of the County Championship once again, I have no shame in showing you the ball of the century from their director of cricket… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2mESB4zb3Wg

I’d be interested to know what your favourite is.

That’s it from me, enjoy your summer and I will return soon, most probably once England have lost every match at Euro 2012.

Stay classy.

Farcical circumstances put dampener on West Indies tour

Thursday sees the West Indies begin their Test series in England with many predicting an easy 3-0 victory, weather permitting, for the world’s number one ranked side.

On the back of a chastening winter in Asia, the Three Lions will be heavy favourites to dispatch the tourists who are seen as the warm-up act for the series against South Africa later in the summer.

A set of farcical circumstances means that the West Indies will have almost no chance of troubling England in their own back-yard and a repeat of their ill-fated tour three years ago – where they lost by 10 wickets and an innings and 83 runs – would not be a surprise.

That series was also played in May, with one Test taking place at Durham in freezing conditions. If that isn’t problematic enough, they are missing some exciting players such as Chris Gayle and spinning sensation Sunil Narine who are currently playing in the Indian Premier League (IPL).

Another player in Marlon Samuels has just flown in from India, two had their flights delayed due to Visa problems, three fast bowlers in Kemar Roach, Fidel Edwards and Ravi Rampaul have suffered injuries (although all are expected to be fit) and captain Darren Sammy has not bowled a single delivery having rested himself against the England Lions in the West Indies’ only match so far due to a warm-up game against Sussex being completely washed out.

If that isn’t frustrating enough, if this series had been played out in different circumstances it could have been a great one, if maybe not reminiscent of some of the clashes between the two sides in the past. The West Indies may have only won two of their last 24 Test series since 2004 – with one coming in 2009 against England at home – but they have some exciting youngsters and experienced international players who could have troubled the hosts if they were in any way complacent. Playing more than one first-class warm-up match would be a start.

A recent series at home to Australia was lost 2-0 but the tourists were troubled in all of the Tests yet triumphed due to the West Indies’ tendency to throw in a shocking session during the five days.

Here, instead of just previewing this series, here is what could have been the Test side facing England, one with a number of fine individual players and a good balance. Make up your mind as to whether it might have challenged England over the three matches:

1. Chris Gayle – A dispute with the West Indies Cricket Board means since December 2010 he has been filling his boots in spectacular fashion for various outfits in T20 tournaments. Test cricket is a different animal, but Gayle averages 41.65 with the bat from 91 matches, has two triple-hundreds to his name, scores at a quick rate and can bowl handy off-spin. His ending of his dispute with the WICB means we should at least see his explosive talents in the limited overs matches later on.

2. Kirk Edwards – Made vice-captain for the tour, in seven matches Edwards has an average of just over 50 with four fifties to his name already.

3. Ramnaresh Sarwan – Another player with plenty of experience, Sarwan averages 40 from his 81 Test matches and has toured England four times. Currently he is an oversees player for Leicestershire in Division Two of the County Championship, where he has defied early-season conditions to hit 105 and 94 in matches. He has also had a spell with Gloucestershire so is very familiar to English conditions, unlike many of the current crop. Sarwan’s last Test was in July 2011 against India but he was dropped in the last match due to a poor run of form. He has scored runs against England before and would have been an experienced player in a pivotal position.

4. Darren Bravo - The cousin of Brian Lara and half-brother of Dwayne has started his Test career in excellent form. The 23-year-old averages a shade under 50 with three hundreds and seven fifties to his name from 16 matches. Two hundreds in a three-Test tour of India and fifties in Sri Lanka and at home to Australia point to a real potential and the capacity to adapt to new conditions. Bravo has even had a brief stint in England, playing four first-class matches last season for Nottinghamshire where he made two fifties and averaged just over 35.

5. Shivnarine Chanderpaul – The 37-year-old recently became the 10^th man to hit 10,000 runs in Test cricket and he will be the key to any chance the West Indies have of shocking England. This will be his sixth tour of England where he averages 64.67 from 13 Tests and his presence will be invaluable to the tourists who boast many young batsmen lacking experience. 

6. Dwayne Bravo – An all-rounder of great potential, Bravo has never quite lived up to expectations in the longer form of the game. Currently playing for Chennai Super Kings in the IPL, as someone who averaged 31 with the bat in Tests and as a more than handy fifth bowler, his presence would have given the side some balance. Bravo has toured England twice before, averaging 41.57 with the bat second time around after averaging 27.5 with the ball on his first tour. A quick-scorer, Bravo would have added impetus to the innings.

7. Denesh Ramdin – Having been out of the side for two years, Ramdin was picked ahead of Carlton Baugh with neither gloveman shining with the bat. Ramdin is a fine wicketkeeper but averages only 22.8 from his 42 Test matches, yet he scored his only hundred (166) against England at Barbados in 2009.

8. Darren Sammy – The captain has not bowled a ball on this tour having only just finished the Australia series. The 28-year-old has fond memories of these shores – in his Test debut at Old Trafford he delivered match figures of 8-98 but he has not had the chance to take on England in a five-day match since. From his 24 matches he averages only 19 with the bat but he is capable of much better and alongside Bravo and Ramdin he scores at a decent rate. He would be one of the better number eights in world cricket and with an average of 30 he is a more than capable bowler. Like Praveen Kumar last summer, his nagging length could be dangerous in early season conditions.

9. Fidel Edwards – Having made his Test debut following a fiery spell in the nets which caught the eye of one Brian Lara, Edwards has failed to deliver as well as he should considering his slingy action which can reach 90mph plus. An average of almost 38 is disappointingly high but he has taken 11 five-wicket hauls so is always a threat. In his first tour of England in 2004 he took just three wickets at an average of 110, but in 2007 he bettered that with nine wickets at an average of 34 and in 2009 he took seven wickets which cost just 31 runs apiece. If he continues this trend then this may be a series where he can really shine.

10 – Kemar Roach – Like Edwards he is a small, skiddy bowler who can bowl quicker than 90mph and has even forced Ricky Ponting to retire hurt. The 23-year-old is continuing a fine tradition of West Indian fast bowlers with his 17 matches seeing him average just 28.67 and he recently took 10 wickets in a match against the Aussies. Alongside Edwards he would form a scary proposition for England’s openers.

11. Sunil Narine – Out of all the West Indian absences, by far the most disappointing is Narine who in just six first-class matches averages an astonishing 11.88 which includes two 10-wicket hauls. Bowling with an unorthodox action in the mould of Saeed Ajmal, who caused England so much trouble this winter, Narine can also boast a deadly Doosra and in eight one-day internationals he has taken 14 wickets at an average of 20. Currently bamboozling batsmen in the IPL, Narine has received praise from Mike Hussey, one of the best players of spin in the world. It’s a shame that he is not playing in this series but a lengthy Test career must surely be in the offing, possibly alongside promising leg-spinner Devendra Bishoo.

If that team was available for this series, with the players fresh and given time to adjust to English conditions, then who is to say what could have happened? Let us hope those who do take the field at Lord’s can still represent the West Indies with pride as they look to improve their woeful recent record.

Premier League final day predictions

With the final day of the season coming up, here is what will really happen in the battle for first, Champions League football, and to avoid the drop, starting with a timeline of events at the top of the table:

Manchester City v. QPR & Sunderland v. Manchester United

John O’Shea and Wes Brown are in the programme notes saying how United deserve to win the title and praising Howard Webb as a great referee.

15:02 - O’Shea scores an own-goal after deflecting a Howard Webb flick-on into the net.

15:10 - Djibril Cisse opens the scoring at the Etihad, but gets sent off because of his hair-cut.

15:12 - Joey Barton takes his phone out of one of his socks and tweets that he is putting in a transfer request to go to Leeds and re-unite with Neil Warnock.

15:17 - Two quick-fire Wayne Rooney penalties put United 3-0 up at Sunderland. Nicklas Bendtner pulls a goal back but Webb rules that it did not cross the line despite the net breaking.

15:35 - Carlos Tevez equalises and uses the corner flag as a golf club for his celebration.

15:45 - Owen Hargreaves comes off the bench after Nigel de Jong had injured himself in the warm-up trying to kung-fu Barton. Hargreaves then spanks one in from 25 yards but does his hamstring whilst celebrating and has to go off to a rousing ovation.

16:05 - Back at the Stadium of Light, it is now 6-0 with Ryan Giggs, Paul Scholes and Gary Neville - who has come down from the commentary box after hearing of brother Phil’s exploits at Goodison Park - all scoring. City fans hear of the goal before it is announced on their radios due to Neville’s loud orgasm which can be heard in the stadium.

16:31 - A substitution is made at the Etihad, with Mark Hughes (wearing Shaun Derry’s jersey) coming on.

16:40 - With just 10 minutes to go, the Welshman nods in Shaun Wright-Phillips’ cross in to level the scores. Hughes then runs to Sheikh Mansour and puts his finger to his lips.

16:41 - Roberto Mancini, in a moment of inspired genius brings on the only man who can change the course of this game… Balotelli. The Italian marks his arrival by headbutting Barton who goes down and is subsequently booked for complaining when the referee shakes Balotelli’s hand.

16:50 - Neville’s frequent orgasms tell the City fans that at Sunderland, where they are playing 10 minutes of added time, a Brown own goal and a strike from Michael Owen, which went wide of the post but was adjudged to have gone in, means United are now two points ahead and level on goal difference.

16:52 - In their last attack, Barton brings down Aguero. Balotelli strolls up to take the penalty kick. He bends down to his sock, takes out a dart, throws it at Paddy Kenny, then when he’s not looking he back-heels the ball into the net. The goal is allowed to stand and City win the title by one goal.

Interviewed during the celebrations, Balotelli tells reporters that he’s had a shit season, before setting off the fireworks inside the stadium.

17:13 - At the Stadium of Light, Webb eventually blows for time after 110 minutes of football. Geoff Shreeves then tells Sir Alex Ferguson that he hasn’t won the Premier League title.

Webb ends the match with a season-high tally of assists.

Balotelli is banned for 20 games for his headbutt on Barton.

Chelsea v. Blackburn Rovers

A Chicken blocks a Fernando Torres shot on the line. John Terry is seen saying something to Yakubu and knees him in the leg. Yakubu then turns around and smacks him to the ground. A banner is spotted flying over the ground saying "Steve Kean Burnley legend." Didier Drogba goes down after 30 seconds on coming on and gestures for the physio to come on.

Blackburn win and soon after Steve Kean is announced as the new Chelsea manager, replacing John Terry. Venky’s decide to put the chicken as their new manager.

Everton v. Newcastle United

Nikica Jelavic and Papiss Cisse both score six goals. Phil Neville hits a new goal of the season meaning the whole Newcastle team barring Cisse have to go to bed due to Fifa Apology Rules. He ends up playing in goal and lobs Tim Howard from a goal-kick.

Newcastle end up drawing the match and come fifth. Pardew gets sacked at the end of the match and is replaced by Dennis Wise. Mike Ashley then renames the Newcastle stadium as the Papiss stadium.

Norwich City v. Aston Villa

Alex McLeish plays a 5-5-0 formation with Emile Heskey starting as a holding midfielder. After a drab opening half, Delia Smith comes on to the pitch at half-time and goads Villa, telling them “Let’s be ‘aving you.” McLeish responds by changing to a 4-2-4 formation and his team end up winning 3-0 with Heskey bagging a hat-trick in his final game for the club. Villa fans boo each goal in a protest against McLeish, but he keeps his job and hires Delia to be his new assistant manager.

Stoke City v. Bolton Wanderers

Needing a win to stay up, Bolton find themselves 4-0 down at half-time with Peter Crouch scoring two, including a scissor-kick from 40 yards, whilst Jon Walters and Danny Higginbotham score one each. However, in an inspired second-half, David Wheater heads home twice, Martin Petrov curls one in from distance and Nigel Reo-Coker sees his shot deflect in.

Coming up to the 90 minute mark, Kevin Davies flicks on a corner into the net to seal a dramatic 5-4 win and with news coming in of Manchester City’s late win over QPR, it means they survive in the Premier League once again. After the match, Tony Pulis complains about Bolton’s direct style of play compared to his side’s passing football.

Swansea City v. Liverpool

Luis Suarez comes out for the warm-up with a t-shirt of two sheep getting intimate but pleads innocence by saying that in Uruguay this is what they do all the time. Swansea have 80% possession and take the lead through Gylfi Sigurdsson, but Andy Carroll scores an 89^th minute header to earn a draw and is photographed that night passed out in Newcastle celebrating.

Kenny Dalglish says after the match that his team had been dominant on the ball, Carroll does not have a drinking problem, Liverpool will win the title next season, Stewart Downing has contributed a lot to the team, and that he needs £200 million to spend. Brendan Rodgers turns up to his press conference dressed as Elvis Presley.

Tottenham Hotspur v. Fulham

Half the Tottenham team go down with food poisoning after eating a dodgy lasagne before the match. They take the lead through Emmanuel Adebayor who runs the entire length of the pitch in celebration. Pavel Pogrebnyak equalises with his only shot of the game then Danny Murphy scores the winner and is then joined by Martin Jol in going to celebrate in front of Daniel Levy.

Harry Redknapp admits that Murphy is a t’riffic player before saying that Luka Modric, Gareth Bale and Rafael Van der Vaart will all be leaving and that his dog Rosie will play in midfield next season, saying that she is smarter than the rest of his team.

West Bromwich Albion v. Robin Van Persie

Robin Van Persie and Somen Tchoyi make it is 1-1 at half-time. Peter Odemwingie, Jerome Thomas, Chris Brunt and Shane Long all score to make it 5-1, before Van Persie bags four more himself. Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain comes off the bench to score the winner, sparking jubilant scenes in the away end as they celebrate finishing third. Roy Hodgson then announces Oxlade-Chamberlain will not be part of his England squad for Euro 2012. Hodgson then gets Frimponged. After the match Arsene Wenger denies seeing it.

Wigan Athletic v. Wolves

Dave Whelan announces that he has renamed one of the stands at the DW stadium after Roberto Martinez. All 200 fans give him a standing ovation. On the pitch, Wigan score through Conor Sammon and Victor Moses, but Wolves earn a draw thanks to Steven Fletcher and Michael Kightly goals. Terry Connor says he still believes Wolves can stay up and confirms that he will be manager next season.