Hola and welcome to my attempt to redeem myself for my inadequate effort with last week's blog. In my defence, my family were round and I hadn't seen my nephew in a couple of months, so I decided to use material which I was planning to post earlier in the week but hadn't got round to. Poor excuse I know. So this week I have gone down a tried and trusted method to getting you back on my side: slagging off Chelsea and making lots of sexist comments (some of which are deserved, some maybe aren't).
And look out for a special next week, as tennis lover, future boyfriend of Ana Ivanovic and future husband of Laura Robson, Sam Travell gives us his top 10 on women tennis players. And here's a clue, expect Kournikova ahead of Navratilova. Should he fail to do so, he will be forced to do a humiliating forfeit.
New man in Chelsea firing line
The happiest man at the signing of Andre Villas-Boas is John Terry. Since the departure of Jose Mourinho, all Chelsea managers are of a certain age and it is more than likely that their wives were of a similar age too (think Grant, Scolari, Hiddink and Ancelotti). But the appointment of a 33-year-old brings renewed hope for JT as he poses on the beach with his wife, who appears to have forgiven him. Expect to see the J Tezza (thought I'd try it out) with a spring in his step next season, and we will all know why.
Hopefully, after costing £13.3 million to get him out of Porto, Villas-Boas will be less of a flop than Fernando Torres, but then that isn't hard. The only way he could be any worse is if he got Chelsea relegated and convinced Roman Abramovich to sell the club to the guy who pretended to run Notts County, leaving behind a load of overpaid players. Still, he could win the Carling Cup and get them in the Europa League, then maybe they could finally win a European tournament.
Wimbledon serves up classic encounters
They say history tends to repeat itself, but unfortunately we were not treated to another Isner v. Mahut marathon match. Let's face it, watching Federer, Nadal, Djokovic and Murray breeze through week one was boring, but what could be more fun than watching the world number 95 and the ninth best player in France, play the world number 47 and fourth best player in America? I suppose watching Fernando Torres miss an open goal comes close.
I bring up Isner v. Mahut for a good reason. After last week's blog was criticised (perhaps rightly) for not living up to its normally lofty standards, I have decided to resort to full on sexism to win everyone back. Now here is my argument: how is it right that a woman like Serena Williams can win Wimbledon in less time than it took both men to play their match? The feminists might say that women are equal to men, but then why do they play best of three sets and the men play best of five? Those who had the "joy" of doing GCSE maths with me know that numbers are not my strongest point, but surely anyone can work out that women should get 3/5 the pay of men, or start playing best of five. Looking at some of the butch women who play the game, I am in no doubt that they could man up (literally) and play a couple of extra sets.
If you have the energy to grunt for 2 hours then I'm sure you can keep quiet and play for a bit longer. I turned on to Wimbledon and the first thing that hit me was Venus' loud roar as she hit the ball. With the roof closed it didn't sound like a normal grunt, it was sub-human, like watching the Lion King. Luckily there was nobody else around when i started watching her play, because they would have thought I was listening to some grotesque sort of porn. There should be a ban of certain players playing under the roof and Venus should be number 1.
Samit failing to tuck in
And as we are talking about fitness, we might as well move on to Samit Patel. Cricket is seen as a sport for men (and women) of all sizes, but those days are changing. Clearly Samit had been enjoying the curry houses and pubs of Kimberley too much, although he isn't the only person I know from Kimbo who has an extra bit of timber. But there's one surprising element with Samit... I swear he hasn't lost any weight. He still looks as round as ever despite apparently losing enough weight to now be chosen for England. Not that I have anything against people who are a bit hefty (I mean how much of a hypocrite could I be?) Still, he chose a bad time to get run out without scoring, after being too lazy to get back into his crease. It took the third umpire a while to give him out, but then again it took him a while to get a camera angle where he could see both the popping crease and the stumps in the same shot.
Home Nations revel in their arrogance
A quick question. Apart from Wales, why would the 2012 GB football team pick players from any other country except England? Where are these great Scottish youngsters hiding that are going to destroy the Spanish? Admittedly the England under-21 side didn't exactly set alight their European Championships, but the arrogance of the other British nations is staggering. I've never heard anyone complain about the Lions tours, but at least in rugby there are good players from all home nations and not just England.
Flop(ianski) of the week
Samit was certainly one contender this week, but Jack Warner has to be the winner. In fact, I almost admire Jack for his ability to be found guilty of so many things yet escaping judgement and being able to secure a large pension for himself. Jamie Carragher once said that it was unfair to say that players in League Two cared more then their illustrious Premier League counterparts, because it was the better players who put more effort in to make such they succeeded at the sport. Now that is a fairer assessment on men like Mr Warner. For too long we have looked upon the corrupt as if they are unintelligent and lucky to be in a position of such wealth. Warner has clearly spent hours perfecting the ability to lick the backside of filthy sporting dictators such as Sepp Blatter and avoiding any consequences for his actions. But should he want to be caught less often trying to steal the public's money, he might want to pay more attention in Westminster.
Hall of Lame
Every year at Wimbledon. We approach the second week and there is only one Brit left in the singles. Every year.
Villas-Boas' time at Chelsea
October - top of the table playing some attractive football
November - John Terry shags his wife
December - Ray Wilkins becomes assistant manager but is sacked a week later after telling Roman to stay on his feet
January - mid-season slump, but still top and in all 4 competitions
February - Gets shot by Ashley Cole who says it was an accident
March - wins the Carling Cup
April - Fernando Torres scores
May - wins the Premier League and FA Cup
Late May - loses Champions League final to Barcelona after Busquets and Alves get half the Chelsea team sent off.
Next day - sacked - leaves with £15 million compensation
August - Avram Grant becomes manager
September - John Terry shags his wife
The one thing nobody wants...
A Venus Williams v. Maria Sharapova Wimbledon final. With the roof shut.
Embarrassing moment of the week
One time, whilst on a school trip to Dublin, somebody told me that Oscar Wilde lived in the city. I questioned this knowledge when my teacher, who was not within ear-shot, decided that moment to tell the group of us that we were now stood beside Oscar Wilde's house.
My slightly embarrassing moment of the week was along the same lines as this mistake. But although I had reason not to know about Oscar Wilde's birth-place, I pride myself to be somebody who is extremely knowledgable on all things cricket. So it was slightly worrying when at Trent Bridge, I asked my mate "why is Adam Voges coming into bat at number 3? He hasn't scored any runs this year." However, the annoucer chose that moment to tell the crowd that Voges was the joint top run scorer in this year's tournament alongside David Hussey. And after today's match, he is now the sole leading run scorer. At least I wasn't laughed at for my ignorance...
Quotes of the week
John Terry: "I look forward welcoming the new manager and his wife to London."
Cesc Fabregas: "I love Arsenal, it forms a special bond in my heart."
Steve McClaren: "I know (pause) this club (pause) this team (pause). I think, erm, they play (pause) good football?"
Cesc Fabregas: "I want to leave. Barcelona has a special bond for me and I cannot bear to be in England any more."
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