2012 (It is the end)

It’s that magical time of the year where you get to wake up on the 25^th of December and find out what great presents you have got. Unless you’re a Jew, in which case you end up like Arsene Wenger counting your pennies and wondering why you ever thought Nicklas Bendtner was any good (or is that just me?)

Without wasting more time here is my festive edition of Sporting Underachiever (note it is a long one so you might have to skip certain parts).

Christmas presents

I might be no psychic and I can't tell what everyone is getting for Christmas without actually breaking into their house and having a look (which would be slightly illegal) but here’s what I imagine the following people and teams will hope to receive from Santa:

Forest – 3 points

Manchester United – Thursday nights back

Heskey – a goal

Fernando Torres – a goal

Andy Carroll – a haircut… and a goal

Joey Barton – a book on philosophy

Luis Suarez – a new pair of boots as his current ones clearly aren’t giving him any grip

Andre Villas-Boas – the Jose Mourinho guide to paranoia

Carlos Tevez – a new dummy to spit out

Steve McClaren – an English accent

Steve Bruce – Manchester United reserves job (basically the Sunderland job but even harder to get fired)

Peter Crouch – a change of clubs, it’s been almost six months after all

Jose Mourinho – an injury to Lionel Messi

Samir Nasri – the Michael Owen guide to warming the bench… wasn’t Cesc Fabregas the one who was expected to be sitting on the sidelines at his new club?

Mario Balotelli – everything from a new darts board, to an AC Milan shirt to a fireworks display

Ryan Giggs – a new sister in law

Nicolas Anelka – a Chinese dictionary

For me? – Forest somehow make play-offs, Adebola (who returns in January) scores the winning goal in the final, Derby get relegated, Leicester go into administration, I get a first in all my essays and Megan Fox realises a good thing when she sees it and decides to become my gf. Actually, I’d take one of those things. In fact, I’d take 21^st place right now.

Heroes of the year:

Balotelli

Heskey

Holloway

Adebola

England cricket team

Villains of the year:

Blatter

Tevez

England rugby team

Jailed Pakistan cricketers

Rooney

Flop XI of the year: (positions variable): De Gea; Bramble, Evans, Luiz, Squillaci; Salgado, Ireland, Bebe, Bendtner, Torres, Carroll (since joining Liverpool)

Manager: Avram Grant           Assistant manager: Steve Kean         

First team coach: Steve McClaren

Dream team: Kameni; Morgan, Samba, Elokobi; Yaya, Essien, Tchoyi; Heskey, Yakubu, Balotelli ; Adebola

Subs: Shittu, Agymang, Richards, Mulumbu, Diame

Manager: Paul Ince

Quotes + Chants of the year

Mario Balotelli – ‘Why always me?’

Sepp Blatter – ‘I would deny it. There is no racism, there is maybe one of the players towards another, he has a word or a gesture which is not the correct one, but also the one who is affected by that.

‘He should say this is a game. We are in a game, and at the end of the game, we shake hands, and this can happen, because we have worked so hard against racism and discrimination.’

Sven Goran Erikssn on Leicester’s owners – ‘They are ambitious and very good business men. They have excellent results in business and that’s what they want in football as well.

‘I know the target is not only to reach the Premier League but to stay there. And sooner or later they want to reach Europe as well.’

Ian Holloway on Fifa, winter World Cup etc - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6PacW2fJV0&feature=related

  

Steve McClaren – ‘I have returned to the Netherlands as they are the only country who can understand what I am saying.

Youssouf Mulumbu – ‘Mulumbu woah, Mulumbu woah, he comes from Africa, he’s better than Kaka.’

To all fans of Manchester United and City – ‘Thursday nights, Channel Five.’

The next six months:

January – Manchester City beat Manchester United thanks to a late Mario Balotelli winner who celebrates by whipping out a firework from inside his shorts (at least, I hope that’s where it came from) and setting it off on the pitch before tripping up Fergie as he tries to go down the tunnel.

In the transfer window – Adebola moves to Forest, Crouch moves to Sunderland, Defoe moves to Villa, Robbie Keane moves to Bolton, Sven takes charge of Blackburn and Steve McClaren becomes manager of the Dutch national team

England begin their series against Pakistan but both sides call it off quite early when half the Pakistan team are seen coming out of Ladbrokes before the first day’s play.

February – All five English teams progress in Europe with Stoke going to the Mestalla and winning 3-0 from three long throws after Rory Delap and Ryan Shotton stole some towels from their dressing room toilet.

Cardiff beat Liverpool in the Carling Cup final but are later stripped of the trophy because Sepp Blatter states no Welsh team can play in an English tournament, prompting all British FAs to threaten any non-English player with a life ban should they compete in the Olympics.

Andy Murray gets to the final of the Australian Open once again but this time fails to win even a game as he is taken apart by Novak Djokovic.

March – Arsenal get knocked out of the Champions League by Barcelona and Chelsea are on the verge of making the semi-final but Stuart Atwell, who is in charge of their match against Apoel Nicosia, decides to award the Greek side a last minute goal at Stamford Bridge despite the ball hitting the corner flag. Meanwhile, on Thursday nights, Stoke lose out to Trabzonspor after all their players ate some dodgy lasagne the night before the second leg, but both United and City progress to the semis although they avoid facing each other for the 56^th time that season.

April – Darren Clarke wins the Masters after Rory McIlroy loses a 10 stroke lead on the final day. Tiger Woods gets in a fight with former caddie Steve Williams after he was heard making a joke about the golfer’s sex life.

Apoel Nicosia defeat Real Madrid in the Champions League semi-finals prompting Jose Mourinho to blame the EU for allowing the Greeks to play in the tournament before demanding another £200 million to spend in the summer in order to compete with them. In the other semi-final, Barcelona defeat Bayern Munich after Franck Ribery was suspended from world football for joining in with a Silvio Berlusconi bunga-bunga party which included several underage girls.

May – Man City pip United to the title and Europa League but miss out on the FA Cup after a Dele Adebola inspired comeback sees Forest come from three goals down to win in extra time. A week later, Adebola nets the winner at Wembley as Forest defeat Leicester – who are once again being managed by Sven - in the play-off final. Sven is once again sacked but soon announces he is to be in the next series of Big Brother.

Elsewhere, Apoel Nicosia win the Champions League and Sepp Blatter makes a new Fifa law which states England must play Heskey in the Euros. He then denies all allegations of an anti-English bias and says the media are all paranoid.

June – Andy Murray wins Wimbledon but nobody realised because the build-up to the Olympics is in full swing. Rory McIlroy misses the cut at the Open and complains that a spectator was using a fan-hat which was making conditions too windy to play in.

The year in Sporting Underachiever…

Having put out the blog between March and October, here is a re-cap of some of the major sporting moments of the year and how I reported on them. Look out for some lively rivalries.

March

Cricket World Cup - After being called negative for thinking England scraping their way into the quarter-finals of the World Cup could be a bad thing, I was disappointed to be proved right. The Three Lions gave a typically underwhelming display with the bat, led by the normally impressive Andrew Strauss who played the sort of innings expected by me - lots of defensive shots before being bowled trying to play a dirty slog. England being England, they played the part-time spinners in ultra-defensive mode, like they were Murali, then played Murali like he was, well, Xavier Doherty.

The highlight of the match has to be Eoin Morgan's innings of 50 off 55 balls, which included three bad drops and being given not out LBW (a decision which was not reviewed) when it was actually out. The talk at the interval was that 230 was a competitive score, but then the Sri Lankan openers proved that the pitch was not a minefield, as England had made it appear, and cantered to victory inside 40 overs.

If England disappointing at a World Cup was to be expected, then South Africa's collapse against New Zealand was a dead cert. The Proteas have now lost five knockout matches in a row at World Cups, most famously in 1999 against Australia. The word 'choke' is branded around too easily these days, but watching AB de Villiers being run-out by his partner when in the form of his live was unsurprising, although if anyone was going to be run-out, then the heavy odds would have been on Jacques Kallis.

Champions League - big shock of the week, Chelsea didn't get the worst team left in the draw. However, they got off likely compared to Spurs who have the easy task of knocking out Real Madrid then (almost certainly) Barcelona, just to reach the final. I would lurve it if Spurs made it to the semis and started playing long ball to Peter Crouch at the Nou Camp. All Harry needs to do is ask Stoke for Rory Delap and they would be sorted. Can't believe nobody has though of trying that against Barca yet.

After Arsenal got knocked out in the round before - Five officials, we were told, would get 99% of decisions right. That was the verdict of Michel Platini, so of course we knew the complete opposite would happen.

Flop(ianski)

Mario Balotelli narrowly beat the England rugby team as the winner of the inaugural Flop(ianski) of the week for his red card against Dynamo Kiev and his inability to put on a bib. Now I know your average footballer is hardly Stephen Fry, but the incompetence shown by Balotelli makes me wonder who dresses him in the morning, and how much must they get paid?

Quotes of the week

Rio Ferdinand - 'We are all behind John Terry, which is quite ironic considering why he lost the captaincy in the first place.'

Carlo Ancelotti - 'I would like to thank the scouting team for finding me such a great striker. Unfortunately, they also wasted £50 million on Torres.'

April

Premier League - However, this week, the Premier League was fairly predictable: West Ham put in a shambolic defensive performance, Man United pulled off a great comeback (aided by the ref), Rooney scored, Torres didn't score and Arsenal choked again.

Champions League - Emmanuel Adebayor did the impossible during the week, he managed to improve his popularity with Arsenal, Man City and Real Madrid fans all at the same time, as well as all other London sides. Arsenal fans may have forgiven him a bit for leaving them for more money as he scored his 10th goal in as many matches against their North London rivals to effectively knock them out of the Champions League. Perhaps allowing him to go out on loan was part of Roberto Mancini's masterplan at gaining revenge on Spurs for pipping them to 4th place last season, but the Togolese striker will certainly be more popular now.

Torres - As has been pointed out on Facebook this week, Fernando Torres has beaten David Blaine's record for doing nothing in a box. However, he finally found the back of the net this weekend against Wigan, before finding out he was offside.

Injunctions - Of course this week has seen more usage of injunctions and super-injunctions to keep people from finding out that footballers cheat on their wives (yes really).  If you are looking for even more women to Google, then check out Imogen Thomas, who has had an affair with a married Premier League footballer, but has been banned from selling her story to newspapers. The problem with trying to guess who it is, is that there are so many footballers who are rich and sleazy enough to do this. Until a week ago Torres would have been out of the questions as nobody could remember the last time he scored, but you can never rule out somebody who plays for Chelsea.

Hall of Lame

However, this week saw a PGA tour record as Kevin Na hit 16 on a par 4, as he hit the ball into the trees twice before taking a number of shots to get the ball out. Yet somehow, he hit 3 under on the back 9 which takes some doing. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VQpjnz_PuGU

The week ahead

Mario Balotelli does not travel to Anfield because it turns out he is allergic to Scousers. Instead, he travels to the Masters where he is seen chipping golf balls at spectators.

Quotes of the week

Harry Redknapp, on Peter Crouch: 'The kid is t'riffic, a lovely lovely lad, everyone loves him.'

Jose Mourinho, on Peter Crouch: 'When you are making Omelettes, Crouch would be the 2nd class eggs.'

Carlo Ancelotti: 'This is not a good time for Fernando, but Ashley and John are going to give him some tips as they know how to score on a Saturday night.'

Ray Wilkins: 'Stay on your feet', 'Stand up' or 'Kaboul is useless'

May

Champions League - As expected, the Champions League will be contested by United and Barcelona, although fans of Mourinho can certainly point out that Madrid got a number of poor decisions over the two legs. It is certainly a shame to see one side profit over the other from dodgy referees, except when the manager is Mourinho. He should look at how Crawley Town played at Old Trafford when they were massive underdogs to see that playing attacking football is more important than spending lots of money, winning ugly then moving on to another "project". Top marks this week go to Mascherano for managing to con referee Wolfgang Stark into ruling out Higuain's goal. A masterful performance.

Speaking of Crawley Town, they put in a much better performance than Schalke managed. Even Darron Gibson, who left Twitter after being abused by fans, managed to look good. Remember, Twitter is the home of Piers Morgan and Gary Neville, so the abuse must have been seriously bad for Gibson to decide to quit.

Premier League - With all the inevitability of an Australian batting collapse, Manchester United managed to find the goal they needed to lift the Premier League trophy. Although Hernandez was fouled in the box (what was Paul Robinson doing?!) there was little doubt that the penalty would be given, even with all the consultation between referee and linesman. You can just imagine the conversation going on between the two:

Ref: What do you think?

Lino: Why are you asking me? I'm a linesman we never give decisions

Ref: If only we had someone behind the goal, then it would be so much easier

Lino: As we are both not sure, I don't think we can give a penalty

Ref: You're right. (Looks at Ferguson then points to the spot).

Avram Grant being sacked afterwards was as inevitable as a Novak Djokovic win, but he can have no complaints. A team with the striking options of Cole, Ba, Piquionnem Keane and Sears should not come bottom, not to mention Scott Parker, my player of the season. Hammers fans can now look forward to blowing bubbles in the Championship, alongside Forest.

The week ahead

Predicting what will happen at the Nou Camp on Tuesday is like trying to predict the mood swings of a girl, but we might as well make some suggestions:

Number of goals: 1
Number of red cards: 3
Number of yellow cards: 10
Number of times a physio comes on to the pitch: 15
Number of fouls: 70
Number of Barcelona passes: 630
Number of rolls on the floor: 700?

Quotes of the week

Sir Alex Ferguson - "I urge the Chelsea board not to sack Carlo Ancelotti. I further urge them to start Torres up-front, to sell Drogba and play Mikel in every match."

Arsene Wenger - "The title is still ours to win."

Avram Grant - "We will not go down, we have Robbie Keane to score the goals for us."

Mick McCarthy - "I hope we batter Sunderland and I hope we get awarded lots of penalties and I hope our fans abuse their players and the ref and their chairman..."

Balotelli - "All my season was shit"

Jose Mourinho: "There's no point playing next season, because a Fifa, Uefa and UN conspiracy will give Barcelona the title, Champions League and Nobel Peace Prize."

Neil Warnock: "I look like Mrs Doubtfire and an anagram of my name is Colin Wanker."

June

Ryan Giggs - Hello and welcome back to the blog which does to sport what Ryan Giggs does to his family. Whenever there is any sporting scandal, the first place to go is to Facebook for all the witty groups which pop up immediately. So far we have - Ryan Giggs: Famed for putting in deep balls. Shamed for being balls deep and Giggsy, happy to take them from Big Brother or little brother. All we are waiting for now is - "That man is a family man." "Umm, Nan, that's Ryan Giggs." (Having fun keeping up with all the slurs?)

Fifa - We've had the corruption stories, we've seen Jack Warner threaten to set the fires of hell on Sepp Blatter before endorsing his bid to become President, we've seen photos of bribes being offered to Caribbean nations and we've seen the whole world blame England for everything. But, could we have ever imagined that Henry Kissinger would be brought into try and save the game from evils within its head organisation.

England v. India - However, the Indians have already caused controversy by refusing to use the Review system for the Test series. This is like Fifa implementing goal-line technology, but not using it in a World Cup qualifier because one of the teams didn't want it. The fact that India are the dominant force in cricket and current World champions means they should be using the system alongside every other Test playing nation. I'm already hoping that in the first morning of the first day of the first Test, Sachin Tendulkar gets a shocking decision and there is nothing he can do about it. Maybe then they will change their minds.

Samit Patel - Still, he chose a bad time to get run out without scoring, after being too lazy to get back into his crease. It took the third umpire a while to give him out, but then again it took him a while to get a camera angle where he could see both the popping crease and the stumps in the same shot.

Villas-Boas’ time in England:

October - top of the table playing some attractive football
November - John Terry shags his wife
December - Ray Wilkins becomes assistant manager but is sacked a week later after telling Roman to stay on his feet
January - mid-season slump, but still top and in all 4 competitions
February - Gets shot by Ashley Cole who says it was an accident
March - wins the Carling Cup
April - Fernando Torres scores
May - wins the Premier League and FA Cup
Late May - loses Champions League final to Barcelona after Busquets and Alves get half the Chelsea team sent off.
Next day - sacked - leaves with £15 million compensation
August - Avram Grant becomes manager
September - John Terry shags his wife

Links

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2V3DeqELS8A&feature=youtu.be – Brilliant penalty incident

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p00hf8wq -- Jonathan Agnew having another “interesting” moment on air

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p00hf8wq -- evidence why Steve McClaren was always destined to fail

July

David Haye after his loss - If we knew anything before Saturday about David Haye it was that he can certainly talk the talk. Maybe he could go and work with Ed Miliband and help him with his interviews. I could just picture it now: "This election will be as one-sides as a gangrape," although with Clegg and Cameron teaming up together this prediction could become a scary possibility, albeit with the roles reversed.

County Cricket - As if this Test match hasn't been good enough, it has been a glorious week for cricket watchers everywhere. For me, two matches in particular have stood out. The Hampshire v. Nottinghamshire match was a thriller, with 25 of the 36 wickets being taken by spinners and Notts falling 4 runs short of winning the match with 4 wickets remaining.

However, the Roses clash at Headingley was something else. Yorkshire were 48 for 8 in reply to Lancashire's 328 all out, but they rallied to make 239.

Then, amazingly they had Lancashire 33 for 3 at the close of play and 87 for 8 the next morning, but then they managed to make it to 194.

As if that wasn't dramatic enough, chasing 283 to win, Yorkshire were 177-8 before another ridiculous 9th wicket stand got them to 230-9, but eventually they lost by 23 runs.

So overall, the 9th wicket stands in the match were: 9, 154, 80 and 53. Not too bad.

Novak Djokovic - The Serbian had shown an aversion to grass which matched that of Mario Balotelli (who suffered an allergic reaction), and like our Italian friend he has found a way to overcome it.

Quotes of the week

Jose Enrique - "The club is allowing all the major players of the team to go. Seriously, do you think it is the fault of the players? Andy [Carroll], nobby [Kevin Nolan] etc etc. This club will never again fight to be among the top six again with this policy."

Roberto Mancini - "I was absolutely not being disrespectful to Arsenal. All I said was I was looking forward to Nasri playing in a blue shirt next year. I was of course talking about the Arsenal away shirt. I think it looks good on him."

Guy Moussi, after signing a 3 year contract with Forest: "I don't want to be rude, but I could not have gone to Derby. It was impossible."

And what he actually meant: "I would never go and play for the sheep-shagging scum, baa baa."

Links

http://hasandrevillasboasbeensackedyet.com/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7oytEUmlkHo - some Balotelli magic. And from Opta 7 - Despite playing just 32 mins, Mario Balotelli had the most shots (4) & created the joint-most chances (3) v LA Galaxy. Hollywood.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mH3IViJfK48 – David Haye being mocked

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/football/teams/wales/8635249/Meet-the-Faroese-student-who-made-Wales-officially-worse-at-football.html - A brilliant Welsh fan

August

England - Congratulations to the England under-20s who epitomised the art of sexy football by qualifying for the knock-out stages of their World Cup... without a goal being scored in any of their matches. They've been following the Paraguay school of how to win without actually winning, or if Carlsberg did 0-0s...

Steve Kean - Steve Kean was caught drink driving - is that him doing anything for three points? Or was this his way of trying to get out of the Blackburn Rovers job. If it was the latter than he shouldn't worry, unless he starts winning soon.

Derby County - It may have been a few years ago, but who could forget the pitiful 11 points Derby managed to win in an entire Premier League season. So now, I am launching the Derby points challenge to see when every team in the top flight passes that points tally. It is still early days, but I am expecting the challenge to be completed before the turn of the year. Amazingly, and annoyingly, they have already passed their own challenge after two weeks of this season.

Dele Adebola - No Forest striker has scored in 4 league games, so I feel it is only right to create the Bring Back Adebola campaign. Let us not forget, the big man started on three ocassions last season and netted each time. How we could do with his predatory instincts (and sizeable assets) right now.

Link

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/aug/19/getafe-fans-sperm-donors

September

Fernando Torres on that miss - And then, he produced some nice skill to take the ball around David de Gea and I was preparing to scrap everything I had written about him. And then... well it can happen to the best of us (or even me).

Rugby - It's amazing that during the football equivalent last summer I was rooting for New Zealand to win and now 14 months on, I just want to see them choke and lose. Admittedly, I still want the French to lose badly, really, really badly.

The best thing about these tournaments is picking a minnow side who you want to do well. Out of all the teams I can see, I am going to root for Tonga for the simple reason that I want them to beat France.

In other news, the team I have decided to lend my support to, Tonga, lost 25-20 to Canada. Just as long as they beat France.

What will really happen between now and Euro 2012

It wasn't inspiring, but England, somehow, are only one point away from making Euro 2012 thanks to Rob Earnshaw's miss.

Assuming (should never use that word), that England do qualify, we will once again be on the verge of another tournament where everyone says we have a chance of winning it if Lampard and Gerrard learn to play together, Terry doesn't shag Rooney's wife and Capello is swapped for Sven.

But what will really happen between now and the start of the tournament? Let me look into my crystal ball.

England are 1-0 down in Montenegro, but Lampard hits a shot through the side netting which ends up in the goal. The Italian referee, Stuenzo Attwellio, says it was legitimate and England hang on to qualify.

Friendlies against Holland and Spain are lined up. Against the Dutch, England lose 2-0 with 9 men after having five people stretchered off from challenges by Nigel de Jong.

Against Spain, they are two-nil up courtesy of Young and Walcott, but Fernando Torres scores twice and Lionel Messi, who has defected because he wasn't being appreciated in Argentina, hits the winner.

2012:

Theo Walcott, writing in his second autobiography, Hitting Puberty, says how angry he is not to be considered as a striker any more and eventually retires from international football with what is probably the most number of England caps without ever being to a tournament.

Andy Carroll is put in hospital due to drinking excessive alcohol. His manager, Kenny Dalglish, still maintains that he doesn't have a drinking problem. In his place, Capello calls up Heskey with no other options available as all other strikers have retired from international football. After bundling in the winner in a friendly against Andorra, it is impossible to leave him out again.

Capello brings in David Beckham as his translator. During a training session Beckham impresses Capello so much that he is now irreplacable in the squad.

Beckham breaks a metatarsal playing for QPR (who he joined after his former club, Leicester City, went bust). The country holds it's breath as Beckham tries to desperately regain fitness in time for the start of the tournament.

John Terry shags Gareth Barry's wife so he pulls out of the squad. Terry becomes a national hero.

It is then discovered that Terry is actually the father of Beckham's daughter, Harper Seven. At once, he is dropped as captain and replaced by Beckham.

Joey Barton makes fun of Wayne Rooney's new mullet hairstyle and the pair end up getting in a fight on the streets. Result? Rooney is to be in prison during the tournament for GBH.

In a surprise move, Rooney is given early release after one week, just before Capello names his squad for the tournament. He is part of the 23 man squad alongside Barton (plus a couple of other surprises)

First match of the tournament...

Starting XI: Hart; Smalling, Terry, Campbell, Bridge; Beckham, Lampard, Barton, Gerrard; Rooney, Heskey

What happens from then on is anybody's guess.

Flop(ianksi)

Hola Carlos, now pack your bags. Speaking about pack your bags, adios Schteeve, but next time you manage in England please speak normally.

Quotes of the week

Asamoah Gyan - "’I'm really happy to be here. Al-Ain is an important club and this is a big challenge for me. There will be a lot of expectations on me, but not pressure.’

Cristiano Ronaldo - "I think that because I am rich, handsome and a great player people are envious of me." Tell me about it mate.

Links

http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/video/2011/sep/07/al-ahly-amir-sayoud-misses-penalty-video?CMP=twt_gu – Lovejoy!

http://www.people.co.uk/news/uk-world-news/2011/09/04/newcastle-united-owner-mike-ashley-s-full-monty-strip-in-a-chinese-restaurant-102039-23394181/ - More class from Mike Ashley

http://www.whoateallthepies.tv/champions_league/87176/tiziano-crudelis-heart-almost-explodes-watching-milan-vs-barcelona-video.html - Funniest thing ever

http://t.co/aMrOEUTo - Great chat at the end

The year in numbers (spot the real ones)

0 – the number of goals and assists Stewart Downing has provided since his £20 million move to Liverpool

1- members of the Giggs family still talking to Ryan

2 – the average minutes of added time when Manchester United are winning

3 – the number of times Gary Neville is referred to at an Andre Villas-Boas press conference

5 – the number of years for Steve Kean’s new contract following the Bolton defeat

7 – the average

 minutes of added time when Manchester United are losing

8 – the percentage of Roberto Mancini’s hair which was grey before he signed Mario Balotelli

9 – the number of goals Aston Villa have conceded to corners having scored none themselves

10 - the age of the person controlling David Luiz on the PlayStation

14 – the position Arsenal would be in without Robin van Persie

15 – the number of matches since Wigan won a game by more than one goal

24 – the number of games since Blackburn last kept a clean sheet

30 – the number of minutes Luis Suarez spends on the deck in a match

32 – the number of matches Bolton have played since their last draw

35 – the number of shots Emile Heskey needs to score a goal

43 – the number of matches since Blackburn recorded back-to-back wins

50 – the number of millions Fernando Torres cost Chelsea, also the number of days he has to repay Roman Abramovich before he gets shipped out of the country

70 – the number of millions it costs to insure Robin van Persie’s left foot

75% – how long the ball stays in the air during a Stoke v. Blackburn match

125 – the number of minutes Michael Owen will spend on the pitch during league matches

25,000 – packets of gum Sir Alex Ferguson gets through a season

2,560,000 – the number of results on Google when you type in ‘Sepp Blatter corrupt’

The Christmas card list

Which people will not be on each other’s Christmas card list this year…

Harry Redknapp – Chris Foy

John Toshack – Robbie Savage

Sir Alex Ferguson – Arsene Wenger, Rafael Benitez, Roy Keane, any referee

Andre Villas-Boas – Gary Neville, Alan Hansen, any member of the media

Joey Barton – Mike Ashley, Derek Llambias, members of TOWIE

Nigel Doughty – Billy Davies, Steve McClaren

Kieron Dyer – Lee Bowyer

Missing in action

Could the following people please be returned to their clubs immediately if found…

Fernando Torres, Carlos Tevez, Michel Salgado, Bobby Zamora, Andy Carroll, Jonny Evans, Michael Owen, Titus Bramble, Bebe

All I want for Christmas…

We know what the clubs and players want, but what about the fans?

Arsenal – Robin van Persie to sign a new contract

Aston Villa – Emile Heskey to score, Darren Bent to score, anyone to score

Bolton – Stuart Holden to spend less time with them and more on the pitch

Blackburn – New owners, new manager, new players (except Yakubu and Samba)

Chelsea – John Obi Mikel sold, anybody but David Luiz to play at centre-back

Everton – Money and lots of it

Fulham – Thursday nights back

Liverpool – A new FA who will scrap Suarez’s ban and make the goals slightly bigger

Manchester City – Robin van Persie

Manchester United – Nemanja Vidic to miraculously recover, Ajax to beat them in the Europa League and a new central midfielder

Newcastle – New owner, new board, new name for their stadium

Norwich – A healthy supply of pies (an oxymoron I know) to keep Grant Holt going

QPR – Less tweeting, more winning and Flavio Briatore banned from the ground

Sunderland – Martin O’Neill to sign a contract which prevents him from ever leaving

Stoke – Dry weather

Swansea – To stay a division above Cardiff

Tottenham – One more point than Arsenal

Wigan – Somebody who can score

West Brom – Tchoyi to tear everyone apart again

Wolves – Elokobi and Zubar paired together

And finally from me…

Thank you to everyone who has read the blog this year and let me know about it. I always appreciate feedback, unless it’s negative that is. I apologise for often being extremely Forest and Balotelli-centred, but to be honest, what else is there to talk about? And I also apologise for spamming your Facebook home page with sports articles.

I have enjoyed poking fun at much more talented and classy people than myself and I hope you have found it reasonably funny. I hope to return with another edition of Sporting Underachiever in the future but in the meantime stay classy. And thanks for tuning in. But mainly stay classy.

Some Redbrick articles for you to look at if you wish to:

http://www.redbrickpaper.co.uk/2011/12/my-premier-league-team-of-the-year/

http://www.redbrickpaper.co.uk/2011/12/my-cricket-team-of-the-year/

http://www.redbrickpaper.co.uk/2011/12/vote-tuesday-top-10-sports-personality-contenders/

http://www.redbrickpaper.co.uk/2011/12/vote-wednesday-debate-sports-personality-candidate-selection-process/

And it's goodbye from me

Right, this is it. It's been an emotional journey and we have made fun of a lot of people who deserve it, whilst suffered Forest's heartbreak together. But today marks my last weekly blog. For both my readers I know this will be a sad moment, although I'm sure everyone else will be glad to have less spam on their walls on a Sunday night.

The reason for such a drastic decision comes after being made online sports editor for Redbrick, most probably the finest student newspaper about (in my unbiased opinion). This great priviledge will take up the number of hours needed to keep you all entertained every Sunday evening, so unfortunately, the blog had to give way.

However, there is no need to mourn Sporting Underachiever just yet. During holidays, such as reading week in a few weeks time, I will try my best to bring out a one-off edition. Moreover, the weekly contest between the Tipster and the Selly Oak Tramp will continue and I still can't wait to see who comes out on top of our season predictions (more on that later).

And as for the spam? Well, you can probably expect me to keep on putting stuff on Facebook, but it will pretty much all be Redbrick related (also, feel free to check out my brief interview with the women's rugby captain on the newspaper's website).

Ideally, I would have liked to have gone out on a bang, but due to being at home most of the weekend for unavoidable committments and an already growing amount of reading, it has been more difficult than I thought. And add into the fact that I only bought Fifa 12 today. Still, I hope you enjoy my thoughts and ramblings for the last time in my permanent Sunday slot.

Que pasa Carlos?
Carlos Tevez said his quotes after the Bayern Munich match, where he admitted to not coming on, were misquoted. Well, he didn't actually say that, because his English isn't good enough. His adviser, Kia Picanto, or whatever his name is, had to tell us. So maybe when Carlitos was told by Roberto Mancini to go on to the pitch, he had no idea what he was telling him. And maybe when Carlos said he hated Manchester and wanted to leave, he was misquoted again. I suppose that's all plausible. And in other news, Sepp Blatter really wants to reform Fifa and Arsenal win the Premier League.

Adios big Dilley
We can all remember the infamous, "the bowler's Holding, the batsman's Willey." So in a week where Ashes hero Graham Dilley died, it's only right to re-live another bit of commentary magic.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oh4iF_Si_2E

Carragher doesn't know the meaning of cheating
Apparently, having a foreign coach is 'cheating.' This the supposed wisdom from Jamie Carragher, who had no qualms returning from international retirement at the last World Cup under a certain Italian manager. It's funny, because at cricket, England are the dominant force in the longest form of the game and are led by a Zimbabwean. India are led by a South African and in recent years Sri Lanka and Bangladesh have had foreign coaches. So if Andy Flower being coach of England is cheating, then I hope we continue to cheat. It's about time we dominated a sport.

And speaking of cheating, the trial of the Pakistanis accused of match-fixing began this week. I would never want to second-guess a verdict, but if you saw the video evidence last year then they are going to need a stunning lawyor to get an acquittal. Now that is cheating.

Rooney see red
I get slated every time I tell people that Wayne Rooney should not go to the Euros, but I think, for once, that I've been proved right. I hope he's banned for three matches and Fabio Capello doesn't take him to the tournament. What we don't need is a circus about when he will get back into the team, who he will replace, what formation will bring the best out of him etc. Take Welbeck, Agbonlahor, Defoe, Bent and pick one or two out of those.

Also, isn't it slightly coincidental that the surge of betting on a red card for that Motherwell game came from loads of people from Liverpool. Where's Rooney from again? (I don't generally think there is a betting scam here, but these days anything is possible).

Rugby hell
I hate the French... pricks.

Muzza on fire
Andy Murray beat Rafa Nadal in three sets, which included a bagel in the final set. He only lost four points in that set as well. Am I only the one who thinks back to Wimbledon where he was a set up and blew it? So don't expect to see me putting any of my money on him to win a Grand Slam next year. Novak Djokovic on the other hand...

Season predos
 Let's have a look whose predictions are looking a decent shout so far this season.

Premier League winner:JL: Man U
FK: Man U
RA: Man U
Current result: Umm, you guessed it

Rest of top 4:JL: Man City, Chelsea, Liverpool
FK: Chelsea, Man City, Arsenal
RA: Chelsea, Man City, Arsenal
Current result: Man City, Chelsea, Newcastle (I'm sorry what?)

Relegated teams:JL: Norwich, Wigan, Swansea
FK: Norwich, Wigan, Swansea
RA: Norwich, Wigan, Swansea
Current result: Wigan, Blackburn, Bolton

Top goal-scorer:JL: Rooney
FK: Rooney
RA: Rooney
Current result: Wazza

Number of Fernando Torres goals:JL: 10
FK: 15
RA: 10
Current result: 2

Number of Mario Balotelli goals:JL: 12
FK: 10
RA: 6
Current result: 2

Number of Emile Heskey goals:JL: 4
FK: 1
RA: 3
Current result: 1

Number of games Arsenal let a lead slip:JL: 6
FK: 4
RA: 6
Current result: 1

Norwich overall goal-difference:JL: -15
FK: -28
RA: -21
Current result: -3

First managerial casualty:JL: Alex McLeish
FK: Neil Warnock (JL - hope he's right)
RA: Steve Kean
Current result - Nobody

FA Cup winner:JL: Spurs
FK: Chelsea
RA: Chelsea
Current result - No idea

League Cup winner:JL: Liverpool
FK: Man U
RA: Man City
Current result - all three are still in

Champions League winner:JL: Real Madrid
FK: Barcelona
RA: Barcelona
Current result - Both have started well

Europa League winner:JL: PSG

FK: Liverpool (JL - should be docked a point for being ignorant)
RA: Sevilla

Current result - Not looking good for Fraser here...

Top 2 in Championship:JL: West Ham, Leicester
FK: West Ham, Leicester
RA: West Ham, Leicester

Current result: Southampton, Middlesbrough

Forest overall position:JL: 5th
FK: 5th
RA: 4th

Current result: Umm... 21st

Forest top scorer:JL: Lewis McGugan
FK: Marcus Tudgay
RA: Robbie Findley

Current result: Ishmael Miller with 3

Dele Adebola goals:JL: 3
FK: 1
RA: 3

Current result: 0

Nathan Tyson goals:JL: 10 (I'm relying on him playing 30 games otherwise this will be wrong)
FK: 4
RA: 2

Current result: 0

League 1 winner:JL: Huddersfield
FK: Carlisle (JL - who were beaten 3-0 at home by Notts County. Fraser should definitely be docked a point now)
RA: Huddersfield

Current result: Charlton

League 2 winner:JL: Shrewsbury
FK: Northampton
RA: Crawley

Current result: Southend

Blue Square Prem winner:JL: Luton
FK: Cambridge (JL - Cramp would be happy)
RA: Luton

Current result: Wrexham

And on that bombshell
http://www.mirrorfootball.co.uk/news/Fulham-boss-Martin-Jol-has-fined-HIMSELF-over-Chelsea-Carling-Cup-penalty-kick-row-EXCLUSIVE-article808141.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WEUS5xLTPoQ

And two stories which sum everything up:http://www.skysports.com/story/0,19528,11095_7225914,00.html?utm_source=twitterfeed_Football_twitter&utm_medium=twitter

http://sports.yahoo.com/soccer/news?slug=ap-goal-linetechnology

Adios Schteeve

Well, who could have seen that happening? I mean, as if Newcastle are third and unbeaten. After a lull last week we have exploded with player tantrums, players being whipped and a lot of people on their way out. For cutting edge reaction (it's my blog I can say what I want), let us enjoy this week's blog before more seminars tomorrow.

Touch of a Bramble

Far be it for me to incriminate myself on the internet (ignoring the obvious cringeworthy photos which are on my Facebook profile), but it surprising to hear about the allegations surrounding Titus Bramble when he has been unable to get near an opposing striker for the past 10 years, never mind a woman on the run.

Here's hoping that everybody's second favourite footballer after Emile Heskey is not guilty of the allegations and can go back to shore up Sunderland's defence soon.

I will not play

£200,00 a week Carlos Tevez refuses to go on to the pitch against Bayern Munich. Shock! Horror! How dare he! What a disgrace! This has never happened before, right? Wrong. Let's break the whole story down for a minute here.

Ok, first of all it's probably right that I should say that Tevez has clearly incriminated himself already and whatever he says we all know his excuses are bollocks. But was this really as big a deal as we all say it was? It's not like footballers ever skip matches so they don't get cup-tied, and it's not like footballers ever say their head isn't in the right place before a match, then a week later go somewhere else (Mascherano).

And didn't one of the greatest, and most liked, footballers of all time refuse to play once? Yes, that's right, Paul Scholes said that and although he apologised afterwards, because nobody knew about it he got away from it. Like with all things, Tevez's crime was being caught.

Also, in the last stretches of Tevez's defence (and just to make it clear, I think he was totally wrong), is what he did any worse than the footballers who cheat on their (sometimes pregnant) wives or with their sister-in-law?

And out of all the lazy footballers there are, at least Tevez has put his all in for his clubs and delivered.

That aside, he needs to get lost now. There may have a massive over-reaction to Tevez's defiance, but it is clear he should just buy his contract out and leave. That's if he can be bothered to actually get on to a plane.

Ahh yeah!

Forest might be doing rubbish, but a middle three of Morgan, Mcgugan and Miller = mmm.

Speaking of Forest, the Wally and the Chairman have departed. Now being somebody who hates getting birthday cards early and not being able to open them for a few days, I had a cheeky check of Sky Bet to see who was favourite to take over the best job in football (after being a presenter on Sky Sports News)

Speaking of SSN (courtesy of Dick Ayling)

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/showbiz/bizarre/3847901/Steve-Joness-fling-with-Georgie-Thompson.html

Anyway, going back to Forest, I was surprised to see that Martin O'Neill was 6/1 favourite, yet was 5/1 to become the next Manchester City manager, 4/1 to become the next Everton manager, 4/1 favourite to become the next Liverpool manager, 12/1 to become next Tottenham manager, 9/1 to become next England manager, 8/1 to become next Manchester United manager and 16/1 to become next Arsenal manager. Funnily enough, Schteeve is 16/1 to become the next Manchester City manager.

Personally, there is only one man I want to see take the job. Now a month or so ago I started the Bring Back Adebola campaign due to our lack of goals, but since Ishmael Miller has been banging them in, I think we should bring back Pele as a player/manager and use the two beasts to batter every other team into submission.

Come back Adebola!

Warneing: Sportsmen who are losing my respect

Shane Warne and Liz Hurley announced their engagement this week. Looks like Shane has gone from giving it a rip to being whipped.

Big Mac

I must admit I've been a bit disappointed with Rory McIlroy recently as he has become a bit of a big time. Now I'm one of those people who thinks professional sportsmen deserve the pay they get, even footballers, as they are the ones who put in the effort and make the sacrifices to win trophies and bring the money into the game.

But when Rory burst on to the scene he was brilliant with his attacking play and his baby-face. Now that he is a bit older, he still has the golf game, but his life is dominated by other activities. It seems every week he is either watching Manchester United, or flying by his helicopter to watch a big fight.

It doesn't help when he tweets at BBC commentator Jay Townsend: "Shut up ... you’re a commentator and a failed golfer, your opinion means nothing!"

Watching him dump his long-term girlfriend and moving on to tennis player Caroline Wozniacki didn't help my opinion of him, but just reading this made me want to chunder. Come on Rory, you're better than this.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/front_page/15090275.stm

Flop(ianski) of the week

Hola Carlos, now pack your bags. Speaking about pack your bags, adios Schteeve, but next time you manage in England please speak normally.

Also, chin up Warnock

Hall of Lame

Combining Tevez and Forest, I can still remember the last time a player at the City Ground went on strike. Remember Pierre Van Hooijdonk? So incensed was he that Forest didn't strengthen their squad after winning promotion to the Premier League that he went on strike. It seems people have been complaining about Forest's spending for a long time now

Weekly contest: Tipster v. Selly Oak Tramp

There has been a lot of interest this week, with both contenders eagerly awaiting news of their predictions. Well, let the waiting end...

How many points will be scored in the England v. Scotland match?

Tipster: 42
Tramp: 36

Result: 28

And the one we all want to know...

What will be the score in the Tottenham v. Arsenal match?

Tipster: 2-2
Tramp: 3-2 Tottenham

Result: 2-1 Tottenham

Bloody hell what sort of a rubbish Tipster do we have here? I apologise as the Selly Oak Tramp storms into a 7-3 lead. Is it really worth doing this week's predictions? Of course.

The week ahead

How many goals will there be in the Montenegro v. England match?

Tipster: 3
Tramp: 1

And the one we all want to know...

Who will the Ireland v. Wales clash? And by how many points?

Tipster: Wales, 7 points
Tramp: Ireland, 3 points

The week ahead

Carlos Tevez goes to play golf, but gets turned away... oh wait.

Fred Goodwin replaces Mark Arthur as Forest chief executive.

England stuff Montenegro at football and we declare that the team will win the Euros.

Quotes of the week

Steve McClaren, 28th September - "Something drastic has to be done because we can't carry on like this."

Neil Warnock on Carlos Tevez - "the sooner he leaves the country the better". I'd rather have Tevez

Joel Lamy (3 weeks ago) - The best thing about these tournaments is picking a minnow side who you want to do well. Out of all the teams I can see, I am going to root for Tonga for the simple reason that I want them to beat France.

Joel Lamy (2 weeks ago) - In other news, the team I have decided to lend my support to, Tonga, lost 25-20 to Canada. Just as long as they beat France.

Pixie Lott - "It's all about tonight" (anyone who was at my house on Saturday would understand!)

And on that bombshell...

http://www.mirrorfootball.co.uk/news/Manchester-United-fans-taunt-City-over-Carlos-Tevez-s-antics-using-giant-city-centre-billboard-article806586.html?utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=twitter - surprisingly decent banter from United
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yiqoeh5D2o - Ladotelli stirkes again (courtesy of Dick Ayling)

http://uk.eurosport.yahoo.com/blogs/world-of-sport/article/70860/ - that's commitment for you
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/3847574/Manchester-United-Krispy-Kreme-keeper-David-de-Gea-should-be-in-custardy.html - is he secretly a jew?

Torres spends more time on the back pages than Giggs does with his sister in law

Some big news for both the people who read this. Due to my now ridiculous schedule, there is a good chance I will have to either slow down the frequency of my blogs or (if things get really bad) stop it all together. Hopefully I won't have to do anything too drastic.

Of course, I will continue to post random stuff and there is always my Facebook status and Twitter account. But let's not have negative thoughts, here is this week's blog, delivered despite shocking internet connectivity during the week which has made it hard to keep up to date.

A bit Arsey

Arsene Wenger put he wanted '14 more years' with the Gunners as his Facebook status. This was liked by Wayne Rooney, Peter Crouch, Didier Drogba, Sir Alex Ferguson and 10 others.

Fenerbahce banning men

I'm sure you heard this story, but I thought I'd mention it anyway. Turkish team Fenerbahce did the unthinkable and banned all men from a match due to hooliganism, leaving just women and children. Calm down dears...

For Fifa's sake

Those who went to school with me may remember a story from a maths lesson where the guy I was sitting next to had messed up a question with a calculator and in his frustration had written Error 2 as his answer. But somehow, the teacher (who will remain nameless although it's not too hard to guess who it was) decided to give the answer as correct and I don't think it was even for his working.

The point of this story? Well England were fourth in the Fifa rankings last month despite not playing a match. And now they have beaten Bulgaria and Wales but somehow have gone down to eighth in the rankings. Maybe Sepp Blatter was in my maths class as well.

AVB needs to learn from OBE

This week marked the anniversary of Brian Clough's death and Facebook was awash with some great videos of him. In particular I enjoyed his interview with John Motson which saw a frank exchange between the two men about the BBC's coverage of Saturday football.

But what struck me most was how Clough would tell his team to never yell at referees or berate them for bad decisions. And last Sunday, Andre Villas-Boas, after losing to Manchester United, decided to blame the linesman for not giving Chris Smalling and Nani offside before their goals. Yes, they were bad decisions, but why was there nobody near Smalling? And why did nobody close down Nani? And what about when Torres missed an open goal?

More importantly, Forest need their own Clough now. After spending Saturday out I rushed back from the train station to see that Forest were winning at Watford, but after watching the highlights I began to wonder how. The match was so bad that when Match of the Day finished later in the evening we had to turn the TV off before they showed the match on the Football League show.

My favourite moment was McClaren's interview after the match where he said at half-time he had told his team that if they got a chance they had to take it because they probably wouldn't get another one. Get the man a brolly!

You're Gowen nowhere

30 April 2011 - "I suppose I am dreaming of coming off the bench and scoring the stoppage-time winner in the Champions League final.

"That is the motivation that drives me on. Every day I have to be ready and prepared to come in and do something."

That was Michael Owen and to his credit he did score another goal. In case you forgot it was against Blackpool on the final day of the season when they were already Champions and the match was as good as won.

But now that he's scored two goals against Leeds and come on for Javier Hernandez against Stoke he hopes to break into the England squad. Now I like Owen and would like to see him back with the national side, but we know in two weeks time when Rooney, Hernandez and Welbeck are all fit he's going to be warming the bench again.

Milan madness

Gian Piero Gasperini was sacked as Inter manager after five months and replaced by Claudio Ranieri. I suppose it makes Rafa Benitez's time as manager in Milan look pretty decent now.

McIlroy roaring down the Tiger

In a headline on BBC Sport this week Rory McIlroy said Tiger Woods was past his peak. There's going to be a lot of unhappy women in Florida now.

5 Rugby players you would not want to take on in a fight

Right, a bit of background information to this. Fraser Kesteven was meant to do a top 10 with a bit of information on each one, but because he's busy spending all his time losing at Fifa, eating and giving rubbish banter this is all he could be bothered to do. I'm sorry for this pile of wank, but I suppose it's better than nothing.

1. Bakkies Botha

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aO12nItzYdw

2. Sebastian Chabal

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m-J3JfNtjHw

3. Courtney Lawes

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mAB9jlyE7Q4

4. Ma’a Nonu

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ULLlAkSChK4&feature=related

5. Henry Tuilagi

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hXGfHyZJTzE

Speaking of Fifa, it's been a good first week back in Birmingham with the Xbox 360. As expected I have been winning all my matches due to my experience at the world's greatest game, but even I didn't expect to beat Fraser 12-0 with Forest against Chelsea.

But by far the best idea was making it a house rule that if Emile Heskey or Dele Adebola scores a winning or equalising goal in the 85/115th minute onwards or a winning penalty then it is compulsory for everybody in the room (except the person who conceded) to run outside in celebration. So now you know if you come over.

I can tell you now, it is nerve wracking stuff when you do Forest v. Villa and it's 2-2 going into the final minute, but of course big Dele delivered, cue mad scenes in our garden. Then the following night, it was 2-2 again with Emile on a hat-trick and through on goal but fortunately Lee Camp saved my blushes. Then, as is standard, Dele scored another late winner. And despite the fact I was wearing smart clothes it was back into the garden again. There was still time for the big man to seal the hat-trick. Unbelievable tekkers!

Flop(ianski) of the week

Can we really have Fernando Torres two weeks in a row? This despite scoring both times? I may be wrong but I can't think of anything worse than his red card although I'm sure there is. With great timing, Didier Drogba made his return from injury and scored and now has three games to cement his place again in the starting line-up. No wonder he looked happy.

Hall of Lame

If you thought Fernando Torres deserved a red card then you should see this. I know I've posted it before, but still.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UZM8HPOGbv8

Weekly contest: Tipster v. Tramp

With the Selly Oak Tramp 5-3 up, we look at last week's predictions to see if the Tipster, who was less than a minute away from winning an accumulator, can catch up.

Last week's predictions

Who will be top scorer for England in Friday's T20 match v. West Indies
Tipster: Bairstow
Tramp: Kieswetter

Result: Hales

And the one we all want to know...

How many goals will Chelsea score against Swansea?

Tipster: 3
Tramp: 2

Result: 4

Ooh so close for both this week but the scores stay the same. Will they fare better this week I wonder?

How many points will be scored in the England v. Scotland match?

Tipster: 42
Tramp: 36

And the one we all want to know...

What will be the score in the Tottenham v. Arsenal match?

Tipster: 2-2
Tramp: 3-3 Tottenham

The week ahead

I'm going for some late drama here: Spurs late winner, England late winner, Liverpool late winner against Everton. Manchester United... 4-0 against Norwich.

Richard Dunne to score an own goal for Wigan.

Michael Owen to score against Basel then put in a come and get me plea to Barcelona.

Quotes of the week

Fraser Kesteven (on Friday): "Don't worry Joel, I will write the list tonight."

Michael Owen: "I can't see how the gaffer can bring Wayne back in now."

Fraser Kesteven (on Saturday): "Don't worry Joel, I will get it done."

Steve McClaren: "I told the team we need to keep a clean sheet because we aren't good enough to score."

Fraser Kesteven (on Sunday): "Yeah, I'm not going to do it."

Joel Lamy (on Sunday): Expletives deleted

Don't mention the Derby

It's been another dramatic week from all sports, but unfortunately I have had to miss out on commenting on the Davis Cup, County Championship and Seve Trophy as much as I would have liked to. Instead, there are other, smaller, stories which I have concentrated on that may have skipped your attention. Watch out for a video which I guarentee will you have you laughing out loud. Lol was made for this video.
　
Asamoah Gyan - consumate politician　
　
"I'm really happy to be here. Al-Ain is an important club and this is a big challenge for me. There will be a lot of expectations on me, but not pressure.

"Everybody who has seen me in the World Cup and at Sunderland knows what I am capable of, but this is a new challenge for me as I'm a new player here.

"We have quality players in the club to win games and do well in the championships. We will try to build a winning team."

With bollocks like this maybe Gyan should follow fellow African George Weah into politics. After all, he is clearly a brilliant liar. Going to the UAE is not a challenge it's a way of life.
　
Sion want to arrest Platini
　
After being kicked out of the Europa League for fielding players who were not registed in a match against Celtic, Sion, instead of showing their gratitude for getting their Thursday nights back, decided to hit back at Uefa despite being warned beforehand what would happen. My favourite line was when it was suggested that Uefa President Michel Platini should be arrested. As impossible as that would be, they should be promised a spot in the Champions League if they were to pull it off. I mean, it's not as if Frenchman Platini would put up much resistance is there?

Be careful what you wish for Fernando

It's funny, before the Man U v. Chelsea match I had my bit for Fernando Torres written and ready. And then he scored, so in my mind I was thinking about changing it to something else. And then, he produced some nice skill to take the ball around David de Gea and I was preparing to scrap everything I had written about him. And then... well it can happen to the best of us (or even me). So after all that, I have kept exactly what I wrote about Torres from the start which is starting to look quite insightful right now, much more so than Gary Neville who said Stoke were great at defending (then conceded four against Sunderland of all teams) and said Nicolas Anelka would definitely start.

"When I changed club, I knew it was going to be a slow process, although I didn't expect it to be so long.

"Chelsea is, between the English teams, maybe the least English. That's because of the kind of player Chelsea has – an older player, who plays very slow, who has a lot of possession, and that's what the club is trying to change now.

"It's normal that it takes some time; it's not easy to find midfielders because the best are already in the best teams and that's why I said that the arrival of [Juan ] Mata is going to give another pace to the team.

"Daniel Sturridge, who has been ruled out for some matches, is also an incredible player, maybe the one that surprised me the most since I came here."

So Torres wants Mata and Sturridge to play in the Chelsea team. I assume in another week Didier Drogba will come straight back into the team as well and let's not forget Florent Malouda, Nicolas Anelka and Romelu Lukaku as well. So, where does that leave you in the team Fernando?
　　
Chelsea rip-off

Bayer Leverkusen gave their fans a €20 discount for their match against Chelsea because their tickets were took expensive. Says it all really. Then again, Forest charged £33 for the Derby match. No wonder the fans aren't happy.
　　
Italian Soccer Saturday

You think Phil Thompson is biased? Well you might want to think again after you watch this. Never have two goals been celebrated in such ridiculous fashion. I reckon if AC win the Champions League this guy will have a heart attack.

http://www.whoateallthepies.tv/champions_league/87176/tiziano-crudelis-heart-almost-explodes-watching-milan-vs-barcelona-video.html - funniest thing in the history of everything

Also, once I'd got back on Saturday I tuned in for the second half of Soccer Saturday with Jeff and the lads. As if I needed reminding about how brilliant the show is, Paul Merson was teased by Jeff for believing Stracqualursi had come on, but he couldn't pronounce his name. "He's got to have a nickname," bemoaned Merse. In fact, it was Valios who had come on.

Then, when Everton scored their second goal, he said the guy whose name he couldn't pronounce had scored. Then after describing the goal in detail he added, "Oh wait, it's Valios who scored." Cue widespread laughter in the studio. This was followed quickly after by a Wigan attack... "He's hit the beans on toast, I mean the crossbar. Come back to me in an hour."

Jeff then went to Chris Kamara. "Unbelievable Jeff," Kammy started. For those who were doing the drinking game, I hope you have now recovered. For me, it made Forest's defeat a bit easier to swallow.

A winner of a spinner just next door

England v. India:

Amit Mishra - 3 wickets at an average of 106.66
Harbhajan Singh - 2 wickets at an average of 143.5

Meanwhile, at Surrey, in four matches at the back-end of the season Pragyan Ohja took 24 wickets at an average of 12.95 as the Lions got promoted.
　
Nice to see the selectors are doing a good job. And India, thanks for coming.

Pink with envy

September 9 (three days before the match against Glamorgan): Kent director of cricket Paul Farbrace - "When Twenty20 started people said 'it's all a load of rubbish' and 'it's just pub cricket played by professionals'. Now it's the life blood of cricket and it's played all over the world.

"If in 10 years' time there is floodlit cricket played over four or five days and far more people are watching the game, we can look back and say we played a major part of that at Kent Cricket Club."

September 16 (1 day after losing by 8 wickets): Geraint Jones - "In terms of us playing county cricket with a pink ball, not in my lifetime I don't think.

"The balls made it a one-sided contest, heavily in favour of the batsmen.

"You couldn't play all year with a pink ball like that. It'd be the end of so many bowlers."

Farbace: "Let's go back to the red ball and white ball. I don't like it.

"The ball is the most important thing in cricket but it wasn't right. I'm not a fan of pink ball cricket."　

I'm sure it had nothing to do with the fact that they had lost the match. And as for the ball favouring batsman, how come Kent managed to lose 20 wickets if it was going to 'be the end of so many bowlers'?

Messi fantasy football

After watching Barcelona's 8-0 victory over Osasuna it made me think. How much would Lionel Messi cost on a La Liga fantasy football? Would you even be able to afford another player?
　
Rug of war

We are already two weeks through the World Cup, no side has played well (except Ireland) and we still have another fortnight until the group stages are over. Let's hope things pick up a bit in the near future.
　
In other news, the team I have decided to lend my support to, Tonga, lost 25-20 to Canada. Just as long as they beat France.
　
Flop(ianski) of the week

An impossible decision between Forest and Torres. I suppose anyone can do a Torres, but to be a goal up and a man up after five minutes and still lose to your biggest rivals at home takes some beating.
Also, Somerset deserve a mention for being runners-up in five competitions over the last season, winning none.

As for Arsenal's defending, I'm fed up of slagging them off. Their fans are suffering enough and I count myself as someone who wants to see them do well.

Hall of Lame

I suppose the last time I was this embarrassed by Forest was the infamous Barry Roche coffee cup incident. For those who are unaware http://www.bbc.co.uk/derby/rams/2004/forest/coffee_cup.shtml

Weekly contest: Tipster v. Tramp

Here are all the predictions which were still ongoing last week:

Who will win the US Open?

Tipster: Nadal
Tramp: Djokovic

Result: Djokovic

How many sets will Novak Djokovic lose in the entire two weeks at Flushing Meadows?

Tipster: 8
Tramp: 5

Result: 4

And the one we all want to know...

What will be the result of the Forest v. Derby match?

Tipster: 3-2 Derby
Tramp: 2-1 Forest

Result: 2-1 Derby

Which means, after dominating the tennis predictions the Tramp adds another two points to his/her/its total, but a good football prediction from the Tipster means the score is tighter than it could have been. At the moment, the Tramp leads 5-3, with two rugby predictions ongoing. It's early doors, but the Tipster is being made to look foolish already.

This week's predictions

Who will be top scorer for England in Friday's T20 match v. West Indies

Tipster: Bairstow
Tramp: Kieswetter

And the one we all want to know...

How many goals will Chelsea score against Swansea?

Tipster: 3
Tramp: 2


The week ahead
　
More controversy in New Zealand where the England rugby team are seen playing ten-pin bowling with dwarves being used as bowling balls. Mike Tindall is then caught in bed with Imogen Thomas.

Kenny Dalglish, Sir Alex Ferguson and Jose Mourinho start their own campaign to investigate supposed conspiracy theories to stop them from winning matches.

Forest go into half-time of their match against Newcastle on Tuesday 3-0 up with their opponents down to 8 men. And the full-time result is... Forest 4-1 Newcastle. Ok, even they aren't bad enough to lose from there.

Quotes of the week

Cristiano Ronaldo - "I think that because I am rich, handsome and a great player people are envious of me." Tell me about it mate.

Arsene Wenger - "We conceded four fewer goals than our last away match in the league. That must be seen as an improvement." Ok, I couldn't resist one dig.

Harry Redknapp - "Absolutely t'riffic. Scotty Parker is the new Zidane and Luka should be playing for Barcelona."

And on that bombshell...

http://t.co/aMrOEUTo - Great quote at the end, but not from Mayweather.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KLebOIDBGeA - Quality disallowed goal

http://t.co/whFD6YZS - Divine intervention? Umm no

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/cricket/14895636.stm - the new Geoffrey Boycott?