It's always a sad day when the regular season ends, leaving us with a shortage of football for the summer, but don't worry, before my two week break for exams sporting underachiever will go out with a bang and get you all excited about a summer of cricket, tennis and golf. And to cheer you up during this double-whammy of exams and an end to the football season (or in my case triple with the play-offs as well), we will hand out some end of season awards and pick a flop team of the year. It's all about Fernando!
Awards
Here are the Lamy awards for the past season, most of which I just made up now. If you can think of any others then feel free to comment either here or on facebook.
The Ross and Rachel award goes to Carlos Tevez. Will he leave City or will he not? Will he get on the plane to Spain then realise he loves Mancini and rush off? Whatever.
The Durex award for the worst protection known to man goes to the West Ham defence, although notable mentions should go to Arsenal and Blackpool. Leaky.
The Temuri Ketsbaia award for worst celebration of a goal goes to Wayne Rooney for swearing into the camera after scoring against West Ham. Banned.
If you don't know who Ketsbaia is, then look at this. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JlqCCDh9XT0
The Harold Camping award for worst prophecy goes to Liverpool. Next year will not be your year. Fact.
The Real Madrid award for losing ingraciously goes to Arsene Wenger. Sometimes it isn't the referee's fault if Eboue decides to push somebody in the back in the 101st minute. Pathetic.
The Katie Price award for getting around goes to Roy Hodgson who knows how to go from one club to another pretty seamlessly, whether in Scandinavia, Italy or England. Nomad.
The Pampers award for best impression of a toddler goes to Mario Balotelli for his attempt to put on a bib. Priceless.
The Cure for Insomnia award goes to Avram Grant. Need I say more? Insipid.
The Take That award for best comeback part I goes to Newcastle United. From 4-0 down to equalising with Tiote's brilliant strike, it was amazing to watch. Bouncebackability.
The Take That award for best comeback part II goes to Tottenham for coming back from 2-0 down to win 3-2 at the Emirates. Ridiculous.
The Chinese Whispers award for the worst kept secret goes to Ryan Giggs. Injunction.
The Rory McIlroy award for bottling it goes to the FA. Firstly they refuse to dock QPR points when they are found guilty, then they don't back another candidate to be Fifa President when they had the chance to take a stand. Spineless.
The Rafa Benitez award for best rant goes to Ian Holloway. Legend. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6PacW2fJV0&feature=related
The Germaine Greer award for promoting feminism is split between Andy Gray and Richard Keys. Banter.
The Phil Taylor award goes to Mario Balotelli for throwing a dart at a youth-team player. Bullseye.
The Sylvester Stallone award for best Rambo impression goes to Ashley Cole for shooting a work experience student at Chelsea with a rifle. Deadly.
The Dancing On Ice award goes to Ray Wilkins. Stay on your feet.
The Robbie Savage award for being one-dimensional and proud goes to Karl Henry. Foul.
The Atlas award for having the world on his shoulders goes to Scott Parker. Herculean.
The Nottingham Forest award for a fall from grace goes to Birmingham, who went from Carling Cup winners to being relegated. Fall.
The Lord Sugar wannabee award goes to Roman Abramovic for his sacking of Carlo Ancelotti. You're fired.
The Alfonso Alves award for being a complete waste of space goes to Fernando Torres. Drought.
Top 3 worst managers this season
1. Avram Grant
2. Arsene Wenger - spend some money already
3. Alex McLeish - should never have got relegated with his squad
Top 3 managers this season
1. Roy Hodgson - tried to relegate Liverpool then saved West Brom
2. Ian Holloway - for entertaining us so richly all season
3. Sir Alex Ferguson
Top 3 worst performances this season (I'm sure there are worse but I can't think of them)
1. Wigan v. Blackpool: lost 4-0
2. Birmingham v. Fulham: lost 2-0
3. Liverpool v. Wolves: lost 1-0
Flop XI (4-4-2)
Gomes; G. Neville, Squillaci, Upson, Bridge; Keane, Poulsen, Mikel, J. Cole,
Torres, Dzeko
Away from football, there has been a lot of sporting entertainment and there is plenty more to look forward to. The World Matchplay Golf has been going on, which was won by Ian Poulter. It might be galling for him that he has shown a Man United-esque ability to win matches late on, as he is an Arsenal fan, but he has done well to come back from 2 down in the quarter and semi finals, before overcoming Luke Donald in the final after being behind three times. It's a weird feeling, seeing two Englishmen in a final, or winning anything. It's a shame Tiger Woods wasn't caught cheating earlier, then we might have won a major. Bring on the Open.
The French Open kicks off today, but they might as well skip the two weeks and play the final now. Unless Andy Murray can convert a good performance into a big win, which he threatens to do but rarely pulls off, then it's going to be a Nadal-Djokovic final. After the drama of Survival Sunday, a final of that proportions promised to be just as epic. We should be thankful that we are able to enjoy such incredible sporting occasions every week.
If all that wasn't enough, the first Test Match of the summer begins on Thursday. There might not be any Muralitharan or Mendis on show, but we get to see if England can continue their great performance from the winter and try and become the best team in the world. Eoin Morgan will bat at number 6, but he was lucky that in the England Lions game against Sri Lanka he was allowed to come in at number 5 and his biggest competitor Ravi Bopara came in at 3. Hardly a fair contest. It's almost as if the selectors wanted Morgan ahead of Bopara...
Flop(ianski) of the week
Two more teams went down this week, but it would be unfair to criticise Blackpool after they spent so little money and entertained us so much. Instead, this week's flops are Birmingham City, who have played boring football and deserve to go down. They won the Carling Cup after the collapses of West Ham and Arsenal, but were still unable to use that momentum to stay up. I look forward to seeing Forest play there next season, although I expect the Blues to bounce straight back up.
Second place goes to Roman Abramovich. It's ridiculous to sack your manager every time he doesn't win a trophy. I mean, what would Arsenal do in that case?
Hall of Lame
Watching Survival Sunday made me remember the last time so many teams still had a chance of being relegated. In 2005, Norwich went into their final fixture knowing a win at Fulham would see them survive, but in the end they lost 6-0. They will have a chance next season to make up for their loss.
The weeks ahead
Messi gives Barcelona the lead by skilling half the United team, but a 90th minute Hernandez header from a corner levels the scores. Then, in stoppage time, a Giggs corner, a Vidic flick-on and an Owen header. The crowd goes mental! But the referee has blown his whistle as Busquets is on the floor rolling around and a free-kick is given. Barcelona then win on penalties after the referee runs up when Van der Sar isn't looking and scores for them.
Swansea score late on against Reading and start a pitch invasion. Then, in the 97th minute, Shane Long equalises and Reading go on to win in extra time. After the match, the big screen shows a replay of the Swansea celebrations to the supporters who are leaving the stadium.
Carlos Tevez announces he is going to stay at City. Then he goes on Argentinian radio and says he is going to leave. Then he tells an Italian station he hasn't decided yet. Then Mario Balotelli throws a dart at him.
The Nadal-Djokovic final goes ahead and the Spaniard is cruising two sets up against the Serb who has hurt his ankle and can barely walk. However, Djokovic turns on the style and wins the last 3 sets in under 2 hours before sommersaulting over the net just to prove that he is not human.
The Test Match is too close to call, but I'm backing Gary Pratt to run-out Jayawardene and Sangakkara on the 5th day to hand England victory.
The season in quotes
Sir Alex Ferguson: nothing
Arsene Wenger: "I feel our young players will have another year of experience and next season our spirit will see us win the Premier League."
Harry Redknapp: "United have been t'riffic, absolutely outstanding. They're a top, top side and they deserve everything they get."
Jose Mourinho: "There's no point playing next season, because a Fifa, Uefa and UN conspiracy will give Barcelona the title, Champions League and Nobel Peace Prize."
Neil Warnock: "I look like Mrs Doubtfire and an anagram of my name is Colin Wanker."
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