It's always a sad day when the regular season ends, leaving us with a shortage of football for the summer, but don't worry, before my two week break for exams sporting underachiever will go out with a bang and get you all excited about a summer of cricket, tennis and golf. And to cheer you up during this double-whammy of exams and an end to the football season (or in my case triple with the play-offs as well), we will hand out some end of season awards and pick a flop team of the year. It's all about Fernando!
Awards
Here are the Lamy awards for the past season, most of which I just made up now. If you can think of any others then feel free to comment either here or on facebook.
The Ross and Rachel award goes to Carlos Tevez. Will he leave City or will he not? Will he get on the plane to Spain then realise he loves Mancini and rush off? Whatever.
The Durex award for the worst protection known to man goes to the West Ham defence, although notable mentions should go to Arsenal and Blackpool. Leaky.
The Temuri Ketsbaia award for worst celebration of a goal goes to Wayne Rooney for swearing into the camera after scoring against West Ham. Banned.
If you don't know who Ketsbaia is, then look at this. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JlqCCDh9XT0
The Harold Camping award for worst prophecy goes to Liverpool. Next year will not be your year. Fact.
The Real Madrid award for losing ingraciously goes to Arsene Wenger. Sometimes it isn't the referee's fault if Eboue decides to push somebody in the back in the 101st minute. Pathetic.
The Katie Price award for getting around goes to Roy Hodgson who knows how to go from one club to another pretty seamlessly, whether in Scandinavia, Italy or England. Nomad.
The Pampers award for best impression of a toddler goes to Mario Balotelli for his attempt to put on a bib. Priceless.
The Cure for Insomnia award goes to Avram Grant. Need I say more? Insipid.
The Take That award for best comeback part I goes to Newcastle United. From 4-0 down to equalising with Tiote's brilliant strike, it was amazing to watch. Bouncebackability.
The Take That award for best comeback part II goes to Tottenham for coming back from 2-0 down to win 3-2 at the Emirates. Ridiculous.
The Chinese Whispers award for the worst kept secret goes to Ryan Giggs. Injunction.
The Rory McIlroy award for bottling it goes to the FA. Firstly they refuse to dock QPR points when they are found guilty, then they don't back another candidate to be Fifa President when they had the chance to take a stand. Spineless.
The Rafa Benitez award for best rant goes to Ian Holloway. Legend. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6PacW2fJV0&feature=related
The Germaine Greer award for promoting feminism is split between Andy Gray and Richard Keys. Banter.
The Phil Taylor award goes to Mario Balotelli for throwing a dart at a youth-team player. Bullseye.
The Sylvester Stallone award for best Rambo impression goes to Ashley Cole for shooting a work experience student at Chelsea with a rifle. Deadly.
The Dancing On Ice award goes to Ray Wilkins. Stay on your feet.
The Robbie Savage award for being one-dimensional and proud goes to Karl Henry. Foul.
The Atlas award for having the world on his shoulders goes to Scott Parker. Herculean.
The Nottingham Forest award for a fall from grace goes to Birmingham, who went from Carling Cup winners to being relegated. Fall.
The Lord Sugar wannabee award goes to Roman Abramovic for his sacking of Carlo Ancelotti. You're fired.
The Alfonso Alves award for being a complete waste of space goes to Fernando Torres. Drought.
Top 3 worst managers this season
1. Avram Grant
2. Arsene Wenger - spend some money already
3. Alex McLeish - should never have got relegated with his squad
Top 3 managers this season
1. Roy Hodgson - tried to relegate Liverpool then saved West Brom
2. Ian Holloway - for entertaining us so richly all season
3. Sir Alex Ferguson
Top 3 worst performances this season (I'm sure there are worse but I can't think of them)
1. Wigan v. Blackpool: lost 4-0
2. Birmingham v. Fulham: lost 2-0
3. Liverpool v. Wolves: lost 1-0
Flop XI (4-4-2)
Gomes; G. Neville, Squillaci, Upson, Bridge; Keane, Poulsen, Mikel, J. Cole,
Torres, Dzeko
Away from football, there has been a lot of sporting entertainment and there is plenty more to look forward to. The World Matchplay Golf has been going on, which was won by Ian Poulter. It might be galling for him that he has shown a Man United-esque ability to win matches late on, as he is an Arsenal fan, but he has done well to come back from 2 down in the quarter and semi finals, before overcoming Luke Donald in the final after being behind three times. It's a weird feeling, seeing two Englishmen in a final, or winning anything. It's a shame Tiger Woods wasn't caught cheating earlier, then we might have won a major. Bring on the Open.
The French Open kicks off today, but they might as well skip the two weeks and play the final now. Unless Andy Murray can convert a good performance into a big win, which he threatens to do but rarely pulls off, then it's going to be a Nadal-Djokovic final. After the drama of Survival Sunday, a final of that proportions promised to be just as epic. We should be thankful that we are able to enjoy such incredible sporting occasions every week.
If all that wasn't enough, the first Test Match of the summer begins on Thursday. There might not be any Muralitharan or Mendis on show, but we get to see if England can continue their great performance from the winter and try and become the best team in the world. Eoin Morgan will bat at number 6, but he was lucky that in the England Lions game against Sri Lanka he was allowed to come in at number 5 and his biggest competitor Ravi Bopara came in at 3. Hardly a fair contest. It's almost as if the selectors wanted Morgan ahead of Bopara...
Flop(ianski) of the week
Two more teams went down this week, but it would be unfair to criticise Blackpool after they spent so little money and entertained us so much. Instead, this week's flops are Birmingham City, who have played boring football and deserve to go down. They won the Carling Cup after the collapses of West Ham and Arsenal, but were still unable to use that momentum to stay up. I look forward to seeing Forest play there next season, although I expect the Blues to bounce straight back up.
Second place goes to Roman Abramovich. It's ridiculous to sack your manager every time he doesn't win a trophy. I mean, what would Arsenal do in that case?
Hall of Lame
Watching Survival Sunday made me remember the last time so many teams still had a chance of being relegated. In 2005, Norwich went into their final fixture knowing a win at Fulham would see them survive, but in the end they lost 6-0. They will have a chance next season to make up for their loss.
The weeks ahead
Messi gives Barcelona the lead by skilling half the United team, but a 90th minute Hernandez header from a corner levels the scores. Then, in stoppage time, a Giggs corner, a Vidic flick-on and an Owen header. The crowd goes mental! But the referee has blown his whistle as Busquets is on the floor rolling around and a free-kick is given. Barcelona then win on penalties after the referee runs up when Van der Sar isn't looking and scores for them.
Swansea score late on against Reading and start a pitch invasion. Then, in the 97th minute, Shane Long equalises and Reading go on to win in extra time. After the match, the big screen shows a replay of the Swansea celebrations to the supporters who are leaving the stadium.
Carlos Tevez announces he is going to stay at City. Then he goes on Argentinian radio and says he is going to leave. Then he tells an Italian station he hasn't decided yet. Then Mario Balotelli throws a dart at him.
The Nadal-Djokovic final goes ahead and the Spaniard is cruising two sets up against the Serb who has hurt his ankle and can barely walk. However, Djokovic turns on the style and wins the last 3 sets in under 2 hours before sommersaulting over the net just to prove that he is not human.
The Test Match is too close to call, but I'm backing Gary Pratt to run-out Jayawardene and Sangakkara on the 5th day to hand England victory.
The season in quotes
Sir Alex Ferguson: nothing
Arsene Wenger: "I feel our young players will have another year of experience and next season our spirit will see us win the Premier League."
Harry Redknapp: "United have been t'riffic, absolutely outstanding. They're a top, top side and they deserve everything they get."
Jose Mourinho: "There's no point playing next season, because a Fifa, Uefa and UN conspiracy will give Barcelona the title, Champions League and Nobel Peace Prize."
Neil Warnock: "I look like Mrs Doubtfire and an anagram of my name is Colin Wanker."
Sunday 22 May 2011
Sunday 15 May 2011
Avram Grant: Millwall legend
With just two blogs to go before I take a break for exams, it's time to reflect on a week where the top and bottom places of the Premier League were decided, the play-offs began and Djokovic won... again. My last blog before a two week break will be next Monday because of the number of Premier League fixtures on the Sunday, but I might include a few awards and season highlights...
The past week
With all the inevitability of an Australian batting collapse, Manchester United managed to find the goal they needed to lift the Premier League trophy. Although Hernandez was fouled in the box (what was Paul Robinson doing?!) there was little doubt that the penalty would be given, even with all the consultation between referee and linesman. You can just imagine the conversation going on between the two:
Ref: What do you think?
Lino: Why are you asking me? I'm a linesman we never give decisions
Ref: If only we had someone behind the goal, then it would be so much easier
Lino: As we are both not sure, I don't think we can give a penalty
Ref: You're right. (Looks at Ferguson then points to the spot).
The only problem with giving the penalty was that it meant Rooney got to score the goal which sealed the record breaking title. Ever the opportunitist, he decided to shave the number 19 on to his chest just to prove that he actually loves the club and never really wanted to leave (after being given a wage increase).
It must have been a great night for the owners of Manchester's bars and clubs as City won the FA Cup on the same day, courtesy of another Yaya winner. What was surprising was to see Balotelli get man of the match. I have been converted by the Italian and am now a self-confessed fan just because of his ridiculous antics.
Here are some of the antics he has gotten up to (with a little help from FourFourTwo):
He is rumoured to have spent £1,500 on fireworks on joining City and set them off from his flat, before getting cautioned by the police.
He dumped his girlfriend Melissa Castagnoli (wow!) by text message on TV. The text read - "I'm back to make you change, but never mind, you are sunk." Having looked at photos of her on Google, I am stunned anyone would ever dump her. Ever.
He threw a dart at a youth-team player from a first-floor window because he was bored.
He took on several bouncers after being removed from a strip club, so one of them smashed his Maserati.
He apparently won £25,000 in a casino and gave £1,000 to a homeless man.
It is alleged he racked up £10,000 worth of parking fines already, although he disputes this figure.
If Manchester is celebrating, then London is definitely a place of mourning. Arsenal and Chelsea have both missed out on the Premier League and now West Ham have been relegated. Avram Grant being sacked afterwards was as inevitable as a Novak Djokovic win, but he can have no complaints. A team with the striking options of Cole, Ba, Piquionnem Keane and Sears should not come bottom, not to mention Scott Parker, my player of the season. Hammers fans can now look forward to blowing bubbles in the Championship, alongside Forest.
Ah the play-offs, the football equivalent of 90 minute exams, except with a lot more nerves and sleepless nights. Having paid in the region of £40 to go to Nottingham and watch the match on Thursday night, I was treated to watching Forest be outplayed for half the match by a team with 10 men, then I had to watch us not being given a pretty clear penalty. Fortunately, I can now watch the inevitable second-leg capitulation at Gunnies tomorrow evening, so it's not far to walk back to my flat and I can down my sorrows pretty easily if I need to. And in case you think I am being optimistic, here are some statistics:
Swansea home record: played 23, won 15, drew 5, lost 3. Scored 41, conceded 11 = most home wins, most home points and fewest goals conceded at home.
Forest away record: played 23, won 7, drew 7, lost 9. Scored 26, conceded 28 = shoot me now
Flop(ianski) of the week
I know I mentioned Sepp Blatter last week, but this week it has to be Mohamed Bin Haman, the man Blatter will beat in the Fifa elections next month. The man who is supposedly going to reform the most corrupt sporting body in the world (or so I assume) had the man who supposedly fixed the Qatar bid working for him for six years. Anyone who thinks there is a shed of decency left at Fifa is mistaken naive, but it is worrying that Haman is actually seen as a reformer. I suppose it says everything about Sepp 'women should wear skimpier skirts' Blatter. Actually, maybe he isn't that bad after all...
Hall of lame
For the next two weeks it is only right that I talk about the play-offs and where better to start than the most embarrassing capitulation ever, including Arsenal's match at Newcastle earlier this season. It might have been four seasons ago, but the wounds from Forest's capitulation at home to Yeovil still run deep. Having won the away leg 2-0, we contrived to lose at home 5-2 after extra time in a match which should have an 18 rating, it was that horrific. However, we had the last laugh as they didn't win at Wembley and we bought their best two players and went up automatically next season.
The week ahead
Wigan scrape a last ditch draw at Stoke and start a pitch invasion, but then news come through that Birmingham have won at White Hart Lane to relegate them. In the mayhem, nobody realises that Charlie Adam has scored a 30 yard free-kick to secure a 4-0 victory for Blackpool against Manchester United. The home side played their under 15 team, but the Premier League don't fine them for fielding a weakened side.
Forest come from 2-0 down to win 3-2 at the Liberty Stadium courtesy of a Dele (L)Adebola last minute winner. If only.
Dramatic news comes out of Fifa headquarters. It turns out Sepp Blatter has had a sex-change. Well, as it's Fifa you'd believe anything.
Quotes of the week (some are real)
Balotelli - "All my season was shit"
Avram Grant - "I am a good manager, honest."
Arsene Wenger - "I feel the team is mentally strong."
Newcastle fans - "I wanna go home, I wanna go home. Chelsea's a sh**-hole, I wanna go home." Yes, that's Newcastle fans calling Chelsea a sh**-hole. I didn't realise Geordies did irony.
The past week
With all the inevitability of an Australian batting collapse, Manchester United managed to find the goal they needed to lift the Premier League trophy. Although Hernandez was fouled in the box (what was Paul Robinson doing?!) there was little doubt that the penalty would be given, even with all the consultation between referee and linesman. You can just imagine the conversation going on between the two:
Ref: What do you think?
Lino: Why are you asking me? I'm a linesman we never give decisions
Ref: If only we had someone behind the goal, then it would be so much easier
Lino: As we are both not sure, I don't think we can give a penalty
Ref: You're right. (Looks at Ferguson then points to the spot).
The only problem with giving the penalty was that it meant Rooney got to score the goal which sealed the record breaking title. Ever the opportunitist, he decided to shave the number 19 on to his chest just to prove that he actually loves the club and never really wanted to leave (after being given a wage increase).
It must have been a great night for the owners of Manchester's bars and clubs as City won the FA Cup on the same day, courtesy of another Yaya winner. What was surprising was to see Balotelli get man of the match. I have been converted by the Italian and am now a self-confessed fan just because of his ridiculous antics.
Here are some of the antics he has gotten up to (with a little help from FourFourTwo):
He is rumoured to have spent £1,500 on fireworks on joining City and set them off from his flat, before getting cautioned by the police.
He dumped his girlfriend Melissa Castagnoli (wow!) by text message on TV. The text read - "I'm back to make you change, but never mind, you are sunk." Having looked at photos of her on Google, I am stunned anyone would ever dump her. Ever.
He threw a dart at a youth-team player from a first-floor window because he was bored.
He took on several bouncers after being removed from a strip club, so one of them smashed his Maserati.
He apparently won £25,000 in a casino and gave £1,000 to a homeless man.
It is alleged he racked up £10,000 worth of parking fines already, although he disputes this figure.
If Manchester is celebrating, then London is definitely a place of mourning. Arsenal and Chelsea have both missed out on the Premier League and now West Ham have been relegated. Avram Grant being sacked afterwards was as inevitable as a Novak Djokovic win, but he can have no complaints. A team with the striking options of Cole, Ba, Piquionnem Keane and Sears should not come bottom, not to mention Scott Parker, my player of the season. Hammers fans can now look forward to blowing bubbles in the Championship, alongside Forest.
Ah the play-offs, the football equivalent of 90 minute exams, except with a lot more nerves and sleepless nights. Having paid in the region of £40 to go to Nottingham and watch the match on Thursday night, I was treated to watching Forest be outplayed for half the match by a team with 10 men, then I had to watch us not being given a pretty clear penalty. Fortunately, I can now watch the inevitable second-leg capitulation at Gunnies tomorrow evening, so it's not far to walk back to my flat and I can down my sorrows pretty easily if I need to. And in case you think I am being optimistic, here are some statistics:
Swansea home record: played 23, won 15, drew 5, lost 3. Scored 41, conceded 11 = most home wins, most home points and fewest goals conceded at home.
Forest away record: played 23, won 7, drew 7, lost 9. Scored 26, conceded 28 = shoot me now
Flop(ianski) of the week
I know I mentioned Sepp Blatter last week, but this week it has to be Mohamed Bin Haman, the man Blatter will beat in the Fifa elections next month. The man who is supposedly going to reform the most corrupt sporting body in the world (or so I assume) had the man who supposedly fixed the Qatar bid working for him for six years. Anyone who thinks there is a shed of decency left at Fifa is mistaken naive, but it is worrying that Haman is actually seen as a reformer. I suppose it says everything about Sepp 'women should wear skimpier skirts' Blatter. Actually, maybe he isn't that bad after all...
Hall of lame
For the next two weeks it is only right that I talk about the play-offs and where better to start than the most embarrassing capitulation ever, including Arsenal's match at Newcastle earlier this season. It might have been four seasons ago, but the wounds from Forest's capitulation at home to Yeovil still run deep. Having won the away leg 2-0, we contrived to lose at home 5-2 after extra time in a match which should have an 18 rating, it was that horrific. However, we had the last laugh as they didn't win at Wembley and we bought their best two players and went up automatically next season.
The week ahead
Wigan scrape a last ditch draw at Stoke and start a pitch invasion, but then news come through that Birmingham have won at White Hart Lane to relegate them. In the mayhem, nobody realises that Charlie Adam has scored a 30 yard free-kick to secure a 4-0 victory for Blackpool against Manchester United. The home side played their under 15 team, but the Premier League don't fine them for fielding a weakened side.
Forest come from 2-0 down to win 3-2 at the Liberty Stadium courtesy of a Dele (L)Adebola last minute winner. If only.
Dramatic news comes out of Fifa headquarters. It turns out Sepp Blatter has had a sex-change. Well, as it's Fifa you'd believe anything.
Quotes of the week (some are real)
Balotelli - "All my season was shit"
Avram Grant - "I am a good manager, honest."
Arsene Wenger - "I feel the team is mentally strong."
Newcastle fans - "I wanna go home, I wanna go home. Chelsea's a sh**-hole, I wanna go home." Yes, that's Newcastle fans calling Chelsea a sh**-hole. I didn't realise Geordies did irony.
Sunday 8 May 2011
The good, the bad and the standard
Welcome to another issue of the blog which, like Arsenal, is easy on the eye but always flatters to deceive, which builds up like the Chelsea midfield but finishes like Torres and which goes along steadily, before ending in ruins like a Forest play-off campaign.
The past week
It's been a sad week for sport and it's only right that we pay tribute to the great Seve Ballesteros. Here was a man who was loved by all and like with Sir Bobby Robson, was a person who no-one has ever had a bad word for. Hopefully the likes of Tiger Woods can see that it's possible to win and be loved.
As expected, the Champions League will be contested by United and Barcelona, although fans of Mourinho can certainly point out that Madrid got a number of poor decisions over the two legs. It is certainly a shame to see one side profit over the other from dodgy referees, except when the manager is Mourinho. He should look at how Crawley Town played at Old Trafford when they were massive underdogs to see that playing attacking football is more important than spending lots of money, winning ugly then moving on to another "project". Top marks this week go to Mascherano for managing to con referee Wolfgang Stark into ruling out Higuain's goal. A masterful performance.
Speaking of Crawley Town, they put in a much better performance than Schalke managed. Even Darron Gibson, who left Twitter after being abused by fans, managed to look good. Remember, Twitter is the home of Piers Morgan and Gary Neville, so the abuse must have been seriously bad for Gibson to decide to quit.
Kop-out of the week came from the FA, who waited until the last day of the Championship season to decide on the fate of QPR, before finding them guilty on two counts, then slapping them with a pathetic fine. For a club owned by Ecclestone, Briatore and Mittal, £875,000 is loose change, but clubs like Luton and Plymouth who go into administration are immediately docked 10 points. No comment by Neil Warnock on whether that is fair or not. Still, at least I get to now suffer the play-offs which won't be finished for another 3 weeks. If Forest do make it to the Premier League, I don't think I'll be in any state to celebrate, although getting past Swansea is going to take some doing.
It has been a relatively standard week of sport for many reasons: United won a big match, Arsenal lost to a tall team, Vettel won the F1 and Djokovic won the tennis. Cricket has been the exception, with England pioneering the three-way captaincy. The message they have sent is Strauss will no longer play one-day cricket, Collingwood will soon be left to play for Durham and Pietersen will never, ever, ever, ever be captain again. Then again what's we said about Terry.
Flop(ianski) of the week
The FA were my original choice, but the Chelsea back four have done enough today to change my mind. David Luiz's English is clearly good enough, as even amateur lip-readers could understand him tell Ancelotti that Hernandez's goal wasn't his fault. Quite what Ancelotti is thinking after spending so long talking about tactics and preparing a team-talk, only to see his side 1-0 down after 36 seconds, is anyone's guess.
Luiz wasn't the only defender to struggle. Ivanovich tried his best to get himself sent-off and I took immense satisfaction in seeing Valencia side-step Cashley Cole before sending in a cross which should have earned his side a penalty.
Hall of Lame
Watching Chelsea concede the title reminded me of a more famous capitulation, that of Liverpool against Arsenal in 1989. It was the ultimate title decider, Arsenal needing to win at Anfield by two goals to win the trophy. If you are an Arsenal, Everton or United supporter, or you just hate Liverpool, then this is the video for you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4jiBIdtUKhs
The week ahead
The build up to the FA Cup final will start now. Yes, that's right, it's on Saturday. City go in as favourites, but after seeing Birmingham pull off an upset in the Carling Cup, the stage is set for a Stoke victory. Stoke won't score from a Delap throw-in, because Balotelli will take off his shoe and throw it at him and will park his Ferrari illegally in the penalty area before racking up a huge fine, so the Potters will be forced to play a patient, passing game which is easy on the eye. However, that won't work, so Kenwyne Jones will score a last minute header from a corner after muscling Yaya Toure out of the way. Tony Pulis will head climb the stairs with his baseball cap on and accept the trophy, before giving it to Delap who hurls it in to the net.
Play-off predictions: Forest 1-1 Swansea, Cardiff 2-3 Reading
Djokovic wins the Rome Masters. Standard.
Quotes of the week
Jose Mourinho - nothing
Sir Alex Ferguson - "I urge the Chelsea board not to sack Carlo Ancelotti. I further urge them to start Torres up-front, to sell Drogba and play Mikel in every match."
Arsene Wenger - "The title is still ours to win."
Avram Grant - "We will not go down, we have Robbie Keane to score the goals for us."
Mick McCarthy - "I hope we batter Sunderland and I hope we get awarded lots of penalties and I hope our fans abuse their players and the ref and their chairman..."
The past week
It's been a sad week for sport and it's only right that we pay tribute to the great Seve Ballesteros. Here was a man who was loved by all and like with Sir Bobby Robson, was a person who no-one has ever had a bad word for. Hopefully the likes of Tiger Woods can see that it's possible to win and be loved.
As expected, the Champions League will be contested by United and Barcelona, although fans of Mourinho can certainly point out that Madrid got a number of poor decisions over the two legs. It is certainly a shame to see one side profit over the other from dodgy referees, except when the manager is Mourinho. He should look at how Crawley Town played at Old Trafford when they were massive underdogs to see that playing attacking football is more important than spending lots of money, winning ugly then moving on to another "project". Top marks this week go to Mascherano for managing to con referee Wolfgang Stark into ruling out Higuain's goal. A masterful performance.
Speaking of Crawley Town, they put in a much better performance than Schalke managed. Even Darron Gibson, who left Twitter after being abused by fans, managed to look good. Remember, Twitter is the home of Piers Morgan and Gary Neville, so the abuse must have been seriously bad for Gibson to decide to quit.
Kop-out of the week came from the FA, who waited until the last day of the Championship season to decide on the fate of QPR, before finding them guilty on two counts, then slapping them with a pathetic fine. For a club owned by Ecclestone, Briatore and Mittal, £875,000 is loose change, but clubs like Luton and Plymouth who go into administration are immediately docked 10 points. No comment by Neil Warnock on whether that is fair or not. Still, at least I get to now suffer the play-offs which won't be finished for another 3 weeks. If Forest do make it to the Premier League, I don't think I'll be in any state to celebrate, although getting past Swansea is going to take some doing.
It has been a relatively standard week of sport for many reasons: United won a big match, Arsenal lost to a tall team, Vettel won the F1 and Djokovic won the tennis. Cricket has been the exception, with England pioneering the three-way captaincy. The message they have sent is Strauss will no longer play one-day cricket, Collingwood will soon be left to play for Durham and Pietersen will never, ever, ever, ever be captain again. Then again what's we said about Terry.
Flop(ianski) of the week
The FA were my original choice, but the Chelsea back four have done enough today to change my mind. David Luiz's English is clearly good enough, as even amateur lip-readers could understand him tell Ancelotti that Hernandez's goal wasn't his fault. Quite what Ancelotti is thinking after spending so long talking about tactics and preparing a team-talk, only to see his side 1-0 down after 36 seconds, is anyone's guess.
Luiz wasn't the only defender to struggle. Ivanovich tried his best to get himself sent-off and I took immense satisfaction in seeing Valencia side-step Cashley Cole before sending in a cross which should have earned his side a penalty.
Hall of Lame
Watching Chelsea concede the title reminded me of a more famous capitulation, that of Liverpool against Arsenal in 1989. It was the ultimate title decider, Arsenal needing to win at Anfield by two goals to win the trophy. If you are an Arsenal, Everton or United supporter, or you just hate Liverpool, then this is the video for you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4jiBIdtUKhs
The week ahead
The build up to the FA Cup final will start now. Yes, that's right, it's on Saturday. City go in as favourites, but after seeing Birmingham pull off an upset in the Carling Cup, the stage is set for a Stoke victory. Stoke won't score from a Delap throw-in, because Balotelli will take off his shoe and throw it at him and will park his Ferrari illegally in the penalty area before racking up a huge fine, so the Potters will be forced to play a patient, passing game which is easy on the eye. However, that won't work, so Kenwyne Jones will score a last minute header from a corner after muscling Yaya Toure out of the way. Tony Pulis will head climb the stairs with his baseball cap on and accept the trophy, before giving it to Delap who hurls it in to the net.
Play-off predictions: Forest 1-1 Swansea, Cardiff 2-3 Reading
Djokovic wins the Rome Masters. Standard.
Quotes of the week
Jose Mourinho - nothing
Sir Alex Ferguson - "I urge the Chelsea board not to sack Carlo Ancelotti. I further urge them to start Torres up-front, to sell Drogba and play Mikel in every match."
Arsene Wenger - "The title is still ours to win."
Avram Grant - "We will not go down, we have Robbie Keane to score the goals for us."
Mick McCarthy - "I hope we batter Sunderland and I hope we get awarded lots of penalties and I hope our fans abuse their players and the ref and their chairman..."
Sunday 1 May 2011
And the Oscar goes to...
It's been another controversial week, with the 'enemy of football' Jose Mourinho living up to his nickname as he tried to ruin another great sporting ocassion. This week has also seen more controversy with goalline decisions and changes at the top of the golf rankings. Let the Fifa see the conspiracy.
The past week
The people who run the Oscars had to phone up Colin Firth and ask that he give his award to somebody more deserving. There were many candidates for best actor and here are the nominations:
Dani Alves after the challenge which saw Pepe sent off - 7/10
Verdict: A solid effort from Alves, which was backed up well by the rest of his team to get Pepe off
Sergio Busquets - 9/10
Verdict: Has been demoted from the number one spot, but was on top form again this week. Has previous with Mourinho after last season against Inter.
Pedro - 9.5/10
Verdict: An inspired effort from the winger, who managed to get Sergio Ramos booked by clutching his face after brushing his shoulder. Completly fooled the ref.
Highly commended:
Angel di Maria - another complete performance
Ronaldo - less rolling around, but he made up for it with his petulance towards Mourinho
But there can only be one winner...
And it can only be the Special One. Only Mourinho could take all the headlines after that wonder goal by Messi. It was almost as if he enjoyed being locked away from his dugout, as it was far more dramatic. Wonderful theatrics from Jose, backed up by his post-match comments. 10/10
Maybe the ref was just bored of watching Pepe ruin the game, but for whatever reason he sent him off, we should thank him for allowing Messi to score that second goal.
It's been a bad week for Madrid, who lost 3-2 at home to Zaragoza yesterday (and had another red card), but it has been equally bad for Spurs. Not only did they have to suffer from a Simon Cox wonder-goal (or as Harry Redknapp called it, 'a worldy') but then they had to play against 13 men at Stamford Bridge. Why we have no goalline technology is beyond me. Sepp 'reform' Blatter is the person standing in the way of the most obvious reform since allowing the use of substitutes, but unless the technology is 100% fullproof, gives decisions instantaneously, can serve coffee, predict the lottery and prevent global warming, then he isn't interested. And even then he would probably sell it to Russia and Qatar first.
Congratulations to Lee Westwood who has taken his place at the top of the world rankings of golf's merry-go round. His elevation to the top of his sport whilst being an average putter is like Juan Veron playing for United and Chelsea despite having no left foot, or Emile Heskey playing 62 times for England despite having no feet. However, watching Westwood with a wood in his hand is one of golf's greatest pleasures and I''m sure Westwood finds it very enjoyable as well!
Flop(ianski) of the week
Anyway, moving on from shocking innuedo, it is time to decide between Mourinho and Blatter to see who deserves our flop of the week award. On the one hand, we have the paranoid, football-ruining, referee-hating, scaremongering Mourinho and on the other we have the man who stopped us from potentially knocking Germany out of the World Cup. I think it is only fair that they share the award and the quicker both are out of football the better it will be, although I admit to finding the recent Clasicos extremely compelling.
Hall of Lame
As we have shared the previous award, it seems appropiate to mention both the following incidents.
No 1. - Rivaldo in the World Cup v. Turkey. It's fair to say we know where Pedro got his play-acting from when he pretended he had been hit in the face.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVksdN4QnvA
No 2. - If you thought the Lampard 'goal' last summer was obvious, then what about this one? If any more proof was needed that United get pretty much every big decision at home, then this was it. Pedro Mendes and Roy Carroll might not want to look at this again, but both for different reasons.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U-8dOjeVC80
The week ahead
Predicting what will happen at the Nou Camp on Tuesday is like trying to predict the mood swings of a girl, but we might as well make some suggestions:
Number of goals: 1
Number of red cards: 3
Number of yellow cards: 10
Number of times a physio comes on to the pitch: 15
Number of fouls: 70
Number of Barcelona passes: 630
Number of rolls on the floor: 700?
In the other match at Old Trafford, I don't think it will be quite as difficult to predict what will happen, it's just a question of how bothered Manuel Neuer can be. Anyone for a Raul hat trick?
In the big title deciding match between United and Chelsea, I can't see Ancelotti starting with Torres. However, after a Park stunner, Torres will come on to score the equaliser. Vidic will then rugby tackle Malouda to the ground in the penalty area and sit on him, but the referee won't give a penalty and then Michael Owen will score a 98th minute winner. Standard.
Quotes of the week
Jose Mourinho, after being given the wrong food at a restaurant: 'This is outrageous, it's a Fifa conspiracy, they're just so biased towards Barcelona.'
Arsene Wenger: 'The press are after me, the referee is after me, the police are after me, the FA are after me, Cesc is after me.'
Mick McCarthy: 'I hope our crowd abuse the opposition, get their players sent off and pressurise the ref into giving us a penalty.'
The past week
The people who run the Oscars had to phone up Colin Firth and ask that he give his award to somebody more deserving. There were many candidates for best actor and here are the nominations:
Dani Alves after the challenge which saw Pepe sent off - 7/10
Verdict: A solid effort from Alves, which was backed up well by the rest of his team to get Pepe off
Sergio Busquets - 9/10
Verdict: Has been demoted from the number one spot, but was on top form again this week. Has previous with Mourinho after last season against Inter.
Pedro - 9.5/10
Verdict: An inspired effort from the winger, who managed to get Sergio Ramos booked by clutching his face after brushing his shoulder. Completly fooled the ref.
Highly commended:
Angel di Maria - another complete performance
Ronaldo - less rolling around, but he made up for it with his petulance towards Mourinho
But there can only be one winner...
And it can only be the Special One. Only Mourinho could take all the headlines after that wonder goal by Messi. It was almost as if he enjoyed being locked away from his dugout, as it was far more dramatic. Wonderful theatrics from Jose, backed up by his post-match comments. 10/10
Maybe the ref was just bored of watching Pepe ruin the game, but for whatever reason he sent him off, we should thank him for allowing Messi to score that second goal.
It's been a bad week for Madrid, who lost 3-2 at home to Zaragoza yesterday (and had another red card), but it has been equally bad for Spurs. Not only did they have to suffer from a Simon Cox wonder-goal (or as Harry Redknapp called it, 'a worldy') but then they had to play against 13 men at Stamford Bridge. Why we have no goalline technology is beyond me. Sepp 'reform' Blatter is the person standing in the way of the most obvious reform since allowing the use of substitutes, but unless the technology is 100% fullproof, gives decisions instantaneously, can serve coffee, predict the lottery and prevent global warming, then he isn't interested. And even then he would probably sell it to Russia and Qatar first.
Congratulations to Lee Westwood who has taken his place at the top of the world rankings of golf's merry-go round. His elevation to the top of his sport whilst being an average putter is like Juan Veron playing for United and Chelsea despite having no left foot, or Emile Heskey playing 62 times for England despite having no feet. However, watching Westwood with a wood in his hand is one of golf's greatest pleasures and I''m sure Westwood finds it very enjoyable as well!
Flop(ianski) of the week
Anyway, moving on from shocking innuedo, it is time to decide between Mourinho and Blatter to see who deserves our flop of the week award. On the one hand, we have the paranoid, football-ruining, referee-hating, scaremongering Mourinho and on the other we have the man who stopped us from potentially knocking Germany out of the World Cup. I think it is only fair that they share the award and the quicker both are out of football the better it will be, although I admit to finding the recent Clasicos extremely compelling.
Hall of Lame
As we have shared the previous award, it seems appropiate to mention both the following incidents.
No 1. - Rivaldo in the World Cup v. Turkey. It's fair to say we know where Pedro got his play-acting from when he pretended he had been hit in the face.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVksdN4QnvA
No 2. - If you thought the Lampard 'goal' last summer was obvious, then what about this one? If any more proof was needed that United get pretty much every big decision at home, then this was it. Pedro Mendes and Roy Carroll might not want to look at this again, but both for different reasons.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U-8dOjeVC80
The week ahead
Predicting what will happen at the Nou Camp on Tuesday is like trying to predict the mood swings of a girl, but we might as well make some suggestions:
Number of goals: 1
Number of red cards: 3
Number of yellow cards: 10
Number of times a physio comes on to the pitch: 15
Number of fouls: 70
Number of Barcelona passes: 630
Number of rolls on the floor: 700?
In the other match at Old Trafford, I don't think it will be quite as difficult to predict what will happen, it's just a question of how bothered Manuel Neuer can be. Anyone for a Raul hat trick?
In the big title deciding match between United and Chelsea, I can't see Ancelotti starting with Torres. However, after a Park stunner, Torres will come on to score the equaliser. Vidic will then rugby tackle Malouda to the ground in the penalty area and sit on him, but the referee won't give a penalty and then Michael Owen will score a 98th minute winner. Standard.
Quotes of the week
Jose Mourinho, after being given the wrong food at a restaurant: 'This is outrageous, it's a Fifa conspiracy, they're just so biased towards Barcelona.'
Arsene Wenger: 'The press are after me, the referee is after me, the police are after me, the FA are after me, Cesc is after me.'
Mick McCarthy: 'I hope our crowd abuse the opposition, get their players sent off and pressurise the ref into giving us a penalty.'
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