Not the best blog in the world... but certainly in the top one

Tired from essays? Stressed by exams? Hungover from going out? However you are feeling this Easter, don’t worry, there is always time for some light relief. Fernando Torres ruined most of the blog by scoring not once but twice, but hopefully it’s just a one-off otherwise I won’t know what to say. Anyway, for the next 20 minutes or so (depending how slow a reader you are) sit back, relax, take it eaaassssyyyy, and enjoy. Ohhh yeeaaahhh!

Also, as we all know I’m going to mention it at some stage, let me get my references to the Leeds v. Forest match out of my system…

733ds 3-7 Forest

The day before what would have been Brian Clough’s 77^th birthday

McCleary for England

Cotterill for England

Easy, easy!

Fashion faux pass

Some things are just so last season, like Carlo Ancelotti, Wayne Rooney’s bald patch and Forest passing the ball (until last Tuesday at least). Here are those horrible combinations which just should so not go together ya know:

Cardiff – finals

Balotelli – fireworks, darts, Scott Parker’s ankle

Alex McLeish – Aston Villa, sexy football

Grant Holt – speedos

Joey Barton – philosophy

Owen Coyle – shorts

Fernando Torres – six yard box

John Terry – monogamy

Liverpool – PR

Arsene Wenger – substitutions

Rio Ferdinand and Ryan Giggs – injunctions

They were the best of friends, they were the worst of friends

Christmas may be long gone (or soon to come around again depending on your point of view) and with the season to be jolly nowhere to be seen, here are a few people who haven’t quite seen eye-to-eye this season:

Joey Barton – Neil Warnock, Gervinho, TOWIE

Carlos Tevez – Roberto Mancini

Martin O’Neill – Alan Pardew

Charles N’Zogbia – Alex McLeish

Steve Kean – The city of Blackburn

Luis Suarez – Patrice Evra

Kenny Dalglish – Patrice Evra

Arsene Wenger – Luis Suarez, Tony Pulis

Andre Villas-Boas – Frank Lampard

John Terry – Anton Ferdinand

Neil Warnock – Tony Fernandes

Steve Morgan – Steve Bruce

Lee Cattermole – referees

Sir Alex Ferguson – referees

The island of Fernando

In celebration of Fernando Torres’ brace against Leicester, here is my team (in a 4-2-4 formation) who have all scored before the £50 million striker in 2012:

Tim Howard; Martin Skrtel, Gareth McAuley, Danny Higginbotham, Phil Bardsley; Paul Scholes, Somen Tchoyi; Shola Ameobi, Nicklas Bendtner, Ji Dong-Won, Andreas Weimann

Flop XI

There’s still some time for this to change, but here’s the team who have failed to light up the Premier League this season:

David de Gea; Roger Johnson, David Luiz, Rio Ferdinand, Paul Robinson; John Obi Mikel, Jordan Henderson, James Perch; Stewart Downing, Fernando Torres, Andy Carroll

The season so far in numbers

50 – the age when Paul Scholes and Ryan Giggs will finally retire

10 – the number of minutes of added time if Manchester United are losing to Manchester City when they play each other

£5 million – the value of Fernando Torres

23 - the number of the days the next Chelsea manager will last if he drops Frank Lampard

150 – the number of consecutive passes made by Swansea before giving the ball away

15 – the number of goals and points Arsenal would have without Robin van Persie

20,000 – the number of people in Stoke complaining of neck ache

89 – the number of minutes spent by Darren Bent in the opposition’s six yard box each match

£250 million – the amount of money Jose Mourinho will demand in the summer to win a match against Barcelona

The biggest Fifa disgrace ever

Fifa is meant to be a celebration of football purity, of unbelievable tekkers and local bragging rights (well within your house). For the many who have not been gifted with even the slightest ability with the ball, it is a place where we can live out our dreams with our favourite teams.

So it is for that reason that I must mention one person, the guy that tries to ruin it all for the rest of us. His name is Kesteven. You’re Arsenal and you’re 3-0 down at home to West Brom at half-time. What do you do? The answer is probably not put on two holding midfielders. Even worse, when 4-0 down he decided to purposely time-waste by keeping the ball in his own half for around 20 minutes just to avoid conceding a fifth goal and having to apologise. This is the complete opposite of sexy football which we all like to see.

Moreover, all his goals come from running with some rapid guy and involve no passing whatsoever. This man does not deserve to play such a special game.

Sure-fire things

Like a Lionel Messi goal, there are some things in life which you can bet your house on. Here is the list of things to expect between now and the end of the season:

Spurs finish 4^th and the media say they don’t want Harry Redknapp as England manager

Robin van Persie doesn’t sign a new contract

Luis Suarez and Gareth Bale will dive

Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain gets picked for England, has a bad game, and the media say he was chosen too early

Jose Mourinho will not return to Chelsea

Wigan will somehow stay up

Mario Balotelli will do something, somewhere, somehow, which is major

Most likely to…

Get sent off – Lee Cattermole

Go on a spontaneous and unexplained golfing holiday – Carlos Tevez

Win but still get abused – Steve Kean

Get an FA fine – Joey Barton

Make me feel inadequate in all departments – George Elokobi

Be found in the North East smashing up cars – Lee Cattermole and Nicklas Bendtner

Be abused in his car for joining a rival team – Samir Nasri

Lose a Twitter argument – Piers Morgan

Be the next Mick Conway – Frankie Conway - if you haven't heard this yet then I can't recommend it highly enough. If you have heard it then please listen again. This man has to get on Soccer Saturday http://audioboo.fm/boos/576351-sam-bell-goal-1-0-birmingham-manchester#t=0m23s

Be 3-0 down on Fifa with Arsenal and put on two holding midfielders – Fraser Kesteven

Hold on to a 4-0 loss – Fraser Kesteven

Be accused of sexism – Joel Lamy

Win every match 1-0 from now until the end of the season – Manchester United

Win every match at home but none on their travels – Manchester City

Lose their manager – Tottenham Hotspur

Win 5-0 one week then lose 5-0 the next – Arsenal

Sack their manager – Chelsea

Buy somebody called Demba – Newcastle

Sack their PR team – Liverpool

Beat the best teams at home – Everton

Over-achieve with an average team - Sunderland

Be mid-table all season and go unnoticed – Fulham

Replace one big striker with another – Stoke City

Score and not keep a clean sheet – Norwich City

Be thrown around by the England rugby team – Swansea City

Lose at home – West Bromwich Albion

Never like their manager – Aston Villa

Survive relegation and abuse their manager – Blackburn Rovers

Buy loads of good players, sack their manager and still get relegated – QPR

Survive against all odds – Wigan

Self-combust – Wolves

Have no good run in the league all season – Bolton Wanderers

The real league table

Who has come top of our tree compared to what expectations of them were at the start of the season (don’t abuse me too much about this):

1. Swansea City

2. Norwich City

3. Newcastle United

4. Tottenham Hotspur

5. Arsenal

6. Everton

7. Sunderland

8. Manchester United

9. Fulham

10. Stoke City

11. Manchester City

12. West Brom

13. Liverpool

14. Blackburn Rovers

15. Aston Villa

16. QPR

17. Chelsea

18. Wigan

19. Wolves

20. Bolton Wanderers

My week at BUCS

Who’s that guy constantly spamming Facebook and Twitter going on about some live blog? Oh that guy, yeah I know who you mean, the one who spends his time eating falafel and going on about Wes Morgan. Well it’s me again and I thought I’d mention a bit about my week at the British University and Colleges Sport Championships.

Wednesday

Finally get a chance to see Redbrick’s microsite dedicated to the Championships which looks amazing and get a chance to play with our ipad ahead of my live blogging at the women’s lacrosse and women’s hockey finals. As Ian Holloway said, I was like a badger during mating season.

Since you asked - http://www.redbrickpaper.co.uk/bucs/

Thursday

Get a ride to Sheffield but it takes 3 hours from Birmingham due to some lane closures on the way. Get there at 1pm with the lacrosse due to start at 2:30 but because of the traffic both of our teams are heavily delayed. This gives me more time to put together some videos of all four of us from the media team which vary from the serious to the ridiculous. Fortunately, the lacrosse team soon arrive and we are underway.

The match was a thrilling encounter with the lead constantly changing hands. I’m frantically trying to take photos, take videos, update the score, post comments and post tweets as well as inform our loyal readers when the hockey team were arriving!

Unfortunately we hit the post in the last minute and Cambridge went the other end and scored the winner. By this time we had heard that the hockey girls, who had won BUCS for the last two years, were 2-0 down to Durham. In a hurry to get there for the second-half, I manage to quickly get an interview with the lacrosse coach who looks distraught after the result.

After running to the car, we get stuck in yet more traffic on the way to hockey but we hear the score is now 2-1. When we finally get there the atmosphere is fantastic, much better than at Pride Park anyway!

But again there is late heartbreak with a great chance at the end to level it missed and soon Durham and their fans are celebrating. Once again it’s up to the job of interviewing the Birmingham coach just moments after seeing his side miss out on winning the trophy. It’s always the same questions at this stage, can you sum up how you feel? Can you take any positives? Will you be back stronger next year? Fortunately with uni sport the coaches and players are much more willing to talk even when getting asked these annoying questions.

The car journey back was much quicker but the joyful mood of expectancy on the way there was not apparent as we made it back to the West Midlands.

Friday

The morning after. Articles have to go up, photos have to be added, audio is also necessary. After doing a presentation on Spain in the EU which began with a picture of Ben Stiller saying “como están bitches’ three pictures of Penelope Cruz, and one each of Enrique Iglesias and Antonio Banderas, it was to the Redbrick office from 11-4 getting everything organised perfectly and spread all through our social media platforms.

Sunday

Another trip to Sheffield but this one wasn’t quite as fun. Our train at 8:40 was cancelled which meant a 50 minute wait for the next one. At the karate we had missed all the early Birmingham competitors. This was followed by a trip to volleyball where they were about to play in the 5^th/6^th play-off but instead of hanging around it was down to the Judo where we got some quotes with one competitor before finding out that there was nothing to get from badminton and fencing. I was then told that the volleyball had finished and when returning to karate I could still not find any Birmingham competitors. Frustrated at what was a disappointing day, I headed back to Birmingham with a number of articles to be done for the next morning…

Latest live odds

“Joel.”

“Yes Ray?”

“Here are the latest live odds.”

“Cheers Ray.”

New Chelsea manager

John Terry – evens

Rafa Benitez – 3/1

Sven Goran Eriksson – 5/1

Roman Abramovich – 6/1

Jose Mourinho – 8/1

Keith Curle – 10/1

New England manager

Harry Redknapp – 1/5

Neil Warnock – 4/1

Sam Allardyce – 5/1

Ian Holloway – 7/1

Flavio Briatore – 9/1

Avram Grant – 15/1

Keith Curle – 500/1

Season Predictions

Another reminder of what myself, Fraser Kesteven and Richard Ayling predicted before the start of the season. The final results will be put up in May, but there’s still time to laugh at how useless we all are:

Premier League winner:
JL: Manchester United
FK: Manchester United
RA: Manchester United

At the moment: Manchester United

Rest of top 4:
JL: Manchester City, Chelsea, Liverpool
FK: Chelsea, Manchester City, Arsenal
RA: Chelsea, Manchester City, Arsenal

At the moment: Manchester City, Arsenal, Tottenham

Relegated teams:
JL: Norwich, Wigan, Swansea
FK: Norwich, Wigan, Swansea
RA: Norwich, Wigan, Swansea

At the moment: Bolton, Wigan, Wolves

Top goal-scorer:
JL: Rooney
FK: Rooney
RA: Rooney

At the moment: Robin van Persie

Number of Fernando Torres goals (league only, as with the others):
JL: 10
FK: 15
RA: 10

At the moment: 2

Number of Mario Balotelli goals:
JL: 12
FK: 10
RA: 6

At the moment: 15

Number of Emile Heskey goals:
JL: 4
FK: 1
RA: 3

At the moment: 1

Number of games Arsenal let a lead slip (league only):
JL: 6
FK: 4
RA: 6

At the moment: 5

Norwich overall goal-difference:
JL: -15
FK: -28
RA: -21

At the moment: -7

First managerial casualty:
JL: Alex McLeish
FK: Neil Warnock
RA: Steve Kean

Answer: Steve Bruce

FA Cup winner:
JL: Spurs
FK: Chelsea
RA: Chelsea

At the moment: Chelsea, Liverpool, Everton, Sunderland, Tottenham and Bolton are all still in the cup

League Cup winner:
JL: Liverpool
FK: Manchester United
RA: Manchester City

Answer: Liverpool

Champions League winner:
JL: Real Madrid
FK: Barcelona
RA: Barcelona

At the moment: Real Madrid, Barcelona, Benfica, Chelsea, Bayern Munich, Apoel Nicosia, AC Milan and Marseille are still in the cup

Europa League winner:
JL: PSG
FK: Liverpool (JL - should be docked a point for being ignorant)
RA: Sevilla

At the moment: AZ, Valencia, Schalke, Athletic Bilbao, Sporting Lisbon, Metalist Kharkiv, Atletico Madrid and Hannover are still in the cup  

Top 2 in Championship:FK: West Ham, Leicester
RA: West Ham, Leicester
JL: West Ham, Leicester

At the moment: Southampton and Reading are in the top 2

Forest overall position:
JL: 5th
FK: 5th
RA: 4^th

At the moment: 20th


Forest top scorer:
JL: Lewis McGugan
FK: Marcus Tudgay
RA: Robbie Findley

At the moment: Garath McCleary with 9

Dele Adebola goals:
JL: 3
FK: 1
RA: 3

At the moment: 0

Nathan Tyson goals:
JL: 10 (woops)
FK: 4
RA: 2

At the moment: 0

League 1 winner:
JL: Huddersfield
FK: Carlisle
RA: Huddersfield

At the moment: Charlton

League 2 winner:
JL: Shrewsbury
FK: Northampton
RA: Crawley

At the moment: Swindon

Blue Square Prem winner:
JL: Luton
FK: Cambridge
RA: Luton

At the moment: Fleetwood

Take it Like a Fan

Derren Brown has made a fortune as an illusionist, but even he has nothing on the most hardened of supporters who see only bias against their side (by the way that penalty Leeds scored against Forest came from a dive). However, this brilliant example sent to me shows what can happen when fans turn their one-eyed support of their side into a creative dig at the opposition.

Here is Huddersfield’s report of their 2-2 draw against Stevenage:

http://www.htafc.com/page/Fixtures/0,,10312,00.html

And here is an alternative report:

http://www.htfc-world.com/

Non-football sports

The start of spring means that the summer sports will soon be dominating our agenda almost as much as football currently is. Concentrating on cricket, tennis and golf, let us start you off with Fraser Kesteven’s Six Nations team of the tournament before our very own tipster gives his predictions for some future events:

Six Nations Team of the Tournament

Full Back – Leigh Halfpenny (Wales)

Top scorer in the competition with 66 points, whose reliable goal kicking was influential for Welsh success. Also scored two tries to highlight his general offensive flair.

Right Winger – Tommy Bowe (Irish)

Tournament’s most prolific try scorer with 6 to demonstrate his incredible attacking potency.

Outside Centre – Manu Tuilagi (England)

Big bruiser of the English backline, whose return to the team forced a greater urgency of play, with his try against France showing his fantastic scoring ability.

Inside Centre – Wesley Fofana (France)

Scored 4 tries in as many games before being bizarrely chosen to play winger in their final match. Showed great maturity in his first international competition.

Left Winger – George North (Wales)

Beast of a winger whose development as an international player has been tremendous. His cheeky assist against Ireland showed that he also possesses the handling dexterities to go with his substantial bulk.

Fly Half – Owen Farrell (England)

Despite not being originally preferred to play this position, the move proved especially inspired as England began to play a more expansive offensive game.

Scrum Half – Mike Phillips (Wales)

Showed his importance to the Welsh effort throughout the tournament, proving to be deft in both attack and defence, frequently to the detriment of his equivalents.

Number Eight – Sergio Parisse (Italy)

The Italian talisman showed his incredible athleticism and guile continuously, rousing his team to play with more attacking verve, something which they found beneficial against Scotland.

Openside Flanker – Chris Robshaw (England)

The England captain proved his doubters wrong and helped stimulate a young English side to dominate many of their encounters. Showed exceptional maturity with the captaincy.

Blindside Flanker – Dan Lydiate (Wales)

Player of the tournament. Though relatively quiet, his unseen work was amazing, dominating the forward battles and helping propel Wales to glory.

Second Row – Pascal Pape (France)

The Frenchman showed his brutal efficiency in the set plays and provided a different emphasis in attack.

Second Row – Ritchie Gray (Scotland)

The big Scot cemented his British Lions credentials, proving to be their best player and an unexpected attacking threat.

Tighthead Prop – Dan Cole (England)

The sturdy prop proved aggressive in the scrums, with the rout of Ireland showing his importance to this English side.

Hooker – Rory Best (Ireland)

Despite being dominated by the English, Best showed competence with the captaincy and scored some great individual tries.

Loosehead Prop – Gethin Jenkins (Wales)

Most solid prop in Northern Hemisphere rugby, and was incredibly influential in allowing the Welsh to dominate.

Tipster

Cricket - England tour of Sri Lanka

Draw at Columbo
Kevin Pietersen to get out to a left arm spinner in 1st Test at Galle
England 1-0 series victory

Golf – The Masters

Rory Mcllroy to win by more than 3 shots
Lee Westwood top ten finish
Dark Horse - Bubba Watson

Tennis – French Open

Men’s winner – Rafael Nadal (More at home at Roland Garros than Eric Pickles at a curry house)
Women’s winner – Ana Ivanovic
Flop - Andy Roddick

Here are my expectations for the next few months:

England are being routed in the 1^st Test but a three hour stand between Monty Panesar and James Anderson followed by a sudden and completely unexplained period of heavy rain saves the match.

In the 2^nd Test, Andrew Flintoff comes on as 12^th man to run-out Mahela Jayawardene which sparks a collapse to Samit Patel’s bowling. Chasing 250 to win, Monty comes in with 5 runs needed and switch-hits Rengana Harath off his first ball over the ropes to take the series.

Elsewhere, Bangladesh start moving up the rankings to become the fifth best ODI side in the world and Sachin Tendulkar continues his pursuit of 100 double-centuries in international cricket.

Domestically, the county season gets underway but sides are forced to field their academy players due to everyone being either on international or IPL duty. Yorkshire lose their first match prompting their chief-executive to sack all the players. Essex’s opening fixture against Gloucestershire arouses suspicions when every single Gloucestershire batsman gets bowled off a no-ball. Nottinghamshire begin with a thumping win due to 10 wickets and a 20-ball 50 from Andre Adams. Speaking of Dre, read this day’s play (hey-hey) from a match against Warwickshire I went to. His spell of bowling is absolutely incredible.

http://www.espncricinfo.com/countycricket2010/content/story/472949.html

At the Masters, Rory McIlroy shoots 59, 82, 61, 84 over his four rounds. Luke Donald shoots 71, 72, 71, 72 to tie him for the lead at 2 under for the tournament with the event hosts making the course extremely difficult to play.  They are joined by Tiger Woods in the play-off, who wins on the 18^th play-off hole playing with just his left hand after he managed to break his right in unexplained circumstances.

At the French Open, Novak Djokovic defeats Rafael Nadal 6-7, 6-7, 7-6, 7-6, 97-95 in 30 hours of play which went on over 4 days. Later that night he runs a marathon before flying the next day to another tournament and playing again on the Wednesday. Andy Murray makes the semi-final at Roland Garros.

In boxing, Amir Khan knocks out Lamont Peterson but the Anfield cat is spotted changing the scorecards so that the American is given the win.

David Haye and Dereck Chisora announce that they are to star in a new Rocky film.

African celebrations

For those who are celebrating the time between the end of handing in essays and starting revision, here are some inspirational dance moves from Africa for you to try on the dancefloor. You’ll thank me when you pull ;)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rTEvkjSrVCU

To conclude

Just to say… If anybody wants to be included in the next edition of the greatest blog ever… to come out of the Lamy household, then let me know. It can be on anything both serious or funny, but in particular personal experiences are usually the best, whether of playing, supporting or even betting.

As for details of my next blog, it could be next week, it could be next month, to be honest I have no idea. But look out for my return one day…

And on a final note…

Get well soon Fabrice Muamba!

2012 (It is the end)

It’s that magical time of the year where you get to wake up on the 25^th of December and find out what great presents you have got. Unless you’re a Jew, in which case you end up like Arsene Wenger counting your pennies and wondering why you ever thought Nicklas Bendtner was any good (or is that just me?)

Without wasting more time here is my festive edition of Sporting Underachiever (note it is a long one so you might have to skip certain parts).

Christmas presents

I might be no psychic and I can't tell what everyone is getting for Christmas without actually breaking into their house and having a look (which would be slightly illegal) but here’s what I imagine the following people and teams will hope to receive from Santa:

Forest – 3 points

Manchester United – Thursday nights back

Heskey – a goal

Fernando Torres – a goal

Andy Carroll – a haircut… and a goal

Joey Barton – a book on philosophy

Luis Suarez – a new pair of boots as his current ones clearly aren’t giving him any grip

Andre Villas-Boas – the Jose Mourinho guide to paranoia

Carlos Tevez – a new dummy to spit out

Steve McClaren – an English accent

Steve Bruce – Manchester United reserves job (basically the Sunderland job but even harder to get fired)

Peter Crouch – a change of clubs, it’s been almost six months after all

Jose Mourinho – an injury to Lionel Messi

Samir Nasri – the Michael Owen guide to warming the bench… wasn’t Cesc Fabregas the one who was expected to be sitting on the sidelines at his new club?

Mario Balotelli – everything from a new darts board, to an AC Milan shirt to a fireworks display

Ryan Giggs – a new sister in law

Nicolas Anelka – a Chinese dictionary

For me? – Forest somehow make play-offs, Adebola (who returns in January) scores the winning goal in the final, Derby get relegated, Leicester go into administration, I get a first in all my essays and Megan Fox realises a good thing when she sees it and decides to become my gf. Actually, I’d take one of those things. In fact, I’d take 21^st place right now.

Heroes of the year:

Balotelli

Heskey

Holloway

Adebola

England cricket team

Villains of the year:

Blatter

Tevez

England rugby team

Jailed Pakistan cricketers

Rooney

Flop XI of the year: (positions variable): De Gea; Bramble, Evans, Luiz, Squillaci; Salgado, Ireland, Bebe, Bendtner, Torres, Carroll (since joining Liverpool)

Manager: Avram Grant           Assistant manager: Steve Kean         

First team coach: Steve McClaren

Dream team: Kameni; Morgan, Samba, Elokobi; Yaya, Essien, Tchoyi; Heskey, Yakubu, Balotelli ; Adebola

Subs: Shittu, Agymang, Richards, Mulumbu, Diame

Manager: Paul Ince

Quotes + Chants of the year

Mario Balotelli – ‘Why always me?’

Sepp Blatter – ‘I would deny it. There is no racism, there is maybe one of the players towards another, he has a word or a gesture which is not the correct one, but also the one who is affected by that.

‘He should say this is a game. We are in a game, and at the end of the game, we shake hands, and this can happen, because we have worked so hard against racism and discrimination.’

Sven Goran Erikssn on Leicester’s owners – ‘They are ambitious and very good business men. They have excellent results in business and that’s what they want in football as well.

‘I know the target is not only to reach the Premier League but to stay there. And sooner or later they want to reach Europe as well.’

Ian Holloway on Fifa, winter World Cup etc - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6PacW2fJV0&feature=related

  

Steve McClaren – ‘I have returned to the Netherlands as they are the only country who can understand what I am saying.

Youssouf Mulumbu – ‘Mulumbu woah, Mulumbu woah, he comes from Africa, he’s better than Kaka.’

To all fans of Manchester United and City – ‘Thursday nights, Channel Five.’

The next six months:

January – Manchester City beat Manchester United thanks to a late Mario Balotelli winner who celebrates by whipping out a firework from inside his shorts (at least, I hope that’s where it came from) and setting it off on the pitch before tripping up Fergie as he tries to go down the tunnel.

In the transfer window – Adebola moves to Forest, Crouch moves to Sunderland, Defoe moves to Villa, Robbie Keane moves to Bolton, Sven takes charge of Blackburn and Steve McClaren becomes manager of the Dutch national team

England begin their series against Pakistan but both sides call it off quite early when half the Pakistan team are seen coming out of Ladbrokes before the first day’s play.

February – All five English teams progress in Europe with Stoke going to the Mestalla and winning 3-0 from three long throws after Rory Delap and Ryan Shotton stole some towels from their dressing room toilet.

Cardiff beat Liverpool in the Carling Cup final but are later stripped of the trophy because Sepp Blatter states no Welsh team can play in an English tournament, prompting all British FAs to threaten any non-English player with a life ban should they compete in the Olympics.

Andy Murray gets to the final of the Australian Open once again but this time fails to win even a game as he is taken apart by Novak Djokovic.

March – Arsenal get knocked out of the Champions League by Barcelona and Chelsea are on the verge of making the semi-final but Stuart Atwell, who is in charge of their match against Apoel Nicosia, decides to award the Greek side a last minute goal at Stamford Bridge despite the ball hitting the corner flag. Meanwhile, on Thursday nights, Stoke lose out to Trabzonspor after all their players ate some dodgy lasagne the night before the second leg, but both United and City progress to the semis although they avoid facing each other for the 56^th time that season.

April – Darren Clarke wins the Masters after Rory McIlroy loses a 10 stroke lead on the final day. Tiger Woods gets in a fight with former caddie Steve Williams after he was heard making a joke about the golfer’s sex life.

Apoel Nicosia defeat Real Madrid in the Champions League semi-finals prompting Jose Mourinho to blame the EU for allowing the Greeks to play in the tournament before demanding another £200 million to spend in the summer in order to compete with them. In the other semi-final, Barcelona defeat Bayern Munich after Franck Ribery was suspended from world football for joining in with a Silvio Berlusconi bunga-bunga party which included several underage girls.

May – Man City pip United to the title and Europa League but miss out on the FA Cup after a Dele Adebola inspired comeback sees Forest come from three goals down to win in extra time. A week later, Adebola nets the winner at Wembley as Forest defeat Leicester – who are once again being managed by Sven - in the play-off final. Sven is once again sacked but soon announces he is to be in the next series of Big Brother.

Elsewhere, Apoel Nicosia win the Champions League and Sepp Blatter makes a new Fifa law which states England must play Heskey in the Euros. He then denies all allegations of an anti-English bias and says the media are all paranoid.

June – Andy Murray wins Wimbledon but nobody realised because the build-up to the Olympics is in full swing. Rory McIlroy misses the cut at the Open and complains that a spectator was using a fan-hat which was making conditions too windy to play in.

The year in Sporting Underachiever…

Having put out the blog between March and October, here is a re-cap of some of the major sporting moments of the year and how I reported on them. Look out for some lively rivalries.

March

Cricket World Cup - After being called negative for thinking England scraping their way into the quarter-finals of the World Cup could be a bad thing, I was disappointed to be proved right. The Three Lions gave a typically underwhelming display with the bat, led by the normally impressive Andrew Strauss who played the sort of innings expected by me - lots of defensive shots before being bowled trying to play a dirty slog. England being England, they played the part-time spinners in ultra-defensive mode, like they were Murali, then played Murali like he was, well, Xavier Doherty.

The highlight of the match has to be Eoin Morgan's innings of 50 off 55 balls, which included three bad drops and being given not out LBW (a decision which was not reviewed) when it was actually out. The talk at the interval was that 230 was a competitive score, but then the Sri Lankan openers proved that the pitch was not a minefield, as England had made it appear, and cantered to victory inside 40 overs.

If England disappointing at a World Cup was to be expected, then South Africa's collapse against New Zealand was a dead cert. The Proteas have now lost five knockout matches in a row at World Cups, most famously in 1999 against Australia. The word 'choke' is branded around too easily these days, but watching AB de Villiers being run-out by his partner when in the form of his live was unsurprising, although if anyone was going to be run-out, then the heavy odds would have been on Jacques Kallis.

Champions League - big shock of the week, Chelsea didn't get the worst team left in the draw. However, they got off likely compared to Spurs who have the easy task of knocking out Real Madrid then (almost certainly) Barcelona, just to reach the final. I would lurve it if Spurs made it to the semis and started playing long ball to Peter Crouch at the Nou Camp. All Harry needs to do is ask Stoke for Rory Delap and they would be sorted. Can't believe nobody has though of trying that against Barca yet.

After Arsenal got knocked out in the round before - Five officials, we were told, would get 99% of decisions right. That was the verdict of Michel Platini, so of course we knew the complete opposite would happen.

Flop(ianski)

Mario Balotelli narrowly beat the England rugby team as the winner of the inaugural Flop(ianski) of the week for his red card against Dynamo Kiev and his inability to put on a bib. Now I know your average footballer is hardly Stephen Fry, but the incompetence shown by Balotelli makes me wonder who dresses him in the morning, and how much must they get paid?

Quotes of the week

Rio Ferdinand - 'We are all behind John Terry, which is quite ironic considering why he lost the captaincy in the first place.'

Carlo Ancelotti - 'I would like to thank the scouting team for finding me such a great striker. Unfortunately, they also wasted £50 million on Torres.'

April

Premier League - However, this week, the Premier League was fairly predictable: West Ham put in a shambolic defensive performance, Man United pulled off a great comeback (aided by the ref), Rooney scored, Torres didn't score and Arsenal choked again.

Champions League - Emmanuel Adebayor did the impossible during the week, he managed to improve his popularity with Arsenal, Man City and Real Madrid fans all at the same time, as well as all other London sides. Arsenal fans may have forgiven him a bit for leaving them for more money as he scored his 10th goal in as many matches against their North London rivals to effectively knock them out of the Champions League. Perhaps allowing him to go out on loan was part of Roberto Mancini's masterplan at gaining revenge on Spurs for pipping them to 4th place last season, but the Togolese striker will certainly be more popular now.

Torres - As has been pointed out on Facebook this week, Fernando Torres has beaten David Blaine's record for doing nothing in a box. However, he finally found the back of the net this weekend against Wigan, before finding out he was offside.

Injunctions - Of course this week has seen more usage of injunctions and super-injunctions to keep people from finding out that footballers cheat on their wives (yes really).  If you are looking for even more women to Google, then check out Imogen Thomas, who has had an affair with a married Premier League footballer, but has been banned from selling her story to newspapers. The problem with trying to guess who it is, is that there are so many footballers who are rich and sleazy enough to do this. Until a week ago Torres would have been out of the questions as nobody could remember the last time he scored, but you can never rule out somebody who plays for Chelsea.

Hall of Lame

However, this week saw a PGA tour record as Kevin Na hit 16 on a par 4, as he hit the ball into the trees twice before taking a number of shots to get the ball out. Yet somehow, he hit 3 under on the back 9 which takes some doing. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VQpjnz_PuGU

The week ahead

Mario Balotelli does not travel to Anfield because it turns out he is allergic to Scousers. Instead, he travels to the Masters where he is seen chipping golf balls at spectators.

Quotes of the week

Harry Redknapp, on Peter Crouch: 'The kid is t'riffic, a lovely lovely lad, everyone loves him.'

Jose Mourinho, on Peter Crouch: 'When you are making Omelettes, Crouch would be the 2nd class eggs.'

Carlo Ancelotti: 'This is not a good time for Fernando, but Ashley and John are going to give him some tips as they know how to score on a Saturday night.'

Ray Wilkins: 'Stay on your feet', 'Stand up' or 'Kaboul is useless'

May

Champions League - As expected, the Champions League will be contested by United and Barcelona, although fans of Mourinho can certainly point out that Madrid got a number of poor decisions over the two legs. It is certainly a shame to see one side profit over the other from dodgy referees, except when the manager is Mourinho. He should look at how Crawley Town played at Old Trafford when they were massive underdogs to see that playing attacking football is more important than spending lots of money, winning ugly then moving on to another "project". Top marks this week go to Mascherano for managing to con referee Wolfgang Stark into ruling out Higuain's goal. A masterful performance.

Speaking of Crawley Town, they put in a much better performance than Schalke managed. Even Darron Gibson, who left Twitter after being abused by fans, managed to look good. Remember, Twitter is the home of Piers Morgan and Gary Neville, so the abuse must have been seriously bad for Gibson to decide to quit.

Premier League - With all the inevitability of an Australian batting collapse, Manchester United managed to find the goal they needed to lift the Premier League trophy. Although Hernandez was fouled in the box (what was Paul Robinson doing?!) there was little doubt that the penalty would be given, even with all the consultation between referee and linesman. You can just imagine the conversation going on between the two:

Ref: What do you think?

Lino: Why are you asking me? I'm a linesman we never give decisions

Ref: If only we had someone behind the goal, then it would be so much easier

Lino: As we are both not sure, I don't think we can give a penalty

Ref: You're right. (Looks at Ferguson then points to the spot).

Avram Grant being sacked afterwards was as inevitable as a Novak Djokovic win, but he can have no complaints. A team with the striking options of Cole, Ba, Piquionnem Keane and Sears should not come bottom, not to mention Scott Parker, my player of the season. Hammers fans can now look forward to blowing bubbles in the Championship, alongside Forest.

The week ahead

Predicting what will happen at the Nou Camp on Tuesday is like trying to predict the mood swings of a girl, but we might as well make some suggestions:

Number of goals: 1
Number of red cards: 3
Number of yellow cards: 10
Number of times a physio comes on to the pitch: 15
Number of fouls: 70
Number of Barcelona passes: 630
Number of rolls on the floor: 700?

Quotes of the week

Sir Alex Ferguson - "I urge the Chelsea board not to sack Carlo Ancelotti. I further urge them to start Torres up-front, to sell Drogba and play Mikel in every match."

Arsene Wenger - "The title is still ours to win."

Avram Grant - "We will not go down, we have Robbie Keane to score the goals for us."

Mick McCarthy - "I hope we batter Sunderland and I hope we get awarded lots of penalties and I hope our fans abuse their players and the ref and their chairman..."

Balotelli - "All my season was shit"

Jose Mourinho: "There's no point playing next season, because a Fifa, Uefa and UN conspiracy will give Barcelona the title, Champions League and Nobel Peace Prize."

Neil Warnock: "I look like Mrs Doubtfire and an anagram of my name is Colin Wanker."

June

Ryan Giggs - Hello and welcome back to the blog which does to sport what Ryan Giggs does to his family. Whenever there is any sporting scandal, the first place to go is to Facebook for all the witty groups which pop up immediately. So far we have - Ryan Giggs: Famed for putting in deep balls. Shamed for being balls deep and Giggsy, happy to take them from Big Brother or little brother. All we are waiting for now is - "That man is a family man." "Umm, Nan, that's Ryan Giggs." (Having fun keeping up with all the slurs?)

Fifa - We've had the corruption stories, we've seen Jack Warner threaten to set the fires of hell on Sepp Blatter before endorsing his bid to become President, we've seen photos of bribes being offered to Caribbean nations and we've seen the whole world blame England for everything. But, could we have ever imagined that Henry Kissinger would be brought into try and save the game from evils within its head organisation.

England v. India - However, the Indians have already caused controversy by refusing to use the Review system for the Test series. This is like Fifa implementing goal-line technology, but not using it in a World Cup qualifier because one of the teams didn't want it. The fact that India are the dominant force in cricket and current World champions means they should be using the system alongside every other Test playing nation. I'm already hoping that in the first morning of the first day of the first Test, Sachin Tendulkar gets a shocking decision and there is nothing he can do about it. Maybe then they will change their minds.

Samit Patel - Still, he chose a bad time to get run out without scoring, after being too lazy to get back into his crease. It took the third umpire a while to give him out, but then again it took him a while to get a camera angle where he could see both the popping crease and the stumps in the same shot.

Villas-Boas’ time in England:

October - top of the table playing some attractive football
November - John Terry shags his wife
December - Ray Wilkins becomes assistant manager but is sacked a week later after telling Roman to stay on his feet
January - mid-season slump, but still top and in all 4 competitions
February - Gets shot by Ashley Cole who says it was an accident
March - wins the Carling Cup
April - Fernando Torres scores
May - wins the Premier League and FA Cup
Late May - loses Champions League final to Barcelona after Busquets and Alves get half the Chelsea team sent off.
Next day - sacked - leaves with £15 million compensation
August - Avram Grant becomes manager
September - John Terry shags his wife

Links

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2V3DeqELS8A&feature=youtu.be – Brilliant penalty incident

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p00hf8wq -- Jonathan Agnew having another “interesting” moment on air

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p00hf8wq -- evidence why Steve McClaren was always destined to fail

July

David Haye after his loss - If we knew anything before Saturday about David Haye it was that he can certainly talk the talk. Maybe he could go and work with Ed Miliband and help him with his interviews. I could just picture it now: "This election will be as one-sides as a gangrape," although with Clegg and Cameron teaming up together this prediction could become a scary possibility, albeit with the roles reversed.

County Cricket - As if this Test match hasn't been good enough, it has been a glorious week for cricket watchers everywhere. For me, two matches in particular have stood out. The Hampshire v. Nottinghamshire match was a thriller, with 25 of the 36 wickets being taken by spinners and Notts falling 4 runs short of winning the match with 4 wickets remaining.

However, the Roses clash at Headingley was something else. Yorkshire were 48 for 8 in reply to Lancashire's 328 all out, but they rallied to make 239.

Then, amazingly they had Lancashire 33 for 3 at the close of play and 87 for 8 the next morning, but then they managed to make it to 194.

As if that wasn't dramatic enough, chasing 283 to win, Yorkshire were 177-8 before another ridiculous 9th wicket stand got them to 230-9, but eventually they lost by 23 runs.

So overall, the 9th wicket stands in the match were: 9, 154, 80 and 53. Not too bad.

Novak Djokovic - The Serbian had shown an aversion to grass which matched that of Mario Balotelli (who suffered an allergic reaction), and like our Italian friend he has found a way to overcome it.

Quotes of the week

Jose Enrique - "The club is allowing all the major players of the team to go. Seriously, do you think it is the fault of the players? Andy [Carroll], nobby [Kevin Nolan] etc etc. This club will never again fight to be among the top six again with this policy."

Roberto Mancini - "I was absolutely not being disrespectful to Arsenal. All I said was I was looking forward to Nasri playing in a blue shirt next year. I was of course talking about the Arsenal away shirt. I think it looks good on him."

Guy Moussi, after signing a 3 year contract with Forest: "I don't want to be rude, but I could not have gone to Derby. It was impossible."

And what he actually meant: "I would never go and play for the sheep-shagging scum, baa baa."

Links

http://hasandrevillasboasbeensackedyet.com/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7oytEUmlkHo - some Balotelli magic. And from Opta 7 - Despite playing just 32 mins, Mario Balotelli had the most shots (4) & created the joint-most chances (3) v LA Galaxy. Hollywood.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mH3IViJfK48 – David Haye being mocked

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/football/teams/wales/8635249/Meet-the-Faroese-student-who-made-Wales-officially-worse-at-football.html - A brilliant Welsh fan

August

England - Congratulations to the England under-20s who epitomised the art of sexy football by qualifying for the knock-out stages of their World Cup... without a goal being scored in any of their matches. They've been following the Paraguay school of how to win without actually winning, or if Carlsberg did 0-0s...

Steve Kean - Steve Kean was caught drink driving - is that him doing anything for three points? Or was this his way of trying to get out of the Blackburn Rovers job. If it was the latter than he shouldn't worry, unless he starts winning soon.

Derby County - It may have been a few years ago, but who could forget the pitiful 11 points Derby managed to win in an entire Premier League season. So now, I am launching the Derby points challenge to see when every team in the top flight passes that points tally. It is still early days, but I am expecting the challenge to be completed before the turn of the year. Amazingly, and annoyingly, they have already passed their own challenge after two weeks of this season.

Dele Adebola - No Forest striker has scored in 4 league games, so I feel it is only right to create the Bring Back Adebola campaign. Let us not forget, the big man started on three ocassions last season and netted each time. How we could do with his predatory instincts (and sizeable assets) right now.

Link

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/aug/19/getafe-fans-sperm-donors

September

Fernando Torres on that miss - And then, he produced some nice skill to take the ball around David de Gea and I was preparing to scrap everything I had written about him. And then... well it can happen to the best of us (or even me).

Rugby - It's amazing that during the football equivalent last summer I was rooting for New Zealand to win and now 14 months on, I just want to see them choke and lose. Admittedly, I still want the French to lose badly, really, really badly.

The best thing about these tournaments is picking a minnow side who you want to do well. Out of all the teams I can see, I am going to root for Tonga for the simple reason that I want them to beat France.

In other news, the team I have decided to lend my support to, Tonga, lost 25-20 to Canada. Just as long as they beat France.

What will really happen between now and Euro 2012

It wasn't inspiring, but England, somehow, are only one point away from making Euro 2012 thanks to Rob Earnshaw's miss.

Assuming (should never use that word), that England do qualify, we will once again be on the verge of another tournament where everyone says we have a chance of winning it if Lampard and Gerrard learn to play together, Terry doesn't shag Rooney's wife and Capello is swapped for Sven.

But what will really happen between now and the start of the tournament? Let me look into my crystal ball.

England are 1-0 down in Montenegro, but Lampard hits a shot through the side netting which ends up in the goal. The Italian referee, Stuenzo Attwellio, says it was legitimate and England hang on to qualify.

Friendlies against Holland and Spain are lined up. Against the Dutch, England lose 2-0 with 9 men after having five people stretchered off from challenges by Nigel de Jong.

Against Spain, they are two-nil up courtesy of Young and Walcott, but Fernando Torres scores twice and Lionel Messi, who has defected because he wasn't being appreciated in Argentina, hits the winner.

2012:

Theo Walcott, writing in his second autobiography, Hitting Puberty, says how angry he is not to be considered as a striker any more and eventually retires from international football with what is probably the most number of England caps without ever being to a tournament.

Andy Carroll is put in hospital due to drinking excessive alcohol. His manager, Kenny Dalglish, still maintains that he doesn't have a drinking problem. In his place, Capello calls up Heskey with no other options available as all other strikers have retired from international football. After bundling in the winner in a friendly against Andorra, it is impossible to leave him out again.

Capello brings in David Beckham as his translator. During a training session Beckham impresses Capello so much that he is now irreplacable in the squad.

Beckham breaks a metatarsal playing for QPR (who he joined after his former club, Leicester City, went bust). The country holds it's breath as Beckham tries to desperately regain fitness in time for the start of the tournament.

John Terry shags Gareth Barry's wife so he pulls out of the squad. Terry becomes a national hero.

It is then discovered that Terry is actually the father of Beckham's daughter, Harper Seven. At once, he is dropped as captain and replaced by Beckham.

Joey Barton makes fun of Wayne Rooney's new mullet hairstyle and the pair end up getting in a fight on the streets. Result? Rooney is to be in prison during the tournament for GBH.

In a surprise move, Rooney is given early release after one week, just before Capello names his squad for the tournament. He is part of the 23 man squad alongside Barton (plus a couple of other surprises)

First match of the tournament...

Starting XI: Hart; Smalling, Terry, Campbell, Bridge; Beckham, Lampard, Barton, Gerrard; Rooney, Heskey

What happens from then on is anybody's guess.

Flop(ianksi)

Hola Carlos, now pack your bags. Speaking about pack your bags, adios Schteeve, but next time you manage in England please speak normally.

Quotes of the week

Asamoah Gyan - "’I'm really happy to be here. Al-Ain is an important club and this is a big challenge for me. There will be a lot of expectations on me, but not pressure.’

Cristiano Ronaldo - "I think that because I am rich, handsome and a great player people are envious of me." Tell me about it mate.

Links

http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/video/2011/sep/07/al-ahly-amir-sayoud-misses-penalty-video?CMP=twt_gu – Lovejoy!

http://www.people.co.uk/news/uk-world-news/2011/09/04/newcastle-united-owner-mike-ashley-s-full-monty-strip-in-a-chinese-restaurant-102039-23394181/ - More class from Mike Ashley

http://www.whoateallthepies.tv/champions_league/87176/tiziano-crudelis-heart-almost-explodes-watching-milan-vs-barcelona-video.html - Funniest thing ever

http://t.co/aMrOEUTo - Great chat at the end

The year in numbers (spot the real ones)

0 – the number of goals and assists Stewart Downing has provided since his £20 million move to Liverpool

1- members of the Giggs family still talking to Ryan

2 – the average minutes of added time when Manchester United are winning

3 – the number of times Gary Neville is referred to at an Andre Villas-Boas press conference

5 – the number of years for Steve Kean’s new contract following the Bolton defeat

7 – the average

 minutes of added time when Manchester United are losing

8 – the percentage of Roberto Mancini’s hair which was grey before he signed Mario Balotelli

9 – the number of goals Aston Villa have conceded to corners having scored none themselves

10 - the age of the person controlling David Luiz on the PlayStation

14 – the position Arsenal would be in without Robin van Persie

15 – the number of matches since Wigan won a game by more than one goal

24 – the number of games since Blackburn last kept a clean sheet

30 – the number of minutes Luis Suarez spends on the deck in a match

32 – the number of matches Bolton have played since their last draw

35 – the number of shots Emile Heskey needs to score a goal

43 – the number of matches since Blackburn recorded back-to-back wins

50 – the number of millions Fernando Torres cost Chelsea, also the number of days he has to repay Roman Abramovich before he gets shipped out of the country

70 – the number of millions it costs to insure Robin van Persie’s left foot

75% – how long the ball stays in the air during a Stoke v. Blackburn match

125 – the number of minutes Michael Owen will spend on the pitch during league matches

25,000 – packets of gum Sir Alex Ferguson gets through a season

2,560,000 – the number of results on Google when you type in ‘Sepp Blatter corrupt’

The Christmas card list

Which people will not be on each other’s Christmas card list this year…

Harry Redknapp – Chris Foy

John Toshack – Robbie Savage

Sir Alex Ferguson – Arsene Wenger, Rafael Benitez, Roy Keane, any referee

Andre Villas-Boas – Gary Neville, Alan Hansen, any member of the media

Joey Barton – Mike Ashley, Derek Llambias, members of TOWIE

Nigel Doughty – Billy Davies, Steve McClaren

Kieron Dyer – Lee Bowyer

Missing in action

Could the following people please be returned to their clubs immediately if found…

Fernando Torres, Carlos Tevez, Michel Salgado, Bobby Zamora, Andy Carroll, Jonny Evans, Michael Owen, Titus Bramble, Bebe

All I want for Christmas…

We know what the clubs and players want, but what about the fans?

Arsenal – Robin van Persie to sign a new contract

Aston Villa – Emile Heskey to score, Darren Bent to score, anyone to score

Bolton – Stuart Holden to spend less time with them and more on the pitch

Blackburn – New owners, new manager, new players (except Yakubu and Samba)

Chelsea – John Obi Mikel sold, anybody but David Luiz to play at centre-back

Everton – Money and lots of it

Fulham – Thursday nights back

Liverpool – A new FA who will scrap Suarez’s ban and make the goals slightly bigger

Manchester City – Robin van Persie

Manchester United – Nemanja Vidic to miraculously recover, Ajax to beat them in the Europa League and a new central midfielder

Newcastle – New owner, new board, new name for their stadium

Norwich – A healthy supply of pies (an oxymoron I know) to keep Grant Holt going

QPR – Less tweeting, more winning and Flavio Briatore banned from the ground

Sunderland – Martin O’Neill to sign a contract which prevents him from ever leaving

Stoke – Dry weather

Swansea – To stay a division above Cardiff

Tottenham – One more point than Arsenal

Wigan – Somebody who can score

West Brom – Tchoyi to tear everyone apart again

Wolves – Elokobi and Zubar paired together

And finally from me…

Thank you to everyone who has read the blog this year and let me know about it. I always appreciate feedback, unless it’s negative that is. I apologise for often being extremely Forest and Balotelli-centred, but to be honest, what else is there to talk about? And I also apologise for spamming your Facebook home page with sports articles.

I have enjoyed poking fun at much more talented and classy people than myself and I hope you have found it reasonably funny. I hope to return with another edition of Sporting Underachiever in the future but in the meantime stay classy. And thanks for tuning in. But mainly stay classy.

Some Redbrick articles for you to look at if you wish to:

http://www.redbrickpaper.co.uk/2011/12/my-premier-league-team-of-the-year/

http://www.redbrickpaper.co.uk/2011/12/my-cricket-team-of-the-year/

http://www.redbrickpaper.co.uk/2011/12/vote-tuesday-top-10-sports-personality-contenders/

http://www.redbrickpaper.co.uk/2011/12/vote-wednesday-debate-sports-personality-candidate-selection-process/

And it's goodbye from me

Right, this is it. It's been an emotional journey and we have made fun of a lot of people who deserve it, whilst suffered Forest's heartbreak together. But today marks my last weekly blog. For both my readers I know this will be a sad moment, although I'm sure everyone else will be glad to have less spam on their walls on a Sunday night.

The reason for such a drastic decision comes after being made online sports editor for Redbrick, most probably the finest student newspaper about (in my unbiased opinion). This great priviledge will take up the number of hours needed to keep you all entertained every Sunday evening, so unfortunately, the blog had to give way.

However, there is no need to mourn Sporting Underachiever just yet. During holidays, such as reading week in a few weeks time, I will try my best to bring out a one-off edition. Moreover, the weekly contest between the Tipster and the Selly Oak Tramp will continue and I still can't wait to see who comes out on top of our season predictions (more on that later).

And as for the spam? Well, you can probably expect me to keep on putting stuff on Facebook, but it will pretty much all be Redbrick related (also, feel free to check out my brief interview with the women's rugby captain on the newspaper's website).

Ideally, I would have liked to have gone out on a bang, but due to being at home most of the weekend for unavoidable committments and an already growing amount of reading, it has been more difficult than I thought. And add into the fact that I only bought Fifa 12 today. Still, I hope you enjoy my thoughts and ramblings for the last time in my permanent Sunday slot.

Que pasa Carlos?
Carlos Tevez said his quotes after the Bayern Munich match, where he admitted to not coming on, were misquoted. Well, he didn't actually say that, because his English isn't good enough. His adviser, Kia Picanto, or whatever his name is, had to tell us. So maybe when Carlitos was told by Roberto Mancini to go on to the pitch, he had no idea what he was telling him. And maybe when Carlos said he hated Manchester and wanted to leave, he was misquoted again. I suppose that's all plausible. And in other news, Sepp Blatter really wants to reform Fifa and Arsenal win the Premier League.

Adios big Dilley
We can all remember the infamous, "the bowler's Holding, the batsman's Willey." So in a week where Ashes hero Graham Dilley died, it's only right to re-live another bit of commentary magic.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oh4iF_Si_2E

Carragher doesn't know the meaning of cheating
Apparently, having a foreign coach is 'cheating.' This the supposed wisdom from Jamie Carragher, who had no qualms returning from international retirement at the last World Cup under a certain Italian manager. It's funny, because at cricket, England are the dominant force in the longest form of the game and are led by a Zimbabwean. India are led by a South African and in recent years Sri Lanka and Bangladesh have had foreign coaches. So if Andy Flower being coach of England is cheating, then I hope we continue to cheat. It's about time we dominated a sport.

And speaking of cheating, the trial of the Pakistanis accused of match-fixing began this week. I would never want to second-guess a verdict, but if you saw the video evidence last year then they are going to need a stunning lawyor to get an acquittal. Now that is cheating.

Rooney see red
I get slated every time I tell people that Wayne Rooney should not go to the Euros, but I think, for once, that I've been proved right. I hope he's banned for three matches and Fabio Capello doesn't take him to the tournament. What we don't need is a circus about when he will get back into the team, who he will replace, what formation will bring the best out of him etc. Take Welbeck, Agbonlahor, Defoe, Bent and pick one or two out of those.

Also, isn't it slightly coincidental that the surge of betting on a red card for that Motherwell game came from loads of people from Liverpool. Where's Rooney from again? (I don't generally think there is a betting scam here, but these days anything is possible).

Rugby hell
I hate the French... pricks.

Muzza on fire
Andy Murray beat Rafa Nadal in three sets, which included a bagel in the final set. He only lost four points in that set as well. Am I only the one who thinks back to Wimbledon where he was a set up and blew it? So don't expect to see me putting any of my money on him to win a Grand Slam next year. Novak Djokovic on the other hand...

Season predos
 Let's have a look whose predictions are looking a decent shout so far this season.

Premier League winner:JL: Man U
FK: Man U
RA: Man U
Current result: Umm, you guessed it

Rest of top 4:JL: Man City, Chelsea, Liverpool
FK: Chelsea, Man City, Arsenal
RA: Chelsea, Man City, Arsenal
Current result: Man City, Chelsea, Newcastle (I'm sorry what?)

Relegated teams:JL: Norwich, Wigan, Swansea
FK: Norwich, Wigan, Swansea
RA: Norwich, Wigan, Swansea
Current result: Wigan, Blackburn, Bolton

Top goal-scorer:JL: Rooney
FK: Rooney
RA: Rooney
Current result: Wazza

Number of Fernando Torres goals:JL: 10
FK: 15
RA: 10
Current result: 2

Number of Mario Balotelli goals:JL: 12
FK: 10
RA: 6
Current result: 2

Number of Emile Heskey goals:JL: 4
FK: 1
RA: 3
Current result: 1

Number of games Arsenal let a lead slip:JL: 6
FK: 4
RA: 6
Current result: 1

Norwich overall goal-difference:JL: -15
FK: -28
RA: -21
Current result: -3

First managerial casualty:JL: Alex McLeish
FK: Neil Warnock (JL - hope he's right)
RA: Steve Kean
Current result - Nobody

FA Cup winner:JL: Spurs
FK: Chelsea
RA: Chelsea
Current result - No idea

League Cup winner:JL: Liverpool
FK: Man U
RA: Man City
Current result - all three are still in

Champions League winner:JL: Real Madrid
FK: Barcelona
RA: Barcelona
Current result - Both have started well

Europa League winner:JL: PSG

FK: Liverpool (JL - should be docked a point for being ignorant)
RA: Sevilla

Current result - Not looking good for Fraser here...

Top 2 in Championship:JL: West Ham, Leicester
FK: West Ham, Leicester
RA: West Ham, Leicester

Current result: Southampton, Middlesbrough

Forest overall position:JL: 5th
FK: 5th
RA: 4th

Current result: Umm... 21st

Forest top scorer:JL: Lewis McGugan
FK: Marcus Tudgay
RA: Robbie Findley

Current result: Ishmael Miller with 3

Dele Adebola goals:JL: 3
FK: 1
RA: 3

Current result: 0

Nathan Tyson goals:JL: 10 (I'm relying on him playing 30 games otherwise this will be wrong)
FK: 4
RA: 2

Current result: 0

League 1 winner:JL: Huddersfield
FK: Carlisle (JL - who were beaten 3-0 at home by Notts County. Fraser should definitely be docked a point now)
RA: Huddersfield

Current result: Charlton

League 2 winner:JL: Shrewsbury
FK: Northampton
RA: Crawley

Current result: Southend

Blue Square Prem winner:JL: Luton
FK: Cambridge (JL - Cramp would be happy)
RA: Luton

Current result: Wrexham

And on that bombshell
http://www.mirrorfootball.co.uk/news/Fulham-boss-Martin-Jol-has-fined-HIMSELF-over-Chelsea-Carling-Cup-penalty-kick-row-EXCLUSIVE-article808141.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WEUS5xLTPoQ

And two stories which sum everything up:http://www.skysports.com/story/0,19528,11095_7225914,00.html?utm_source=twitterfeed_Football_twitter&utm_medium=twitter

http://sports.yahoo.com/soccer/news?slug=ap-goal-linetechnology

Adios Schteeve

Well, who could have seen that happening? I mean, as if Newcastle are third and unbeaten. After a lull last week we have exploded with player tantrums, players being whipped and a lot of people on their way out. For cutting edge reaction (it's my blog I can say what I want), let us enjoy this week's blog before more seminars tomorrow.

Touch of a Bramble

Far be it for me to incriminate myself on the internet (ignoring the obvious cringeworthy photos which are on my Facebook profile), but it surprising to hear about the allegations surrounding Titus Bramble when he has been unable to get near an opposing striker for the past 10 years, never mind a woman on the run.

Here's hoping that everybody's second favourite footballer after Emile Heskey is not guilty of the allegations and can go back to shore up Sunderland's defence soon.

I will not play

£200,00 a week Carlos Tevez refuses to go on to the pitch against Bayern Munich. Shock! Horror! How dare he! What a disgrace! This has never happened before, right? Wrong. Let's break the whole story down for a minute here.

Ok, first of all it's probably right that I should say that Tevez has clearly incriminated himself already and whatever he says we all know his excuses are bollocks. But was this really as big a deal as we all say it was? It's not like footballers ever skip matches so they don't get cup-tied, and it's not like footballers ever say their head isn't in the right place before a match, then a week later go somewhere else (Mascherano).

And didn't one of the greatest, and most liked, footballers of all time refuse to play once? Yes, that's right, Paul Scholes said that and although he apologised afterwards, because nobody knew about it he got away from it. Like with all things, Tevez's crime was being caught.

Also, in the last stretches of Tevez's defence (and just to make it clear, I think he was totally wrong), is what he did any worse than the footballers who cheat on their (sometimes pregnant) wives or with their sister-in-law?

And out of all the lazy footballers there are, at least Tevez has put his all in for his clubs and delivered.

That aside, he needs to get lost now. There may have a massive over-reaction to Tevez's defiance, but it is clear he should just buy his contract out and leave. That's if he can be bothered to actually get on to a plane.

Ahh yeah!

Forest might be doing rubbish, but a middle three of Morgan, Mcgugan and Miller = mmm.

Speaking of Forest, the Wally and the Chairman have departed. Now being somebody who hates getting birthday cards early and not being able to open them for a few days, I had a cheeky check of Sky Bet to see who was favourite to take over the best job in football (after being a presenter on Sky Sports News)

Speaking of SSN (courtesy of Dick Ayling)

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/showbiz/bizarre/3847901/Steve-Joness-fling-with-Georgie-Thompson.html

Anyway, going back to Forest, I was surprised to see that Martin O'Neill was 6/1 favourite, yet was 5/1 to become the next Manchester City manager, 4/1 to become the next Everton manager, 4/1 favourite to become the next Liverpool manager, 12/1 to become next Tottenham manager, 9/1 to become next England manager, 8/1 to become next Manchester United manager and 16/1 to become next Arsenal manager. Funnily enough, Schteeve is 16/1 to become the next Manchester City manager.

Personally, there is only one man I want to see take the job. Now a month or so ago I started the Bring Back Adebola campaign due to our lack of goals, but since Ishmael Miller has been banging them in, I think we should bring back Pele as a player/manager and use the two beasts to batter every other team into submission.

Come back Adebola!

Warneing: Sportsmen who are losing my respect

Shane Warne and Liz Hurley announced their engagement this week. Looks like Shane has gone from giving it a rip to being whipped.

Big Mac

I must admit I've been a bit disappointed with Rory McIlroy recently as he has become a bit of a big time. Now I'm one of those people who thinks professional sportsmen deserve the pay they get, even footballers, as they are the ones who put in the effort and make the sacrifices to win trophies and bring the money into the game.

But when Rory burst on to the scene he was brilliant with his attacking play and his baby-face. Now that he is a bit older, he still has the golf game, but his life is dominated by other activities. It seems every week he is either watching Manchester United, or flying by his helicopter to watch a big fight.

It doesn't help when he tweets at BBC commentator Jay Townsend: "Shut up ... you’re a commentator and a failed golfer, your opinion means nothing!"

Watching him dump his long-term girlfriend and moving on to tennis player Caroline Wozniacki didn't help my opinion of him, but just reading this made me want to chunder. Come on Rory, you're better than this.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/front_page/15090275.stm

Flop(ianski) of the week

Hola Carlos, now pack your bags. Speaking about pack your bags, adios Schteeve, but next time you manage in England please speak normally.

Also, chin up Warnock

Hall of Lame

Combining Tevez and Forest, I can still remember the last time a player at the City Ground went on strike. Remember Pierre Van Hooijdonk? So incensed was he that Forest didn't strengthen their squad after winning promotion to the Premier League that he went on strike. It seems people have been complaining about Forest's spending for a long time now

Weekly contest: Tipster v. Selly Oak Tramp

There has been a lot of interest this week, with both contenders eagerly awaiting news of their predictions. Well, let the waiting end...

How many points will be scored in the England v. Scotland match?

Tipster: 42
Tramp: 36

Result: 28

And the one we all want to know...

What will be the score in the Tottenham v. Arsenal match?

Tipster: 2-2
Tramp: 3-2 Tottenham

Result: 2-1 Tottenham

Bloody hell what sort of a rubbish Tipster do we have here? I apologise as the Selly Oak Tramp storms into a 7-3 lead. Is it really worth doing this week's predictions? Of course.

The week ahead

How many goals will there be in the Montenegro v. England match?

Tipster: 3
Tramp: 1

And the one we all want to know...

Who will the Ireland v. Wales clash? And by how many points?

Tipster: Wales, 7 points
Tramp: Ireland, 3 points

The week ahead

Carlos Tevez goes to play golf, but gets turned away... oh wait.

Fred Goodwin replaces Mark Arthur as Forest chief executive.

England stuff Montenegro at football and we declare that the team will win the Euros.

Quotes of the week

Steve McClaren, 28th September - "Something drastic has to be done because we can't carry on like this."

Neil Warnock on Carlos Tevez - "the sooner he leaves the country the better". I'd rather have Tevez

Joel Lamy (3 weeks ago) - The best thing about these tournaments is picking a minnow side who you want to do well. Out of all the teams I can see, I am going to root for Tonga for the simple reason that I want them to beat France.

Joel Lamy (2 weeks ago) - In other news, the team I have decided to lend my support to, Tonga, lost 25-20 to Canada. Just as long as they beat France.

Pixie Lott - "It's all about tonight" (anyone who was at my house on Saturday would understand!)

And on that bombshell...

http://www.mirrorfootball.co.uk/news/Manchester-United-fans-taunt-City-over-Carlos-Tevez-s-antics-using-giant-city-centre-billboard-article806586.html?utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=twitter - surprisingly decent banter from United
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yiqoeh5D2o - Ladotelli stirkes again (courtesy of Dick Ayling)

http://uk.eurosport.yahoo.com/blogs/world-of-sport/article/70860/ - that's commitment for you
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/3847574/Manchester-United-Krispy-Kreme-keeper-David-de-Gea-should-be-in-custardy.html - is he secretly a jew?