Tired from essays? Stressed by exams? Hungover from going out? However you are feeling this Easter, don’t worry, there is always time for some light relief. Fernando Torres ruined most of the blog by scoring not once but twice, but hopefully it’s just a one-off otherwise I won’t know what to say. Anyway, for the next 20 minutes or so (depending how slow a reader you are) sit back, relax, take it eaaassssyyyy, and enjoy. Ohhh yeeaaahhh!
Also, as we all know I’m going to mention it at some stage, let me get my references to the Leeds v. Forest match out of my system…
733ds 3-7 Forest
The day before what would have been Brian Clough’s 77th birthday
McCleary for England
Cotterill for England
Easy, easy!
Fashion faux pass
Some things are just so last season, like Carlo Ancelotti, Wayne Rooney’s bald patch and Forest passing the ball (until last Tuesday at least). Here are those horrible combinations which just should so not go together ya know:
Balotelli – fireworks, darts, Scott Parker’s ankle
Alex McLeish – Aston Villa, sexy football
Grant Holt – speedos
Joey Barton – philosophy
Owen Coyle – shorts
Fernando Torres – six yard box
John Terry – monogamy
Arsene Wenger – substitutions
Rio Ferdinand and Ryan Giggs – injunctions
They were the best of friends, they were the worst of friends
Christmas may be long gone (or soon to come around again depending on your point of view) and with the season to be jolly nowhere to be seen, here are a few people who haven’t quite seen eye-to-eye this season:
Joey Barton – Neil Warnock, Gervinho, TOWIE
Carlos Tevez – Roberto Mancini
Martin O’Neill – Alan Pardew
Charles N’Zogbia – Alex McLeish
Steve Kean – The city of Blackburn
Luis Suarez – Patrice Evra
Kenny Dalglish – Patrice Evra
Arsene Wenger – Luis Suarez, Tony Pulis
Andre Villas-Boas – Frank Lampard
John Terry – Anton Ferdinand
Neil Warnock – Tony Fernandes
Steve Morgan – Steve Bruce
Lee Cattermole – referees
Sir Alex Ferguson – referees
The island of Fernando
In celebration of Fernando Torres’ brace against Leicester, here is my team (in a 4-2-4 formation) who have all scored before the £50 million striker in 2012:
Tim Howard; Martin Skrtel, Gareth McAuley, Danny Higginbotham, Phil Bardsley; Paul Scholes, Somen Tchoyi; Shola Ameobi, Nicklas Bendtner, Ji Dong-Won, Andreas Weimann
Flop XI
There’s still some time for this to change, but here’s the team who have failed to light up the Premier League this season:
David de Gea; Roger Johnson, David Luiz, Rio Ferdinand, Paul Robinson; John Obi Mikel, Jordan Henderson, James Perch; Stewart Downing, Fernando Torres, Andy Carroll
The season so far in numbers
50 – the age when Paul Scholes and Ryan Giggs will finally retire
10 – the number of minutes of added time if Manchester United are losing to Manchester City
£5 million – the value of Fernando Torres
23 - the number of the days the next Chelsea
150 – the number of consecutive passes made by Swansea
15 – the number of goals and points Arsenal would have without Robin van Persie
20,000 – the number of people in Stoke complaining of neck ache
89 – the number of minutes spent by Darren Bent in the opposition’s six yard box each match
£250 million – the amount of money Jose Mourinho will demand in the summer to win a match against Barcelona
The biggest Fifa disgrace ever
Fifa is meant to be a celebration of football purity, of unbelievable tekkers and local bragging rights (well within your house). For the many who have not been gifted with even the slightest ability with the ball, it is a place where we can live out our dreams with our favourite teams.
So it is for that reason that I must mention one person, the guy that tries to ruin it all for the rest of us. His name is Kesteven. You’re Arsenal and you’re 3-0 down at home to West Brom at half-time. What do you do? The answer is probably not put on two holding midfielders. Even worse, when 4-0 down he decided to purposely time-waste by keeping the ball in his own half for around 20 minutes just to avoid conceding a fifth goal and having to apologise. This is the complete opposite of sexy football which we all like to see.
Moreover, all his goals come from running with some rapid guy and involve no passing whatsoever. This man does not deserve to play such a special game.
Sure-fire things
Like a Lionel Messi goal, there are some things in life which you can bet your house on. Here is the list of things to expect between now and the end of the season:
Spurs finish 4th and the media say they don’t want Harry Redknapp as England manager
Robin van Persie doesn’t sign a new contract
Luis Suarez and Gareth Bale will dive
Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain gets picked for England
Jose Mourinho will not return to Chelsea
Mario Balotelli will do something, somewhere, somehow, which is major
Most likely to…
Get sent off – Lee Cattermole
Go on a spontaneous and unexplained golfing holiday – Carlos Tevez
Win but still get abused – Steve Kean
Get an FA fine – Joey Barton
Make me feel inadequate in all departments – George Elokobi
Be found in the North East smashing up cars – Lee Cattermole and Nicklas Bendtner
Be abused in his car for joining a rival team – Samir Nasri
Lose a Twitter argument – Piers Morgan
Be the next Mick Conway – Frankie Conway - if you haven't heard this yet then I can't recommend it highly enough. If you have heard it then please listen again. This man has to get on Soccer Saturday http://audioboo.fm/boos/
Be 3-0 down on Fifa with Arsenal and put on two holding midfielders – Fraser Kesteven
Hold on to a 4-0 loss – Fraser Kesteven
Be accused of sexism – Joel Lamy
Win every match 1-0 from now until the end of the season – Manchester United
Win every match at home but none on their travels – Manchester City
Lose their manager – Tottenham Hotspur
Win 5-0 one week then lose 5-0 the next – Arsenal
Sack their manager – Chelsea
Buy somebody called Demba – Newcastle
Sack their PR team – Liverpool
Beat the best teams at home – Everton
Over-achieve with an average team - Sunderland
Be mid-table all season and go unnoticed – Fulham
Replace one big striker with another – Stoke City
Score and not keep a clean sheet – Norwich City
Be thrown around by the England rugby team – Swansea City
Lose at home – West Bromwich Albion
Never like their manager – Aston Villa
Survive relegation and abuse their manager – Blackburn Rovers
Buy loads of good players, sack their manager and still get relegated – QPR
Survive against all odds – Wigan
Self-combust – Wolves
Have no good run in the league all season – Bolton Wanderers
The real league table
Who has come top of our tree compared to what expectations of them were at the start of the season (don’t abuse me too much about this):
1. Swansea City
2. Norwich City
3. Newcastle
4. Tottenham Hotspur
5. Arsenal
6. Everton
7. Sunderland
8. Manchester
9. Fulham
10. Stoke City
11. Manchester City
12. West Brom
13. Liverpool
14. Blackburn Rovers
15. Aston Villa
16. QPR
17. Chelsea
18. Wigan
19. Wolves
20. Bolton Wanderers
My week at BUCS
Who’s that guy constantly spamming Facebook and Twitter going on about some live blog? Oh that guy, yeah I know who you mean, the one who spends his time eating falafel and going on about Wes Morgan. Well it’s me again and I thought I’d mention a bit about my week at the British University
Wednesday
Finally get a chance to see Redbrick’s microsite dedicated to the Championships which looks amazing and get a chance to play with our ipad ahead of my live blogging at the women’s lacrosse and women’s hockey finals. As Ian Holloway said, I was like a badger during mating season.
Since you asked - http://www.redbrickpaper.co.uk/bucs/
Thursday
Get a ride to Sheffield but it takes 3 hours from Birmingham
The match was a thrilling encounter with the lead constantly changing hands. I’m frantically trying to take photos, take videos, update the score, post comments and post tweets as well as inform our loyal readers when the hockey team were arriving!
Unfortunately we hit the post in the last minute and Cambridge Durham
After running to the car, we get stuck in yet more traffic on the way to hockey but we hear the score is now 2-1. When we finally get there the atmosphere is fantastic, much better than at Pride Park anyway!
But again there is late heartbreak with a great chance at the end to level it missed and soon Durham Birmingham
The car journey back was much quicker but the joyful mood of expectancy on the way there was not apparent as we made it back to the West Midlands .
Friday
The morning after. Articles have to go up, photos have to be added, audio is also necessary. After doing a presentation on Spain in the EU which began with a picture of Ben Stiller saying “como
Sunday
Another trip to Sheffield but this one wasn’t quite as fun. Our train at 8:40 was cancelled which meant a 50 minute wait for the next one. At the karate we had missed all the early Birmingham Birmingham
Latest live odds
“Joel.”
“Yes Ray?”
“Here are the latest live odds.”
“Cheers Ray.”
New Chelsea
John Terry – evens
Rafa Benitez – 3/1
Sven Goran Eriksson – 5/1
Roman Abramovich – 6/1
Jose Mourinho – 8/1
Keith Curle – 10/1
Harry Redknapp – 1/5
Neil Warnock – 4/1
Sam Allardyce – 5/1
Ian Holloway – 7/1
Flavio Briatore – 9/1
Avram Grant – 15/1
Keith Curle – 500/1
Season Predictions
Another reminder of what myself, Fraser Kesteven and Richard Ayling predicted before the start of the season. The final results will be put up in May, but there’s still time to laugh at how useless we all are:
Premier League winner:
JL: Manchester United
FK: Manchester United
RA: Manchester United
JL: Manchester United
FK: Manchester United
RA: Manchester United
At the moment: Manchester United
Rest of top 4:
JL: Manchester City, Chelsea, Liverpool
FK: Chelsea, Manchester City, Arsenal
RA: Chelsea, Manchester City, Arsenal
Rest of top 4:
JL: Manchester City, Chelsea, Liverpool
FK: Chelsea, Manchester City, Arsenal
RA: Chelsea, Manchester City, Arsenal
At the moment: Manchester City, Arsenal, Tottenham
Relegated teams:
JL: Norwich, Wigan, Swansea
FK: Norwich, Wigan, Swansea
RA: Norwich, Wigan, Swansea
Relegated teams:
JL: Norwich, Wigan, Swansea
FK: Norwich, Wigan, Swansea
RA: Norwich, Wigan, Swansea
At the moment: Bolton, Wigan, Wolves
Top goal-scorer:
JL: Rooney
FK: Rooney
RA: Rooney
Top goal-scorer:
JL: Rooney
FK: Rooney
RA: Rooney
At the moment: Robin van Persie
Number of Fernando Torres goals (league only, as with the others):
JL: 10
FK: 15
RA: 10
Number of Fernando Torres goals (league only, as with the others):
JL: 10
FK: 15
RA: 10
At the moment: 2
Number of Mario Balotelli goals:
JL: 12
FK: 10
RA: 6
Number of Mario Balotelli goals:
JL: 12
FK: 10
RA: 6
At the moment: 15
Number of Emile Heskey goals:
JL: 4
FK: 1
RA: 3
At the moment: 1
Number of Emile Heskey goals:
JL: 4
FK: 1
RA: 3
At the moment: 1
Number of games Arsenal let a lead slip (league only):
JL: 6
FK: 4
RA: 6
At the moment: 5
Norwich overall goal-difference:
JL: -15
FK: -28
RA: -21
At the moment: -7
First managerial casualty:
JL: Alex McLeish
FK: Neil Warnock
RA: Steve Kean
First managerial casualty:
JL: Alex McLeish
FK: Neil Warnock
RA: Steve Kean
Answer: Steve Bruce
FA Cup winner:
JL: Spurs
FK: Chelsea
RA: Chelsea
FA Cup winner:
JL: Spurs
FK: Chelsea
RA: Chelsea
At the moment: Chelsea, Liverpool, Everton, Sunderland, Tottenham and Bolton are all still in the cup
League Cup winner:
JL: Liverpool
FK: Manchester United
RA: Manchester City
League Cup winner:
JL: Liverpool
FK: Manchester United
RA: Manchester City
Answer: Liverpool
Champions League winner:
JL: Real Madrid
FK: Barcelona
RA: Barcelona
At the moment: Real Madrid, Barcelona, Benfica, Chelsea, Bayern Munich, Apoel Nicosia, AC Milan and Marseille are still in the cup
Europa League winner:
JL: PSG
FK: Liverpool (JL - should be docked a point for being ignorant)
RA: Sevilla
Europa League winner:
JL: PSG
FK: Liverpool (JL - should be docked a point for being ignorant)
RA: Sevilla
At the moment: AZ, Valencia, Schalke, Athletic Bilbao, Sporting Lisbon, Metalist Kharkiv, Atletico Madrid and Hannover are still in the cup
Top 2 in Championship:FK: West Ham, Leicester
RA: West Ham, Leicester
JL: West Ham, Leicester
Top 2 in Championship:FK: West Ham, Leicester
RA: West Ham, Leicester
JL: West Ham, Leicester
At the moment: Southampton and Reading are in the top 2
Forest overall position:
JL: 5th
FK: 5th
RA: 4th
Forest overall position:
JL: 5th
FK: 5th
RA: 4th
At the moment: 20th
Forest top scorer:
JL: Lewis McGugan
FK: Marcus Tudgay
RA: Robbie Findley
Forest top scorer:
JL: Lewis McGugan
FK: Marcus Tudgay
RA: Robbie Findley
At the moment: Garath McCleary with 9
Dele Adebola goals:
JL: 3
FK: 1
RA: 3
Dele Adebola goals:
JL: 3
FK: 1
RA: 3
At the moment: 0
Nathan Tyson goals:
JL: 10 (woops)
FK: 4
RA: 2
Nathan Tyson goals:
JL: 10 (woops)
FK: 4
RA: 2
At the moment: 0
League 1 winner:
JL: Huddersfield
FK: Carlisle
RA: Huddersfield
League 1 winner:
JL: Huddersfield
FK: Carlisle
RA: Huddersfield
At the moment: Charlton
League 2 winner:
JL: Shrewsbury
FK: Northampton
RA: Crawley
League 2 winner:
JL: Shrewsbury
FK: Northampton
RA: Crawley
At the moment: Swindon
Blue Square Prem winner:
JL: Luton
FK: Cambridge
RA: Luton
Blue Square Prem winner:
JL: Luton
FK: Cambridge
RA: Luton
At the moment: Fleetwood
Take it Like a Fan
Derren Brown has made a fortune as an illusionist, but even he has nothing on the most hardened of supporters who see only bias against their side (by the way that penalty Leeds scored against Forest came from a dive). However, this brilliant example sent to me shows what can happen when fans turn their one-eyed support of their side into a creative dig at the opposition.
Here is Huddersfield’s report of their 2-2 draw against Stevenage:
And here is an alternative report:
Non-football sports
The start of spring means that the summer sports will soon be dominating our agenda almost as much as football currently is. Concentrating on cricket, tennis and golf, let us start you off with Fraser Kesteven’s Six Nations team of the tournament before our very own tipster gives his predictions for some future events:
Six Nations Team of the Tournament
Full Back – Leigh Halfpenny (Wales)
Top scorer in the competition with 66 points, whose reliable goal kicking was influential for Welsh success. Also scored two tries to highlight his general offensive flair.
Right Winger – Tommy Bowe (Irish)
Tournament’s most prolific try scorer with 6 to demonstrate his incredible attacking potency.
Outside Centre – Manu Tuilagi (England)
Big bruiser of the English backline, whose return to the team forced a greater urgency of play, with his try against France showing his fantastic scoring ability.
Inside Centre – Wesley Fofana (France)
Scored 4 tries in as many games before being bizarrely chosen to play winger in their final match. Showed great maturity in his first international competition.
Left Winger – George North (Wales)
Beast of a winger whose development as an international player has been tremendous. His cheeky assist against Ireland showed that he also possesses the handling dexterities to go with his substantial bulk.
Fly Half – Owen Farrell (England)
Despite not being originally preferred to play this position, the move proved especially inspired as England began to play a more expansive offensive game.
Scrum Half – Mike Phillips (Wales)
Showed his importance to the Welsh effort throughout the tournament, proving to be deft in both attack and defence, frequently to the detriment of his equivalents.
Number Eight – Sergio Parisse (Italy)
The Italian talisman showed his incredible athleticism and guile continuously, rousing his team to play with more attacking verve, something which they found beneficial against Scotland.
Openside Flanker – Chris Robshaw (England)
The England captain proved his doubters wrong and helped stimulate a young English side to dominate many of their encounters. Showed exceptional maturity with the captaincy.
Blindside Flanker – Dan Lydiate (Wales)
Player of the tournament. Though relatively quiet, his unseen work was amazing, dominating the forward battles and helping propel Wales to glory.
Second Row – Pascal Pape (France)
The Frenchman showed his brutal efficiency in the set plays and provided a different emphasis in attack.
Second Row – Ritchie Gray (Scotland)
The big Scot cemented his British Lions credentials, proving to be their best player and an unexpected attacking threat.
Tighthead Prop – Dan Cole (England)
The sturdy prop proved aggressive in the scrums, with the rout of Ireland showing his importance to this English side.
Hooker – Rory Best (Ireland)
Despite being dominated by the English, Best showed competence with the captaincy and scored some great individual tries.
Loosehead Prop – Gethin Jenkins (Wales)
Most solid prop in Northern Hemisphere rugby, and was incredibly influential in allowing the Welsh to dominate.
Tipster
Cricket - England tour of Sri Lanka
Draw at Columbo
Kevin Pietersen to get out to a left arm spinner in 1st Test at Galle
England 1-0 series victory
Golf – The Masters
Rory Mcllroy to win by more than 3 shots
Lee Westwood top ten finish
Dark Horse - Bubba Watson
Tennis – French Open
Men’s winner – Rafael Nadal (More at home at Roland Garros than Eric Pickles at a curry house)
Women’s winner – Ana Ivanovic
Flop - Andy Roddick
Draw at Columbo
Kevin Pietersen to get out to a left arm spinner in 1st Test at Galle
England 1-0 series victory
Golf – The Masters
Rory Mcllroy to win by more than 3 shots
Lee Westwood top ten finish
Dark Horse - Bubba Watson
Tennis – French Open
Men’s winner – Rafael Nadal (More at home at Roland Garros than Eric Pickles at a curry house)
Women’s winner – Ana Ivanovic
Flop - Andy Roddick
Here are my expectations for the next few months:
England are being routed in the 1st Test but a three hour stand between Monty Panesar and James Anderson followed by a sudden and completely unexplained period of heavy rain saves the match.
In the 2nd Test, Andrew Flintoff comes on as 12th man to run-out Mahela Jayawardene which sparks a collapse to Samit Patel’s bowling. Chasing 250 to win, Monty comes in with 5 runs needed and switch-hits Rengana Harath off his first ball over the ropes to take the series.
Elsewhere, Bangladesh start moving up the rankings to become the fifth best ODI side in the world and Sachin Tendulkar continues his pursuit of 100 double-centuries in international cricket.
Domestically, the county season gets underway but sides are forced to field their academy players due to everyone being either on international or IPL duty. Yorkshire lose their first match prompting their chief-executive to sack all the players. Essex’s opening fixture against Gloucestershire arouses suspicions when every single Gloucestershire batsman gets bowled off a no-ball. Nottinghamshire begin with a thumping win due to 10 wickets and a 20-ball 50 from Andre Adams. Speaking of Dre, read this day’s play (hey-hey) from a match against Warwickshire I went to. His spell of bowling is absolutely incredible.
At the Masters, Rory McIlroy shoots 59, 82, 61, 84 over his four rounds. Luke Donald shoots 71, 72, 71, 72 to tie him for the lead at 2 under for the tournament with the event hosts making the course extremely difficult to play. They are joined by Tiger Woods in the play-off, who wins on the 18th play-off hole playing with just his left hand after he managed to break his right in unexplained circumstances.
At the French Open, Novak Djokovic defeats Rafael Nadal 6-7, 6-7, 7-6, 7-6, 97-95 in 30 hours of play which went on over 4 days. Later that night he runs a marathon before flying the next day to another tournament and playing again on the Wednesday. Andy Murray makes the semi-final at Roland Garros.
In boxing, Amir Khan knocks out Lamont Peterson but the Anfield cat is spotted changing the scorecards so that the American is given the win.
David Haye and Dereck Chisora announce that they are to star in a new Rocky film.
African celebrations
For those who are celebrating the time between the end of handing in essays and starting revision, here are some inspirational dance moves from Africa for you to try on the dancefloor. You’ll thank me when you pull ;)
To conclude
Just to say… If anybody wants to be included in the next edition of the greatest blog ever… to come out of the Lamy household, then let me know. It can be on anything both serious or funny, but in particular personal experiences are usually the best, whether of playing, supporting or even betting.
As for details of my next blog, it could be next week, it could be next month, to be honest I have no idea. But look out for my return one day…
And on a final note…
Get well soon Fabrice Muamba!
